Deeply Awake: Meditations On Metamorphosis By Kathy Vik 6-18-18


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Deeply Awake: Meditations On Metamorphosis By Kathy Vik 6-18-18

I am writing to you today with a grin on my face, feeling freer and more on purpose than I am used to, to be honest.

We have construction going on in our building, so video capturing these thoughts isn’t possible, and it is perfection itself. There is a symphony playing within me, rather than a faint air of tinkling notes from a distant, unknowable place. To be able to capture this music with my fingertips this morning, rather than my speech fills me with happiness. This complex, beautiful, uplifting song is what I want to share, what was once a faint few notes, disembodied, and life itself.

That’s how I used to describe it, you know. At the beginning? And these faint stirrings in the summer of 2011 led to revelations and light shows by January of ’12. But at first? It was a hint of faint music, from a distant place. It affected my mood and gave me a knowledge of hope and magic, but it left unpredictably, came upon me spontaneously, and was just enough to make me feel better, to make me sit up straight and smile for once.

That’s how it felt. I would feel this lift, a familiar but faintly supernatural one, and it was only just that, at the beginning. When I use that verbiage, I am referring to an extraordinary time in my life, completely unexpected, but weirdly familiar, like I said.

It was the same magical feel I had when The Teachers were with me, when I was gaining counsel from a channeled group way back when, in the early ’90’s. During their time with me, I was like this, like I am now, mobile in my consciousness, aware of much, and playing with it, though still prone to letting it get me down, sometimes way too much.

I have had to learn how to deal with grievance, and so, in reviewing my last offering, I realized that, although completely valid, necessary and beautiful, the tone of it, the feel of it, was one of grievance, and I wasn’t very fond of that signature. What’s that about? I wondered. What’s going on here?

And so, it came to pass that many miracles have occurred in my life, and I understand now what I did not, then. Oh, how many times have I written that sentence, phrased that sentiment in words never varying far from the core note, “I am changed.”

This morning, as all morning, I received lovely gifts of thought, ways in which to house memory and intention, solutions to problems I have never considered, and answers to questions I had only begun to language.

So it goes, for me, these days.

Today I was shown the chromosomes, and was given puzzles about male and female. It was explained that the variant is male, the element added is the Y chromosome, the prototype is the X. They explained, in pictures and thoughts, how specialized and necessary and vital the roles are, the happily taken on tasks of spirit incarnate. It was a lovely exploration into realms I simply had not considered before and the exercise softened me toward everyone and everything, as the exercises are, I suspect, designed to do, while instructing my open and complex heart-mind.

What it all led to, though, was the butterfly, the caterpillar, the cocoon phase, and just how badass that creature is.

I think it’s daft to see a butterfly as anything but a hard-core spiritual warrior, a talisman for many, a totem, a symbol of Self. Oh! If human beings were that willing and able to obey the instruction set their bodies course with, to be so at peace with mystery, with disintegration, with surrender!

I have lately been aware that I am now quite different than I was, even a year ago. Something has shifted these last few weeks. I have, most assuredly, done the most profound and deep inner, meditative work of my life, during this time. I have changed my magnetics, my trajectory, and my history. This morning, with movies of caterpillars, cocoons and butterflies playing in my brain, making coffee, scratching, yawning, I considered them as welcome guest and resident counselor, and learned from them. To understand it, I personalized it.

You do get that Deeply Awake is just that, right? It’s the personalization, the unique interpretation of source energy through these fingertips, these pupils, these feet, this heart. It’s always been about translating this cosmic force into daily life, living it, being it, knowing it as self, and self as source. What other goal can there be, after all? But it’s exactly why it’s been risky, and weird, and fun, and at times kind of scary for me. Just putting out there my thoughts on all this, not as a leader or an authority, but just as an organic part of life in America in 2018, a woman equipped with a story, a mission (so to speak), and the interwebs.

I thought on my 2 million words, my volumes upon volumes of raw work, beautiful, transformative, transportive, educational, often hilarious, sometimes scary, always surprising. What a treasure! But what I was aware of during those butterfly moments is that the work is already done. I already did it.

I am done with one thing, and I am something else now, because of what I did.

I saw then that this past time, this time of constricted affect, fear-based and shame-based responses and expectations, of living up to expectations, when the game is rigged, and I am perpetually on the losing end? Yeah, those days are done.

I got it, in one day, how it is no longer acceptable or desired for me to pathologize my affect or behavior. What was once mild autism has given way to self-acceptance so fulminant that what I am discovering is that people actually understand me to be wiser than they, more deep and true a person than they have encountered, and a long-lost friend, often times.

I could understand, then, what I had been shown the day before, how I seemed to go through an opening up, a shedding of shame and fear, of sexual pain and torture, within these recent years.

