Deeply Awake — Thoughts Before An Intentional Shift In Physical Reality By Kathy Vik 3-7-18

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An honest, fun and multidimensional talk on what is at hand for me.

In the physical, I am getting a hip replacement tomorrow, so this stands as my final thoughts before going through an event that has meanings not only in the day-to-day, but spiritually and soulically.

I hope you enjoy this perspective. I do talk about an event that occurred in the spring of 2016, an activation which my team refers to as “the Merkabah is set.” They haven’t elaborated on that, though I have been receiving more and more information about that event.

This mystical event is discussed because it is, for some reason, front and center these days, and so I am including it in my thoughts, my meditations on health, healing, illness, wellness, spiritual evolution and intentional shifting of physical reality.






As referenced, a really fun and coherently presented hit of highly esoteric and TOTALLY DO-ABLE almost-magical-but-based-in-high-physics stuff, the glittery  wonderful Ms. Alison Coe:


Deeply Awake — Daily Life As a Multidimensional Being, or, Applying Ascended Reality To Daily Life 2-4-18 By Kathy Vik

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Holy smokes.

This is a vital recording, with a HUGE anomaly late in the recording, adding emphasis when relaying a soul confirmation … INCREDIBLE!

This is a FULL ON esoteric recording, for the hardcore among us, who need to know what it is like to apply these principles and to see them pay off in daily life.

That’s sort of the point, of going through this process in public. There had to be an end-point, I would think. There’ll come a day when things make a lot more sense, and then, it’ll be an obligation, and a joy, to just describe the view.

This is one such love letter, from a ledge that continues to blink on and off, literally (!!!!!), as I transmit this appreciation, and joy, and hope, and tips, and descriptions right from my being, to you.

Namaste, my brother, my sister.





As referenced:

Deeply Awake — To Participate 12-27-13 By Kathy Vik

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Deeply Awake — To Participate 12-27-13 By Kathy Vik

I have gone many places this morning, here in my little apartment, in the hours between my waking up and my kid waking up. Silent, busy hours, in which I have understood many things, things I want to tell you about.

I woke up remembering a dream that felt very good, and had good things to teach. I had been married to Bradley Cooper, and I had just had a fight with him. He had done something that signaled to me that he was flirting, or engaging someone else. I’d felt he didn’t love me, that I had been wrong.

Then I was in a dried up swimming pool (there is no reason to add some of these details, except for them being funny) with my ex-husband, William Katt, an amalgam. I was lying on a chaise lounge reading a book, red and black cover, “What To Do When Your Marriage Is Failing.”

I had been reading it as a review of the marriage I’d come from, with a user, someone who used the me I presented, instead of loving the me I presented. But Bradley saw this scenario, and he got very, very upset.

Just as I had, he was assuming something that was completely incorrect. He was assuming I was telling my ex-husband that my current marriage was failing. I let him bluster and blow, and he was quite loud and melodramatic.

And then I realized something, and told him about it.

I realized that he was angry and scared for the same reason I had been angry and scared with him earlier. We were each assuming the other did not love us completely, or well, or truly. We were afraid we were wrong about being loved.

And I realized, and said, this is the last time that either of us are going to have to do this running around yelling and crying thing.

I love you.

You love me.

I mean, it was in my core, that I loved this guy, connected and adored, respected and loved. And the way he had acted toward me when I’d had my blow out had shown me that I had been completely incorrect in my bad assumptions.

He loved me this way, the way I love him.

And so, it was clear to both of us that this questioning we had carried with us, the never quite knowing for sure where the other stood, that this was done and over, and would never be a factor again. We were solid. We loved each other.

And then, I had a phone call from my handler at the nursing agency, and we talked a bit, and he chastised me for not being uber compliant with my corporate masters, meaning, how dare I presume to ask for a weekend off now that they have deigned to offer me a job, and I just shrugged and said, if it’s a deal breaker, it’s a deal breaker.

