Deeply Awake — The Cure For My Existential Depression 1-18-14 By Kathy Vik



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I had an extraordinary day with my sister, and at the end of it, we were talking about kids, and ourselves and stuff, and I mentioned an article I read recently on Existential depression, and that it’s I think what a lot of people are grappling with, kids and adults, all in their own way, but some more acutely than others.

As I read it, I thought, well, good god, I could have just posted this on my facebook feed everyday for the last however long it was when it was the worst, and now things are adding up for me, but, this is so ME. Ugh. It felt good, just like it feels good anytime anyone else peeks out at you and says, “Hey, over here! I’m the EXACT SAME WAY! Isn’t that weird?!”

And like when I read my astrology chart, the long version, and the Human design thing, just BAM, there you go, and there I am, staring up at myself form the page, very objective, some of it very compassionate, and all of it feeling like more and more pieces fall into place.

Answers showing up in perfect synchronicity, and the trust remains absolute, always absolute. I am not moving counter anything. I am on purpose now. And how does one get from being in the dumps, and just on fire with despair all the time, to here, where things are, at the worst, bearable?

For me, it came down to quantum physics. Understanding just how valid my baseline experience has been has been freeing, in and of itself. Knowing there are others just as thirsty for the most vivid, accurate, true, and pure understandings about how things were, what is going on now, and where we are headed.

I had a bit of a vision yesterday. I imagined, and keep having dreams, about being in the audience of a live play. And this meditation it felt like the lights were not completely out. I kept seeing movement and candlelight backstage, and could hear “shh’s” and footsteps. And I get the feeling of anticipation.

And then, I fancy, that each of us secretly knows that this act is special, for everyone in the audience has a speaking part, and has time on the stage, but no one knows when, and so we are alert to the play at hand, and its pertinence to us, and when things feel right, we move, act, go do.

What I got the most about the backstage people is that they were all very gleeful, and it felt like a fun family theatre thing. In the audience it feels like a live or die situation, but in back, it’s friendly and all done in love.

Just for love, all kinds of it. And all they’ve been doing is lining things up for our time onstage, specific things to us, that we will recognize, but everything is intricately and cooperatively all lined up, and everyone is there to support us, and it’s all just for good fun, anyway.

Now, I am not sure if that means anything, and am inclined to think it doesn’t, but I suppose it’s interesting to think about.

I guess I mention it because, to me, the quantum part of reality is just as real as the linear kind. I have been straddling for a long time. I had two years of it, with The Teachers, I guess maybe to limber me up and give me some for the desert years, as I call them, but here it is again. And it never left, although sometimes the only place I knew to go for it was in poetry and crop circles. Both really helped, just so much.

But the thing is, we are awash in an electromagnetic, biochemical, flesh and blood. We are more than we appear. There is an energy that is as yet unseen in which we are awash, a great blending of the grids of the earth, our own grids, our own magnetic properties, with the pull of the planets encircling us. We are all entangled, and this is a real thing, not some made up science fiction.

The thing is, as we solve these problems of existential depression, a condition all First Wave of Volunteers, as Dolores Cannon calls us, as we solve these problems, we are able to transmute it into such radiance. Once the paradoxes are revealed, and it becomes obvious that the only explanation is that we all know each other, we are all acquainted with one another and are acting by agreement, at a certain level, once that level becomes more and more real, then things can truly be seen just a little more kindly, and there can be compassion for those who are not very nice.

Compassion is beginning to mean different things to me. I remember the story Bashar tells of a human who witnesses a butterfly struggling out if its cocoon, and the human peels away the casing, and the butterfly falls to the ground. It looks up at the human and says, hey, why did you do that?

And the human says, Well, you were struggling and suffering, so I wanted to ease your pain. And the butterfly says, well, I was in no danger. You see, I needed to struggle up against the casing so that my wings come in right.

Now, my friend, I shall never fly. And the human feels contrite and learns a valuable lesson in letting people have their drama, but, really, it’s not yours, so you can just sort of pass when they ask you to spin with them. I mean, it takes having your thinking cap on, and being able to see things for what they are, but in some sort of good humor. Sometimes I do well, and sometimes I fail, but I try.

Letting love be the punch line, letting love be the narrative, even when things look bad, and just remembering that we are all entangled with one another, there is a web that is unseen, interconnecting us all. It doesn’t mean you owe anything to anybody, in fact, it makes every single human being an equal, a peer. And there are some behaviors, in this state, which are truly unkind, untenable, unjust, and behaviors more befitting grown ups, and as we do this in our daily lives, we will expect it in our politicians, in our mechanics, in our teachers and doctors and nurses.

