A concise, enjoyable, accessible and deep talk on what these energies have been like to live, and how I have understood, ridden and mined them, my gift to you today. I hope you enjoy.
Deeply Awake — On Channeling And Finished Business 4-18-14 By Kathy Vik
Today is a ”2” day, fitting for this message, appropriate for the discussion at hand.
This is a new book, to discuss these new times and our new freedom. I have spent a lifetime looking back, trying to make sense of it all, and now, as the fog clears, I am seeing things as they are, it feels to me, for the first time.
I’d understood at first that this new book would have a different rhythm, with channeling taking more space, a one for one deal, one essay on application, then a channeling, that sort of thing.
As I was thinking about this new format, I turned on the tv one night and channel surfed. I stumbled onto a program about the keepers of the knowledge of Ayahuasca. These mystics have, sort of as their day job, traveling to other realms and having discussions with beings, becoming knowledgeable in, basically, esoterics, but to support the clan, they are herbalists and healers. Theirs is to gather plants, treat illnesses, and dispense wisdom when they’re not in channel.
I watched that and, do you ever need to hit the pause on your clicker because something just knocked you sideways, inside?
I felt that way with this new information. The stilled image of a beautiful brown man in feathers and skin flickered in my living room as I let time stop, and let this understanding sink into me.
How much different am I from them?
How much different are you from them?
How many of us feel it is our duty, somehow, to always be pushing this internal limit we have within, always seeking, and once in a while, now more than ever, finding that which we seek.
In meditation, in trance, in prayer, while creating art, in motion, while driving. And how many of us have jobs that are well suited to a part of us we know well, in service to others, always in service to others.
It is nearly time to disregard how things used to be, but when I bring it up it is not to lament or boast. It is to remind myself of what I, what we, have all, at last, endured, outlived, outlasted.
The best example I have for this is one day last week, near the end of an energetic healing of some sort at work (it’s been intense, everybody feels it and comments on it anymore), I was in contemplation, and I could feel myself alone, in the ocean, and I could feel the proportions, and the salt, how it was affecting me, and I felt the stillness and the vastness.
I felt wet, and the bobbing, and could hear the lapping, the bobbing, the lapping. I looked up and saw thin, stringy clouds. No bird flew. Just the lapping, the color, the impossibility of this. And I smiled and laughed and inside I knew, I rejoiced in knowing, This I Understand.
I then wanted to understand more, so I felt myself the mountain I so love. I looked out on a breathtaking view, sun and valley and earth and sky, and I was an amethyst cave, glittering and knowing in ways unarticulatable but sensed, and I realized in celebration, yet again, This I Understand.
It went on, and it was graphic in its beauty and truth. And then I settled my consciousness upon the place I work, all the little dramas and all the silliness borne of misunderstanding and silly egoic constructs, and I realized, just plain as day, This I Just Don’t Understand.
I laughed again, and I celebrated again.
I let myself off the hook. I know that what I have always brought to everyone, and God bless them, to everyone I have ever worked with, is a sort of accelerant energy. This is nothing I try to do, and in fact, there were blocks of time, years, sometimes (my most miserable) when I was self-conscious, and believed myself a horrible energetic inconvenience to everyone.
I hid it, and by so doing, became a bit warped and unhappy. I am my happiest when I am around those who don’t mind being nudged now and then, and who are fearless, in some ways, because I am direct, and I try so hard not to be, but there it is.
I find myself saying and doing things at work, having these massively clever and workable and sound ideas at work, and I look at it perplexed and a little embarrassed. I really am not like that, when in my retiring mode.
I am funny, and irreverent, and I take very little seriously. Some other thing comes out of me at work, a sort of moral, serious, playful yet respectful, and very old-fashioned, very prudish person comes out, when finally allowed to just be me. I have to keep a reign on this. I find myself acting in grumpy, stick-in-the-mud ways that just surprise me. I inevitably apologize later.
Anymore, I am not really sure when I am channeling and when I am not. I see the changes for the better that people are commenting on, at work, and know there have been people who feel happy I am there, and I think that maybe these unexpected, seemingly out of character things I say and do might be channeling.
I know I prefer to be in meditation and awake, I prefer to be half in and half out, but thinking on this possibility, I am able to keep a better focus on the physical, and really enjoy it more.