Part of this most recent training involved healing from women and with men working shamanically. Through our practices, I came to understand about the Other, and my Self, and I was finally somehow able to be aware of what I had been able to contain, for so very long. In groups, in company, in love, I then lovingly and powerfully released these realities with a burst of love and joy and abandon and spiritual bliss. I came to understand God, myself, other people, sexuality, spirituality and shamanism in ways that put me back together.

Oh yes, it was deep and profoundly spiritual work, and we did it consciously knowing we were indeed offering release for all fellow enslaved and imprisoned sisters and brothers. What you do for self, you do for the collective, either for ill, or for good.

It’s been wholly alchemical work.

But I had yet to define just WHO was doing this work. I was led from task to task, from situation and person to situation and person, often stunned to find myself in so unusual, colorful, and comfortable a place, be it an orgy or an art exhibit, a burlesque show or a class on trach care in infants, but always in this state of indefinition, of exploration, of not-quite-there-yet-but-getting-ever-closer-don’t-give-up.

51 years of difficulty, by design, by agreement and request, let’s never forget that!

6 years of breaking through, breaking open, shutting down, of terminations, new beginnings, calculated risks and knowing smiles.

And now, here I am.

I came from all of that. Yep, that was me. I have the photos and the t-shirts to prove it. I have the essays and videos explaining it all, from my cocoon, from my altered state.

And now, there are three small days until the solstice. I am a Terran. A Gaian. An Earthling. I find the way my soul marks time is with celestial events, so I pay attention to the ones that I am made aware of. This solstice marks much, for me.

Summer solstice of 2014, my god, I had never been so happy, in my whole life. Those were golden days, that spring, those years.

Four years have passed. I have seen my consciousness twist and turn. I have finally encountered the blackness within me. I had my Armageddon. I had my crucifixions. I’ve had my zero-point moments. And here I am, shiny and comfortable and enthusiastic. I am still very much alive. What conclusions can be drawn?  That our terminology is out-dated, and the labels unnecessary and costly.

If you want to put a fine point on it, I think spiritual bad-ass will do nicely.

I had many intense years, and from them I come away in peace, singing a newly found, ancient song, finally a lilt in my step that I have previously found so elusive that before, when this feeling came upon me, I set out to describe it in words, in explanations, what it is like, what I am thinking, feeling, expecting, knowing, because it is WAY different, and WAY better than normal. I never completed that task. I let this jeweled reality be a potential one, one I slip into overnight and never stop wearing, one fine day.

And, here I am, in one of those times again. Things are finally sweetening, lightening up, easing. The last week or so. Finally.

And this time, I know it can be and will be and is sustained. It is not lightning in a bottle as much as the general weather. It is not so much miracle as matrix of reality, now, this sweetening, this lightening up.

I had some big stuff to get through, just for me, always only for me, and I did much of it without explanation or roadmap for others. What I am doing is archetypal, revolutionary, and wholly personal. This is the inner work, the tomb of tombs work, the high alchemy we each come to do, to master, to walk away from.

And that’s the point.

To walk on.

I like how my world is so big now, and how much I am happy and comfortable with. I find that the things I hold in contempt make me look small and bent and hurt. I know that. But I also know that in a social matrix, it was important to break some barriers, to state some things, to clear for a consciousness things that have been all jammed up in their throat chakras, unable to be released. The will was there. Oh yes. But not the ability. It takes time and effort to master new tools, new equipment.

I am reminded of when I was led through the opening of the chakra systems. It was highly unpleasant and physically so. It was a physicalized soul pain, that’s the best way to describe it. It is only now that it has come into focus what I did. I’ll explain a bit, and then I want to conclude with what I understood from the butterfly thing.

The night they led me to this, I had been channeling, working, doing mirror gazing, writing, it was full-on. This night, they led me back to what they had explained when I had been trained, in the ’90’s. They expanded it and it finally all made more sense. I’ll explain it to you now, briefly.

For this discussion, PLEASE know assignation of gender is ENERGETIC, not biologic! I know women who are far more male, and males far more female, and many who are both!

They told me that each age is set with magnetic “locks” or set-ups in consciousness. It was done with the 7 chakra wheel system, which is itself a false one, a closed one, so not entirely useful for more than compulsory exploration.

Each age have males in one magnetic position, females in another. This is how “experiments in consciousness” are done. They’d explained, way back when, that the agreement this go around is that men would have their crowns and pineal turned down, with their root and sacral areas taking the excess energy, and in females, their throats were turned down, thus inflaming the solar plexus, and growing the heart. Mute.

This was the set up.

