Deeply Awake — Notes From A Recovering Spiritualist By Kathy Vik 3-19-18

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A fun video greeting from the land of recovery, I offer my thoughts on starting over, the new energy and how it is helping us clear the stuff that trips us up, and other subjects in a way that is soft, helpful and not too complex. I hope you enjoy!



As referenced, Kryon’s latest channel, entitled “Akashic Evolution”

Deeply Awake: Another Level of… Whatever By Kathy Vik 2-13-18


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A bare-bones talk for those who are on the ascension path, for your enjoyment and consideration. I was urged to talk about many, many aspects of this thing our community keeps talking about, “The Event.”

In this multidimensional eclipse gateway, I thought it necessary, somehow, to talk about esoterics, energetics, prophecies and premonitions, many of them revolving around about being flooded with light, or…  whatever.

This is a personal, quantum reality for each, and this is an enjoyable recording for those desiring many observations and interpretations of the energy bombarding us, and that which is to come, from the vantage point of this intrepid spiritual reporter known as Deeply Awake.





Deeply Awake — Daily Life As a Multidimensional Being, or, Applying Ascended Reality To Daily Life 2-4-18 By Kathy Vik

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Holy smokes.

This is a vital recording, with a HUGE anomaly late in the recording, adding emphasis when relaying a soul confirmation … INCREDIBLE!

This is a FULL ON esoteric recording, for the hardcore among us, who need to know what it is like to apply these principles and to see them pay off in daily life.

That’s sort of the point, of going through this process in public. There had to be an end-point, I would think. There’ll come a day when things make a lot more sense, and then, it’ll be an obligation, and a joy, to just describe the view.

This is one such love letter, from a ledge that continues to blink on and off, literally (!!!!!), as I transmit this appreciation, and joy, and hope, and tips, and descriptions right from my being, to you.

Namaste, my brother, my sister.





As referenced:

Deeply Awake CHANNEL — Evidence Of Things Unseen 4-26-14 By Kathy Vik

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Deeply Awake CHANNEL — Evidence Of Things Unseen 4-26-14 By Kathy Vik


And so we begin by explaining some of the shifts which have recently occurred for many, and to explain how this shift has impacted the channel and this project.

We tell you now that tectonic movement has occurred of which you are aware but vibrationally, as individual entities and a mass consciousness.

These shifts have produced and will continue to produce fundamental alternations in most pursuits of daily life, and more to the point, how daily life is henceforth perceived by many of you.

We have allowed the channel to catch up, so to speak, and she is in agreement with this fundamental alteration we have been presenting to her incrementally for some time.

We bring up the personal to point out this is not personal at all, and far from holding onto such changes and shifts, speaking of them is far more imperative at this time.

This channel agreed long ago to play the fool, in many respects, and she is comfortable in this role. And this is a shift many of you also are aware of.

The wisest of you have had the most foolish of lives, have you not? Many of you have extricated yourselves from ruin more than once, and are more than aware of your so-called flaws in character.

And many of you are coming to see that having done foolish things, and having had foolish thoughts about your fellow travelers, your existence and purpose, nature and space, this has taught you more than any amount of preaching from a mound of sand could.

Is not the walk of a master to guide and encourage, and to see worth in that which is understood as worthless? A master must soften worthlessness, desolation, despair. And in the end, is not the master’s walk one of gentleness, wisdom, clarity and stillness?

One often think of these terms, in your culture, and we wish to encourage the idea that a master’s walk is one of peace, however, we wish to remind all who read and follow along that masters are made in cauldrons of discontent, and in times of fundamental shifts in consciousness.

We wish to show you in the most concrete terms, using simple language, the truth of it: that you are a spiritual entity who is having a physical experience, and not the reverse. We gave this to the channel, and she felt the frequencies each state holds. It is important to find these tracers, these feeling states, and identify them, for reference and direction, as you make your way quantum reality.

We wish to clarify that there has been a distinct and wholly artificial barrier between channeler and the channeled. There is a belief that channeled information for all must not contain that which is personal.

We refer, for instance, to the Seth material, footnotes regarding the kitty cat and house hunting all in italics. Many channelers do not, will not, discuss self. We wish to soften this thinking, as continuing this separation places many at a disadvantage, primarily due to frequential dissonance which can no longer be maintained within some vehicles.

