A beautiful, comprehensive and helpful discussion on ascension, current energetics, and spiritual evolution.
Denial Is A Dissociative Device
Through my studies and personal experience, I have been led into the areas of mental health, mental illness, the meaning, cause and consequence of cruelty and neglect, as well as theories on energetic management, and thoughts, always, about what might be driving this thing.
Through the years and experience, I knew that there had to be an answer to the problems I was required to face, and a higher purpose to the pain, but until recently, I did not know what it could possibly be.
I have realized that there is a requirement inherent in the collective reality (dissociation) which, if undetected, can cause grave harm, and lead to a zombie-fied life. An inauthentic, troubled, angry life.
Sit back and plug in and think on these things that I bring to you today, me here with no malice in my heart, no anger left to toss at anyone, no suffering left to take on. My burdens are put down now. I don’t have to take them up again.
Through this process, I have seen the stupendous, unbelievable, personalized and sainted magnitude and beauty of the troubles I was in, as well as the larger purpose for the koans. It’s a stunning, panoramic view, and it’s from here I speak.
I am pleased with my current awarenesses, knowing there is more to come, but from here on out, it’ll be less spicy, and it’ll be easier, since I see and operate more willingly from an energetic level now.
I can hold all harmless now, as my attachment to outcome is finally weakened, my need to calm others appropriately holstered, and my need to be in the dark ever dissolving.
DEEPLY AWAKE – An Empath, A Narcissist and Jesus Walk Into A Bar By Kathy Vik 9-8-18
I have had a prolonged silence, an interruption in expression, but this has been in place five months, now. I was given a simple explanation for the task at hand, but now that I have lived it out, I am stunned, once again, with the symbolic and benevolent nature of these otherworldly announcements, these personal, gentle and honest soul communications.
Without the warning, I wouldn’t have gotten all I needed out of the situation. Without the warning, I would have felt under siege, confused and abandoned. Although I am a lifelong skeptic, it just so happens that these messages I get are always reliable. Every time. I have never been lied to, messed with or tricked by my team. Ever.
Anyhow, this last period has been splendid, and more of a completion than I could have imagined. It’s not what I expected, but it’s everything I wanted. I recall visions I have had about this new time, when the sand clears from my vision as our gigantic sandstorm dies down, or as we move from a thick fog, or as our vision inexplicably goes from dim and distant to stunning and awe-worthy.
In a way, it is like that. I realize so clearly some core truths that I will refer to often, now that I finally see things for what they are.
A few years ago, Jesus came to me in a vision, to explain to me the main energetic problem of the times. I want to review it, and amplify it as I tell it from what I have been given this morning. It was much like the state I described above, where everything, literally everything is better, more solid and beautiful somehow, and yet it’s unexpected, un-envisioned, un-vision-boarded, and most decisively precisely opposite in many regards, that which was hoped for. And yet, it’s perfect, better suited to me than even I could have designed, because this structure is free of the blind spots my old structure took into account. This new one doesn’t have to. I am no longer blinded.
I had a meditation where I found myself a woman, in flowing coarse cloth, walking in between two other women similarly attired, each of us carrying surprisingly light, long clay pots. We were walking to the well to fetch water.
Up ahead, I saw him, and everything stopped for me. There, ahead of me, was Jesus. I knew this well before I was close. He glowed, somehow, a radiance coming from him that was intoxicating, and made my heart stop with longing and need.
I felt the curious sensations, the exquisite pain, as I imagined him living his daily life, needing this or that object, a piece of advice, a kind word, a show of support and adoration and acceptance. I realized, as this horribly, floridly vivid shearing pain seared my body and all my awareness, my face is not the face he will see each night, and my face is not what will greet him when he wakes, disturbed, rested, elated. I am not wanted. I am not this to him.
I felt such pain then… like nothing I had yet known. It was beyond hate, and it was beyond any love I had known, and all it could do, all I could do, was let it, consume me.
In a state of panic, feeling no possible release from this hatred for an unknown sister, and my shock and this overwhelming need and, yes, “love,” I cried out for help. In meditation I was stumbling around a black room suddenly, on fire with incurable, unfathomable pain.
Jesus appeared, to my left, just cool as you please, and said, “I can help you.”
He simply said, “Look at what is happening. It is the agreement of the age, and it causes a lot of problems.”
I looked onto that scene again, but instead of a desert scene, there were two human beings, two human forms. The one in complete adoration and terror was bending at her waist, and her crackling white column of considerable light was blasting Jesus.
Then he said, “Stand up.”
I saw the figure who had been bent over stand up, and as she did, her column was running straight up and down, smooth and white and happy, no longer bent, no longer so overpowering, no longer crackling.
He explained that this is the problem of the age, this running energy through others, rather than running straight up and down, as sovereign columns of light.
I saw the scene change then, and where once were these two, locked in a terrible struggle, there were many people, and they all were columns of light, all of them running straight up and down.
I turned to Jesus and said, I feel lonely. I don’t see how anyone is connected to anyone else, and although I like the idea, I don’t like the isolation. I feel so alone.
He smiled and he said, “Watch.”
His arm made a sweep of the place, and as he did, the place was filled with music, creativity, genuine affection, camaraderie, community, and the sharing was happening in colors, emitted from the white columns, streams of shining, crystal clear colors. It was no longer just verbal communication. What was happening was so complete, it felt so validating, there was no shame in the room, no false emotions whatsoever, and such inner peace.
I really thought I had unpacked this vision completely, having both written and recorded about it, and yet, just lately, I am understanding some fundamental truths which bear exposure and sharing. They are good thoughts, pure and true, and they are words of divine love, not the human distortion we have labeled love.
I’ll preface by telling you about an improbable thing that happened to me on the last eclipse of this triad, on August 11, 2018. It had been a scrambler, and so I spent it sitting in a forest, feeling quite undone, and strangely aware I was being put together somehow, just out of sight.
They were strong that day, with many signs and miracles, many creature visitors with messages, and at the end of a day of leisure, I headed for my car, parked a short distance away, at the base of a mountain.
I was told, toward the end of my walk, that at the bend, way down there, I would be stopping. I appreciated the abundant shade, and how close I would be, by then, to cold water and a comfortable seat. But there I was, at the end of that trudge, just coming into the shade, when a huge, and I do mean huge, bird flew past me, on my right, and winged into the tree immediately opposite me. A hedge of willow-like foliage 6 feet high separated us, but oddly, this humongous blue white bird creature was halfway up an old, massive spruce tree, in my center of vision.
Here’s a photo of my winged visitor…
At the time, I was only given words. Ibis. Phoenix. Traveler. Time traveler. Slipping through portals, like a ghost. Slipping through. Not of, not from. Apart and a part of every now.
It took me a while to garner all the gifts, but with a witness, and with contemplation and vision work, I understood, finally just who, or what that was. It is not native, and it is self-sufficient. It looked like a prehistoric bird, and its beak clacked a lot, as it opened and closed its ginormous snout-like beak. I did research, which confirmed the Egyptian roots to this visitor, which of course was the best way to finally, safely, happily relate to that energy within me.
But the punch line was, it visited to remind, to return to me, my beloved Cygnus, Deneb, the Ancient One, my home. My family had been visiting me, and it took a long time to finally get that. Once I did, I can assure you the love was thick and the celebration hearty, my gratitude once again a fountain, a gusher, of joy.
In nursing school I formulated the understanding that mental illness was mainly the disease of relationship, with self, with other, with “reality,” with Source, and almost incidentally, within social matrices. The life is impacted in certain ways when the bones or lungs or prostate are diseased, and the life is similarly impacted when the disease is relational.
I knew coherence, I could identify resonance with creator, with something so unimaginably pure and whole and good, since girlhood. This is one relationship which is immune to disease.
My work with Biological Decoding led me to realize it is the structure, the mainframe, which is diseased, because this physical reality construct is coded for conflict, pain, suffering, and silent despair. It are these events which trigger stop-the-world illnesses, accidents, injuries, and which have a hand in tooling chronic disease. All based in unconscious programming which is itself a song of discord, profound misunderstandings, separation and isolation.