That night in April of 2016, on camera (Since destroyed… it was too raw and hard for me to watch, so I got rid of it) in channel, they explained it first, and then they led me, as a male, chakra by chakra, in the last experiment’s magnetics. It was so uncomfortable. The whole exercise was.

Then they led me through each chakra as male, at 100%. It felt so much better!

Then they did that with me, as female. Constricted, it was so uncomfortable, so much pain, oh my. And then, with each of my seven, they opened all to 100%

They then proclaimed that this is how it now is, for all, as they wish. Then they explained to me that I would use the local sauna with its crystal-encrusted walls and endless showers as a temple of sorts, to anchor this and spread the word, if the crystal kingdom chose to give consent.

I remember going to sleep that night worried that the crystal kingdom might say no. They explained to me about just how royal and impeccable those beings are, and I already have a natural deferential respect for them, so, it was a worry of mine. In the morning, I asked questions, and found out that part of this process had been to come to peace with what I was doing, to give it some thought, and be at peace with what it really means.

Honestly, some of this stuff is of an importance and magnitude that, if thought real, is pretty impressive, and really sweet to have done. What a nice gift, you know?

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Just how real is any of it, right?

Well, I was presented to the crystal kingdom, I paid my respects and honor to them, and they accepted the message and it was done. This is what They have done with me whenever there has been a big enough change in consciousness, or a big enough release, that it is appropriate to then make it available to all in a more amplified way.

I was led to think on Kryon’s opening of nulls and nodes.

There is some work that is done so intuitively, and is actually part of the Earth’s design, that we just do as we know we can and must, because we are being asked to, and we know how to do it. So it goes with gatekeepers, gridworkers, and all spiritual or energetic warriors.

I use that word to denote our skill, not our desire to war. That is not something we have as standard equipment. Devoid as we are of a desire for it, it is very much standard equipment, this innate skill in battle we each possess, whether we want it or not.

With a lot of this more revolutionary stuff, what I have deduced is that, as a human being, it is my right and responsibility to answer the stirrings of my soul, wherever it takes me. In 2012, that meant writing about it. In 2016, it meant coming to the camera.

Can you imagine the flood of relief, the gratitude for company as this informational tsunami hit me in 2012,  this flood of familiar-new energy I saw populating the internet, generating a discussion I’d longed to be part of?

For a lifetime, it had been my walk to live as I had finally deduced would be wise and safe: in girlhood I knew, and in my thirties I doubled-down on living my spiritual life privately. It was pondered silently, written about rarely, and almost never talked about.

It was a black-out kind of thing, and for two decades, I held The Teachers’ information close to the vest. It was a  part of me, the knowledge, but cordoned off, irrelevant to goings-on. When I did risk sharing, through those years, it always led to a feeling of profound aloneness and disconnection. It/I made people feel uncomfortable, when I did risk it all and brought it out.

And then, in 2012, everything sort of came on-line. More was possible. I felt better more often, though it was still mighty bleak at times.

Getting back, to the chakra systems… (I am sooo enjoying writing to you today! I’m finding it hard to stop!)

I have reviewed what the expectations They had for how behavior in the genders would begin to change, and how puzzling it would all seem, at first, until people are more hooked up with their individual hearts and souls.

They said the result of being at 100%, all chakras, would be that Man would begin thinking “Woman, I hate you, and yet, I cannot help but feel stirrings of true tenderness for you. What is this? What is this?” And, poor confused Man would be confronted with the dragon it created, while under.

Because Woman would begin to air grievances, their throats now cleared of impediment.

They said it could get quite hard and heated and heart-breaking, because it would be an on-onslaught of pent-up grievances, heard by counterparts who can now actually feel the impact of it all in a far more vibrant, and responsible way. But they won’t be cut a lot of slack, even when it would be in everyone’s best interest to ease up a little. It would take time to balance it.

That was April of 2016. Pre-Weinstein. Pre #metoo. Crazy-weird, huh?

Anyhow. Butterflies.

There is a lightening going on, an easing up and off, and maybe that means it really is the time of moving past grievance. I have a lot of friends who do not trifle with things such as the dark. They are too busy doing the stuff I want to do, know how to do, now, and am able to do, finally.

I realized that this was, in essence, the lesson, and maybe it really can be seen in so simple of terms that there was a time when I had a consciousness that was like a TV, broadcasting for decades in black and white.

The set itself had to change into one that could not only see in color, but which could handle not 5 stations, but an infinite amount of data, or programming, for want of a better subtexted word.

I think that for me, maybe my black and white days ended during those ramping-up days in the spring and summer of 2011, culminating in the first of a seemingly never-ending series of light events. That first one was so eye-popping, so life-altering, so freeing. It was supernatural, and life-changing, that weird, cold, clear day back in January of 2012.