We are here to tell you that blending, melding, merging, coupling, integrating, this is the way of it, and far from being suspected of charlatanism, you may encounter more and more channelers who are finally allowing personal as parable, as connector, as bridge. This comes from, of course, elevating the human to more spiritual terms, and feeling as if the spiritual is more tangible, of course.

We wish to have you understand that being human is far from an inferior state. It saddens, slows, things, to think this way, and is the result of DNA calibration, so to speak. Its release from your countenance may take practice, this we tell you to encourage you, asking you to not give up, and to keep on with the marriage afoot.

To this end we wish to announce that, with great celebration and permission, of course, the channel now understands that this book is to be a channeled one. She was not aware of it, and had misunderstood, initially.

She understood at first that the new volume now begun would be a dance between channeled information and essay. How surprised she was to finally understand this was a misinterpretation, an understandable one, for what was about to take place!

Dear reader, dear listener, dear shining one, understand that the shifts upon you are shifts which you have long anticipated and contracted for, in that, you wanted this, you are made for this time, and have skills for this transition many do not possess. And so, in role of helper and friend, you may now begin to guide others safely home knowingly and cooperatively, as they wish.

One cannot do this work effectively if one is tied to outcome, which means that one must be in complete abandonment of a desire to change another.

All systems are made of individuals, and this is sometimes forgotten. There is an overlay, a sort of glamor, that has been placed within mass thinking, and this is changing, no doubt of it.

There is the creator and the creation, and it is this that has been clarified in recent days. As such, many are beginning to see their reality as more powerful than they, more than ever before, while some are smiling, feet up, finally comfortable. And why is this?

We have explained that an interplay exists that is outside your perceptual equipment, so to speak, although this has begun to change as well. With too great an identification creator to created, the creator loses its awareness of an essential function of daily human life: integrity.

Creation becomes the all, and what better symbol to have for this construct but money. Ah, it is a beautiful set up, is it not?

And now, the shift begins. We tell you, can you not feel it, a generalized sense of gratitude, of home, of peace, within your skin, regardless of circumstance? Has it not been coming to you in waves from time to time? We told you of doorways recently. Understand these celestial events have left the doorways open. Wide open, you see. No longer a crack or a slit of light is perceived. No. Your equipment can pick up more now.

And now you are beginning to understand that perceiver is not perceived, and yet, in this very curious light, you are beginning to truly sense, for the first time, that what has been created is conscious, has life and meaning, is significant, and, very curiously, seems to be asking you to bless it.

As such, many then learn that it is mindfulness, thoughtfulness, simplicity and warmth are vibrations of personal integrity. With these as your metrics, can you not take comfort, at the end of a day perhaps filled with horrible conflicts, that yours perhaps was the role of consoler, of brotherhood, sisterhood, family, standing there in line, sitting at your desk, emptying the trash, being jostled and bumped as you sometimes might be.

That creator and creation are not the same is fundamental and obvious, and yet, there are deeper paradoxes at play here. The creation stands as a conscious entity, so to speak. As creator, are you pleased with your work?

Does the feeling tone of your creation please you, and will your creation go on to ease others’ ways? These are questions it is more than legitimate to ask, and we wish to add to this esoterica how things have come to be different, easier, we tell you, easier still.

We wish to make it easier.

Do you believe that things happen by accident, or purposefully? And how much of the time, to what percentage, would you say, are things accidents and are things purposeful?

We ask you to answer honestly, after contemplation. What is your answer? And is it possible that the answer is just one way or the other?

If that is so, then if you believe in the accidental, can we not tell you that you are missing out on magic? And for those who believe events are purposeful, we ask you, what is the end game of it all, then?

Why would daily life events be purposeful, and yet still one encounters that which is unpleasant, untenable, intolerable?

We wonder this too, since it is you who are creating your experience. What is it that you have decided is untenable, the intolerable, the unpleasant? This is how to start.

Why would such an experience be in your awareness? What could be a logical, benevolent answer?

The untenable, the intolerable, the unpleasant, they are backdrops, they are contrasts, they are grand splashes of color on the portrait of humankind.

If one’s creation is unpleasant, intolerable or untenable, does it not follow that sooner or later, the creator will come to accept they could create with a different palette? And perhaps this realization could only come at the end of a grand and bloody, conflicted and angry age of consciousness?

We urge you to turn away from thinking in “Us” and “Them” terms, when it comes to your fellow creators. This is, after all, a stance of arrogance and vanity, is it not? When was the last time you enjoyed having someone at the office tell you you were doing a task, your task, wrong. Did you enjoy it? Did it help you to feel joyful, confident or soothed?