We were negotiating whether I’d be granted permission to have time off to go see my mentor, my guide, my guru, Kryon. We won’t be arguing about this. It’s going to be fine. When I put in my order for the tickets, my account balance came back $333.42. A wink from spirit, saying, we’ve got this. You did the right thing. Your presence has been expected.

So we had a good conversation, left it in a good way, the “Hey, I thought you were the one who needed the work,” comment left to die of asphyxiation there on the ground between us, and then, I thought, this calls for watching the very end of Silver Linings Playbook.. I saw the scene, in my head, where I should start. And so coffee was bred, slippers were fetched, and I finished up my dream.

What I realized, as I watched the finals scenes, are many fold, but I will try for a succinct delivery. First, is the thought I first had when coming out of my NDE. I understood, and wrote, that the point is to participate. All is for naught, or has less value, if I do not participate. To participate enlivens it all.

I thought, as the movie played, that my stance has long been one of unwillingness, of resentment that has now been ground down to simple weariness. Sometimes the world is too much with me, invading my thoughts with all the closed fists and closed minds I hear about in the news.

For example, I read something yesterday which still reverberates. The Republicans, it is said, are slightly ahead in polling about the 2014 election. Slightly ahead with the populace.

And this is the most disturbing thing I think I read, although there were many disturbing things on the feed yesterday. I have unfriended a bunch of news/alt news groups. Things are just too tilty out there. And yet, here is the worst of it somehow. I want to know how this is possible, and how it is that these haters get anyone to come to one of their rallies. They drip fear and contempt, and yet, they have followers. It really disturbs me.

And I am thinking about this too, watching the movie, and this is my first thought. I have always been an introvert, a deep thinker, a philosopher, with a tender heart and sharp mind. I haven’t missed much, I’ll tell you. And like so many of my family, I have felt oddly, silently apart from others. Invisible, usually, but they’re all the same, some sort of bubble or barrier.

And I worked, finally, on myself, diligently and persistently, and with great effect, the last two years, and I emerge now knowing one thing above all others, that I am love, that I love, that I am loving and lovable.

And therein lied the dissonance, really, always.

I felt, I realized this morning, unloved. I did. Unloved. I assumed I was unloved. I assumed this, and it became part of my awareness.

There was always this fight, the loving one against the unloving, the selfish, the unthinking, the crude, the rude, the angry, the withholding, the judging, oh my god the judging ones.

And so, this play of light and dark, of contrasts, went on and on, until I brought it into myself, you see.

I realized that I am loveable. And the question then became, for me (as it always had been, but never really articulated), well, then, what about them? If I am lovable, and they are mean or they ignore me, or blow me off, or tell me to be quiet, can they love? Do they love? Are they capable?

And then, this morning, everything did a backflip. I was transported, the whole room glittery, my heart and body feeling such expansion and joy, when it hit me, all at once, people love me.

They always have.

Other people can love, they are capable of it. And it felt like they couldn’t, but here is why. Love in the physical, it’s about showing up. Showing up. Participating and showing up. And I don’t mean to imply by that that this sort of loving participation is all about activities, or get-togethers. No. It’s about showing up in genuineness, in a full heart, and from there, doing as much as seems appropriate.

I thought on the ones in my life who have given me the most trouble, and realized, the frustration comes in them not wanting to show up in the areas of my life which matter the most to me, or even worse, judging me as I stand there in my fullness, my honesty, and telling me I don’t measure up.

That’s it.

And just like in the dream, this is the case of someone doing something which one can easily assign an exactly incorrect motivation for. I assumed I had not been loved. Bradley Cooper, my husband ( I couldn’t resist writing that!) had also assumed I did not love him, when I knew, rock solid knew, that wasn’t so.

I remember in the dream, I kept my mouth shut as he gestured wildly and was upset, smiling, I was, and sort of glowing with love, because I knew something he did not. There was no need to defend, to get in there and try and convince him.

