I am already altered, even before putting any of these beautiful thoughts to paper. It has become more and more clear to me, now, what comes next and how things go from now on, and I wanted to come to you from this place, where the veils are blowing, far below me, like transparent rayon gashes of color against perfect white-blue clouds, perched here, on a particularly high promontory, comfortable in my clothes, eyes closed, tranquil and aware, touching every molecule on this planet, able to zoom in and out of any situation or incarnation at will, all is available, sitting here, in this moment.
It’s been my practice, since 2012, to come to you, especially in writing, when it’s something that will shift things, but it must be built in a way that is foundational, solid, requiring no further effort, an epistle, perhaps, sent from a quiet place. Mine has been a life of oppositions, of reconciliations, of upgrades, of transformations. No one has been with me through every moment but myself, my observer, and my sustainer. It is a curious thing, how this life thing works…
I write because there is a notion which keeps coming to me, an insertion, I call it. It’s a thought or image that reappears, and is incongruous to what I was thinking, or what’s going on in the moment, so it is therefore surprising, to some degree. Those are the things which catch my attention, and that I have learned to examine rather than ignore or toss aside.
This one has been about a realization I had long ago, when all of this started for me, in 2012. The internet was buzzing about talk of NESARA, of a living wage for all, of instant abundance which would be dazzling in its amount. It was connected to St. Germaine’s trust, and there was enough sparkliness around it that many in our tribe began to talk about this new reality, one in this now, here, where wish fulfillment, complete authenticity and utter commitment to your purest expression would be achieved. I mean, it was heady, it was healing, and I dare say, if we all, each of us as a group, spent a half hour just strolling through this reality, in meditation, synced up, we probably could shift things for the better, easily.
But at the time, it was a contagion which I felt had good effect for we light workers, we light warriors. We were finally banding together, and lifting each others’ spirits up, imagining in real terms the kind of freedom we were beginning to feel stirring in our souls, and in our lives. But soon it got tangled up in alien stuff, and that’s where we displace our shit, onto the galactics, who, according to some, are fighting quite the war.
As an aside, I will now make it abundantly clear that I have my own understandings of how this duality has played out on a galactic scale, and to pooh-pooh the idea of a war is, in my estimation, incorrect. However, I prefer to think about it as creator creating. A part of creator wanted to go a different way, and that was ok, but now that part of the conversation is over, and something new is about to be thought up. That’s the short version of my ontology, my cosmology. Sure, it can be seen in all kinds of fractals, the light and dark do battle all the time, in all sorts of ways, because it’s fun, and heart-pounding, and educational, but, things are concluding, shifting, changing. Can’t you feel it?
The way it was portrayed in 2012 was essentially a kind of real-time, modern day human utopia, handed to us due to intrigue resolved up high, in the ancient families that control global wealth.
I got to thinking though, how different is that than the idea that aliens are going to land on the White House lawn with trunks of gold, all the technology we couldn’t even think of, and world peace?
It was fantasy, I realized.
I liked that we had this metaphor to gain strength and purpose from. There’s something Kryon says that I think of a lot, these days. They said that one of the reasons they were with us, and that the message didn’t change, in its bones and blood, was that it was theirs to tell us we are winning. To help convince us, through repetition and experience. They said, it’s hard to convince someone who has always lost, every single time, that they are winning. And, we are winning.
What does that mean?
It means that the things that are gnawing at people these days are things of the heart, having to do with self acceptance and with self reflection. I meet many who are plagued with thoughts which have them crippled, just like I was. Energetic warfare, is one way of looking at it. I will be doing work, either on video or on paper about how to self heal from negative entity attachments. They are real, in this 3d world of ours, and knowledge of their removal, and then doing it, helps the planet, and heals the one doing the work. I k now that even this is metaphor, but it is a way to get people to work with light, and to begin to realize their innate power. Not “over” the dark. No. This is the power of intent.
Some of what I want to say is going to hearten some, and offend some, and disquiet many, but that’s the nature of this kind of stuff, and I’m ok with that, as I have always been. I like stretching boundaries, on paper best. I can feel them giving, and it’s a joy when I complete the task. I’m just taking a moment out to goggle at how good it feels to do this again. Can I just give you a bit of unsolicited advice, if you don’t mind? Allow yourself to do something that feels good, that makes you feel whole and complete and serene and glad to be on this earth, but that you don’t currently allow yourself to do. Is it because there’s “no time?” Or because you’ve been made fun of and would be isolated, if you pursued it, or, best, somebody else would be pissed as hell at you if you did. Just that one person, but, nuclear anger.