If not, please, we ask, refrain from such behavior as the plates shift, the plates of human consciousness, we pray.

Creators you all are, and this is the cosmic paradox of the age, we submit. As a creator, would you prefer to do it plugged into that which produces peace, or would you prefer to paint from the palette of disregard, unthinking, isolation and separation? As a creator, is the choice not up to you?

And so, we will continue to discuss the matters at hand in this manner. We close by telling you of our purpose in communicating now.

This channel is well suited for the exploration of consciousness, psyche and physics, many of whose tenets she knows have not yet been discovered. As such, she is a blend of novice and ancient, as many of you are. We state these facts to explain not her countenance but ours.

She has asked us repeatedly for our name, and it is as yet unspoken. We have told her “Magartha” is important, but you see, that is not our energy.

She understands it is after sending this missive out that our name will be given to her. She had a meditation which featured her dearest friend, and a favored dreamscape, in preparation, and we allow her this desire for ceremony.

We are interested in the weaving together of esoterics and the daily walk, you see. This is our specialty, and this is why we groomed a fool, someone who has been last much, someone who knows humility.

Someone who has made grave errors in judgment, had grand failures, done destructive and misguided things, who has been treated poorly by invitation, choice and circumstance. Someone such as this understands how wrong they can be, you see, and is slow to trust.

This is a lush environment in which to practice our art, which is that of the healing of the heart. It is not the psyche which is in pieces, shutdown, dormant. It is the heart.

The high heart of humanity awakens, and we humbly give our deepest respect and love to those who have failed at the human game, or felt lost, or been despondent. In this despair and confusion was your call, your choice, your push toward the collective you. The system of support and benevolence which is immensely cooperative and stunningly loving. That its existence is in question is the heartbeat of this age.

As creator, use your integrity, your discernment, and we pray, your humor, in all things. We remind you that light itself is light, and we wish for hearts to become this way. It is possible, you see, when you begin to realise that what is in front of you, behind you and within you is well known, loved by, created, by you.

Allow us to leave you with this understanding. We are you, you us, and what separates us is your biology.

Understand, we pray, this paradox.

Your very biology is rooted in and springs from the unseen forces of creation itself.

Can you follow the logic this day, and come to a peace with the truth that you have created what is around you, and it is crying out for your recognition and acceptance?

That which you feel is ugly or repugnant or even, shall we say it, unacceptable, these abandoned creations will keep knocking until you invite them to dine with you. They are tame creatures and will not walk through this doorway without invitation, you see.

Love that which you have created, understanding that any dissonance or discomfort you feel can be ameliorated not only with energetics but with simple friendliness.

We realize we are asking you to love the unlovable, to find peace within great chaos, to feel at home regardless of where you lay your head.

Honor your humanness, and understand your power. The more you allow this thinking to trickle into the cracks of your group thinking, the easier it will be for your seedlings to grow.

Deeply Awake CHANNEL — The Mantle And Geometrics 4-23-14 By Kathy Vik

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Deeply Awake CHANNEL — The Mantle And Geometrics 4-23-14 By Kathy Vik


We wish to speak to you today about geometrics as they relate to consciousness, and how this applies to daily life.

We have the channel an experience prior to beginning. Meditative music which, for her, symbolizes a very distinct and desirable being state was playing, and birds, just outside her window, were enjoying morning song as well.

She understood that grief is something unnecessary to hold, as she heard the birdsong and knew that she has heard it before, and will hear it again, and her awareness of grief was replaced with a spiral of song. This she now knows, and this was held in awareness as she explored the music and song, emotionally and soulically.

You see, as this was occurring, we overlayed the geometrics of it, and she understood that it is within the tension of awarenesses that creativity lies.

Lines went out, connecting music to song to perceiver, creator, co-creator, and this, we then began to show her, could be and is applicable to any pursuit or relationship she has had, ever will have, or is having now. You see, time and all its conventions become meaningless, and it is this we wish to discuss with those of you who might appreciate such things, and those who are indeed experiencing them this fine Spring day.

We have given the channel the image of a giant eraser, and then see how we have scrubbed and rubbed with the eraser, gently but thoroughly, and this is to explain in part the magnetics and, by inference, the geometrics surrounding and affecting each of you in your biology now. There are old abilities you no longer will have: rumination, terror, anxiety states, etc. There are new states and abilities for which you will have profound, immediate proclivity for. The time of surprising oneself is upon you!