It was something he needed to get out of his system, and it really had nothing to do with me, as I saw it. I loved him, and he was reading things with a bias that told him he was unloved, and maybe he even was pacing with that hairy, smelly monster who just loves to bellow at its prey, “You’re not only unloved, you are unlovable!”

I understood, watching the characters ready for their dance number in Silver Linings Playbook, that I am not only loved, but I am loveable.

And then it hit me, and this is not the nicest thought to admit to, that I have not really shown up for others all that much. How could I, convinced as I was that no one loved me, or was even capable of love.

I had made a nice thick wall I could only hear distant rumbling through. I had built a wall of inferiority and superiority, depending on the person and the situation, and I had repeatedly and with much diligence made it pretty hard to even find me, much less love me, because I really really really don’t participate.

I opted out of much socialization years ago, because my heart breaks so easily, and still, people went out of their way to break it. It was like a blood sport, no one seeing the love, people so ego driven, and I see it now, I was one of them, I was, I was just as defended and scared as everybody else.

And just as in the dream, I say these words so that they never have to be said again. I was held, this morning, in loving and forgiving arms, and I have come to understand, first and foremost, that I am loved.

Even the ones who are critical, those who tell us all, hey, fend for yourselves, figure it out, sink or swim. That whole mentality is what is thankfully dissolving, the one that says that as long as I have mine, there is no need to worry about you, that is the one that needs to be retried.

It is unloving, and tricks people into thinking they are unloved, and then, it sets in, the poison finds its mark, and we believe we are unlovable, abandoned, our survival tenuous, dependent on those who don’t even see us when they look into our eyes. Am I talking about your boss? Your senator? Your wife? Your dad? Yourself, as you gaze into the mirror?

The assumption, for me, had been that I was unloved. I felt unloved, and convinced myself that what were actually awkward attempts to be loving I misinterpreted, because I had a belief, a bias, a seeming irrefutable knowledge about how things were.

And so, I finished watching the movie, and realized that showing up, participating, this is what it’s about for me now, and I can do it now, because, I have now figured out that even when it looks as if I am unloved, I am loved.

Even if I am bumped around, I am loved. Even when I am told to do something which is debasing or even apparently contemptuous, I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.

And so, for me, it is and will be about showing up, no matter where I am, with an open heart, dwelling within this core I have come to know, and knowing that the other, however they present, comes from this core of love too.

And then, I understood the finer points to it.

I had a friend who would say, When Jesus rose from the dead, he didn’t go out searching for the Roman barracks, you know. He sought out his friends.

This has been a key thing in my life. Loving everybody, everybody, regardless, everybody. This indwelling need, function, to forgive, at all costs. I didn’t know how to manage it until now.

It’s about showing up. It’s about participation. It’s about not being judged. I have ones who are close to me. We are family to each other, and we know it. We loved each other, and, for our purposes, that means we accept everything, judge nothing, celebrate the little things, encourage each other, and give each other a ton of space. We see each other rarely, but we love each other in a way that is so thick.

And to enhance my lie, to change it from this little one I am emerging from into a bigger one that can contain more ease and joy, I see now that it is finding those who can show up, who can love and not judge, who can laugh and cry and bellow and be still, those who speak what is in their hearts, some without saying a word. Showing up.

And it is about respectfully disengagement from those who cannot, will not show up, those who stand in judgment, let them, but don’t hang out with them all that much. Love them, bless them, and walk away, loving them from afar, as an act of self-love, and self-acceptance.

I am not saying that those who are judgmental, or mean or even abusive should be ignored. Far from it. But engaging in that sort of nonsense, well, that is optional.

If the game must be played on a crooked board, where the rules are rigid and the outcome is assured for only one of the participants, that just doesn’t interest me anymore. It is boring, it is old, it is outdated, small, uncomfortable, no longer attractive.

I think this is what is meant with the crossing of this bridge, a bridge over which the old energy cannot pass, the unloving energy so entranced with darkness, it cannot come and stand on this fertile new ground. I have nothing but compassion for those who don’t want to, feel they cannot, who choose not to come over, but it does not mean that I will cross back over that bridge and live denying this light, this knowledge, of all this love. I did that. Many of us did. Many of us are just now crossing the bridge.