Pretty much. I took a look a that, at the end of my Level One Biological Decoding training, and I realized, no one escapes this shit, some have their heads screwed on straighter than others, but every single one of us is effected by each other, by the conflicts we create and cure in each other, to our fundamental misinterpretations of self, of other, and of our creator. All of this is important to what was to come.
Awareness, consciousness, the willingness and ability to observe, these break the bonds of this thick, repetitive, tarry, wholly unconscious system. Conflicts disappear when seen from the level of their authors.
But being willing and able to see things from many points of view, this is a mark of an empath, a situational ethicist, and someone who can cut anyone slack. And this is a problem, when not mindful of how one’s own energy is running.
It has been said that this reality is one of service-to-self and service-to-others entities, or camps. And this seems far too often to be the case, since I think this is, in the end, the verbal shorthand for that vision I had, where I was bending and running all my awareness through someone else, for that moment utterly unaware of myself, and any greater reality. I existed, for those painful moments, only in relation to the OBJECT of my adoration, devotion and spectacular violence.
A service to others person will bend low and stay there, getting off on serving, getting off on sacrifice. And the one receiving this blast of energy? Oh, honey, that just makes a person lazy, dazed, dependent and weak.
Who, in this scenario, is the parasite, the “energetic vampire?”
This can only be answered, of course, within the context of the bending. Throughout my lifetime, I’ve had those around me who would only have me if I bent low and served. Jesus had me witnessing an inert Target for the blasting. However, many have become dependent on the power gradient requiring light dispensed. And many are specialists in making others bend very low indeed.
All that said, I’m describing my experience after a lifetime of having been tricked into the energetics of this kind of relationship, and I’ve been coerced, manipulated and threatened into bending low all my life, serving those who don’t deserve a second thought, simply because they manipulate.
As such, I can only report the experience of this unhealthiness from the point of view as the service-to-others role. The service-to-self stance was not my role this lifetime . It was my cross.
Even so, I would have to say it is the service to others person, the low-bender. And so, I stand and look at what Jesus gave me, this tableau so rich and meaningful and pregnant with meaning, and I laughed out loud, a couple days ago, awed at his depth and his respect, his trust and his certainty that I’ll get it, if I just keep at it.
I have heard it said that a narcissist’s core issue is with envy, described for clinical purposes as a primitive hatred, and that the empath’s core issue is that of pride, and their need to instill covert contracts involving “love.”
And yet, I as the lover, the adorer, the worshiper of Jesus, it was only in realizing I would never be a chosen one, that I was in no way special to him, that I turned to that envy, and the pain began. I rejoiced in how free and full my love was, until I realized I could not possess, I did not perhaps even want to be touched, I could not have access. It never dawned on me to consider whether I’d sought his consent, of course. And with that imagined abandonment, the hatred ate at me like acid.
Am I describing love? Narcissism? Devotion? Mental Illness?
Or is it instead a lesson, from someone who demonstrates mastery, about energetic management, ease of function, and inner peace?
What I do know is I am glad I have teachers who think higher than I can, and are willing to send me birds, and pictures, and messages which soothe as they instruct, because they bring things together, they bring with it the relief only mercy can, and they are so personalized that to deny them, at this point, would be a a torture from which I could not recover.
I know myself to be that ibis, that crane, that phoenix, that portal slipper, that traveler.
I know myself to be a friend of Jesus, who helps me when my thinking gets jammed up, or when I am about to hit a rough patch, or need a guardrail in my thinking.
I think what Jesus meant, when he told me that this bent up stuff was the problem of the age, what we are getting over, I think what he meant was something I couldn’t access until recently. I felt recognition when I first saw him on the dirt path. And that first spark of recognition ignited into a torrent of unbridled identification and selfish sacrifice that ran right into him, and this may very well have been my energy, my spark, my intention. I realize now that what was completely discarded was me.
As I bent and sucked and blasted, I did not exist. All that did exist was him. In that primitive place of bonding, well, it is a holy temple, after all. There is nothing like staring into an cherished infant or lover’s eyes and feeling the whirl of two galaxies merging. And yet, in that swirl of recognition, of relief, of HOME, if there is an abdication, a forgetting, then a fracturing occurs.
Maybe what he was trying to say is that we have forgotten or selves. The command was to stand up, and in so doing, the loneliness and isolation I felt was like pin pricks, it took my breath away, and I felt ice where I had been on fire.
He had to show me just how connected I actually am with every “living” thing. In standing up straight, I was able to feel ALL of it, not just one cherished person’s reality. I realized I wasn’t having my experience THROUGH another, I was having MY OWN experience.
The trouble of the age, huh?
All that smack about finding your one true love, all that talk about the brass ring, making it, succeeding, being number one?
I know how competitive, how nearly homicidally enraged I was at not being Jesus’ eye candy, hand holder, platitude spewer. In that state, I wasn’t good for much. All I wanted to do was brush his hair and tell him everything was gonna be ok, and I wanted him to make the world go away and braid my hair.
Not healthy. But very understandable.
Just think of the way we think of relationships, crushes, marriage, commitment, and how these concepts translate so very poorly at present, the trampling and abdication of free will being the hot potato of all conflict, and I think it’s safe to say that this culture doesn’t have state of the art judgment when it comes to relating to each other.
I am realizing more and more that standing up means letting every single person have their own interpretation, their own reality. Living my belief that everyone has a team, that no one is disconnected, but that everyone feels they are, these concepts shoot competition, comparing, envy and pride dead.
This core concept of free will is no small thing.
And so I think I will end this with this free will concept. We hear that the ET’s have a rule of non-interference, because they abide by free will. And yet, I am living proof that it’s not considered cheating to have a relationship with my source of all good, and some of Source’s representatives are indeed ET, as am I, and as are you, most likely. My intention is my will. Those who thwart or do not recognize my free will are engaging in the trouble of the age, as I had, as we all have.
What is required now is not to puzzle the whys anymore. The time of cleverness and coherent explanations are part of my DNA now, a bass note in the riffing I do now. There is a bigger wisdom now, which informs my thoughts, guides my actions and moves my reality, now. It’s one in which I, me, myself, am actually part of the equation. The restoration is in connecting with the only true source of knowledge, wisdom, truth and light for me. I’m only talking about me, here.
I realize that in my wounded places, this inauthentic, plastic, battered self is always present, and I do think that with time it is she who is being healed and welcomed home to rest. This scared one, constantly measuring the impact of every word that is said. In a room of twenty talkative people, you can imagine how much is being processed, now. It is no longer possible to run my energy splayed like that anymore, a harried mother, a constant gardener, seeking out disharmony like they are weeds. Just because I can soothe it, I try, while stumbling and bleeding on the sharp corners of other people’s minds. I gave myself away to the pained, the worried, the angry, the punitive, abandoning and denying myself.
It’s time to re-adjust.
Of course, it is that scary place of loneliness which must be addressed to close, that weird, faintly clinical place I felt once I stood up straight. I felt disconnected, even though I was, at long last, finally actually reconnected with nourishment.
It felt different. It was not intense. It was gentle. It felt complete. It felt quiet. Not sterile, and not scary, really, just very quiet, still, pleasantly so. This was before the colors, before the new kind of connecting. And it is this place, this odd place of pseudo-disconnection which I am popping out of now. I want to explore this new way of communicating more fully, more comprehensively, and more safely than has ever been possible.
So, I am standing up straighter more often, now, and I am more keenly aware of the triggers which create that bond of servitude, of false connection, of panic and forgetting and need. I know that place well. But it is a full on pain event feeling even glimmers of it now, and I intend to keep it that way. There are some experiences which I want to remain awful, so that I can avoid them, just by their fetid odor, knowing it is then I must apply my awareness to something far greater than a bogus, adrenaline fueled interpersonal threat.