Are you not finding that you do not have easy access to dark thoughts and incongruent mannerisms? Are you not finding true dissonance when your behavior is not in concert with soul? Can you not see what is occurring? You are, many of you, understanding at once the deep profundity of human connection, and the honor contained in free will.

We wish to explain that geometrics, as such, is no less of the imagination as magnetism or electricity. Geometrics are the native moment prior to manifestation, you see. Geometrics are the tracers of the mind of god, the evidence of benevolence within quanta.

We bring up geometrics because within the science is the mind of god. How does geometrics apply to your daily life, your story line, your incarnated awareness? Geometrics implies balance, and cannot be without it.

Balance and symmetry, order and beauty, these are words which fail to capture the essence of this state of knowledge. Understanding that everything you physically see or experience is rooted not only in spiritual reality but in mathematical, profoundly beautiful geometrics which are as real, as sturdy, as any steel bridge, knowledge a portal to higher consciousness.

You may witness the truth of this by gazing at crop circles. Can you not feel the love, the wisdom, the peace, within the mathematics and symmetry of the circles? Who but a member of your family would give you such a thing? Who but a loved one would leave such notes?

Those who study astrology understand the beauty of geometrics, and are allies of this energy. And so we discuss these celestial events at hand.

We have said repeatedly that grand movements in consciousness, the leaps many of you have taken so willingly, and larger, mass changes that are done willingly at a soulic level, these leaps are triggered, in this matrix, by celestial events.

We explained to the channel many years ago, and then demonstrated for her, that there are certain apexes that humans can sense and then use to “ride” waves of energy which are not always available in the dimension you inhabit.

These energetic boosts are insertions, and far from being a gift from angels, they are hardwired into this system of benevolence for those who are aware of them. Not escape hatches, but doorways.

These events are helpful in temporal realities, as they stand as reminders and beacons, testaments to those who can auger their meanings, and they can be anticipated, worked toward, celebrated, and remembered. They are signposts, you might say, on the cosmic road of expansion.

Best to consider that you are a creator of this system and therefore can come to seek out and use the triggers The All (you!) has built into this enormously beautiful system of awakening!

Drop the thinking that these things come to you as a gift from someone else, and understand, because you are aware of them, even if you do not fully understand their significance, and in reality, this stance you have is one of co-creator, author, director in amnesia. Think grander and allow your magnificence to shine through the geometrics of the heavens and your hearts.

When there are exceedingly tight trines, squares, crosses, this is a cue, a clue, that this is not accidental, do you see?

Love those who cannot see anything before them but coincidences, or randomness. Love them and understand this thinking can make a person feel lonely and small and cut off from that which has a hand in creating them. Love them and show them kindness. It is the truth of it, all seek their own way, and this is the way of it. All have free choice.

Allow the beauty of your recognition to flow through you, and allow others their vantage point. Let the beauty you know is shining down from the skies imbue your walk and your talk, and let this gentleness of countenance ease those who believe themselves to be alone, without connection to the others or to the stars or to their source. Love them more.

Love them any way.

Of course, with all things there is progression, and we would like to end by reminding you that these crosses, and the triggers which have been taking up attention, and will continue to pique interest, are anticipated, known, charted.

Take care to take interest in any celestial event that is unplanned or spontaneous. This seems to go without saying, but there will be more activity, and unplanned events speak just as loudly as those which you can map out. Perhaps a slightly different delivery, same language.

There is beauty within the astrological and astronomical events which are occurring today, have been occurring and will continue to occur. This cycle of crosses began when your consciousness, as a group, sharpened. There can be no true causal determinant. It is a beautiful system of cooperative love.

Are you not aware of the culmination of things which had their beginning twenty years ago, nineteen years ago? Can you not feel the turning, the spiral activity in your life story, in your spiritual journey, in your walk home?

You are on holy ground, each of you, as you walk this earth, your presence here was planned. You are integral to the plan, and we wish to leave each of you with a sense of place, place within your chests, in your skin, and wherever you happen to find yourself, in circumstance, this day.

You are part of a group whose sole mission is to hold these secrets and go about daily life. Yours is to hold the knowledge and function as someone who does not have this access, through their soulic choice. This has been your task, but you are now finding that the knowledge is no longer able to be held, yes? Have you found that holding back is more difficult?