Before preparing to write this I thought on the ones who have made things hard thus far and was filled with love, because, the truth is, they give me trouble, but there they are, in my life, showing up, participating. They are in my life purposefully, up until now.

And the days of contrasts such as these is passing. I have felt so tremendously different since yesterday morning, so clear, and it has not been the easiest to navigate some of it, but there have been synchronous gifts throughout, multiples on my clocks and odd timing and ease and an absence of worry and pain, throughout.

So I think that participating in what I am creating is the piece that can now fall into place.

I had gone to sleep asking for help about removing for all time this sense of futility and this sense of not liking the culture I live in all that much. How mean and petty it seems people have gotten, everyone doing things they would rather not do, because they are afraid of losing their jobs.

Oh the things we do to each other in the name of fearing for our jobs, fearing “negative feedback,” fearing bad evaluations, fearing, fearing, fearing. I am tired of that. I want to lay it down. Remove this from me, I said, the coldness that I feel sometimes, out and about, in my culture. Remove this.

And today, a dream about Bradley Cooper and love. Being able to get it, by watching a simple movie, that everyone, even the weird ones, they love me. They all love me. And I have made it real, real hard to be loved. I have not accepted it when int has been offered, I have argued with it, minimized it, and sent it running, often times, so convinced was I that it wasn’t even possible.

I have said for over five years, out loud, at the oddest times, to myself, always only to myself, that this life I am living is too small for me.

I’d thought that the outsides would change to reflect my inner bigness. That makes sense, right? When you outgrow a house, you buy a new one, right? The outside would change, and then everything would match.

And although of course this too will come to pass, the miracles, the dead on synchronicities which will be unmistakably miraculous, these will come because the inside has changed, once and for all, a new octave reached, a new vibration set.

I will end by telling you about this recurring thought of mine. I think I wrote about it, a dream I had that told me why it was that we can have hope. I keep getting it though, a vision and feelings and thoughts which tell me that the field has cleared. I feel this golden field out in front of me, all around me now, and this one is filled with benevolence, miracles, laughter, high regard, symmetry, luck, goodwill, kindnesses, a million kindnesses, smiling, all smiling and welcoming, this field that is just a gold mist, but contains everything that is good.

It is out there, and I understand that as I reach its vibration, it is just simple physics that this is what my life is and will ever be. This is physics at its most elegant, like meeting like and dancing, ball gowns and glitter, ease and grace, style and opulent geld, this field is here, coming closer daily, and I am matching it.

As I inhabit this field, it can manifest. I keep getting that, and I want to write it, because that makes it more real. Also, I am aware that there are many who are having these sorts of dreams. I had correspondence with two other women who had had very similar dreams of mastery over Christmas Day night.

Mine had been with the words accomplished, and a sense of completion. One friend heard “Mastery” I think, and the other had been told that she had mastered her life. This is real, guys, it’s happening, and maybe this field is what is calling us all, and these dreams are just interpretations of the light, just as Sam taught me this could be done. There is an essay called “My son Sam Demonstrates” that discusses this phenomenon.

I understand that this next part is as much about holding a vibration as it is about receiving this vibration’s gifts. And maybe being able to receive is the whole point. Having been conditioned to suspect and sniff around love, find fault with it and judge it unworthy, this too must change, to increase a life’s happiness.

And this receiving, it has nothing to do with worth. Nothing. It has to do with fit, with acceptance, with smiling and relaxing and letting good come, and not finding fault with it.

Taking the fall-back position of not only knowing I am a loving person, but that everyone I interact with is also loving. Some do things that make no sense, and they deny their great love, and so, they act badly, but they, too, are coming to me with love. Everyone is loving.

What a miracle! What a gift! What a change!

And now, I must get this published. I have things to do today. I need to show up. I want to participate.