Obviously that has always been the point, to not be disabled around behaviors which, for me, act like huge magnets, knocking out my signal, rendering me a gray rock, or a quivering mass of anxiety, or apoplectic with righteous indignation. Whatever the affective state or behavior cluster, I have termed this state being disabled, because I check out, and a false self goes through the motions. I notice that the effect can be massive or weak, but the disablement is real. I’ve actually complained about it, noticed it, for a while now, and until this time, I didn’t understand it is nothing but a trauma response, a coping strategy, a glitch in the wiring. I am aware that some of the healing is on a neuro-biologic level, and this I have given permission for since the beginning. The point, for me, is ascension, which is, for me, DNA activation, waking up, coming to, becoming functional, shaking off the nonsense.
Well, as always, I intended to stop a while back, but the words poured out and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I guess the way I really should end this is in telling you how much peace I am feeling by simply owning who I am, what I have become, how I understand stuff, and how I approach life.
The most disowned and abandoned part of myself, Deeply Awake, has stood by, stalwart and sure of herself, as I have argued and protested and denied this part of me. And at the end of this long road, I have come to see this is the most fundamental of clues that something is off.
That is the original fracture, right there. And as my original sin, my doubt, burns off, as my shame falls away, as my suspicion crumbles, I am feeling, finally, sated and well-loved. By whom? By me, the totality of me, which includes me personality, me the traveler, me the author, and me the inner child. But more. By me the silver goddess, me that shining, gold light I know as God, me as earth, me as creatures around me, as the weather, and circumstance this hour.
The blah-blah, the general warning has always been, well, I know I am going to be dragged into it again, so I’m glad I left a bread crumb like this. But now, it’s really now that way, anymore. I know it is a choice, if I bend low and blast. I know it is a choice if I pick an argument with my God, and by extension, my reality. I know it is envy and pride which keeps me in service, in fear and in distress. I know it is that divine love from Source, innervating all, that brings be and keeps me in balance, in good humor, and in hope. And I know it is in talking, sharing, giving, that I rise, spitting in the eye the monsters I have had a hand in strengthening, because I was bored, and didn’t know any better, until, one day, I did.
A sparkling, easy and deep talk which has, at its heart,, a helpful and inspiring talk regarding the upcoming eclipse energies, and the energetic reality through which we are currently evolving. A full discussion of how I use eclipses begins at 23:45.
A refreshing summing up.
The sense of legitimacy, of validity, I feel these days is such a relief, like a song breathing me, giving me a release from anxieties, worrying having been a regular form of self-flagellation for me, in the old days.
Now, I am r I report on what it’s like to be at peace with knowing myself as bigger, moment to moment, than had ever been thought possible by me, and by many. Yet, here we all are now, waking up, each in their own way, in their own time, each playing their roles, and each having their own experience.
That was a hard one for me, because I saw a lot of people suffering, as a nurse, as a friend, and when I looked in the mirror, most of my life. An anguish that was eased, sometimes for years, but never left me.
Things changed for me, but it became more and more obvious that I had never been unworthy of any of this new spiritual bounty. I have amnesia, and that is all.
Well, it’s a tough nut to crack, but eventually, truths are revealed. This can happen to those who pursue QHHT and other reliable and healing forms of hypnosis which yield results which are soul- deep, not habit-deep. It’s this I am eager to pursue, finally now able to step away from my woes and conflicts and worries, finally seeing things more clearly, more magically, more wholly, but in stepping aside, I can help so many more, one-to-one, and I just can’t wait!
I include mention of a video published by Alba Weinman that I found particularly helpful, and healing. I am so very grateful for those who are doing this work, and of course, to someone very beloved to me, Delores Cannon. She has helped me from the beginning. It isn’t surprising, and it’s very smile-invoking, to know she is actively with us now.
Enjoy this celebration. My story and this session both serve as bridges between linearity and multidimensionality. What we are doing publically, so very many more are doing quietly. We are each changing. Be kind to yourself. You are so vast, and have simply forgotten. It’s just amnesia, and it’s burning off, with every video, with every experience that moves you up and out of fear.
Thanks for being here with me today. Namaste.
Deeply Awake: Meditations On Metamorphosis By Kathy Vik 6-18-18
I am writing to you today with a grin on my face, feeling freer and more on purpose than I am used to, to be honest.
We have construction going on in our building, so video capturing these thoughts isn’t possible, and it is perfection itself. There is a symphony playing within me, rather than a faint air of tinkling notes from a distant, unknowable place. To be able to capture this music with my fingertips this morning, rather than my speech fills me with happiness. This complex, beautiful, uplifting song is what I want to share, what was once a faint few notes, disembodied, and life itself.
That’s how I used to describe it, you know. At the beginning? And these faint stirrings in the summer of 2011 led to revelations and light shows by January of ’12. But at first? It was a hint of faint music, from a distant place. It affected my mood and gave me a knowledge of hope and magic, but it left unpredictably, came upon me spontaneously, and was just enough to make me feel better, to make me sit up straight and smile for once.
That’s how it felt. I would feel this lift, a familiar but faintly supernatural one, and it was only just that, at the beginning. When I use that verbiage, I am referring to an extraordinary time in my life, completely unexpected, but weirdly familiar, like I said.
It was the same magical feel I had when The Teachers were with me, when I was gaining counsel from a channeled group way back when, in the early ’90’s. During their time with me, I was like this, like I am now, mobile in my consciousness, aware of much, and playing with it, though still prone to letting it get me down, sometimes way too much.
I have had to learn how to deal with grievance, and so, in reviewing my last offering, I realized that, although completely valid, necessary and beautiful, the tone of it, the feel of it, was one of grievance, and I wasn’t very fond of that signature. What’s that about? I wondered. What’s going on here?
And so, it came to pass that many miracles have occurred in my life, and I understand now what I did not, then. Oh, how many times have I written that sentence, phrased that sentiment in words never varying far from the core note, “I am changed.”
This morning, as all morning, I received lovely gifts of thought, ways in which to house memory and intention, solutions to problems I have never considered, and answers to questions I had only begun to language.
So it goes, for me, these days.
Today I was shown the chromosomes, and was given puzzles about male and female. It was explained that the variant is male, the element added is the Y chromosome, the prototype is the X. They explained, in pictures and thoughts, how specialized and necessary and vital the roles are, the happily taken on tasks of spirit incarnate. It was a lovely exploration into realms I simply had not considered before and the exercise softened me toward everyone and everything, as the exercises are, I suspect, designed to do, while instructing my open and complex heart-mind.
What it all led to, though, was the butterfly, the caterpillar, the cocoon phase, and just how badass that creature is.
I think it’s daft to see a butterfly as anything but a hard-core spiritual warrior, a talisman for many, a totem, a symbol of Self. Oh! If human beings were that willing and able to obey the instruction set their bodies course with, to be so at peace with mystery, with disintegration, with surrender!
I have lately been aware that I am now quite different than I was, even a year ago. Something has shifted these last few weeks. I have, most assuredly, done the most profound and deep inner, meditative work of my life, during this time. I have changed my magnetics, my trajectory, and my history. This morning, with movies of caterpillars, cocoons and butterflies playing in my brain, making coffee, scratching, yawning, I considered them as welcome guest and resident counselor, and learned from them. To understand it, I personalized it.
You do get that Deeply Awake is just that, right? It’s the personalization, the unique interpretation of source energy through these fingertips, these pupils, these feet, this heart. It’s always been about translating this cosmic force into daily life, living it, being it, knowing it as self, and self as source. What other goal can there be, after all? But it’s exactly why it’s been risky, and weird, and fun, and at times kind of scary for me. Just putting out there my thoughts on all this, not as a leader or an authority, but just as an organic part of life in America in 2018, a woman equipped with a story, a mission (so to speak), and the interwebs.
I thought on my 2 million words, my volumes upon volumes of raw work, beautiful, transformative, transportive, educational, often hilarious, sometimes scary, always surprising. What a treasure! But what I was aware of during those butterfly moments is that the work is already done. I already did it.
I am done with one thing, and I am something else now, because of what I did.
I saw then that this past time, this time of constricted affect, fear-based and shame-based responses and expectations, of living up to expectations, when the game is rigged, and I am perpetually on the losing end? Yeah, those days are done.
I got it, in one day, how it is no longer acceptable or desired for me to pathologize my affect or behavior. What was once mild autism has given way to self-acceptance so fulminant that what I am discovering is that people actually understand me to be wiser than they, more deep and true a person than they have encountered, and a long-lost friend, often times.