This is how to leave you, telling you that you are indeed a golden one, reader and writer, and those who may not see this for some time, we must tell you this. Yes, physical life is captivating and mesmerizing, and it is supposed to be enthralling, captivating, engrossing. Yes. This is so.

And so we say, for those who are not longer able to be so captivated by the electro-magnetic-chemical wash of your physical vehicles, you have geometrics to thank, in part.

The very medium in which you function has altered due to magnetically induced changes to the grid, and these changes, our dear loves, these changes were brought about by you, called for by you, and are your ancient song of home.

Can you not take comfort in knowing that you are where you need to be, at the level of growth you need to be for this grand moment, this Grand Cardinal Moment?

No worries need touch you, and we ask you to consider the taking on of the mantle which you have called to you. A master you have always been. A master you are. A master is how you shall be known. Allow this new mastery to overtake and soften your countenance.

By accepting the responsibility and the power, understand, nothing is ever the same. Does it not make sense that accepting the mantle of mastery requires removing the cloak of denial you have all been wearing so modestly?

By now you have been trained in the ways of love, and are well versed in walking a master’s walk.

Let it be so this day.

Deeply Awake — On Channeling And Finished Business 4-18-14 By Kathy Vik

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Deeply Awake — On Channeling And Finished Business 4-18-14 By Kathy Vik


Today is a ”2” day, fitting for this message, appropriate for the discussion at hand.

This is a new book, to discuss these new times and our new freedom. I have spent a lifetime looking back, trying to make sense of it all, and now, as the fog clears, I am seeing things as they are, it feels to me, for the first time.

I’d understood at first that this new book would have a different rhythm, with channeling taking more space, a one for one deal, one essay on application, then a channeling, that sort of thing.

As I was thinking about this new format, I turned on the tv one night and channel surfed. I stumbled onto a program about the keepers of the knowledge of Ayahuasca. These mystics have, sort of as their day job, traveling to other realms and having discussions with beings, becoming knowledgeable in, basically, esoterics, but to support the clan, they are herbalists and healers. Theirs is to gather plants, treat illnesses, and dispense wisdom when they’re not in channel.

I watched that and, do you ever need to hit the pause on your clicker because something just knocked you sideways, inside?

I felt that way with this new information. The stilled image of a beautiful brown man in feathers and skin flickered in my living room as I let time stop, and let this understanding sink into me.

How much different am I from them?

How much different are you from them?

How many of us feel it is our duty, somehow, to always be pushing this internal limit we have within, always seeking, and once in a while, now more than ever, finding that which we seek.

In meditation, in trance, in prayer, while creating art, in motion, while driving. And how many of us have jobs that are well suited to a part of us we know well, in service to others, always in service to others.

It is nearly time to disregard how things used to be, but when I bring it up it is not to lament or boast. It is to remind myself of what I, what we, have all, at last, endured, outlived, outlasted.

The best example I have for this is one day last week, near the end of an energetic healing of some sort at work (it’s been intense, everybody feels it and comments on it anymore), I was in contemplation, and I could feel myself alone, in the ocean, and I could feel the proportions, and the salt, how it was affecting me, and I felt the stillness and the vastness.

I felt wet, and the bobbing, and could hear the lapping, the bobbing, the lapping. I looked up and saw thin, stringy clouds. No bird flew. Just the lapping, the color, the impossibility of this. And I smiled and laughed and inside I knew, I rejoiced in knowing, This I Understand.

I then wanted to understand more, so I felt myself the mountain I so love. I looked out on a breathtaking view, sun and valley and earth and sky, and I was an amethyst cave, glittering and knowing in ways unarticulatable but sensed, and I realized in celebration, yet again, This I Understand.

It went on, and it was graphic in its beauty and truth. And then I settled my consciousness upon the place I work, all the little dramas and all the silliness borne of misunderstanding and silly egoic constructs, and I realized, just plain as day, This I Just Don’t Understand.

I laughed again, and I celebrated again.

I let myself off the hook. I know that what I have always brought to everyone, and God bless them, to everyone I have ever worked with, is a sort of accelerant energy. This is nothing I try to do, and in fact, there were blocks of time, years, sometimes (my most miserable) when I was self-conscious, and believed myself a horrible energetic inconvenience to everyone.

I hid it, and by so doing, became a bit warped and unhappy. I am my happiest when I am around those who don’t mind being nudged now and then, and who are fearless, in some ways, because I am direct, and I try so hard not to be, but there it is.