There’s a reason you aren’t already doing it, in other words.
And maybe you start small, little defiances, little deviances, and work your way up to finally picking up that paintbrush or writing that letter or plucking the guitar or doing that open mic, but even these are metaphors, for having broken through, for letting your young one out to breathe, for reaping the benefits of finally having made it safe to explore.
When I got a hit of the opium of the day, the idea that St. Germaine was going to bless the blessed among us so we could do The Work, I saw it all in practical terms, as in, how will this actually translate? This revelation kind of energy, of reaping reward for the glory of god on earth kind of stuff, it helped, because it magnified for me how I live, and how I know physicality works. But I had plenty of hardships in my career, so I, like all of us, were all standing around in rags, gazing up at this huge glowing golden chalice, so hungry for a physical reward.
The thing is, it just doesn’t work that way around here.
And so, I got on the internet and said so, and it was interesting, the responses I got, at the time. I was live blogging on a spiritual site called lightworkers.org, and the feedback I got was helpful, because most of it was in agreement with my assessment.
I said that I really didn’t think it was going to go down like that. Any kind of alien intervention, or deus ex machina, at this point, is to be suspect, because anyone coming around saying they can solve our problems for us, isn’t doing us a favor. It’s an insult, really. We aren’t smart enough to get ourselves out of the corner we’ve painted ourselves into? I think not.
This is a free will planet. If anyone says they know better than you, and that therefore you must do as they say, they are not your ally. They are asking for your power. If you will notice, someone or something coming from beyond to fix everything is not a new human thought. It is a foundation of many religions, and is part of the consumerism mindset. Helpful rescuers, that’s a collective projection, a fantasy. It’s not how it works.
In my piece from 7 years ago, I said that I thought, instead, what would happen is there would be a portion of the population that would sort of blink out of existence. They’d not be on-line, but instead they would be going to an advanced school, cramming, getting used to new powers and abilities. And then they’d just integrate back into their lives, and go on doing what they do, though differently than before, a turbo-charged human, an ascended one.
And so, I thought about what that would look like, and I imagined a skinny man in a sports car, getting onto the southbound highway ramp off Hampden. And as he brakes on the ramp, the coffee spills. In my meditation, I was anxious right then, wondering how he would respond, and I remember feeling delight and surprise when I saw him laugh out loud. I felt relief, watching him in my meditation.
I realized that the whole gig is about blending in, and helping out, and not sweating it.
The seeking and shrieking and weeping that went along with the work, the release work, the shadow work, has put me in a good position to help others cut to the chase, and get to the core. I’m fascinated to find that the synchronicity that used to just glitter bomb me now and then,about a year ago turned into a web that I came to feel, and then rely on. And now, it extends to the people in my life, the issues that confront them, and I realize that this is the point, this is the life, this was the mission. To just hold knowledge that others chose not to study (no judgment, this was a lifetime’s pursuit, and not optional, for me) and act decent toward others. To find no reason to hate them, ever.
If ever I find myself running that junk, which is rare, now, I know I am not quite right, and need to adjust. There is never a reason to hate anyone, ever. That’s me having a glitch, if I feel that, if I am thinking that. This I know as a truth, one of those “doy” ones, one that becomes crystal clear the higher up you go, the higher the perspective, the more divine the eye.
Want to know the punchline?
I haven’t indulged my twisty side with murder books since 2012. I put them down, mostly because I enjoyed them too much. I’d read them all my adult life, and by then, it was getting formulaic. A part of me knew that when that level of psychopathology feels boring, it’s time to ease up. So I did. No true crime documentaries, books, or shows. But then, at Christmas time this year, I was given The Devil In White City, the best murder book I’ve ever read, and this opened up the sluices for me.
I’ve allowed myself the indulgence of deep dives into super dark podcasts, and the alternate and weird, but I finally found my heroin last week, Sword & Scale.
Last night I was listening to Sword & Scale, and there was a killer talking, spitting out words of hate. I could feel his furious, controlled, righteous, complete hatred, and I felt it in a way that is familiar, and not at all frightening, and that, I know, should be frightening. I knew how that guy felt. In isolation, I had said the same words. I’d spoken them with as much hatred, as much venom and vitriol and acid. I’ve privately cast words like bullets out of my body, the kind that explode on impact and completely fuck you up.