Maybe then I had to go through a change in my receiver, an opening it up, a deepening and broadening of my receiving band, so that I could receive whatever my heart desired.

And now, I can manage great rivers of consciousness, I can be in many places at once, I can throw my consciousness, I can feel into things with more heart, but, far more, I am at peace. I am finally at peace and happy.

I used to be really fat, and I consumed a lot, and I had my eyes down, and I really couldn’t, I just couldn’t really give two craps about anything lofty or exalted, not really, not after The Teachers left, in 1994.

And then, just like a bad ass caterpillar, something happens, a gong goes off inside, and I suddenly have something I gotta do.

For me, that was 2012, and that was writing. That was Deeply Awake. I HAD TO capture what I was suddenly aware of, and having adeptness, stunned familiarity and skill, with.

And now?

I produced roughly 2 million words. I gave it everything I had, each and every time I came to you. I declared this a safe place to say anything that had to be said, because it was pretty, because it was interesting, because it made sense to me, even though the rest of creation turned away from this sudden blaze of love, light, laughter, I suddenly became in 2012.

I have had time to mellow that. To understand that just because I love like that doesn’t mean anybody else does, and I have come to some sort of peace with being human, and being among those who are as afraid as I once was, and still sometimes feel. Sometimes still, I am once again suddenly thinking and feeling things that feel constricted and tight and bendy and hard to justify. I snap out of it easily now, what used to take months or weeks to be delivered from.

You have seen a very loving person trying to figure out how to love everyone, wisely and openly and with great mirth and a sense of inner safety that is unshakable. I don’t think that’s anything more than just growing up as a spiritual being, really. I think we dress this stuff up and call it fancy things like ascension and all that other stuff just because we feel it is so unattainable, peace and some sort of flow.

I didn’t catch a ton of breaks, made worse by my beloved habit of erring on the side of my lack of self-worth.  I had a whole a boatload of problems or life-situations to work through and explain to myself, mostly revolving around power and love, will and love.

It was interesting, lots of tensions and contrasts, and then, a six year period of dissolving, of reforming, of discovery, and full stops. Waves of people, waves of events, me riding whatever wave wanted to come by.

It’s now that I realize I am the sea, and I have the ability to be calm, and to keep it so. I like that.

And so, as stories end, as the conclusions are braided into the ever-continuing saga of spiritual, divine, cosmic life, I leave you with a picture, with a moment, that you may reflect upon at leisure. Knowing myself as ocean, as sea, as cosmic mother, as one source of The Source, I leave you with a story. I leave you gently, sweetly, and in deep devotion to the beautiful light you are.

It is sunrise. 

Just above an infinite expanse of a glossy living mirror, an ocean, along flutters a colorful floating creature, bobbing up and down in the silent, still, reverent air.

A butterfly.



We let it be, knowing of a miracle. We two now know of this tableau bursting with violet and crimson and white and canary yellow and iridescent pink.

Below is an endless expanse of teeming life within the water, the water itself a being, a host, a cosmic dancer.

And above it all, popping, floating, beating its wings, obedient to its innate knowledge of lands beyond its imagination, here, for our delight, flies a vividly blue butterfly.

This being is regal, purposeful, perfect, delightful.

This quiet moment is now yours, and yet, here the beauty will remain. It is here it will unfurl into awareness for its brave and tender visitors, forever floating there, and glittering here, on the web.

My gift to you, The Beloved.

Blessings be.



And, just for fun…



“Immigrant Song”

Ah, ah.

We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow.

Hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new land.
To fight the hordes and sing, and cry.
Valhalla, I am coming.

Always sweep with, with threshing oar.
Our only goal will be the western shore.

Ah, ah.

We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow.

How soft your fields so green. Can whisper tales of gore.
Of how we calmed the tides of war. We are your overlords.

Always sweep with threshing oar,
Our only goal will be the western shore.

So now you’d better stop and rebuild all your ruins.
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh
Ooh. Ah.

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Have a wonderful day or evening!

~Peder B. Helland




Deeply Awake: Shadow Work Under The Big Top By Kathy Vik 5-17-18


**For a satisfying and congruent sensory experience, I suggest listening to and inhabiting this song by Johnny Cash, before accessing my video. It is so well done: for those who can crawl inside a song, the views within are monumental, and evoke many of the feeling states which I neutralize in my work.

It’s a good way to set the stage for what I discuss in this beautiful and seminal work on shadow, death, light and love.



Then, I suggest a palate cleanse, with 4 Non Blondes. Let’s not linger in the dark, after all.

Then, plug me in and let me take you away.