I find myself saying and doing things at work, having these massively clever and workable and sound ideas at work, and I look at it perplexed and a little embarrassed. I really am not like that, when in my retiring mode.

I am funny, and irreverent, and I take very little seriously. Some other thing comes out of me at work, a sort of moral, serious, playful yet respectful, and very old-fashioned, very prudish  person comes out, when finally allowed to just be me. I have to keep a reign on this. I find myself acting in grumpy, stick-in-the-mud ways that just surprise me. I inevitably apologize later.

Anymore, I am not really sure when I am channeling and when I am not. I see the changes for the better that people are commenting on, at work, and know there have been people who feel happy I am there, and I think that maybe these unexpected, seemingly out of character things I say and do might be channeling.

I know I prefer to be in meditation and awake, I prefer to be half in and half out, but thinking on this possibility, I am able to keep a better focus on the physical, and really enjoy it more.

However, I am often, now, taken to puzzling over the nature of matter, that matter is consciousness, and it is all very real and engrossing when we are “awake,” and there is no refuting our bodies are chemically, electromagnetically organic creations, so how is this possible.

Air and water, earth and sky have consciousness. My cells have consciousness, and it is my DNA fueling the whole experience. What is this connection point. I want to know more. And I think this as I spoon Iced Tea into a favorite patient of mine, as I do my documents for the class I am organizing, as I smoke.

But, I think this is a subject for another day. I have long had another puzzle, one which also applies to the subject matter at hand.

I know that being physical is not the only game in town. That’s pretty obvious. I mean, if you want to go the ghost route, fine. Seances, UFO’s, NWO/Illuminati stuff, angels, crystals, drumming, chanting, praying, hiking, working, there are so many ways to get there, it really just doesn’t matter how it’s done.

Much, you discover, validates the other information you are gathering, and, at least for me, it was this synthesis, fused with an internal compass, that led me to this other world.

Like you, I’m sure, I have always had the ability to focus elsewhere. I had a teacher who helped me focus this innate trance state, and verified my sight, and gave me prophecies for my life.

I thought she was great, but way, way off with my life, the events she saw when I was in my teens. All of them came to pass, except one. I’m still waiting on that one. Trance, hypnosis, guided meditation, these are things that came naturally for me, and I took to them like they were a life raft.

In a culture which relegates intuition to a female trait, and female traits are less valuable, at best, and subject to justified ridicule, at worst, how does one fit in when there is this split, this other-worldly quality, the knowing that there is more, much more, than what is in front of you?

The world did not bend, not one iota for us, usually. Sure, we have magic, many of us can play with weather and have had mysterious, amazing synchronicities in our lives, but really, it is just recently that I sense a shift in all of this.

It gets me back to this sensation I had, that I just don’t understand this. The earth, I get that. I just don’t get all the nonsense, all the self-inflicted nonsense. And yet, in my day, I have participated in all of it. But, even a taste of some of it turns the countenance sour. Speaking about another unkindly. Saying, “I hate….” Swearing. Getting angry when there is a very inconvenient and difficult change in plans. Being disappointed, and voicing that disappointment. Thinking unkind, mean thoughts or cursing people in my mind.

These things may seem innocent, but when I engage in them, my discomfort is so acute, I can hardly breathe. I am on a bed of nails until I make it right.

I had a similar experience about twenty years ago with a group called The Teachers. They had told me that there will come a time when nothing can be hidden. They admonished me to prepare for such a time by focusing on living in impeccability to self, in all honesty, deep honesty, and to find the benevolence, the story of mercy, within any happening, especially any so called tragedy.

They said there would come a time when everyone could talk to everyone, and nothing could be hidden. Institutions would fall, anything not in integrity would fall. Same message Kryon was delivering, at roughly the same time. Funny, the parallels.

But their message was deeply personal: do not live in shame. Live in alignment with yourself.

They told me there would come a time when dishonesty, telling a lie would become very uncomfortable, and then, impossible. And it did. And here it comes again, but now with behavior in a group, in real time, on the fly.

My work trauma comes from not being able to consistently practice at the highest level, in good humor, wisely, kindly. My unkindness bothers me, haunts me. Always has. It feels good to write these words, to acknowledge this process.

I wonder if I am able and willing to channel at work because I see the work as divine, and I feel so good, so pure, so happy and whole, around sick people. I feel so good. I am in heaven when I can go visit my friends in the wheelchairs. I love them like no other beings here. Even the cranky ones.

