DEEPLY AWAKE COFFEE TALKS By Kathy Vik
“Consumerism is Dead” 12-6-15
So, I have come to a conclusion, and this has resulted in a lifestyle change, and I am pretty excited about it, so I want to walk it through with you. I found that I have been thinking this through, but in pieces, over the last two weeks or so, but today, things came together, and I feel I really can move on this thing.
I have always defended my relationship with facebook. I feel for facebook how I feel for the Google Maps Lady. It’s a really warm, sweet kind of affection, like crush-love, because I really am astounded, the unconditionality of it all. The Google Maps Lady lets me free-style her suggestions, and she just accommodates. She is clever, and on-time, attentive, but she never makes me wrong. She is flexible. She has taught me a lot about love.
But facebook, oh, my, that’s a more complicated relationship.
I think of facebook as a big eye, and a big mouth, and anything can go in, anything can be said, and it’s all up for review. It is a massive consciousness. It is soothing to me, it is stimulating, and therefore highly soothing to me. It eases my innate need for data, for information, for ideas. I love it for that.
But, you see, although I needed this, these last three years, a pocket friend, an invisible hand to hold as I make my way through my life, I am wanting, now, to drop this shield of mine.
It’s funny, but in a way, it’s as if this cloud of understanding and intellectual stimulation that I started loving in 2012 individuated, and walked with me, silently, always, and always electronically, but, sure, that nice I love whatever you think sort of facebook love got very personal, for me, having decided to conduct a text affair. It was in line with my life, of course. Lots of thinking, lots of feeling, and absolutely no doing.
It helped, because I had been locked in tight, and like a simulator, I got a feel for how people and individuals, react and respond, all on line, all at a very low social risk.
And so, I have come to the conclusion that three years of training is sufficient, and the line I run, that I am socially awkward, I have to retire that, now. It really is not true, and it never was, not ever. I can admit that now.
My thoughts on being, or feeling, socially awkward have changed. I think this is a term, or a condition, that has to do with fear, being afraid of others’ judgments, or fearing one’s own. I know when I am feeling this, or calling myself this, it’s because I am not feeling very liked. And when I feel that way, it’s normally because I am waiting for people to notice me, and soothe me, rather than wanting to reach out and learn someone else’s story.
I’m never going to put myself down for having used this media as a way to get stronger. It was good therapy. Some of the best. Unconditional love is healing, and there really is nothing more unconditionally accepting as the act of posting. Sure, there might be blow back, but, consider it, we somehow just know, as a people, that we can say anything, anything at all, now. Think on that. I can push a button, and my thoughts are known, visually and in idea form, by many people, all at once. That;s a big deal.
And now, it is time to bring it into the physical. That’s where this is going. It is only this morning that I feel excited about this thing that has been moving closer and closer, me breaking up with facebook.
I have been putting it off, because I have a hard time being moderate. I don;t know how not to go from zero to sixty, so, because it has felt so all-or-nothing, I have done nothing. But today, I am thinking that I still need to know about events, that’s a valid use, knowing where to show up to actually see my friends. So, I will keep that feature. And I’ll check in once a day for that. But, I can see now just why it is I don;t want to post. Maybe now, it will no longer be a temptation I convince myself I cannot but obey.
I have been arguing with a few people in my life, angry at them for not showing up in mine. For choosing not to participate. And I took a good look at tat this week, drilled way down deep to get to the truth of it, and I believe I have.
I am angry at them for what I am simultaneously doing in my own life. Barely showing up. Participating minimally, passively, and with a sort of vague resignation.
That’s not me! That’s some tranquilized, just waking, person. That isn’t me.
So, today I stop. Today I am birthed into something else, and I am happy for this.
The friends made and the progress I have made has been astounding, and this electronic friend of mine has done more to teach me the way to go next than maybe any single human who’s gotten my attention the last few years. In the end, it was the least false, and the least self-absorbed, quite frankly.
I am living now. I am showing up. I am participating. I understand the logic and need behind continuing how I have been, but it no longer lights up for me, it feels slightly tight and repulsive, that magnet-repulsive way, and other things sound like a hell of a lot of fun, so, yes, I know I am on my way, and today I really have graduated.
If I rejoin the groups, it’ll be without the need to be heard. By then, I’ll have been touched and known in ways I want, and need, and cannot access while holding my phone’s hand.