This is a deep, surprising, and poetic look at what shadow work really is, and the mindset, or heart-space that is conducive to its resolution.

I offer techniques, I discuss energetic management and reality construction, but this is really mostly a soul talk.

As a former psych and hospice RN, I was a life-long death walker and shadow worker. I had, physical and non-physical experiences with malevolence and cruelty. I held witness for it, and did my best to bring it peace.

I fully acknowledge I contain that cruelty and darkness within, its capacity, at least. And as a lightworker, I have knowledge of ascension, harmonics, energy, and healing.

What is presented herein is a snapshot, after a weeks-long process of integration, about the role of shadow in our inner and outer realities.

This song is one of joy, of freedom and release, of regeneration and innate peace and pride, knowing the balance has been struck, the sweetening is inevitable, and it’s now time to start reframing, individually, culturally and globally, our thoughts and feelings, our outlook and intentions, using a newer metric of self worth, and a stronger willingness to live daily life sovereign beings.

The title of this piece comes from a parable that begins at 49:45. It summarizes the preceding work and helps to deliver more than I could in expository form.

That I am now relating complex parables off the cuff sans editing on camera is quite a milestone, for me. When beginning this work in 2012, I ALWAYS “vacated” for parables, letting a much higher wisdom run the show, and to this day, they stun me with their simplicity and complexity, beauty and symmetry.

I’m kind of floored that this came out and yet I didn’t have to officially channel to do it. My memory of the content is fuzzy, as if I have been channeling, and I remain ever grateful I have video to refer to.

This latest series is on a whole new level of communication, and I can feel the third language, the interdimensional one, bursting within my new offerings, flooding viewers, listeners and readers with vibrant creative life, and joy, and with light, all layered, interrelated, complementary, entangled, and complete.

I hope you enjoy this. I think it’s a most beautiful love letter from home.





Deeply Awake — Better Now 1-20-14 By Kathy Vik

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Deeply Awake — Better Now 1-20-14 By Kathy Vik

Collective Soul does a song, “Better Now,” and I have hugged trees to it, driven while speeding, and cleaned the house to it. There aren’t too many words to it, so I’m going to write them here.

Oh, I’m newly calibrated

All shiny and clean

I’m your recent adaptation

Time to redefine me

Let the word out, I’ve got to get out,

Oh I’m feeling better now

Oh, I’m happy as Christmas

All wrapped to be seen

I’m your recent acquisition,

Time to celebrate me

The world is done shakin’, the world’s done shakin’, the world’s done shakin’ me down…

And because that’s how I have been feeling here lately, I thought I’d start out by quoting my favorite band. Once I am done here, I intend to go buy, and then drink, some whiskey, and I’m going to watch the rest of Grey’s Anatomy, and will, at some point, wind up in a warm, scented bath. The world’s done shaking me down.

Of course, after the trips I have had, I understand a little better than this “world” doing all the shaking down of people is nothing more, in the end, than my perception of the world, and getting shaken down is not the end of the world, so to speak.

This brings me to the miracle I have been wanting to tell you about, since it happened to me, Sunday morning.

I woke up feeling, almost immediately, sort of sick inside for having written what I wrote last. I had a long list of reasons to feel all sorts of awful about it, and then, just as strong and pure as you please, something happened.

I realized, sitting there emoting, sitting up in my bed, feeling that odd mixture of terror and doom that I get when I feel I have exposed myself inappropriately, and inexpertly, I realized just a few things, in rapid succession, and had no argument to any of these new thoughts.

I guess I am equivocating because the thoughts themselves seem to be so obvious, and so well worn for me, that to admit that I just did not GET them until Sunday morning is a little embarrassing, all on its own.

I heard/understood and then really, really got, believed, accepted, the following: It really is ok if I wrote eleven pages of sheer crap yesterday. It really, really, really is ok. Because hardly anyone reads me anyway, (A), and B, who gives a shit if anyone, me included, likes it one little bit. So what? So what?

And with that, it was as if years of self-reproach just sort of peeled off of me. To say there was a before and an after moment would be shockingly accurate. And, once I was in the other camp, looking back on my fear and belief in karmic punishment, and taking myself oh-so-seriously, I felt new, and I felt better than just better, now.

I have written about it before, how you can read the same language, parrot it, even, and until it just gets in, until it sinks in, really really sinks in, it’s different, than when you finally get it.

It’s like math, or any other thing that one must pursue doggedly, see repeated often, and feel so allied to that even though the questions and refutations still keep active within, after that moment of grace, when everything can be accepted, it’s just a concept, or something someone else says that fires you up.

It has always been that way for me when I have worked with teachers, and books, they are my teachers too. Gurus, I have, I guess, had them, although I consider them my higher self in someone else’s bio-suit, but books, even movies, they can all be teachers.