However, I am often, now, taken to puzzling over the nature of matter, that matter is consciousness, and it is all very real and engrossing when we are “awake,” and there is no refuting our bodies are chemically, electromagnetically organic creations, so how is this possible.
Air and water, earth and sky have consciousness. My cells have consciousness, and it is my DNA fueling the whole experience. What is this connection point. I want to know more. And I think this as I spoon Iced Tea into a favorite patient of mine, as I do my documents for the class I am organizing, as I smoke.
But, I think this is a subject for another day. I have long had another puzzle, one which also applies to the subject matter at hand.
I know that being physical is not the only game in town. That’s pretty obvious. I mean, if you want to go the ghost route, fine. Seances, UFO’s, NWO/Illuminati stuff, angels, crystals, drumming, chanting, praying, hiking, working, there are so many ways to get there, it really just doesn’t matter how it’s done.
Much, you discover, validates the other information you are gathering, and, at least for me, it was this synthesis, fused with an internal compass, that led me to this other world.
Like you, I’m sure, I have always had the ability to focus elsewhere. I had a teacher who helped me focus this innate trance state, and verified my sight, and gave me prophecies for my life.
I thought she was great, but way, way off with my life, the events she saw when I was in my teens. All of them came to pass, except one. I’m still waiting on that one. Trance, hypnosis, guided meditation, these are things that came naturally for me, and I took to them like they were a life raft.
In a culture which relegates intuition to a female trait, and female traits are less valuable, at best, and subject to justified ridicule, at worst, how does one fit in when there is this split, this other-worldly quality, the knowing that there is more, much more, than what is in front of you?
The world did not bend, not one iota for us, usually. Sure, we have magic, many of us can play with weather and have had mysterious, amazing synchronicities in our lives, but really, it is just recently that I sense a shift in all of this.
It gets me back to this sensation I had, that I just don’t understand this. The earth, I get that. I just don’t get all the nonsense, all the self-inflicted nonsense. And yet, in my day, I have participated in all of it. But, even a taste of some of it turns the countenance sour. Speaking about another unkindly. Saying, “I hate….” Swearing. Getting angry when there is a very inconvenient and difficult change in plans. Being disappointed, and voicing that disappointment. Thinking unkind, mean thoughts or cursing people in my mind.
These things may seem innocent, but when I engage in them, my discomfort is so acute, I can hardly breathe. I am on a bed of nails until I make it right.
I had a similar experience about twenty years ago with a group called The Teachers. They had told me that there will come a time when nothing can be hidden. They admonished me to prepare for such a time by focusing on living in impeccability to self, in all honesty, deep honesty, and to find the benevolence, the story of mercy, within any happening, especially any so called tragedy.
They said there would come a time when everyone could talk to everyone, and nothing could be hidden. Institutions would fall, anything not in integrity would fall. Same message Kryon was delivering, at roughly the same time. Funny, the parallels.
But their message was deeply personal: do not live in shame. Live in alignment with yourself.
They told me there would come a time when dishonesty, telling a lie would become very uncomfortable, and then, impossible. And it did. And here it comes again, but now with behavior in a group, in real time, on the fly.
My work trauma comes from not being able to consistently practice at the highest level, in good humor, wisely, kindly. My unkindness bothers me, haunts me. Always has. It feels good to write these words, to acknowledge this process.
I wonder if I am able and willing to channel at work because I see the work as divine, and I feel so good, so pure, so happy and whole, around sick people. I feel so good. I am in heaven when I can go visit my friends in the wheelchairs. I love them like no other beings here. Even the cranky ones.
And so, in contrast with the almost otherworldly high I have when I am around my patients, I see the bitterness and small thinking of the staff, the decisions they make that self-preserve and how they hide what they are convinced are fatal flaws. I see management not being thoughtful and respectful toward the ones who are doing the job, and the workers thinking they deserve that sort of treatment. It is quite odd to me, sometimes, how we have chosen to relate to one another. And then I feel a little alien, so I get my hands dirty, do a gross job, a tedious one, and try to relate as a human being yet again.
That is what it is like for me, and this is a stress I gladly gave up for two years, when I did shift work instead, and stayed away from work groups. Is what I do a form of channeling? Is it a psychosis? Is it melding spirit and flesh during certain activities, and not being able to at others? Is it just trying to be a decent person regardless of circumstance? Does it matter a lot to you what the answer is?