This is the first wave switching on, I think. And what The Teachers told me about this stuff is that the first wavers were the rebels, the weird ones, just really not fitting in, or fitting in well but feeling like they weren’t, you know, that existential stuff, and then, they begin to come into alignment, and they begin the ascension process (DNA activation, I think), then a critical mass is reached.

You have heard about the experiment done on monkeys in an isolated part of an island group? Same breed of monkeys, but loving in isolated groups, spread over several islands, is my understanding. So the scientists taught one little group of monkeys how to dig for fish with a clam or something like that, and then, the scientists observed how this method, never used by any of the monkeys anywhere before its artificial initiation, and then, suddenly, all the monkeys on all the islands were doing it.

You get the drift, though, even though I might not be telling it just right. I think it was Rupert Sheldrake’s work in The New Science of Life. That book made me swoon when I read it in the 80′s.

And so, I think this is what’s happening. Our DNA has been activated, and some of us have turned right in, grateful to finally hear the broadcast from home, and others can just feels something’s different, but there are enough of us now who have tuned in. And I can feel the resonance, now, I think that is what’s going on. Just a cohesion, I guess, a solidity to the energy I had not felt before.

I’m still very much a mind-over-matter girl, but the advances being made in quantum biology and quantum chemistry are bogglingly familiar, so simple, so true, and the way of it is going to be a lot of relief, I think, for a lot of us, the weirder things get for others, the more and more sense they’re going to make to us, because there is a different perspective gained once you’ve done battle with the things that wore you down, the thinking that always needed in futility and pessimism. There really is no room for it, I mean, it’s beautiful and poignant, but I am feeling more and more that the time has come to celebrate things a bit more.

Last night in kirtan, I did what makes me the very happiest, I opened up my brain and just had amazing experiences, all with my eyes closed, chanting away. But, oh the places I went, the things I did. And it was there, during a Hare Ram, when I felt all my friends, the ones who have held me up when my enthusiasm lagged, the ones who reminded me I have worth in the here and now, not off in my head somewhere, but here and now, and then, starting to think of myself as a blessing to others, and to myself, and that I might really be worth something after all, and maybe I really wasn’t crazy after all, and maybe it was ok to write about all of this, and maybe it even has value, well then, things start feeling very good then.

But from there, there is so much more. Last night, I thought, let’s get to the heart of it, after running canary yellow light, and deep indigo, song by song, and having vision of giving birth to planets, well then, I thought, what’s the point to all this light show? Who am I helping. It’s pretty, and I know it helps, but, what’s the point?

And then, I felt it. It was a love so strong and pure, it’s a state I love to reach, and cherish when I can. A state where I am just thoroughly and utterly in love with the love of God. It am just in so much love, so much love, so much love, and it’s, well, there are few words, none really, but it’s a healing place. And from there, I could feel the whole grid light up. The energetics got really advanced, and pretty. I just saw them do more.

And then, winding down, I could feel “my team,” I guess, the ones who have come to me before, but this time they were much more defined, and later I got that they were looking forward to bumping into me soon, like I could expect them to enter my life now, somehow. They told me that I had changed, not them, and it’s true that the energy itself has changed, made this possible. It’s an upgrade, so to speak.

I think what I want to recall now, for you see there were many things I learned last night, the thing to end with has to do with how to break the back of this existential depression. It is in the understanding of the holy and deliberately loving we are to each other on the other side, and that all of it can change in a heartbeat, and that waiting is part of the package, but so is stalling, so it takes balance and intuition and faith to “do as you’re told,” by the voices in your head, or “what my heart told me to do,” or whatever.

It can be dressed way down, and just sold on the merits of living an honest, thoughtful, earnest life. And it can become high art and science, if one decides to take an esoteric bent. But the truth of the matter is, I have, with my whole body, experienced what I know to have been the heartbeat of the cosmos, that Christmas Eve.

Golden light, everything is made out of, literally made out of benevolence, and there is so much love, but we have forgotten how much we love each other, and some of them who act harsh are doing as we have asked them to, and they can stop now, and on and on it went, that night a year ago.

So, I know, just feel it in my core, that there are others like me, who have had these ongoing weirdnesses, and who know of the extreme changes, but all at the same time an amazing quality of just remembering, just piecing things together, and when I’m in kirtan, really just becoming the light, finally, and running pure and strong, just white light, then it came to me, two thoughts, simultaneously. I’ll discuss them and then sign off.

One is that there is a physical slice, or place that is from the creator, a physical part of us, that germ the first manifestation of life in utero, there is a place physically within us that is this source energy, divinity, whatever you want to call it. And, I understood, that this is what is meant, in part, by “As within, so without.”