I could understand, then, what I had been shown the day before, how I seemed to go through an opening up, a shedding of shame and fear, of sexual pain and torture, within these recent years.
Part of this most recent training involved healing from women and with men working shamanically. Through our practices, I came to understand about the Other, and my Self, and I was finally somehow able to be aware of what I had been able to contain, for so very long. In groups, in company, in love, I then lovingly and powerfully released these realities with a burst of love and joy and abandon and spiritual bliss. I came to understand God, myself, other people, sexuality, spirituality and shamanism in ways that put me back together.
Oh yes, it was deep and profoundly spiritual work, and we did it consciously knowing we were indeed offering release for all fellow enslaved and imprisoned sisters and brothers. What you do for self, you do for the collective, either for ill, or for good.
It’s been wholly alchemical work.
But I had yet to define just WHO was doing this work. I was led from task to task, from situation and person to situation and person, often stunned to find myself in so unusual, colorful, and comfortable a place, be it an orgy or an art exhibit, a burlesque show or a class on trach care in infants, but always in this state of indefinition, of exploration, of not-quite-there-yet-but-getting-ever-closer-don’t-give-up.
51 years of difficulty, by design, by agreement and request, let’s never forget that!
6 years of breaking through, breaking open, shutting down, of terminations, new beginnings, calculated risks and knowing smiles.
And now, here I am.
I came from all of that. Yep, that was me. I have the photos and the t-shirts to prove it. I have the essays and videos explaining it all, from my cocoon, from my altered state.
And now, there are three small days until the solstice. I am a Terran. A Gaian. An Earthling. I find the way my soul marks time is with celestial events, so I pay attention to the ones that I am made aware of. This solstice marks much, for me.
Summer solstice of 2014, my god, I had never been so happy, in my whole life. Those were golden days, that spring, those years.
Four years have passed. I have seen my consciousness twist and turn. I have finally encountered the blackness within me. I had my Armageddon. I had my crucifixions. I’ve had my zero-point moments. And here I am, shiny and comfortable and enthusiastic. I am still very much alive. What conclusions can be drawn? That our terminology is out-dated, and the labels unnecessary and costly.
If you want to put a fine point on it, I think spiritual bad-ass will do nicely.
I had many intense years, and from them I come away in peace, singing a newly found, ancient song, finally a lilt in my step that I have previously found so elusive that before, when this feeling came upon me, I set out to describe it in words, in explanations, what it is like, what I am thinking, feeling, expecting, knowing, because it is WAY different, and WAY better than normal. I never completed that task. I let this jeweled reality be a potential one, one I slip into overnight and never stop wearing, one fine day.
And, here I am, in one of those times again. Things are finally sweetening, lightening up, easing. The last week or so. Finally.
And this time, I know it can be and will be and is sustained. It is not lightning in a bottle as much as the general weather. It is not so much miracle as matrix of reality, now, this sweetening, this lightening up.
I had some big stuff to get through, just for me, always only for me, and I did much of it without explanation or roadmap for others. What I am doing is archetypal, revolutionary, and wholly personal. This is the inner work, the tomb of tombs work, the high alchemy we each come to do, to master, to walk away from.
And that’s the point.
To walk on.
I like how my world is so big now, and how much I am happy and comfortable with. I find that the things I hold in contempt make me look small and bent and hurt. I know that. But I also know that in a social matrix, it was important to break some barriers, to state some things, to clear for a consciousness things that have been all jammed up in their throat chakras, unable to be released. The will was there. Oh yes. But not the ability. It takes time and effort to master new tools, new equipment.
I am reminded of when I was led through the opening of the chakra systems. It was highly unpleasant and physically so. It was a physicalized soul pain, that’s the best way to describe it. It is only now that it has come into focus what I did. I’ll explain a bit, and then I want to conclude with what I understood from the butterfly thing.
The night they led me to this, I had been channeling, working, doing mirror gazing, writing, it was full-on. This night, they led me back to what they had explained when I had been trained, in the ’90’s. They expanded it and it finally all made more sense. I’ll explain it to you now, briefly.
For this discussion, PLEASE know assignation of gender is ENERGETIC, not biologic! I know women who are far more male, and males far more female, and many who are both!
They told me that each age is set with magnetic “locks” or set-ups in consciousness. It was done with the 7 chakra wheel system, which is itself a false one, a closed one, so not entirely useful for more than compulsory exploration.
Each age have males in one magnetic position, females in another. This is how “experiments in consciousness” are done. They’d explained, way back when, that the agreement this go around is that men would have their crowns and pineal turned down, with their root and sacral areas taking the excess energy, and in females, their throats were turned down, thus inflaming the solar plexus, and growing the heart. Mute.
This was the set up.
That night in April of 2016, on camera (Since destroyed… it was too raw and hard for me to watch, so I got rid of it) in channel, they explained it first, and then they led me, as a male, chakra by chakra, in the last experiment’s magnetics. It was so uncomfortable. The whole exercise was.
Then they led me through each chakra as male, at 100%. It felt so much better!
Then they did that with me, as female. Constricted, it was so uncomfortable, so much pain, oh my. And then, with each of my seven, they opened all to 100%
They then proclaimed that this is how it now is, for all, as they wish. Then they explained to me that I would use the local sauna with its crystal-encrusted walls and endless showers as a temple of sorts, to anchor this and spread the word, if the crystal kingdom chose to give consent.
I remember going to sleep that night worried that the crystal kingdom might say no. They explained to me about just how royal and impeccable those beings are, and I already have a natural deferential respect for them, so, it was a worry of mine. In the morning, I asked questions, and found out that part of this process had been to come to peace with what I was doing, to give it some thought, and be at peace with what it really means.
Honestly, some of this stuff is of an importance and magnitude that, if thought real, is pretty impressive, and really sweet to have done. What a nice gift, you know?
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Just how real is any of it, right?
Well, I was presented to the crystal kingdom, I paid my respects and honor to them, and they accepted the message and it was done. This is what They have done with me whenever there has been a big enough change in consciousness, or a big enough release, that it is appropriate to then make it available to all in a more amplified way.
I was led to think on Kryon’s opening of nulls and nodes.
There is some work that is done so intuitively, and is actually part of the Earth’s design, that we just do as we know we can and must, because we are being asked to, and we know how to do it. So it goes with gatekeepers, gridworkers, and all spiritual or energetic warriors.
I use that word to denote our skill, not our desire to war. That is not something we have as standard equipment. Devoid as we are of a desire for it, it is very much standard equipment, this innate skill in battle we each possess, whether we want it or not.
With a lot of this more revolutionary stuff, what I have deduced is that, as a human being, it is my right and responsibility to answer the stirrings of my soul, wherever it takes me. In 2012, that meant writing about it. In 2016, it meant coming to the camera.
Can you imagine the flood of relief, the gratitude for company as this informational tsunami hit me in 2012, this flood of familiar-new energy I saw populating the internet, generating a discussion I’d longed to be part of?
For a lifetime, it had been my walk to live as I had finally deduced would be wise and safe: in girlhood I knew, and in my thirties I doubled-down on living my spiritual life privately. It was pondered silently, written about rarely, and almost never talked about.
It was a black-out kind of thing, and for two decades, I held The Teachers’ information close to the vest. It was a part of me, the knowledge, but cordoned off, irrelevant to goings-on. When I did risk sharing, through those years, it always led to a feeling of profound aloneness and disconnection. It/I made people feel uncomfortable, when I did risk it all and brought it out.
And then, in 2012, everything sort of came on-line. More was possible. I felt better more often, though it was still mighty bleak at times.
Getting back, to the chakra systems… (I am sooo enjoying writing to you today! I’m finding it hard to stop!)
I have reviewed what the expectations They had for how behavior in the genders would begin to change, and how puzzling it would all seem, at first, until people are more hooked up with their individual hearts and souls.
They said the result of being at 100%, all chakras, would be that Man would begin thinking “Woman, I hate you, and yet, I cannot help but feel stirrings of true tenderness for you. What is this? What is this?” And, poor confused Man would be confronted with the dragon it created, while under.