I have noticed my senses have gotten more acute.
One day in a morning meeting, as all the sleepy department heads gathered around a big table, I had a thought. I eased back in my chair and realized I loved these people very very much. I thought that each of them came from homes, all decorated differently, and outside of this context, they are having other grand adventures, with other people, hobbies, children. I could feel everyone beginning to glow in my imagination, as they began to expand in love, and the light came. Everyone was glowing, big and pretty, and so in love with everything.
And then, I could feel the Teachers beside me, reminding me of what they told me long ago, “Be the open heart in the room. Just be that.” And so I leaned back a bit more, and just loved on everybody. I could feel the patterns, sense the feedback, the communicative noise that settles on us all like a blanket, some more than others, and the problematic patterns block out good, block this light, block the flow. And then I could see how that’s all this is. All of us have different patterns of communication, different expectations, based on our beliefs and experience, mostly. So much of work life is old mommy and daddy issues, mainly.
I could see this patterned, sort of darkening stuff, and heard “overlays”, as these glowing beings got more and more dense, believing more and more and more that this is it, this is all just life and death, it’s this or oblivion. I began to hear fear thoughts and sense anxieties. I could hear stuff going on in the room again.
I thought, this sort of overlay, this old thinking, the despair thinking, the disconnection with source, it lays on people and makes them act in unusual and unpredictable ways. They hold grudges on things that are odd, create and then lament chaos, and on it goes. They are growing, learning. My sister sees it too. We are in similar positions, many of us. Maybe not wiser or older, but, with this change in energy has come a lightening, a quickening, an ease, I feel.
When I was waking up full-on, a couple years ago, what really shocked the most, and still does, sometimes, though now it doesn’t sting anymore, but, people really are hesitant about being loved. They are not very accepting of it, sometimes. They don’t believe the honor, the love, the acceptance and joy I feel for them, when I feel it, sometimes. Even simple kindnesses are often turned away, invitations not accepted, the turning away, I have called it.
So it has been my task to figure out what I might be doing to make people resistant to being loved. It’s easy to self-reference. But the more I see, the more I think that each of us has blocks to this inner sanctuary, this inner love and respect and adoration and trust, from which all else flows. If we think someone else has control of our good, or can see good in us that we don’t know unless they are around, then we are perpetual victims, perpetually afraid, in lack, willing to shrink.
From self-acceptance, letting yourself off the hook, from this all good comes, but, you see, there are many different levels to this work.
The sort of self-acceptance I am talking about is the willingness to see your adversary as someone you called to you, a great teacher, a fierce warrior playacting a role you devised to give you some piece of the puzzle. This seeming enemy, a friend, in reality, pushes you, changes circumstances in your life, allows for the interplay of will and ability, love and mercy, self-acceptance and self-knowledge. And you come to see that it can be no other way: far from a source of problems, you are vital, this is your creation, you have a hand in how this goes.
Created and devised at night, and parallel to us, the manifestation, the argument or dissonance or challenge comes up, and, at least for me, now, it is in my split-second reaction that I am focusing. I am seeing the sloppiness, I am seeing my momentary blips into self-pity, rage, embarrassment, futility, and even though these were states I used to occupy full time, now, just those blips are uncomfortable. Is this channeling? Is this a meld? I think it’s just being entangled
As I saw these beautiful glowing beings I work with and saw their patterning, their leanings and usual set of assumptions, but this is hard to language, everything was in a state of acceptance and awe and benevolence, mind you. Without a speck of judgment. It was a relief to not feel it. The stuff I called darkness earlier is more like patterns, shadow and light, duality, maybe.
I understood that each of is this glowing stuff, this diamond brilliance, and we choose these patterns, to challenge them, to finish the business at hand and get on to loving and trusting, creating and playing, having thrown out the whole concept of risk. There is only risk when there are critics in the room.
So, I’m seeing this light show, looking like I need coffee, probably, and no one knows. I am just another cog in a rickety machine, it appears to some, long in tooth and grey in hair. This is one more way those tribesmen have it over me, personally, at this stage of my development. They have each other to hug and pat on the back and scout with while for roots.