I surrounded myself, these last couple of years, with the things which always made sense to me, even when they made sense to no one in my tribe. I kept my head down and wrote about the things that came to mind, and I chronicled my meditations and hallucinations, and felt, very early on, that even though I could get into an argument about it all, the bottom line is that I had found something that spoke to me that was left lonely by the thoughts and activities others pursue as if they are life and death. For me, understanding God was life and death, understanding myself was life and death, and finding peace was the only option open to me.

How does one love the unlovable, the unloving, the cruel? How does one find courage in the face of social death? How does one find peace when there is no peace anywhere? How does one stop feeling lonely, when alone or with a group of friends? Do I fit in? Am I accepted? Do I have a right to be here? How did this all come about?

And on the questions went, on the adventure went, and I followed the clues that came to me, and found, bit by bit, that even if no one else ever understood the things I did, at least I was beginning to see some sense, for me, always just for me, because finding these truths tended to really alienate people from me, did for a long time.

But something happened about a week ago. The energy just was different. I woke up one day, and everything just felt different.

Like other times in my life, this new chapter has its own feeling state, its one body state, and with it comes smells, and scenes, and things I know are real, but just haven’t shown up yet. And that is a far cry from where I once was, groping, hoping, feeling absolutely lost and found all at once. Deconstructed, I was, have been, for a long time.

And then that morning, just a week ago, I felt a sturdiness in the air. I think, on my facebook feed, I said that everything just feels more REAL.

That sense has not abated. It’s not wishful thinking, that things have changed, or are gonna change. They have changed, and now I am in something altogether new.

And so, then, in the morning a couple days later, when it was simple and obvious, that feeling all those old feelings of self-doubt, recrimination, blame, shame, all of it, it all seemed like a time consuming and technicolor exercise I no longer had to engage in, I got up off my bed, and got into the shower.

This is new. This understanding that I can, I really, really can, dangle on any cross I want to, there are so many to choose from, but, today, nah, I think I’ll just walk, well, that was a day for the books.

I think what is important, for me, is to remember that things are problems until they aren’t, for me. Whether this is due to a cumulative learning style, or whether it’s me, intuiting energetic changes far before they are obvious, I don’t know. And I do know that there are many who have never felt a need to wrestle with any of the things I have, and so they may see no merit in the struggle and no joy in its end, but, for me anymore, I am not interested in comparing my road with anybody else’s.

And I remain totally disinterested in doing anything but sharing my patch of road with you in this way. It’s not mine to tell you how to do things. It’s mine to figure out how to do things, just for me, for my own well-being, and then, if you want to ask me a few questions, well, then, we are going to have a wonderful talk.

I will tell you, without divulging too much, that these miracles started before the delivery date, so to speak. I experienced, last week, a massive healing, over lunch, and the peace I feel from those hours still calms me, and makes me smile.

An ancient trouble was forgiven on that day, forgotten, really, and left to die under the table. An afterthought.

Two great souls got out of their skins, out of their stories, and I was given such love, such honor, such love, and I really really needed it, but just from this one person. It was a thorn I have had in my paw for decades, and it was taken out with love, patience, humor, recognition, by a very dear friend, someone I’d lost hope I’d be able to refer to, truly, as friend, this lifetime.

And so, I remain unconvinced that all th work I have done has been for naught. I used to think this scribbling was unimportant, sometimes, and narcissistic, and without real purpose. I was wrong, though, about all of that. I know that now.

I have been great at shrinking from the world and its obligations, and there is still a lot about how people behave that I just don’t get, but I guess what has happened is a critical mass has been met inside me, and what was once conjecture, what was once a pristine and beautiful belief structure that I knew to be true but had been, I’d felt, untested, is now working, gloriously working, pumping to me things I understand, events I have prayed for, and feeling states I have longed a lifetime to own, embody, not just know about or agree with but be.

The feeling states are simple ones. That I am fine just as I am, and no one can really be my judge. That there are very few people I meet with an inner authority like mine, and for years I doused my authority because I couldn’t feel any resonance at all. That the things I feel the most ashamed about are just as beautiful as the things I feel great pride in, and there is just no need to hate myself, or to be depressed.

Imagine, understanding that, no matter what, I will never be depressed for long, that I will always, now, find that center from which the narration, the dictation comes, and I really am ok. Hours and hours go by now, and I realize, sometimes, there is just not one thing to worry about.

That is what , I think, that morning miracle was all about. I realized in a flash that I really could go down the rabbit hole and start worrying and hating myself and fearing, but I didn’t have to, not anymore, and I was serving no one’s interested by engaging in that thinking. And so, I listened to the sense I heard being made in my head, and I went a different route, one which is lighter.