Deeply Awake — Please Assume I Love You 12-6-13 By Kathy Vik

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Deeply Awake — Please Assume I Love You 12-6-13 By Kathy Vik

On old friend and I went shopping yesterday, and we had a lovely time. I am glad that we are enjoying each others’ company. While I was in transition, during the deepest time, I felt strangely disconnected and sort of perpetually hurt by my loved ones. I think, now, what was happening was a review, not of their behavior, god no, but of the relationships we’d fashioned thus far, the roles and lessons and all that.

It was the cauldron from which I could not lift my eyes that put everything I contemplated into a weird prism, multitudinous fractals, and it all got pretty intense. A smile was not a smile, it was a lifetime. A snub was not a snub, it was a statement of faith. Heady times through which my loved ones also walked, during my time of transition.

But things are clearer now, and I want to talk about it.

I shared with you my love of Jesus, and then, of course, the dam broke yet again, the structure which had previously pent-up my understandings burst, and now, grateful for my previous understandings, I am seeing things differently.

I bought a book at the bins called The journeys of St. Paul. It is an excellent history book, something I had always wanted but had never found. Wanting to know more about this time in history has been tricky.

In order to get at it, get the context and such, get the information, I went to a lot of different sources, and I can see that these were helpful and beautiful pilgrimages, but I had always been looking for something that would tie it all up together for me.

I studied this time as best I could. I read the bible, and I went to church, and tried to pay attention. I loved and integrated Jesus Christ Superstar. I took a year of Latin in college, after mainlining I, Claudius and all things Roman. But I did not have interest in the apostles, thought they were second fiddle to the main event, and so, there were huge gaps in my training, in my remembering.

This book, it has helped me, it’s helped me heal. I see now just how much of a revolutionary Jesus was. Understanding the dynamics of the political landscape was crucial, and I never pursued this sort of study before, because I found the whole thing cloaked in a good guys/bad guys sort of vibe.

I wanted to go someplace, a school, where I could learn Greek, Latin, and really GET the times. I considered seminary, but there again, to get to the good stuff, I would have to profess a faith, and I wasn’t up to that this lifetime. I didn’t like the faiths at hand. And mostly, that’s because they are male-dominated, aggressively proselytizing, and I have a real thing against proselyting.

Last night, after full immersion in this book, I went to bed and slept like the dead. Finally, after a couple weeks of ragged, red, restless sleep, I had a night of deep blue, velvety sleep. I awoke once, and I saw a lit up map in my mind. I saw it was a journey, but not to anywhere, not really, the destinations were unimportant. The map was lighting up things that needed to get done, people who needed to be spoken to, helped, and it was a map of my travels. I saw the destinations as a grouping of light, and I kept hearing the word proselytize.

This morning, when I returned to the book, I realize that I had been wrong about the apostles. They were doing what needed to be done in their historic times. The pushing out of the information, the stretching of consciousness, it had to be done in terms that would be understood, so all the talk of punishment and somebody croaking so that you could feel good about yourself, that was done so that people could stretch themselves further than they’d stretched before. Increments. Baby steps.

And now, things are stretching again. There are so many who are awakening, opening to new ideas, new thoughts that maybe just two weeks ago looked psychotic. Now, they come again into awareness, and they don’t seem so odd.

Why label this “Please Assume I Love You,” when I am going on and on and on about the old days, dusty days of creaky knowledge, and the gross misinterpretations we are now aware of as failing doctrine?

It has to do with the shopping trip I had with an old friend of mine. At one point we were talking about the inevitable circle jerk that is work in this day and age, the bosses knee deep in mommy and daddy issues, promotions of people who then request, and sometimes demand, to be taught how to manage, by the ones they are supposed to be managing. Just all the stupidity we see sometimes in the workplace.

She has a spectacularly dumb boss, one who is manipulative to boot. And she said about it, “I am just so tired of people assuming they know how I feel. No one has that right, and everybody does it.” Her boss had projected all kinds of weird motivation to my sister’s steady, strong performance in her job. It gets old. People assume a lot, and what they assume is nothing but their own crap.