But, we have the internet. I have this writing. And I have you. And you, is it not clear, is it not obvious, you have me. I am in your hands. I offer my self to you in all honor, for this work I feel compelled to do is meaningless somehow without you there, reading it. Thank you, now and evermore. You are an ever friend, though we never meet.
So, that morning, I am hearing, “Be the open heart in the room,” and it dawns on me, there is going to come a day when I’m not the only one doing it. Won’t that be a treat!
That afternoon, one of the nurses gave me a copy of the Buddhist chants she contemplates while on smoke breaks. We exchanged deep thoughts, and agreed it would be good to go to Kirtan together.
This is the humor of the universe, chuckling and shaking its wise, mischievous, gentle head. You are not alone, silly girl. Look around you. Stop that nonsense, and go have some fun!
I know I am just one of an army of individuals going through similar things. It has never been mine to take to the page and tell you what I think in anything but personal terms. To me, it seemed the only honest way to proceed. I have used my waking life, friends and work and family, home and financial life, all labs, of sorts, When I go off, intrepid, testing out the hypotheses I get when in contemplation, while driving, while showering.
I am seeing in the daily lab of my physical life which things, which thoughts, constructs, belief structures, hold up, and which fall away. It has been a speedy process here lately, and I like how things are integrating. Everything is a little less slippery and elusive now.
Somehow seeing those tribesmen, seeing that their task is to help the villagers heal, in exchange for an uncompromising freedom, I felt a recognition and a settling of purpose. That is exactly what I have.
To close, I will tell you that I picked up a book on Philosophy. I had an amazing experience in college, when I was tasked with learning about Aristotle. I delivered what, in retrospect, was a surprising and complex work on Aristotelian thought in literature and how this relates to universal human experience, and how the two validate each other.
I had a fugue while researching and writing, a delicious one, and I have no doubt that I was touching on old lives, dear times, expansive times.
Reading this picture book on philosophy is like reading about brothers. I don’t feel alien at all when I read about these guys, walking around arguing about the meaning of life, thinking up questions others just don’t.
Watching Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos is another such experience. It’s as if my heart just eases, I can breathe more deeply, and all this calm floods me. Ahhh, something I understand. I can always hear, in the background, especially with Cosmos “You’re not going far enough. Go farther. Go farther,” and watching traditional science shows fills me with a weird, low grade soul panic, a frustration that they just don’t have it yet, but still, he’ll hit just the right note, say just the right thing,and I am flying, free, remembering the truth of things, my own narrator filling in on what they don’t yet know.
This life is a spiral, and I am encountering now what I encountered 20 years ago, but so vastly different, here in a different capacity now, but here as a student of self. I discovered Sheldrake then, meditation, channeling that was very pure, integration of spirit in daily life. And it is all happening again. It’s nice to be on familiar ground again.
I have laid to rest the worries I once had about The Others. This is a planet of free choice. Everyone can do as they see fit. I will do as I see fit. I am no one’s keeper, and no one is my keeper. Not anymore.
I know economic madness still reigns, we all know we put pervs and thieves and murderers in charge, and that we have really fouled our nest, but, so what, now that the lights have come up, we can clean house that much better.
I see this as a time of fine-tuning, of completed business, of review and closure and completion. Timelines closing, by choice, by synchronicity’s mystical hand, a hand we still fail to recognize as our own.
I know there are things I can access through channeling that I do not have access to when here, like this, at the keyboard. I really did not know its validity, at least for me, until I re-read “No Longer Applicable” the other day.
It was just uncanny.
Future self, higher self, whatever it is called, I like going there, I trust the messages, at least for me, and I think it is a valid pursuit, since channeling quickens the pace of physical reality, and quickens the synchronicity. It is fun to chronicle it all. It’s sort of my job.
And so, yes, I will do a one for one thing, and the next entry will be a channeling. Who knows about what. If you have questions or topics you want to know about, PM or email me.
All blessings on, in, and through you this day and every day.
Deeply Awake — Better Now 1-20-14 By Kathy Vik
Collective Soul does a song, “Better Now,” and I have hugged trees to it, driven while speeding, and cleaned the house to it. There aren’t too many words to it, so I’m going to write them here.