And that’s how I feel. I feel lighter, my mood has lightened, my thinking has too, and so have my sights.

There is a trust which comes from having abandoned all hope to finding a home here on earth, among people. There is a trust which has settled into me which has, now that I look over it all, comes from incrementally walking from everything which did not feel tolerable, true or beautiful, and going a different route altogether. One no one, at the time, understood or respected. But I did. And I pursued my interests just as I have anything which matters to me, at the near exclusion of everything else.

But to solve my Existential Depression, to solve the issue of my soul, to solve the riddles which The Teachers whispered to me all those years ago, it was worth the dogged pursuit, it was worth what I gave up. All of it has been worth it.

And so, the feeling at hand is that of the world opening up, but it being a cooperative opening, not the pinata feel I have had when things have gotten good in my life. This is like walking on a path so much that, one day, you see you have made grooves, and where once there was wilderness is now a very clearly defined road.

I know I am not the only one, and hence, the writing, but I know that I am feeling some of this because the grids themselves have changed. There has been a loosening or a shifting, and things are just easier now, it’s easier to think clearly, and somehow, now when I anticipate the outcome of this or that little drama, I feel less ambivalence, knowing how things feel like they’ll play out. That’s a big part to being psychic, I think, if it still can be called that.

But this is different than simple projection of consciousness onto a probability field. This is something different. It is knowing that I am having a hand in whatever is happening, and loving myself enough to love what is in front of me, accept it and learn from it, and do my best to speak clearly, speak from my heart, modulate myself, help others, but still feel intact.

And this opening I sense I think you might also be sensing, because this too is a cooperative thing. We have done this together, and, sure, it might be when we are asleep, and we may be consciously aware of just a little sliver of all of it, but liking this sliver, accepting it and loving it and finding it precious, this has been a big leap, and one we are making cooperatively.

I have heard it said that these years are about support. I have had visions of my books on the bookshelf of my next mom, and I have not one doubt that living in peace and tolerance and celebration of differences, and being surrounded by people who do not engage in shame or tempers or insecure behavior is what is to happen to us as a people, still, when the wolves are howling and things look bleak, it is hard to think that positive thinking is anything but a narcissistic reaction to an appropriate situation in which to hate oneself. I know what we have all done, and I can just now begin to feel that we have broken the back of the monster that used to keep us up all night, afraid to sleep, afraid to pee, afraid to ask for help.

I’ll tell you, to close this little love letter, one thought which I find myself having whether I go looking for it or not, and am always glad to find it has been trotting along with me this whole time. It is that things just never have to get that bad again. Ever.

So, in the spirit of this thought, with good news keeping me awake today, while I should have been napping in preparation for work, I will l tell you more of my new vows.

I made vows a while back, wrote a nice essay about them. But I began to realize today that the vows I took, that I held sacred through so many lifetimes, they were not just vows. I think of my new ones, and I always say, “I am” in front of them, but I had not done with that with the old vows. I tried it on for size, and saw the spines of these four vows snap like twigs.

I had taken the vow of poverty, many times, deeply and with great pride, I might add. But I didn’t realise until this afternoon that I had sort of taken to embodying this, and all, my old vows.

I understood how cellular a sacred vow is, an agreement I made with my soul, one which I took all care in preserving, knowing what was at stake. I am now released from this, my sacred vow of poverty.

I am no longer poor. Instead, I am the Fat Farmer. I have created fields upon fields of abundance, co-created, knowing I am integral in their harvest, and I take the best of it all, and I give freely to all others who want or need nourishment. But I feed myself first. I am a fat farmer.

And this vow of knowing, really really knowing darkness, I also revoke this vow. The vow every poet makes to his muse, the vow every nurse, doctor, clergy person or confessor takes, that of knowing the dark so thoroughly that you can write songs about it that break people’s hearts, I relinquish this. Instead, I am The Love Puzzler.

I will see darkness, and I know darkness, can feel it and can see it, but it is becoming so plain to me as to look comical, a lot of the time, and it no longer is my best friend. I think that I had to bed it and wed it to really get to the place in my soul where I could come to see that it is not mine, it’s not personal, and it is just a function of the reality set up.

There is a breaking through the darkness, and what is waiting for us is love. How rape, abortion, abandonment, betrayal, lying, all these things are part of a puzzle of love, and if you look hard enough, softly enough, benevolently enough, each and every horrific thing that can occur is just loaded with love.

A bursting through has happened for me, and this darkness is just not something I own anymore. It is a traveler, it is something to be aware of, but owning it as mine, wearing it like skin, I just don’t need to, or want to, do that anymore. I am a love puzzler.