And now, upon waking from another deep sleep, readying for work, I was aware, while coming to, burning up, and thinking, about a new facebook friend.

She had been tip-toeing and apologizing for something, I forget what, oh, for messaging me, and then I didn’t respond, so she was apologizing. I told her, messaged her, and said, listen up friend, here’s the deal with me. My friends get lots of room. There is no counting, no keeping score, and no obligation, ever ever ever to respond to anything, ever. Everyone I am in company with does as they see fit.

I wrote to her, feeling forceful and sure, hey, listen, there are times when, even if I wanted to, I am unable to respond. I have to “go away” sometimes, and if I don’t respond, it is not personal. Ever. It’s how I am.

And so, I also give that to others. No need to respond right away, or at all, really, to anything. Be free, grasshopper, be free.

And this, more than anything, is what has stuck with me.

Upon this last waking up, I had the dictation coming in very loud, and I could taste what I was going to write. An odd thing I have come to enjoy, feeling I can taste, or sensually comprehend, what is to be written next. This is a meal. A good one.

I realized, listening to the dictation, that I needed to write it out so that I could see it whole, because what I was saying to my friends, in my mind, I realize that this was, or I hoped was, being said by my creator toward me.

So here it is, my list of assumptions that I really really wish people would make about me.

Please assume that I love you. Please just assume that I love you. Please assume that I love you.

Please assume that I see you as strong, and capable, and a miracle. I see you as an active participant in your life events, and not a victim of them, so I can help you quite a lot with any problems you have, since everything you are aware of is coming from you. Let me help you carry your burden. Please let me show you that you can just put your burden down, at least when you are around me.

Please assume that I know of your pain, and have intimate knowledge of the things you wish you could hide from even yourself. And I love all of it. All the things you do in secret, the things you are ashamed of, I also have those things, and have learned to love them, and I love your worries and your shames, too.

Please assume that I am on your side. I want you to be exactly how you want to be. If you want to be sad, it’s ok, and if you want to celebrate, I’ll dance and sing and laugh with you. Please assume I don’t care how you feel, except how it relates to your awareness of yourself. If you want to be miserable, I still love you. I have to. I was loved through my misery. I know it is more valuable than gold, and more, it is the way of warriors, those who change worlds, to love that which is unlovable.

Please assume that I think good thoughts about you, and that I don’t want anything bad or mean or scary to happen to you. I don’t want you to suffer, not at all, and I want for you to call out for me when you are suffering. But know, with me, I will not assume you are feeling anything, you must tell me, so that I know what your awareness is. If I do not have that information, I will assume nothing. I will love you.

Please assume that I will never discard you, no matter what you do, or say, or think. Know, please, please know, that I love you. If you do something that is disturbing, unkind, thoughtless, and intentionally so, I will probably wind up talking to you about it, bringing it up, and I will probably find I had been lacking information and depth, compassion, but if I am having trouble with you, I will tell you this. If we aren’t having such a conversation, please please please know, just assume, I love you.

Please assume that I will help you, as best I can, when you ask for help. Understand that I know how important help is, it’s really what makes the whole thing go, these encounters and meetings of the heart. So, please, ask for help, would you>? Assume I will never ever make fun of you for needing assistance. Please don’t muzzle yourself when you need to speak, or bark, or bite. I can take care of myself.

Please assume that there is not one thing you have done, said or thought that I cannot forgive, forget and move from. Nothing. So, please assume a position of honesty with me. I will not hold you in shame, and I will not hate you for your littleness. I have littleness too. I ride around with ugly too, and I love it, as I love my shiny.

Please assume that you are my friend, and I want to know you. I want to be with you in your caves, the ones you have never found anyone to explore with. The ones you have yet to explore. Please assume I know how to mountain climb, and I like a good walk. I will walk with you up your mountain, and will feel nothing but awe and gratitude if you let me encounter the parts of you that have been unexplored.