Because Woman would begin to air grievances, their throats now cleared of impediment.
They said it could get quite hard and heated and heart-breaking, because it would be an on-onslaught of pent-up grievances, heard by counterparts who can now actually feel the impact of it all in a far more vibrant, and responsible way. But they won’t be cut a lot of slack, even when it would be in everyone’s best interest to ease up a little. It would take time to balance it.
That was April of 2016. Pre-Weinstein. Pre #metoo. Crazy-weird, huh?
There is a lightening going on, an easing up and off, and maybe that means it really is the time of moving past grievance. I have a lot of friends who do not trifle with things such as the dark. They are too busy doing the stuff I want to do, know how to do, now, and am able to do, finally.
I realized that this was, in essence, the lesson, and maybe it really can be seen in so simple of terms that there was a time when I had a consciousness that was like a TV, broadcasting for decades in black and white.
The set itself had to change into one that could not only see in color, but which could handle not 5 stations, but an infinite amount of data, or programming, for want of a better subtexted word.
I think that for me, maybe my black and white days ended during those ramping-up days in the spring and summer of 2011, culminating in the first of a seemingly never-ending series of light events. That first one was so eye-popping, so life-altering, so freeing. It was supernatural, and life-changing, that weird, cold, clear day back in January of 2012.
Maybe then I had to go through a change in my receiver, an opening it up, a deepening and broadening of my receiving band, so that I could receive whatever my heart desired.
And now, I can manage great rivers of consciousness, I can be in many places at once, I can throw my consciousness, I can feel into things with more heart, but, far more, I am at peace. I am finally at peace and happy.
I used to be really fat, and I consumed a lot, and I had my eyes down, and I really couldn’t, I just couldn’t really give two craps about anything lofty or exalted, not really, not after The Teachers left, in 1994.
And then, just like a bad ass caterpillar, something happens, a gong goes off inside, and I suddenly have something I gotta do.
For me, that was 2012, and that was writing. That was Deeply Awake. I HAD TO capture what I was suddenly aware of, and having adeptness, stunned familiarity and skill, with.
I produced roughly 2 million words. I gave it everything I had, each and every time I came to you. I declared this a safe place to say anything that had to be said, because it was pretty, because it was interesting, because it made sense to me, even though the rest of creation turned away from this sudden blaze of love, light, laughter, I suddenly became in 2012.
I have had time to mellow that. To understand that just because I love like that doesn’t mean anybody else does, and I have come to some sort of peace with being human, and being among those who are as afraid as I once was, and still sometimes feel. Sometimes still, I am once again suddenly thinking and feeling things that feel constricted and tight and bendy and hard to justify. I snap out of it easily now, what used to take months or weeks to be delivered from.
You have seen a very loving person trying to figure out how to love everyone, wisely and openly and with great mirth and a sense of inner safety that is unshakable. I don’t think that’s anything more than just growing up as a spiritual being, really. I think we dress this stuff up and call it fancy things like ascension and all that other stuff just because we feel it is so unattainable, peace and some sort of flow.
I didn’t catch a ton of breaks, made worse by my beloved habit of erring on the side of my lack of self-worth. I had a whole a boatload of problems or life-situations to work through and explain to myself, mostly revolving around power and love, will and love.
It was interesting, lots of tensions and contrasts, and then, a six year period of dissolving, of reforming, of discovery, and full stops. Waves of people, waves of events, me riding whatever wave wanted to come by.
It’s now that I realize I am the sea, and I have the ability to be calm, and to keep it so. I like that.
And so, as stories end, as the conclusions are braided into the ever-continuing saga of spiritual, divine, cosmic life, I leave you with a picture, with a moment, that you may reflect upon at leisure. Knowing myself as ocean, as sea, as cosmic mother, as one source of The Source, I leave you with a story. I leave you gently, sweetly, and in deep devotion to the beautiful light you are.
It is sunrise.
Just above an infinite expanse of a glossy living mirror, an ocean, along flutters a colorful floating creature, bobbing up and down in the silent, still, reverent air.
We let it be, knowing of a miracle. We two now know of this tableau bursting with violet and crimson and white and canary yellow and iridescent pink.
Below is an endless expanse of teeming life within the water, the water itself a being, a host, a cosmic dancer.
And above it all, popping, floating, beating its wings, obedient to its innate knowledge of lands beyond its imagination, here, for our delight, flies a vividly blue butterfly.
This being is regal, purposeful, perfect, delightful.
This quiet moment is now yours, and yet, here the beauty will remain. It is here it will unfurl into awareness for its brave and tender visitors, forever floating there, and glittering here, on the web.
My gift to you, The Beloved.
And, just for fun…
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow.
Hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new land.
To fight the hordes and sing, and cry.
Valhalla, I am coming.
Always sweep with, with threshing oar.
Our only goal will be the western shore.
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow.
How soft your fields so green. Can whisper tales of gore.
Of how we calmed the tides of war. We are your overlords.
Always sweep with threshing oar,
Our only goal will be the western shore.
So now you’d better stop and rebuild all your ruins.
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh
My newest video discusses my most beautiful visitations, visions, thoughts and understandings, realized during a heightened time of integration and inner peace.
My intention, and my hope, is that this is able to walk alongside you for a little while, speaking such happy thoughts, each thought-group ringing with that tone of truth, my truth, which rings with freedom and joy.
Deeply Awake: Enemy Mine By Kathy Vik 5-19-18
What I am going to present to you is the culmination of a lifetime, actually, and I’m going to entitle it Enemy Mine. This is the bookend to the first essay I wrote as Deeply Awake, on March 23, 2012, 9 years after a very significant event, Judas Energy.
I have wondered sometimes why it is that I have such a blunt edge, with my reportage? Why do I couch things in metaphor? Why do I see things as paradox, and then express them as essays? Why?
Well, there’ are so many things I’ve called myself, over the years, but there are a few epithets that are true, and they’re just titles, really. I’m a poet. I’m a philosopher. I’m a writer. I’m a reporter. I’m a spiritual journalist, I guess, but I write in ways that are more like prose poems than discussion of facts and breaking down of probabilities. I did more of that after 2016, but I have a flavor that is poetic.
Ok. Alright. Well, it makes sense. The very very first Akashic thing I did was to get real quiet, and state to everything in my fields, every… all of it, all creation. I was going to do a novel, and I didn’t know how to write a novel. I wanted to create something, and I didn’t know how. But the need and the will was so strong, I sat down and said:
I know that you walk with me. I just do. And I need for those who are willing, and of the highest, the pinnacle of their skill, of their insight, those who really, truly not only understand, but can express in ways that make the heart flutter, and the mind reel, and the soul come into focus. Please step forward and join me. Please come and be with me, in my mind. In my heart. In my awareness. Express through me. I’ll know. I’ll know. And I’ll let you teach me.
I have done my energetic management. I understand it’s quite possible to be labeled in this new age environment as being tricked, or listening to trickery, and thinking it’s true. Well, I think that’s what we are all talking about, as channelers and writers. One of my missions was to talk about discernment, spiritual discernment. How do you become someone who has Spiritual Discernment? Kryon also talks about Spiritual Discernment.
And I haven’t met, or heard, anyone in this community who hasn’t able to describe that they just know when it’s pure. It just makes sense, and there’s some stuff that just doesn’t feel good. And that’s just a perfectly fine way of expressing it. But, if you are sensitive, and you can feel your energy, you can feel it bend, and twist, and you can feel Resistance, what you come to find is there’s not a whole lot of literature that even acknowledges that. Some of it does, and fairy tales do, of course. That’s why I love literature and art, because it simply acknowledges that there’s something going on here, that has to do with the human heart. That has to do with the finest qualities, that we know heal, and create rather than destroy.
And of course, whales are poets, they are philosophers, they are singers, they are Guardians, and I really resonate with those dudes, so I think it’s ok. But there comes a time when you just have to lay the facts out, Mine was a journey of discovery, of discernment, and of a reverse autobiography. You get hit with light, with a new way of being, a new way of understanding. Something happens, and you are bigger than you were. And then you’ve got to explain your self to your self, and you’ve got to explain reality to yourself, all over again.