And so, this brings me to the third vow, the one I took time and time and time again, that of chastity, of separation and aloneness and feeling like an alien. The agreement I had with my soul that I could just stay apart, that’s how everyone wants it, and it’s how it has to be…

The vow of chastity, that I am chaste, is long gone. I have ample proof that I have lived neither a chaste nor a temperate life, but still, the core of me, when the work had to get done, insisted on feeling all alone. And so, I take instead the vow of the Supreme Hedonist, and I think this is the one I want to focus on tonight, because it feels so damn good.

To not feel worry, to not fear, to be glad, and to have absolutely nothing to pin the gladness on, but there it is, spinning in the middle of the room, broadcasting good cheer, for no reason at all.

I am The Supreme Hedonist, and I may light incense, put on a long youtube of “Om” chanting, take a bath and unwind, so might I pour a finger of whiskey, and ease into that tub with a smoke in my mouth and KBCO playing as loud as my phone can. There are so many ways, as a supreme hedonist, I might spend those hours, but “what” moves into irrelevance as “how” gains prominence, tonight, all days, always..

The part of me who felt a need to elevate things by remembering how dark it is here, oh, those vows are old, and they no longer pertain. Physics itself has realigned to make hedonism a viable lifestyle. And so, I am the supreme hedonist.

And so, to close, I give you my fourth vow.

I thought for a long time that the rules others had for me, their expectations and the way they did things, that they were right and there could be no arguing with such a pushy force. I took the vow of powerlessness, the vow of obedience to others. And I obeyed myself, but really this only happened the last couple of years so blazingly, but this vow of obedience to others, this is what I am breaking to bits now.

I am The Queen, Sovereign. I am sovereign in my reality, no one else. What has to be given up to achieve it? To achieve abundance, I lay down the vow of poverty. To achieve inner balance, I lay down the vow of dark poet, and to achieve pleasure, I had to lay down the vow of chastity. But this one, sovereign, what must I lay down to achieve the embodiment of it?

I think it is blind obedience I must lay down, and questioning everything, including my own thinking, which led me to these particularly warm and fragrant waters. And this is no small thing, relinquishing anything that looked like sense, and going my own way, letting that which is within me, bigger than me, loving me, to lead me home.

When I worked with The Teachers, although we focused a lot of our time on ascension, I never really could bring into my understanding that I was in training for this lifetime. I held it at bay, thinking that it would be in the next lifetime, or some other lifetime, when things were sweeter and people were easier to work with. But no, I was wrong about that.

Ascension is now. It is now. And it can be called all manner of things, I just don’t care about the verbiage, it’s what is being described which is key.

I have heard it said that big souls cannot come into the body all at once, and as a person ages, then, more and more of the soul can come to inhabit the physical form. If a soul were to inhabit a body all at once, it would pop, blink out of existence. And so, when all is said and done, I think of ascension like that.

There is much we cannot yet see, hear, smell, taste, but all of us, or most of us, can feel it, and many can admit to feeling it. There is something else that is guiding all of it. Ascension, for me, is embodying so much of my soul, being able to hold so much of it physically, that even simple physics bends to my consciousness.

Peace, bliss, nirvana, DNA activation, there are lots of names for it. But it is becoming a friend to one’s soul, and letting the amnesia, and the blind spots just be, smiling at the dark and whistling, knowing that when the lights come on, I’ll see that the only thing that ever was there was the dark, no monster, no punishment, no cruel twists of fate. Just the dark.

The lights are on now, and I know I am not the only one feeling this. I know, have evidence to support the knowing, that things never have to get as bad as they were, and that things are steadily, now, in a state of improving.

We are doing this together, all of us, and we, I think, deserve each others’ love and respect. Sure there are levels of growth and maturity, sure, but all of it fades when we, individually and with much thanksgiving, begin to realize it really does begin and end in our own skins, in our own minds, and our thoughts are a vast engine in all of this.

Thinking clearly, seeing things as I now do, has made me feel all better, and I really do hope that you, too, are feeling better, now.

Collective Soul Live at Java Rockin’land 2013

My soundtrack today, and the band who has been singing in my ear about ascension since way back when… I love you guys! ❤


Published on Jul 4, 2013

Collective Soul live at Java Rockin’land 2013 Saturday, June 22nd, Carnaval Beach Ancol Jakarta – Indonesia
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Set list :
01. Tremble For My Beloved
02. Heavy
03. Listen
04. December
05. Gel
06. She Said
07. Why Pt. 2
08. Where the River Flows
09. Compliment
10. Needs
11. Hollywood
12. Better Now
13. Run
14. Precious Declaration
15. The World I Know
16. Counting the Days 17. Shine