Please assume that I see you as triumphant, and beautiful and brave, because I do. I really really do. Even if you are really hard to love, it just means that there’s stuff you have yet to love about yourself. I love it, I love you, you cannot surprise me.

Please assume that if I feel disappointment at your choices, I will keep this to myself, keep my own counsel, unless I just cannot, and then, we will talk about it. But know, going in, that I have come to understand that that which I cannot love is that which I am unable to understand. Once I can gain the right perspective, the beauty shines through.

Please assume that I am happy, and full, and satisfied, and that you are not in my life to fill me, or some void within me. You are not my savior, and I will never put you in that position. If I do, I’ll wind up realizing and then talking about it, so there you go. I know enough to see that when I cannot love something, it is me that is deficient, needing perspective. So assume that you are just fine.

And assume that when I say enough, it means enough. Please assume that what I tell you is true, and don’t read into what I have to say. Don’t read into what I do, too much. I am not that mysterious, and not good at messing about with perception. Please assume I need your honesty for this to work well.

And so, please assume that if you and I are incompatible as people, I will not keep myself or you within something that is painful or small or inappropriate. Assume that I will always think fondly of you, even if one or both of us screw up and lose the connection. It’s not a screw-up, it’s change. I see you, your role, it can be an adversarial one, and our relationship can be sad, or hard, or poignant. But I will come to see you with eyes of love, only with love. Assume I love you.

So, there you have it. I wonder, is my creator like that?

I think my creator is my best friend, completely allied with my happiness and actualization, and would never place me in an inappropriate situation. That is a laughable thought. I like to think of my soul, sometimes.

My love affair with Kryon began when I read a quite scientific treatise on quantum energy of his, but it was prefaced with a thought so profound that it made time stand still. I was at The Golden Lotus bookstore, looking at an old Sedona magazine, in the used section of the store. It was a channeling issue, and it was the first time that Kryon effected me physically.

I read, standing there at the magazine kiosk, and later, at home, again and again, the idea that there is a part of me here, right now, with me now, that has been with me in every single incarnation I have ever had.

A guardian, a holder of knowledge, a keeper of all things, someone or something that is here, physically present with me, who has been through every single thing I have ever encountered in a life.

This watcher, this friend, has great intelligence and such depth, there can be no hatred within it. It is too vast to do such a thing as hate, or fear. It is ancient and true, and knows me better than I do as this human. And it wants to talk.

Of course this is true, I knew it, I just knew it, and I felt better for the knowing.

I think on that day now, and I smile, thinking, “Oh, look at what I am opening myself to now!” as the reel plays in my head, in my heart.

It is this friend, I think, who holds the assumptions I do about my friends. Assume I love you. Assume I will never ever think a bad thought about you. Assume I am incapable of writing you off or being critical. Assume I love you. Assume I love you Assume I love you.

When I was first awakening this last time, I read something David Wilcock said in one of his long essays about The Man, and it set off gongs in me. He said, imagine a world where no one carries shame.

Imagine it! No one feels shame about themselves, and no one, by extension, is able to project shame onto anyone else. Imagine the freedom! Imagine the fun! Imagine the creativity!

I had a dream where I was surrounded by such people, and it healed me of something ancient and dark. I realized that I am constantly around those who are in shame, and project it like an IMAX camera. Being without it, even in the dream state, it became a reality, and I liked it.

I cannot heal up and make right what is within you that makes you feel ashamed. It’s not my path. But I can love you through your doing it for yourself. I can hold the light of neutrality and high regard. You have not done anything wrong. You are guiltless, and I know that, and I am just waiting for everybody to sort of catch up, at this point.

So, I am deliberately publishing this today to tell the world, this works for me, and it might feel good, if you wanted to try it on for size. I don’t own these thoughts, they were given to me, and I worked with them, because my forever friend wanted me to.

I think of my forever friend, my soul, as the one who helps things glide into place, who puts books and conversations and longings in me, and then I get to live them out, put them into context and even field test them. I have final say, as to how I hold myself, what I tell myself, and how I relate to my world and situations.