It doesn’t just happen once. Once it starts, it doesn’t stop. It gets bigger. And it gets better.
But it gets bigger.
I’ve talked about this phenomenon as walking a mountain. There are some things I can say at the base of the mountain, and then when I get midway up the mountain and say those words, and they mean something completely different, and I get up to the top, and I say those words, in full awareness and memory, and I realize I was just babbling down there.
But as I walk down the mountain again, and get in midway and say it, that middle meaning makes sense again, and by the end of the mountain, I can inhabit all three. Sure. All three make sense. Which one do I prefer? Which one is the most clear? Which one serves me best? It’s the one at the top of the mountain, where I can say “so be it,” and create a reality, whereas, at the base of the mountain, if I say “so be it,” I may actually be swearing. See how that works?
It’s pretty bizarre, when you get to the real big stuff, and your whole being sort of pops, like a soap bubble and then you look around and go, “Oh! Wait a minute. I’m just in a bigger soap bubble now.” It’s kind of disorienting.
My function has been that of discovering and fostering peace and love. This is primarily because I didn’t see it very much in my reality, but I knew it was there. There’s something underlying all this nonsense, I just know it. And I have known such pure, pure avatars of love in my life, who healed me, because they loved me and accepted me, as I was. There is no finer medicine. And it’s where I have been unable or unwilling to reciprocate or generate it, where I feel I have fallen down, and need to address it somehow, I need to make it right.
Karma for one, please.
How do you break karma?
You love everything any way. You find a way.
And it doesn’t matter if it’s reciprocated. It doesn’t matter if it’s understood. It doesn’t matter if it’s resented. It doesn’t matter if it’s battered, and burned, and its ashes are buried.
That’s just the structure.
The reality remains. Indelibly. A ripple, through all time and all space. Anchor enough of that, on this Earth, in humility and in gratitude, and in strength, and in sovereignty, and see how this place changes.
That’s how it’s done.
There has been, as I have mentioned, an “Armageddon.” I’ve talked about it recently, but I was driving down the road, minding my own business, listening to the radio, and I popped through and WOW. The energy was so intense, so intense, and I returned and said boy oh boy, I’m glad I’m here. This is perfectly fine, I’ll take this. Man oh man, it was really super intense, the last couple of weeks.
And here I was, in daily life, on the steepest learning curve of my life. And then a thought group comes…
Kathy, I ask myself, remember when you went to see Enrique Bouron? And on the last day, you sort of had a thing with him. Do you remember?
I do, and so I’ll tell you about it, because it’s kind of cute.
The last day of a week of instruction in Biological Decoding from Mr. Bouron, I woke up in a very peculiar state. A very peculiar state indeed.
I had just been disassembled, in this truly and utterly bizarre and beautiful and soft and unbelievably healing week of transformation. I was just… I woke up, and I contacted every single person who I loved. Every single one of them. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until it was done. And then I looked at the clock and realised I didn’t have, really, any time, but I stink, so I have to get into the shower.
When I got in that shower, I was immediately in an ancient and quiet place, some sort of automatic place, my hands doing positions, my body being led, and me weeping, crying through the water turning my hair to ropes, beyond relieved that I remember how to do this. I said that at first, through tears of joy. I’m so happy I remember how to do this.
And then I began bringing up everyone. I went through every single person. Every single person. I brought every single person up, and I had a talk with them, because I knew I was completing something.
I was in reverence, and thanks, and release mode. And then I got to the last one, and I burst into flame in the shower. It was the most bizarre thing.
I don’t know how to explain it.
I knew before going in the shower that I was cutting it close and was going to be late, but I was told through the morning “Don’t worry about a thing, you’ll be there before he starts talking.”
So there’s me in the shower, and I’m so late, and then I’m flame, and then I’m dressing and rushing over there and there was no time. I got up there, finally, and he hadn’t taken the stage yet. I was considerably late, and he always started on time.
I took my seat. I felt I had been disrespectful to come in late, and I felt bad about that, but I didn’t fully understand what was going on.
I had the thought, sitting there, before he began, I can’t do any more slides. It’s too hard, it’s too intense, and I need for my grandfather to read me stories from the old country. I need for all of this to come together in some quantum biologic soup that I can understand and can take with me. I was almost crying, thinking, I’m so glad I have my grandfather to sit there and tell me stories from the old country. Please read from the book, please read from the book.
And he began his lecture, and the projector didn’t work. I was told, it was sort of a general announcement, just don’t worry about it, it’ll work just fine after this presentation, just tell stories. And that’s what he did.
And he began to tell stories, pulling everything together. I was gone within about five minutes. I have no conscious memory of what he said. I would pop back in and pop back out, but I was gone, and then he was there in front of me.
He had an Italian accent, and he didn’t look like he looks now, and he was so thrilled. I don’t know exactly where we went, or what we did, but at the end of it, he as the lecturer is still talking, and a part of me is absorbing and staying with the information in the ballroom, but I’m in my meditative space, he’s this ecstatic, jolly Italian man. He crackles back on in my awareness and says, “OK, it’s all done,” and he’s dancing and all happy, acting like the cat that ate the canary, so to speak.
I said, “What’s done? I wanna know how that’s gonna happen, because I understand from Biological Decoding that the whole deal is you gotta have this in your conscious awareness. It’s getting it that heals you. How am I supposed to be healed, if I haven’t gotten anything.
And he said, “Well, look!” and he was all excited and dancing, and his arm went p in a flourish to reveal a straight line that went on and on, all the way down, all the way down, forever, a path below and then there were these huge, huge boxes, they’re gift boxes, just dangling there, just dangling there.
He said, “Look, they’re all there. You just have to walk down the road and you’ll have your answers. You’ll have your a-ha’s. You’ll have your healings. It’s all done.” So I said, oh, ok, alright, and then I was in my body again, listening to the lecture.
I had so many bizarre, just truly and utterly other-worldly experiences during that time, it was magic. Truly, truly magic. It was so much fun! It was just amazing.
And, Dr. Todd was there. And now I finally understand what he was in resistance to. I understand why. There was something I hadn’t dealt with yet. There was something walking with me that I didn’t know about.
I spent a lifetime arguing, and throwing etheric punches, and getting punched. This thing that was beside me liked to take on forms and mess with me, play with me, and the whole idea was take away, and hobbling. It was all purposeful. It was to create this work, Deeply Awake. It was an agreement.
And here we are.
Once you can see the agreement, you can release it, right? Isn’t that the idea? That’s kind of the idea.
I didn’t talk about it a whole lot, not at all really, very very rarely. Everything in my environment told me it was taboo. It was not to even be acknowledged. It was taboo with my friends with the light, and it was taboo to win, at the dark.
It all started when I started to watch documentaries on megalithic structures, in between daily life stuff, and exercise, and all that stuff, recuperating. That research led me to Egypt. I am not a big fan of Egypt. It’s like a wart. I don’t like it. Never have.
But there is beauty there, there is beauty there. But the energy is warped and it’s ugly, and it’s mean, and it’s cold, and it’s not right. It’s just not right. Maybe you feel the same way. Maybe there are other places where you think about it and react with ,”Whoa, I would never, you couldn’t pay me go there,” and everybody else is flocking to it maybe. Ok. Acknowledge it. It’s real. There’s a reason.
There’s a reason. And it’s buried in your memory, which is in a state of disrepair, at one state or another.
I did the megalith thing, and I felt so hugged, and warm, and happy, and then I did the Egypt thing, and I felt all gross and violated, and then the speakers came. Then the truth was revealed. And an Armageddon happened up there. And maybe that was just for me, and that’s fine, but I know I’m a big one, so I think it’s important to talk about resolution.
I always thought about Armageddon as the battle, you know? The life and death struggle. And the apocalypse as the Big Reveal. Here’s the reason you guys were fighting. Here’s the outcome. Here’s the truth.
The revealing of the truth, the burning away of the veil. The big reveal. The Big Show.