And so, in contrast with the almost otherworldly high I have when I am around my patients, I see the bitterness and small thinking of the staff, the decisions they make that self-preserve and how they hide what they are convinced are fatal flaws. I see management not being thoughtful and respectful toward the ones who are doing the job, and the workers thinking they deserve that sort of treatment. It is quite odd to me, sometimes, how we have chosen to relate to one another. And then I feel a little alien, so I get my hands dirty, do a gross job, a tedious one, and try to relate as a human being yet again.

That is what it is like for me, and this is a stress I gladly gave up for two years, when I did shift work instead, and stayed away from work groups. Is what I do a form of channeling? Is it a psychosis? Is it melding spirit and flesh during certain activities, and not being able to at others? Is it just trying to be a decent person regardless of circumstance? Does it matter a lot to you what the answer is?

I have noticed my senses have gotten more acute.

One day in a morning meeting, as all the sleepy department heads gathered around a big table, I had a thought. I eased back in my chair and realized I loved these people very very much. I thought that each of them came from homes, all decorated differently, and outside of this context, they are having other grand adventures, with other people, hobbies, children. I could feel everyone beginning to glow in my imagination, as they began to expand in love, and the light came. Everyone was glowing, big and pretty, and so in love with everything.

And then, I could feel the Teachers beside me, reminding me of what they told me long ago, “Be the open heart in the room. Just be that.” And so I leaned back a bit more, and just loved on everybody. I could feel the patterns, sense the feedback, the communicative noise that settles on us all like a blanket, some more than others, and the problematic patterns block out good, block this light, block the flow. And then I could see how that’s all this is. All of us have different patterns of communication, different expectations, based on our beliefs and experience, mostly. So much of work life is old mommy and daddy issues, mainly.

I could see this patterned, sort of darkening stuff, and heard “overlays”, as these glowing beings got more and more dense, believing more and more and more that this is it, this is all just life and death, it’s this or oblivion. I began to hear fear thoughts and sense anxieties. I could hear stuff going on in the room again.

I thought, this sort of overlay, this old thinking, the despair thinking, the disconnection with source, it lays on people and makes them act in unusual and unpredictable ways. They hold grudges on things that are odd, create and then lament chaos, and on it goes. They are growing, learning. My sister sees it too. We are in similar positions, many of us. Maybe not wiser or older, but, with this change in energy has come a lightening, a quickening, an ease, I feel.

When I was waking up full-on, a couple years ago, what really shocked the most, and still does, sometimes, though now it doesn’t sting anymore, but, people really are hesitant about being loved. They are not very accepting of it, sometimes. They don’t believe the honor, the love, the acceptance and joy I feel for them, when I feel it, sometimes. Even simple kindnesses are often turned away, invitations not accepted, the turning away, I have called it.

So it has been my task to figure out what I might be doing to make people resistant to being loved. It’s easy to self-reference. But the more I see, the more I think that each of us has blocks to this inner sanctuary, this inner love and respect and adoration and trust, from which all else flows. If we think someone else has control of our good, or can see good in us that we don’t know unless they are around, then we are perpetual victims, perpetually afraid, in lack, willing to shrink.

From self-acceptance, letting yourself off the hook, from this all good comes, but, you see, there are many different levels to this work.

The sort of self-acceptance I am talking about is the willingness to see your adversary as someone you called to you, a great teacher, a fierce warrior playacting a role you devised to give you some piece of the puzzle. This seeming enemy, a friend, in reality, pushes you, changes circumstances in your life, allows for the interplay of will and ability, love and mercy, self-acceptance and self-knowledge. And you come to see that it can be no other way: far from a source of problems, you are vital, this is your creation, you have a hand in how this goes.

Created and devised at night, and parallel to us, the manifestation, the argument or dissonance or challenge comes up, and, at least for me, now, it is in my split-second reaction that I am focusing. I am seeing the sloppiness, I am seeing my momentary blips into self-pity, rage, embarrassment, futility, and even though these were states I used to occupy full time, now, just those blips are uncomfortable. Is this channeling? Is this a meld? I think it’s just being entangled

As I saw these beautiful glowing beings I work with and saw their patterning, their leanings and usual set of assumptions, but this is hard to language, everything was in a state of acceptance and awe and benevolence, mind you. Without a speck of judgment. It was a relief to not feel it. The stuff I called darkness earlier is more like patterns, shadow and light, duality, maybe.