I end with a thought which is big and pretty.

While reading that book, this morning, I felt a quietness settle onto me. It felt good, complete, like a blanket which came over me. I had to rest. I was laying on my bed. I felt pushed into it. My eyes closed. I went away.

I came back needing to talk, out loud, alone in my apartment. I talked loudly, forcefully, and for all time. With great authority.

I realized that I have been unable to kick-start the 3d portion of my life (what job is next, nurse vs writer, blah blah blah), and realized, here it is.

I went far away, and things on the 3d side sort of slid off me as unimportant. I let things go, and this is loved into wholeness now because, rather than being pulled up into a spaceship or turning into a ball of light on a hill in a field, I did the work in physicality, in lesson. But I have been away, now, for a while.

I said, announced, that I understand now, and love and respect myself now, for this imbalance, and now, finally , I can right it.

That part of me that found it just couldn’t cope with mundane activities, and who was blown apart by simple interactions, who went deep when pondering an orange slice, or had conversations with trees, this was the part of me I had been loving, and I had done it to the exclusion of physicality. I could not abide with increments, with baby steps, with not having things whole.

And now, I said, loudly, from my bed, I understand that I have to change how I approach things.

I have ridden a weird roller coaster with money. And what I have done is to not have a baseline of solidity, or structure, of stability. Being stable, that has been something I have purposefully shied away from, me seeing it as a false construct, a delusion.

And now I see that playing it that what is optional. I see now that creating stability, creating a pattern, creating an environment and a life situation which is stable is the next thing. I have had my time away, and I am better for it. And now, I want to create stability.

So I will do a menu plan tonight. And write a grocery list. I will consider how to move things along a bit, because my life, in 3d terms, has been sort of static, allowing for internal journeys, not attending very much to the physical

I also realized the value in the trip I made to Vegas a year and a half ago. I had so little money, I lived on grapes and anxiety the whole time, but I got it, I really did, that this life is about DELIGHT. Do that which delights in this moment, and this one, and this one. DELIGHT. And I did it on a shoestring.

So, I will now do that in this life. Sure, I have tried, and failed, repeatedly, to do this these last couple years, but now, it seems to be possible. I realized this, on my bed, talking loudly to myself, and said, “How I am currently interpreting life is not commensurate with my magnificence. I will now do the physical things that are commensurate with my magnificence. I will delight myself once again.”

So I close with that, because I think that this part of me who has all the answers, has been with me every time, every time I have been incarnate, this part of me is now not standing next to me whispering at me. I feel, through the last bit of time, that what has been happening is that this part of me now is seeing through my physical eyeballs sometimes, and I feel this part of me not to my right or to my left, but within me, part of me, as me.

I can remember a lovely afternoon when I took my son to Utah Pool in Aurora. I was in the kiddy pool, floating on my back, looking up at the huge beams high above. As I drifted, I saw that I was going to slowly move tot he very center, the very very center, of the structure. I felt anticipation, and excitement, floating there, drifting, watching. I felt uncharacteristically excited.

And I heard them say that it is good to see through my eyes, to be seeing through this face, to be alive in this way.

It was a fleeting thing, but I think it is the way of it.

So I like the idea of the watcher being me, me being the watcher. As I burn off the flimsy explanations for people’s behavior, and my own, and as I burn off the expectations that flimsy thinking creates, I am left only with this grand assumption, that I am loved, and that everyone around me is also worthy and capable of this love.

Is that proselytizing, or is that just one of the destinations on my lit up map? Is it just a place I visit, and then, when I look back at my travels, I can remember what it was like being there, and can call to me the wonder and awe I felt when seeing these vistas for the very first time.

I love you, and I want you to assume this. I want you to just allow me to love you, and to love, accept, permit, enjoy, allow allow allow this for yourselves. I will remind you of it, when needed, never to shame, only to comfort.

Assume I love you. Please.