Oh, I’m newly calibrated
All shiny and clean
I’m your recent adaptation
Time to redefine me
Let the word out, I’ve got to get out,
Oh I’m feeling better now
Oh, I’m happy as Christmas
All wrapped to be seen
I’m your recent acquisition,
Time to celebrate me
The world is done shakin’, the world’s done shakin’, the world’s done shakin’ me down…
And because that’s how I have been feeling here lately, I thought I’d start out by quoting my favorite band. Once I am done here, I intend to go buy, and then drink, some whiskey, and I’m going to watch the rest of Grey’s Anatomy, and will, at some point, wind up in a warm, scented bath. The world’s done shaking me down.
Of course, after the trips I have had, I understand a little better than this “world” doing all the shaking down of people is nothing more, in the end, than my perception of the world, and getting shaken down is not the end of the world, so to speak.
This brings me to the miracle I have been wanting to tell you about, since it happened to me, Sunday morning.
I woke up feeling, almost immediately, sort of sick inside for having written what I wrote last. I had a long list of reasons to feel all sorts of awful about it, and then, just as strong and pure as you please, something happened.
I realized, sitting there emoting, sitting up in my bed, feeling that odd mixture of terror and doom that I get when I feel I have exposed myself inappropriately, and inexpertly, I realized just a few things, in rapid succession, and had no argument to any of these new thoughts.
I guess I am equivocating because the thoughts themselves seem to be so obvious, and so well worn for me, that to admit that I just did not GET them until Sunday morning is a little embarrassing, all on its own.
I heard/understood and then really, really got, believed, accepted, the following: It really is ok if I wrote eleven pages of sheer crap yesterday. It really, really, really is ok. Because hardly anyone reads me anyway, (A), and B, who gives a shit if anyone, me included, likes it one little bit. So what? So what?
And with that, it was as if years of self-reproach just sort of peeled off of me. To say there was a before and an after moment would be shockingly accurate. And, once I was in the other camp, looking back on my fear and belief in karmic punishment, and taking myself oh-so-seriously, I felt new, and I felt better than just better, now.
I have written about it before, how you can read the same language, parrot it, even, and until it just gets in, until it sinks in, really really sinks in, it’s different, than when you finally get it.
It’s like math, or any other thing that one must pursue doggedly, see repeated often, and feel so allied to that even though the questions and refutations still keep active within, after that moment of grace, when everything can be accepted, it’s just a concept, or something someone else says that fires you up.
It has always been that way for me when I have worked with teachers, and books, they are my teachers too. Gurus, I have, I guess, had them, although I consider them my higher self in someone else’s bio-suit, but books, even movies, they can all be teachers.
I surrounded myself, these last couple of years, with the things which always made sense to me, even when they made sense to no one in my tribe. I kept my head down and wrote about the things that came to mind, and I chronicled my meditations and hallucinations, and felt, very early on, that even though I could get into an argument about it all, the bottom line is that I had found something that spoke to me that was left lonely by the thoughts and activities others pursue as if they are life and death. For me, understanding God was life and death, understanding myself was life and death, and finding peace was the only option open to me.
How does one love the unlovable, the unloving, the cruel? How does one find courage in the face of social death? How does one find peace when there is no peace anywhere? How does one stop feeling lonely, when alone or with a group of friends? Do I fit in? Am I accepted? Do I have a right to be here? How did this all come about?
And on the questions went, on the adventure went, and I followed the clues that came to me, and found, bit by bit, that even if no one else ever understood the things I did, at least I was beginning to see some sense, for me, always just for me, because finding these truths tended to really alienate people from me, did for a long time.
But something happened about a week ago. The energy just was different. I woke up one day, and everything just felt different.
Like other times in my life, this new chapter has its own feeling state, its one body state, and with it comes smells, and scenes, and things I know are real, but just haven’t shown up yet. And that is a far cry from where I once was, groping, hoping, feeling absolutely lost and found all at once. Deconstructed, I was, have been, for a long time.
And then that morning, just a week ago, I felt a sturdiness in the air. I think, on my facebook feed, I said that everything just feels more REAL.
That sense has not abated. It’s not wishful thinking, that things have changed, or are gonna change. They have changed, and now I am in something altogether new.