Oh yeah. I know that feeling.
And this guy had butchered so many, and was such a sick twist. I shrug and chuckle now. It’s just part of the territory. I chose the light. I chose to listen to my god. Somehow I was gifted with an ability to feel that, to know that purity and grace, like a river going through my life, and I can call it on at will. Sometimes it interrupted things and made me go certain ways, and it kept me far from things that would have fed that evil creature living in my belly, the one that knows how to harm, and how to justify it. Being able to hang out in love, in a divine bliss, and to do good things by others, that’s something I have always had, but haven’t understood how to use, until recently. I have the capacity to do great good, and I could, instead, have chosen to do great evil.
I did my share of creepy things, and I was always mixed up, the closer in things got, but my vision is clearer now, and the only intention I have at this point is to learn how to use the energy that flows so abundantly now, in brand new ways, that benefit the most people. That I can go dark, that it doesn’t scare me, that I can gain comfort and strength even there? Well, I think that means that I see it for what it is, an expression, an absence of illumination, inverse reality, duality.
I know how to, but I don’t, play rough. Not anymore. (And, I guess it makes sense to just come right out and say it, I have never killed anybody, and I’m both relieved and embarrassed to say I have never been in a brawl. The worst it ever got for me was “Indian burns” and non-consensual tickling, when it came to physical stuff. I am a total wimp. I know this is from an agreement I made before birth. Any rough stuff, and my heart wold break too much, I’d be out. Lay off the bod. And that’s what happened, more or less. The aggression and conflict didn’t get translated through physical violence.)
The service to self/service to others path is fading, and service now, more and more, is to the plan. To what’s happening in people’s hearts and minds, because for many, what needs to be dealt with is finally up, or perhaps, for you, it’s the healing phase, once you realize the dragon is tamed, you made it through, and everything is forever different, now.
Service to a higher path is what many of us are being called to explore, now, and with this comes certainty that is unavailable when thinking about things in terms of making your name within a community, or branding yourself as the go-to thing.
I heard The Peace Dealer yesterday, and he once again blew my shit away. He did a reading for this tribe, and said, many of us feel like we have missed the boat. We have done all the work, we have been at it a while, but we just never caught the boat. He had had a vision, that of a boat leaving, sailing away from port. And people are mulling around, feeling like failures, like rejects, really. And then, in his vision, a spaceship comes out of the sky and a reunion ensues. And then, in his vision, when the boat docks to where it was destined, they all get off the boat, and there we are, saying, what took you so long?
I liked that.
When you’re needed, when it’s time, you won’t be able to believe your demand, and a whole new set of skills will populate, and assist in The Plan. In serving something that’s bigger than you, but that you know you consciously represent and are responsible for, life becomes light, purposeful but light. It’s not just situations that begin to sparkle, but those who show up. Some need to feel insecure and threatened. That’s a wake up call, and it’s an atypical response to a simple stranger, so if someone feels that way around you, realize they had a date with you they couldn’t fulfill because they found themselves not ready yet. Some a drawn and want to suckle, not knowing their own strength. Some just want to get you up so they can frolic with you, to remind you you’ve got some good moves, when the rhythm is right.
There is a lot I’m learning about my abilities, or how to hold my consciousness, that I don’t feel comfortable sharing openly. As my training has progressed, this has become more and more a theme. It makes me think about doing the Patreon thing, but I haven’t monetized any of this Deeply Awake stuff, and until I offer more than just my thoughts and impressions, I feel weird about charging.
That being said, the notion which keeps coming through, it was about this butterfly admonition they’d given me one day a few months ago. I was driving to work, and I got this image of an electric blue butterfly coming out of its cocoon. And they fairly blared at me: Look you, it comes out fully formed.
That’s been the insertive thought lately, not the butterfly, not the color, just the thought of coming out into daily life this new, fully formed creature. Most of it is in giving myself permission to be comfortable in my skin at any given time. Aware that I am capable of violently hateful thoughts, and sublimely, palpably healing thoughts, that I am capable of destruction and creation, I orient myself happily in being willing only to honor what I know heals me and helps me and makes me breathe deeply, anymore.
Lately I have seen the image, just a flash of it, of someone sitting at the side of the bed, head in their hands, weeping. I Know that place well, and found that much of my release and shadow work came through me in cathartic crescendos to the lessons I was being taught.