It’s pretty stunning, for me, to have this knowledge, and to have it all come together. I am including an interview from Project Camelot of George Kavassilas, because his story is similar to mine in many respects. It was really good to hear who has survived the dropping away of everybody that mattered to them, and the reordering of your reality.
He is someone who has experienced that every time you have a big huge experience, you’ve got to somehow, somehow come back and try to fit in and function with people who are NOT having that experience, and who need, NEED, to shut you down, and shut you up about it, because THAT makes them uncomfortable. One way to handle that discomfort is ridicule, and there are other ways, to handle that, depending on how heavy-handed someone in discomfort decides to be.
And in all this research, I could come to no other conclusion: the enemy is mine, and I am the enemy.
I really had to struggle with this. When I was doing this research, I finally began listening to contactees.
I listened to Alex Collier, and then I listened to Simon Parkes, in a video entitled “33% Reptilian, 33% Insectoid and 33% Human.”
It blew my mind.
I am a blend.
My physical DNA has the genetic imprint of all of those races. That’s sort of the point. That’s what makes humans so incredibly beautiful, and brilliant, resilient, creative, strong, important. And indeed, royalty. It is an honor to hold this DNA. It is an honor.
Think about that, and then take a look out at Trumpland. Come right back. Do you notice a difference? How are you asked to think of yourself, in that closed system of government, medicine, justice, education? It’s a closed, finite system. It is an irrelevant system.
Closed systems die.
Listening to that man speak about his experiences, the choice that he made to see all of it benevolently, the story behind these races, and that’s something I couldn’t do before.
They had hurt me I had been hurt by them, here, and I didn’t know how to defend myself. They’d come visit, or something from them would happen, and I’d be sick. I called it magnetic, and it was an illness, and I’d be sick for a long time. I wasn’t visited by spaceships, I was visited by human beings holding that frequency, that intention, that signature. It smells horrible, and is the emotional equivalent and psychic equivalent of abject, raw terror.
They could induce me, and then feed off of it for weeks, sometimes longer. And they did that, until 2012.
It bothered me when I was visited again by them in 2012. I wasn’t visited by the entity in the flesh. I was visited by his mother, who had come for help. I don’t know if I was as compassionate as I could have been, but I was in misunderstanding of what was going on.
One question was whether she should advise him to go ahead and take the monoatomic gold he wants to eat. I was emphatic. NO. No. No. No. No. Especially for him, no, no, that would make him miserable No.
Soon after, I had a talk with my Self and with my God. I felt so threatened, in the middle of this, so threatened, yet again. Because there are lesser versions of this in all of my reality through all of my experiences. It has been everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.
That is what I have come to break.
That is what I have come to heal.
That is what I have come to love.
I call it the demiurge, that’s what I call it. And it has been individuated as has the Angelic forces. And so you can see it in the draconians, and you can see it in the Archons, and you can see it in the Thetans, and you can see it in Jinn. It’s the same energy.
And that energy runs through the justice system – let’s call it the legal system – and it burps into your wallet as green cash.
It invites you to believe that “You must earn everything, including a sense of self-worth, Including love. Including acceptance.
It must be earned.”
Well, that’s just a construct.
“No, it doesn’t, you dork.
Well-being is my birthright. Joy is my birthright. Fun, play, excitement, creativity, expression, those are my birthrights. Look at what my body can do. I can create human life. And you dare tell me that I’m not free?
You’re dumb. And you’re small, and you’re petty. You’re not very bright, you know.”
I have that inside of me. I would see it, when I would watch a dark film, or when someone is doing something dark to another person on film, there would be this BOOM, this reverberation in my body, and sometimes I could feel it intensely. Sometimes it surprised me with its intensity.
And it’s funny, I think I have been able to notice these things because, for me, there hasn’t been a time speed-up. I’ve been really happy lately, because everything has slowed the fuck down.
I can understand things finally. Because there was always this buzzing, information zooming, but the last year or so, everything has slowed down so very much. And in the moment, I can see what’s going on, and respond in a way that’s in accord with what I really know to be true. Not in fear, but in humor. That took things slowing down, not speeding up.
I like it, because I can really think things through.
I took all this super, super personally. It was right in my face all the time. Maybe it’s being a woman, maybe it’s just being dialed the way I’m dialed, so maybe it would be helpful to just tell you my philosophy of life.
I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do, what I need to do, and there are certain things that you can argue about until you’re blue in the face, but I’m still going to do them. You can be upset about it, I don’t care. That’s fine Be upset. Enjoy that. But I still need to do this. And you having a problem with me completing my mission tells me more about you than me. So, I don’t care, have a problem with it.
That’s a pretty easy place to be. I don’t know how compassionate it is, but that’s sort of been my way, and it means that everybody else has the same freedom, and that’s really, really hard to give. But, that’s my philosophy.
You hang out with people, and you let them show you what they believe and who they think they are. Within that construct, there are certain things that they’re not going to be able to do, and certain things that they’re going to want to do, and it’s up to them. Not me. And if I want to join in that, I can. And a lot of it’s really fun. But, you know, everybody has the right to choose their own way.
In relationship, it means I watch. I just observe. I let people be. I wasn’t like that with my son, a whole lot, at first. It was the programming. I’ve stopped the clamp-down, but that’s how I am with everybody, just, whatever. And I guess it might appear uncaring, but there’s a reason for it.
I know of having soul urges, and experiences that can never be explained, because they would never be understood, so why bother? I know that everyone walks around in prisons, because they don’t talk about their experiences, and they don’t even have words for their emotions.
I was so shut down in 1985, when I started psych nursing, that I had to use an affect chart with faces to realize that there were a lot of expressions of emotionality.
I had just been pooped out of a pretty rigid structured system, and I had a certain amount of affective range, but I didn’t have words for any of it, and I hadn’t had mirrors, or I hadn’t been paying attention. So, the repetitive sort of inculcation began to break in nursing school, and once I got out of nursing school I realized I really needed to define – not define myself, that was way premature, but I just needed to figure myself out. I just needed to listen to myself.
I could finally sit down and listen, and I had some freedom, so that’s what I did. I started very multi-dimensional, parallel reality-friendly therapist, who resonated with Lazaris, and that was six years of putting myself together, and then I met The Teachers, who were an insert. I didn’t meet them on their spaceship, though they once took me there in session. I didn’t have contacts and visitations. I had to pay money.
But that’s consistent with my role.
It’s been to walk hand in hand with monsters, and what people thought were monsters, often times, as a psych nurse. I worked with people who went on to murder, and burn things down, and rape, and create mayhem.
I was always right smack dab in the mayhem, as a nurse. I liked the mayhem. I liked the seedy parts of town, and the parts that were thought to be rough, and run-down. I liked that the best. I was so uncomfortable visiting in expensive mansions, and being around that kind of folk. That’s just not me. “Everybody’s pretending here. Let’s get down to what’s real.”
It’s just one example of this weird blend I had going the whole time, and it was so hard to reconcile What is a being of love and light, who can totally hear god through a cloverleaf doing in a seedy bar? What the what?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
Love your enemy.
With every reveal, through these videotapes I’ve been watching, through my studies, through my research, research I wouldn’t be able to do any other way, so I am so grateful for YouTube. What a miracle. What a wonderful thing! This is the way to cement it. This information is available in our Merkahbic fields now, we can access all of this now, but it’s so satisfying to hear a stranger talk about something that sets things in motion, like a key finally turned in an engine.
A’Shayana Deane, I listened to her, and it took about five and a half hours to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, for the veil to completely burn off, and for me to see, finally see, just what I’ve been up against.
What strikes me the most is the manipulation of the solar system. And I looked at that, and I saw all the movements, and the processions, and the complexity, and the compulsivity, the compulsivity. And the arrogance.
Taking something that is obviously divine, and good for you, and saying, “I can do better. And, I don’t care who I hurt. In fact, it’s kind of fun. I like it.”
That is the mind of a tweaker, and a sociopath. That is what we are up against. Raw stupidity and arrogance.
It’s diabolical. And it’s super-mechanical. And it’s dead.