And so, then, in the morning a couple days later, when it was simple and obvious, that feeling all those old feelings of self-doubt, recrimination, blame, shame, all of it, it all seemed like a time consuming and technicolor exercise I no longer had to engage in, I got up off my bed, and got into the shower.
This is new. This understanding that I can, I really, really can, dangle on any cross I want to, there are so many to choose from, but, today, nah, I think I’ll just walk, well, that was a day for the books.
I think what is important, for me, is to remember that things are problems until they aren’t, for me. Whether this is due to a cumulative learning style, or whether it’s me, intuiting energetic changes far before they are obvious, I don’t know. And I do know that there are many who have never felt a need to wrestle with any of the things I have, and so they may see no merit in the struggle and no joy in its end, but, for me anymore, I am not interested in comparing my road with anybody else’s.
And I remain totally disinterested in doing anything but sharing my patch of road with you in this way. It’s not mine to tell you how to do things. It’s mine to figure out how to do things, just for me, for my own well-being, and then, if you want to ask me a few questions, well, then, we are going to have a wonderful talk.
I will tell you, without divulging too much, that these miracles started before the delivery date, so to speak. I experienced, last week, a massive healing, over lunch, and the peace I feel from those hours still calms me, and makes me smile.
An ancient trouble was forgiven on that day, forgotten, really, and left to die under the table. An afterthought.
Two great souls got out of their skins, out of their stories, and I was given such love, such honor, such love, and I really really needed it, but just from this one person. It was a thorn I have had in my paw for decades, and it was taken out with love, patience, humor, recognition, by a very dear friend, someone I’d lost hope I’d be able to refer to, truly, as friend, this lifetime.
And so, I remain unconvinced that all th work I have done has been for naught. I used to think this scribbling was unimportant, sometimes, and narcissistic, and without real purpose. I was wrong, though, about all of that. I know that now.
I have been great at shrinking from the world and its obligations, and there is still a lot about how people behave that I just don’t get, but I guess what has happened is a critical mass has been met inside me, and what was once conjecture, what was once a pristine and beautiful belief structure that I knew to be true but had been, I’d felt, untested, is now working, gloriously working, pumping to me things I understand, events I have prayed for, and feeling states I have longed a lifetime to own, embody, not just know about or agree with but be.
The feeling states are simple ones. That I am fine just as I am, and no one can really be my judge. That there are very few people I meet with an inner authority like mine, and for years I doused my authority because I couldn’t feel any resonance at all. That the things I feel the most ashamed about are just as beautiful as the things I feel great pride in, and there is just no need to hate myself, or to be depressed.
Imagine, understanding that, no matter what, I will never be depressed for long, that I will always, now, find that center from which the narration, the dictation comes, and I really am ok. Hours and hours go by now, and I realize, sometimes, there is just not one thing to worry about.
That is what , I think, that morning miracle was all about. I realized in a flash that I really could go down the rabbit hole and start worrying and hating myself and fearing, but I didn’t have to, not anymore, and I was serving no one’s interested by engaging in that thinking. And so, I listened to the sense I heard being made in my head, and I went a different route, one which is lighter.
And that’s how I feel. I feel lighter, my mood has lightened, my thinking has too, and so have my sights.
There is a trust which comes from having abandoned all hope to finding a home here on earth, among people. There is a trust which has settled into me which has, now that I look over it all, comes from incrementally walking from everything which did not feel tolerable, true or beautiful, and going a different route altogether. One no one, at the time, understood or respected. But I did. And I pursued my interests just as I have anything which matters to me, at the near exclusion of everything else.
But to solve my Existential Depression, to solve the issue of my soul, to solve the riddles which The Teachers whispered to me all those years ago, it was worth the dogged pursuit, it was worth what I gave up. All of it has been worth it.
And so, the feeling at hand is that of the world opening up, but it being a cooperative opening, not the pinata feel I have had when things have gotten good in my life. This is like walking on a path so much that, one day, you see you have made grooves, and where once there was wilderness is now a very clearly defined road.
I know I am not the only one, and hence, the writing, but I know that I am feeling some of this because the grids themselves have changed. There has been a loosening or a shifting, and things are just easier now, it’s easier to think clearly, and somehow, now when I anticipate the outcome of this or that little drama, I feel less ambivalence, knowing how things feel like they’ll play out. That’s a big part to being psychic, I think, if it still can be called that.