I realize this has rambled, and I hope that there will be at least a few who have figured out the best thing to do when I start writing is to consider yourself on a lazy river ride, and your head is pointing toward where the current is pulling you, so it takes a minute to give up resistance, but once you relax, it’s a great ride, perfectly safe, scenic, relaxing, and not as turbulent as you’d have expected.
And, you feel better afterwards.
These cathartic moments are not as strong for me anymore, and the light shows have died down, too. I am instead aware that daily life is charmed in ways it never was before, and now I turn to it in absolute fascination, because it’s as shiny and alluring and magically fucken fun to me as the spiritual realm has always been.
In 2012, I made a deal with my team, my creator, my source. I told them I would stay here and do this thing if they would never leave me again. I told them I would NOT do this alone anymore. I tested them, and they proved to me they are with me now, always, and yet, through these years, I have forgotten that, and I have not known how to access it.
In 2016, I had a further set of activations, and I had a similar demand. I told them I would do what they wanted me to do, if they would get rid of this edge in me, this anger, that always would bubble up and poison things, my unwanted guest. I wanted it gone, and it was a black-and-white kind of thing, I want it gone, and that’s the deal. They agreed. And really, it’s been a cavalcade of final healings and completions since then, to get me here, where I don’t carry that energy quite the way I used to.
What I wind up doing with all of it, I don’t know. There are a couple things I already feel behind for, so I need to get on them, and I know that the rest will fall into place, just like it always does, more so now than ever.
I’m writing to the ones who have been through high strangeness, through the shit, through the weird, and who have maybe had experiences, open-eyed and sober that you don’t feel you’ll ever tell another soul, because they’d… well, it just won’t be shared, at least not today, with these people…
I have begun to get used to things, and much of it has to do with how I feel most comfortable with others. That’s something that listening to serial killers brings out. So many of them were socially so awkward it hurt, and many felt this acutely. It just reiterated to me that connection, positive intention, and high regard are healing, and they calm things down, and they help everyone think more clearly. For a long time, I wasn’t able to generate that on my own, consistently, and required it from others. When the supply got interrupted, I got scared. It may be culturally sanctioned to use each other that way, but I found that, in the end, it’s not healthy, and it made me very destructive.
For a long time, I didn’t feel entirely comfortable with myself, and, like I’ll be outlining on video later, I was under attack, of sorts. The bottom line is, since doing the clearing, and riding the celestial triggers, I can move in ways I couldn’t, before, and am free of things I knew were blocking me, but was unable to break, no matter what I tried.
I see myself in that figure sitting at the side of the bed, crying. I did a lot of time like that. I am glad I did. At times, especially earlier on, I felt as if, and knew that I was, grieving for the whole world. They were deeply altered states, those clearing times. But as the years ground on, I found that, as the healing got closer and closer to home, the grief was for my innocence, for those I had wronged, for those who wronged me.
Forgiveness opened the door to grace, and often, tears were involved, sometimes only after the release.
I see the image now, out of the corner of my eye, yet I am no longer in my slippers, back slumped, hair hanging around my face, snot and tears cupped in my hand. It’s an image of someone else, of an old me, I see, from time to time, now.
Now, when I leave my house, when I am driving, when I am at work, when I am socializing, when I am worshiping, when I am playing, when I am sitting at the edge of my bed, I am ware of my inner life, now. I don’t forget that I have done the stuff I’ve done, know and have seen what I know and have seen. I don’t abandon myself anymore, and it’s a great secret indulgence of mine that, no matter the starkness of the table set for me, I walk around enjoying my own movable feast. I am able to see that others each have their own explanations for everything. I find we are here together today, on this day when their own journey and mine intersect. I’m grateful when pleasant things repeat.
As I position my consciousness in a way that I find balancing and balanced, I realize humor is needed, lightheartedness, and this dispels anxiety, better than anything else I’ve tried, other than listing gratitudes.
I have rambled enough. I come into the world each day from my home, fully formed,now, no longer in process, no longer in lesson. I am entangled, of course, and gladly so, but this is something that I accept as a current condition, but not a commentary on future conditions. I have finally figured out that The Point Of Power Is In The Present mantra from Seth has encoded within it much, and is a giant key to manifestation. I’m learning now about reality manifestation, and it is this that I don’t care to reveal much more about, just that the downloads I am receiving about this stuff are usable, practical, hilarious and fun.
I hope this letter finds you well, happy, and a little giddy with delight, just now and then, and for no apparent reason.