These tweakers don’t know how to design open systems because they don’t have the DNA to consider it possible. They’re not smart enough, simply put. But, oh my god, they’re tweakers!
And I have seen that in my life, and in my work, and I’ve described. There’s even an essay that talks about it, “Obsessive-Compulsive.” I resonate with Antares, and one of the fundamentals of this energy is to learn balance, and abstain from obsession. It’s been on my radar for a while, and once again, another stream comes in to confirm that which is coming into clearer and clearer focus.
This is one of my theses, that there is a mindset that creates a field of experience that’s closed, that’s karmic, and the energy is tarry and sticky and infective.
I’ve been describing it.
I’ve been living it.
I’ve been writing and speaking, and thinking the words, but it’s only today that I feel power, and peace, and safety.
There’s a lot about the plan, and what’s occurring that I am in agreement and in accord with, and it’s counter what we have been led to believe or that we understand, but it is coherent and consistent with everything else I have learned in my lifetime of research. I really had to struggle with that, especially overnight, I asked for some help.
The truth is, had I had this information any sooner, I would have left. I would have exited. I wouldn’t have been able to maintain enthusiasm. I barely did, with a complete cloak around my head, I barely survived. Had I known what I know now, that would have been that.
So, what The Teachers told me, way back when, is really true. I wanted to know where I was from, in order to understand what it was all about, and they said they wouldn’t reveal, and that’s my policy, too, with my clients. That’s the most profound discussion you’ll ever have with your soul, and it’s not for me to tell you. You’ve got to ask a few questions. And you might be put on a scavenger hunt or two. It may be a weird experience, or it might be handed to you on a note, who knows, but I’m not the one to hand you that note.
They told me, if I knew, I wouldn’t stay. And now I understand why.
That was the God’s honest truth, it turns out. And to hold this awareness has led to such profound peace. It’s indelible.
All that’s I’ve been saying, that there’s nothing to worry about, and that everybody loves you, and everything’s cool, all the messages from the rapture of spiritual awakening and all that? That’s singing from my bones, and my blood, and my nervous system today.
So, where is this enemy of mine?
Still here. Within me.
It took A’Shayana saying a joke, to break the fear, for me. The way that she talks about the dracs, and the reptilians, and all that stuff, all the greys, she’s had her tussles, ok? She’s been hurt, just like we all have. But you know how she responds? “Yeah, well, it takes a village.”
You gotta get to the place where you love. And the only thing that energy requires of you is hate. Hate and fear. It’s the only thing that makes sense, when you’re looking right at it. Hate and fear.
That’s all it knows.
Well, that and tweaking. Unbelievable.
So, I’m sitting on my bed this morning and thinking, no wonder I’ve had problems with this reflectivity, I am that which I hate. I contain that which I abhor. I am genetically, biologically part of my enemy.
But, you know what?
Somehow, somehow, I can see bigger, than my enemy. I can do things my enemy can’t. I can love them. And, they don’t seem capable of it, but, I don’t care. I love them.
That’s what shadow work is, you know. You get beat up by the shadow, or you beat up somebody else, and you feel the shadow overtake you, if you do your shadow work right, it blossoms into radiant, brilliant diamond light, and love. That’s the idea. Always. That’s the purpose.
So the question becomes, how much conflict do you need to get to that love? Do you really need conflict, to feel forgiveness and release? How important is it to you, how necessary a device?
Yeah, make-up sex is kind of fun, but I’ve never had it. I think it’s kind of dumb. It’s disordered thinking. Coming together after misunderstandings, that’s different, but I’ve witnessed couples, myself included, get into cycles where their anger and pain become their passion, because they’ve lost their love. And then they don’t understand why they’re in this cyclone of despair all the time, but it like, “well, you’re addicted to something that’s not very healthy.” I think that’s what a lot of us do. We get hooked on the conflict because we’re still trying to figure out what love is. Because we are trying to get it, get it, from someone else. And it’s just disordered thinking, that’s all. It’s ok, it’s really ok.
When the lights come on, then you have to make a decision. You can get your juice from anger and slight, and pain and disappointment, or you can lift anchor. And, you find, the wind takes you, and the sea supports you, and you’re no longer alone.
It’s very odd.
So, I’m a poet, and a philosopher, and not necessarily one of those who had experiences in crafts and in other physicalized realities. My way seems to blended earth life and cosmic life, and got my understandings in perhaps unconventional ways, more shamanic or visionary, or lalalalala.
But I did it all in amnesia, and finally, the big reveal came. Boop. We’re up against tweakers? Oh Fuck. They’re impaired. They’re impaired, they’re dangerous but they’re not healthy individuals, and it’s not a healthy consciousness. It’s going to do unhealthy things.
Well, it isn’t a conundrum. It isn’t a puzzle, it isn’t a problem. It’s the task at hand. Figuring out exactly what, who, or if, there is an enemy.
It really took realizing that by virtue of being human, I am, I have internalized, through my genetic code, this whole set up. And because this darkness has individuated and tapped me on the shoulder and messed with me, it became a priority, for me, to figure out exactly what it was.
So, to end, I’ll tell you of my big Aha!, because it’s been really hard for me to know, am I good, or am I bad? I freaking resonate with the dark. I understand the dark. I don’t mind it. I’m kind of immune. It doesn’t seem to stain me, but instead invigorates me, and it makes me appear dark, and corrupted, to some.
I am that which I fear.
I am my own destroyer.
I am paradox.
I am a singularity.
And I am the creative essence.
I know, and am, with, that thing, that if you’ve been touched by it, if you’ve run after it and touched it, you know what I’m talking about. The Isness. The All. God. Creator. Source. The Unified Field. Call it what you will. It doesn’t mind.
I resonate with the dark, because I created the dark, because I like a good story. And because, with free will the way it is, well there was a part of me that wanted to run free, and defy. And say:
You. Can’t. Make. Me.
Will is a quantum force. Love is a quantum force.
My enemy likes to play with will, and ignore the solvent that is love.
And I am my enemy.
And I am at peace, with what was, what is, and what is to come.
I love my enemy.
I love my Self.
And I love you.
I declare this the day when all misunderstandings fall, all misdeeds are seen as our own, seen for the silliness they are, and dismissed, with a chortle.
I know my enemy, and I know why I can go dark. I know why it’s bothered me when I have gone dark.
But there is no enemy. It’s just a game. And the light always wins. Always. Without exception. That’s the only rule. This has been a wonderful, wonderful game. Big to little, little to big.
Love your enemy.
I feel as shaky and apprehensive and awed in publishing this work as I have on a few other occasions, during my creative sojourn. I felt this way with Judas Energy (link below), with Home, and a few others. After posting, sometimes, I look back, look in, and wonder how it is I didn’t break the internet somehow, with my posting, because I just broke reality. That’s how I feel about what I offer you today. It is a culmination of a lifetime of work, to understand and come to peace with my enemy. It is my finest work yet. Here is its bookend, its counterpart, called Judas Energy:
As I say on video, I have been quiet about the root cause of the darker aspects of my character, and have allowed myself safe exploration into many physical realities with which few are comfortable. I find I am finally at ease, in those environments, often times. I’ve never minded “the dark,” in other words. I just didn’t know why it was incessantly buzzing me.
I address “the plan,” the “service to self” groups, and this battle we seem to be having internally, and in our dealings, that seems fulminant within our leaders, and in our greater realities. This work is my interpretation of why I am here, and my response to finally understanding the answers I have received to the eternal questions.
I hope you enjoy and feel release from this offering of mine. It stands as my description of a journey, through space, time, meaning and significance, to learn answers to questions few around me felt were ok to ask, and fewer still who took seriously what I was coming to know. Such is the way of it for some of us. But, that’s ok. Our time has finally come.
I am including a wonderful interview with George Kavassilas and Project Camelot. He is yet another gifted and seemingly destined teacher of this knowledge. We each take our place in good time, in divine accord, it seems. He has been tested, and he has come through, and has enlightening things to say about it all. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
I hope you enjoyed this work of mine. Here is its postscript. I like chuckling. Laughing, and this sketch, are favorites, especially her voice. Ahh! Some Humor is just Co(s)mic Perfection!.