But this is different than simple projection of consciousness onto a probability field. This is something different. It is knowing that I am having a hand in whatever is happening, and loving myself enough to love what is in front of me, accept it and learn from it, and do my best to speak clearly, speak from my heart, modulate myself, help others, but still feel intact.
And this opening I sense I think you might also be sensing, because this too is a cooperative thing. We have done this together, and, sure, it might be when we are asleep, and we may be consciously aware of just a little sliver of all of it, but liking this sliver, accepting it and loving it and finding it precious, this has been a big leap, and one we are making cooperatively.
I have heard it said that these years are about support. I have had visions of my books on the bookshelf of my next mom, and I have not one doubt that living in peace and tolerance and celebration of differences, and being surrounded by people who do not engage in shame or tempers or insecure behavior is what is to happen to us as a people, still, when the wolves are howling and things look bleak, it is hard to think that positive thinking is anything but a narcissistic reaction to an appropriate situation in which to hate oneself. I know what we have all done, and I can just now begin to feel that we have broken the back of the monster that used to keep us up all night, afraid to sleep, afraid to pee, afraid to ask for help.
I’ll tell you, to close this little love letter, one thought which I find myself having whether I go looking for it or not, and am always glad to find it has been trotting along with me this whole time. It is that things just never have to get that bad again. Ever.
So, in the spirit of this thought, with good news keeping me awake today, while I should have been napping in preparation for work, I will l tell you more of my new vows.
I made vows a while back, wrote a nice essay about them. But I began to realize today that the vows I took, that I held sacred through so many lifetimes, they were not just vows. I think of my new ones, and I always say, “I am” in front of them, but I had not done with that with the old vows. I tried it on for size, and saw the spines of these four vows snap like twigs.
I had taken the vow of poverty, many times, deeply and with great pride, I might add. But I didn’t realise until this afternoon that I had sort of taken to embodying this, and all, my old vows.
I understood how cellular a sacred vow is, an agreement I made with my soul, one which I took all care in preserving, knowing what was at stake. I am now released from this, my sacred vow of poverty.
I am no longer poor. Instead, I am the Fat Farmer. I have created fields upon fields of abundance, co-created, knowing I am integral in their harvest, and I take the best of it all, and I give freely to all others who want or need nourishment. But I feed myself first. I am a fat farmer.
And this vow of knowing, really really knowing darkness, I also revoke this vow. The vow every poet makes to his muse, the vow every nurse, doctor, clergy person or confessor takes, that of knowing the dark so thoroughly that you can write songs about it that break people’s hearts, I relinquish this. Instead, I am The Love Puzzler.
I will see darkness, and I know darkness, can feel it and can see it, but it is becoming so plain to me as to look comical, a lot of the time, and it no longer is my best friend. I think that I had to bed it and wed it to really get to the place in my soul where I could come to see that it is not mine, it’s not personal, and it is just a function of the reality set up.
There is a breaking through the darkness, and what is waiting for us is love. How rape, abortion, abandonment, betrayal, lying, all these things are part of a puzzle of love, and if you look hard enough, softly enough, benevolently enough, each and every horrific thing that can occur is just loaded with love.
A bursting through has happened for me, and this darkness is just not something I own anymore. It is a traveler, it is something to be aware of, but owning it as mine, wearing it like skin, I just don’t need to, or want to, do that anymore. I am a love puzzler.
And so, this brings me to the third vow, the one I took time and time and time again, that of chastity, of separation and aloneness and feeling like an alien. The agreement I had with my soul that I could just stay apart, that’s how everyone wants it, and it’s how it has to be…
The vow of chastity, that I am chaste, is long gone. I have ample proof that I have lived neither a chaste nor a temperate life, but still, the core of me, when the work had to get done, insisted on feeling all alone. And so, I take instead the vow of the Supreme Hedonist, and I think this is the one I want to focus on tonight, because it feels so damn good.
To not feel worry, to not fear, to be glad, and to have absolutely nothing to pin the gladness on, but there it is, spinning in the middle of the room, broadcasting good cheer, for no reason at all.
I am The Supreme Hedonist, and I may light incense, put on a long youtube of “Om” chanting, take a bath and unwind, so might I pour a finger of whiskey, and ease into that tub with a smoke in my mouth and KBCO playing as loud as my phone can. There are so many ways, as a supreme hedonist, I might spend those hours, but “what” moves into irrelevance as “how” gains prominence, tonight, all days, always..