I understood that each of is this glowing stuff, this diamond brilliance, and we choose these patterns, to challenge them, to finish the business at hand and get on to loving and trusting, creating and playing, having thrown out the whole concept of risk. There is only risk when there are critics in the room.

So, I’m seeing this light show, looking like I need coffee, probably, and no one knows. I am just another cog in a rickety machine, it appears to some, long in tooth and grey in hair. This is one more way those tribesmen have it over me, personally, at this stage of my development. They have each other to hug and pat on the back and scout with while for roots.

But, we have the internet. I have this writing. And I have you. And you, is it not clear, is it not obvious, you have me. I am in your hands. I offer my self to you in all honor, for this work I feel compelled to do is meaningless somehow without you there, reading it. Thank you, now and evermore. You are an ever friend, though we never meet.

So, that morning, I am hearing, “Be the open heart in the room,” and it dawns on me, there is going to come a day when I’m not the only one doing it. Won’t that be a treat!

That afternoon, one of the nurses gave me a copy of the Buddhist chants she contemplates while on smoke breaks. We exchanged deep thoughts, and agreed it would be good to go to Kirtan together.

This is the humor of the universe, chuckling and shaking its wise, mischievous, gentle head. You are not alone, silly girl. Look around you. Stop that nonsense, and go have some fun!

I know I am just one of an army of individuals going through similar things. It has never been mine to take to the page and tell you what I think in anything but personal terms. To me, it seemed the only honest way to proceed. I have used my waking life, friends and work and family, home and financial life, all labs, of sorts, When I go off, intrepid, testing out the hypotheses I get when in contemplation, while driving, while showering.

I am seeing in the daily lab of my physical life which things, which thoughts, constructs, belief structures, hold up, and which fall away. It has been a speedy process here lately, and I like how things are integrating. Everything is a little less slippery and elusive now.

Somehow seeing those tribesmen, seeing that their task is to help the villagers heal, in exchange for an uncompromising freedom, I felt a recognition and a settling of purpose. That is exactly what I have.

To close, I will tell you that I picked up a book on Philosophy. I had an amazing experience in college, when I was tasked with learning about Aristotle. I delivered what, in retrospect, was a surprising and complex work on Aristotelian thought in literature and how this relates to universal human experience, and how the two validate each other.

I had a fugue while researching and writing, a delicious one, and I have no doubt that I was touching on old lives, dear times, expansive times.

Reading this picture book on philosophy is like reading about brothers. I don’t feel alien at all when I read about these guys, walking around arguing about the meaning of life, thinking up questions others just don’t.

Watching Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos is another such experience. It’s as if my heart just eases, I can breathe more deeply, and all this calm floods me. Ahhh, something I understand. I can always hear, in the background, especially with Cosmos “You’re not going far enough. Go farther. Go farther,” and watching traditional science shows fills me with a weird, low grade soul panic, a frustration that they just don’t have it yet, but still, he’ll hit just the right note, say just the right thing,and I am flying, free, remembering the truth of things, my own narrator filling in on what they don’t yet know.

This life is a spiral, and I am encountering now what I encountered 20 years ago, but so vastly different, here in a different capacity now, but here as a student of self. I discovered Sheldrake then, meditation, channeling that was very pure, integration of spirit in daily life. And it is all happening again. It’s nice to be on familiar ground again.

I have laid to rest the worries I once had about The Others. This is a planet of free choice. Everyone can do as they see fit. I will do as I see fit. I am no one’s keeper, and no one is my keeper. Not anymore.

I know economic madness still reigns, we all know we put pervs and thieves and murderers in charge, and that we have really fouled our nest, but, so what, now that the lights have come up, we can clean house that much better.

I see this as a time of fine-tuning, of completed business, of review and closure and completion. Timelines closing, by choice, by synchronicity’s mystical hand, a hand we still fail to recognize as our own.

I know there are things I can access through channeling that I do not have access to when here, like this, at the keyboard. I really did not know its validity, at least for me, until I re-read “No Longer Applicable” the other day.

It was just uncanny.

Future self, higher self, whatever it is called, I like going there, I trust the messages, at least for me, and I think it is a valid pursuit, since channeling quickens the pace of physical reality, and quickens the synchronicity. It is fun to chronicle it all. It’s sort of my job.

And so, yes, I will do a one for one thing, and the next entry will be a channeling. Who knows about what. If you have questions or topics you want to know about, PM or email me.

All blessings on, in, and through you this day and every day.