The part of me who felt a need to elevate things by remembering how dark it is here, oh, those vows are old, and they no longer pertain. Physics itself has realigned to make hedonism a viable lifestyle. And so, I am the supreme hedonist.
And so, to close, I give you my fourth vow.
I thought for a long time that the rules others had for me, their expectations and the way they did things, that they were right and there could be no arguing with such a pushy force. I took the vow of powerlessness, the vow of obedience to others. And I obeyed myself, but really this only happened the last couple of years so blazingly, but this vow of obedience to others, this is what I am breaking to bits now.
I am The Queen, Sovereign. I am sovereign in my reality, no one else. What has to be given up to achieve it? To achieve abundance, I lay down the vow of poverty. To achieve inner balance, I lay down the vow of dark poet, and to achieve pleasure, I had to lay down the vow of chastity. But this one, sovereign, what must I lay down to achieve the embodiment of it?
I think it is blind obedience I must lay down, and questioning everything, including my own thinking, which led me to these particularly warm and fragrant waters. And this is no small thing, relinquishing anything that looked like sense, and going my own way, letting that which is within me, bigger than me, loving me, to lead me home.
When I worked with The Teachers, although we focused a lot of our time on ascension, I never really could bring into my understanding that I was in training for this lifetime. I held it at bay, thinking that it would be in the next lifetime, or some other lifetime, when things were sweeter and people were easier to work with. But no, I was wrong about that.
Ascension is now. It is now. And it can be called all manner of things, I just don’t care about the verbiage, it’s what is being described which is key.
I have heard it said that big souls cannot come into the body all at once, and as a person ages, then, more and more of the soul can come to inhabit the physical form. If a soul were to inhabit a body all at once, it would pop, blink out of existence. And so, when all is said and done, I think of ascension like that.
There is much we cannot yet see, hear, smell, taste, but all of us, or most of us, can feel it, and many can admit to feeling it. There is something else that is guiding all of it. Ascension, for me, is embodying so much of my soul, being able to hold so much of it physically, that even simple physics bends to my consciousness.
Peace, bliss, nirvana, DNA activation, there are lots of names for it. But it is becoming a friend to one’s soul, and letting the amnesia, and the blind spots just be, smiling at the dark and whistling, knowing that when the lights come on, I’ll see that the only thing that ever was there was the dark, no monster, no punishment, no cruel twists of fate. Just the dark.
The lights are on now, and I know I am not the only one feeling this. I know, have evidence to support the knowing, that things never have to get as bad as they were, and that things are steadily, now, in a state of improving.
We are doing this together, all of us, and we, I think, deserve each others’ love and respect. Sure there are levels of growth and maturity, sure, but all of it fades when we, individually and with much thanksgiving, begin to realize it really does begin and end in our own skins, in our own minds, and our thoughts are a vast engine in all of this.
Thinking clearly, seeing things as I now do, has made me feel all better, and I really do hope that you, too, are feeling better, now.
An intimate, friendly, insightful and astoundingly loving video describing the experiences I have most recently had, which I have understood are part of “restructuring” I have recently undergone.
An easygoing, understandable and joyous discussion of changes, of improvements, of energetic evolution and ascension-in-action.
It seems a swell of energy has been overcome, a sensation and knowing that I am seeing reflected in the blogosphere, and this is my heartfelt discussion of these energetic realities.
A song which celebrates change, and paints beautiful images which speak of self-empowerment, self-worth, and the benevolent outcomes I am now witnessing in my life and the lives of those around me. I sincerely hope you too are enjoying these fascinating times.
We are all simply learning new skills riding the waves. Some of us are new to it, some have been wave-riding for a while, but we must never forget that this energy is new for ALL who are incarnate now, so it’s a new experience for all, these waves.
Further, let’s remember that an adept is an adept, regardless of age, circumstance or even native desire. It may start surprising some, this new information and experience.
It matters not where you are, or think you are, on your spiritual path. If you have some time, someone who loves to talk about spiritual things in a fresh way wants to bend your ear about ascension. She hopes you enjoy these times, and this video, as much as she is.