There is a field of divinity, beyond perfection, because that intimates failure, no, this is a field of love, of honor, of home. And this is our DNA, this is the merkahbah, this is our akash, our innate, our soup of energy, our energetic signature. As it clarifies, it can get high enough that instead of creating a disturbance in the field, as a lot of us used to, the field itself has risen in frequency, and we are matching it, and it is more in lone with creative source energy, and so our DNA responds, our whole beings shift.

And, see, not everyone signed up for it, not everyone is interested, and they’re going to have other interests. We can agree it’ll be dramatic and all the rest, and it’s fine to participate in it, but not enough to get you believing that there is no hope for the lot of us. It can look grim, from time to time.

Never forget, I hear The Teachers say, that’s what happens when the lights come up. You get a look at just how bad things were allowed to get. They told me, twenty years ago, that it was a fiction to think there was freedom in America, and it was sort of an irony, because the restrictions were already vast, and only going to get more obvious. It’ll look melodramatic, at a certain point, they’d say. But these exaggerations are necessary, and indicate a quickening of consciousness, I think.

The morphic resonance demonstrated in those clever monkeys is the same sort of field we share. And that brings me to my last point.

I understood last night, in the final songs of the evening, what it means to be a generator.

I know that’s what I enjoy doing, and I know I am good at it, and I have irrefutable evidence in my life that it is valid, but what does it mean? I asked.

It was then that I could feel it. I felt my energy, and could feel that connection I feel to the earth, but then I realize I’m connected, upward, and outward, and to things I still can’t see too clearly, but can feel, and I could feel the light just surge through me. I could remember, once again, the meditation I had with jesus, who showed me how, for a very long time, people have been running their light through others, and through things, circumstances, even, rather than just standing tall and straight and running one’s own light, and then giving from the heart.

This is, to me, what it means to be a generator, someone who can just run it, just pump it through, and ask all her friends to come join her, and create their own light, and then dance with me.

That’s the thing. A generator can generate her how light. She does not need to run her light through anyone or anything to get a glow, and it’s cramped and dark in that position. And it’s not just a female thing, it’s a balance. I think a lot of this masculine energy needs a real big dose of humility, of just being caught really really red-handed, and it just sort of slinks off of its own accord, but I hear it may not be quite as smooth as all that.

But I kept getting in kirtan, as I did when I got that first hit of whatever this is, that this is the time of concrete, in your hands, change your life sort of gifts. Be open, be willing, be ready, and receive. This is real. This is real. Expect miracles. Expect good things, as Kryon now says. Expect good things.

I have told “them” that I want 2014 to my year of gifts. I want to get gifts, and so far, I have not been disappointed. I had to work really hard on some of the wrapping, but I am doing ok, I think.

There’s a legitimacy, a sense of support, of finally being tolerated, and it’s, I’m sure, quite cooperative, since many of us have shed our timidity, at least most of it, it still is a change. A concreteness, I just feel supported. I have ample situations you could look at, then read these words, and then sit back a little spooked. But, no, that faith never shakes, though I rail against it from time to time.

So,a generator. Don’t see too many ads for that sort of work these days. And so, it goes. I do it gladly, and I will tell you this to close. Last night, I went to kirtan because I was canceled for my shift at work.

And there I am, in ecstasy, having the time of my life, and this little Confusicuos dude comes to me and says, “You do realize, you are exactly where you were to be, doing exactly what needs to be done. How does THAT feel?!”

And there was a sense of celebration then, and relief, feeling like I get it right and am actually on time, and it felt good. We danced and danced, all of us, and I saw happy changes to the grid, because we really were celebrating, and we really were just wanting to express, our individual love for god. And so, all of us, the ancients in the room, all chanting, singing, and you, those connected with me, entangled as we are in this journey, we danced together and celebrated just how far we have come, just how wonderfully things are working out, just how beautiful each of us is, and just how wonderful it is to be together again. Celebration, this kind of love, it is a gift, and it travels along those quantum lines we are awash in, and is a gift to everyone, conscious of it or not.

I was taught that although it is fine to run light or energy on someone you might not have discussed it with, you must always draw their higher selves up in discussion before proceeding. Their higher selves, of course, know how much and what kind of light and energy that being needs. And so the light comes, and what can be used is used. Everyone has free choice.

But it’s a trap to think that this means we have been consciously creating things. Form the looks of it, to me, a lot of it was created rather unconsciously. And now we are beginning to see there really needs to be another way. Old paradigms must fall, and certain things just can no longer stand. I’m not one for revolution, but if en masse we all just say NO MORE to a few things, things would change. Overnight. They’d have to. But I don’t imagine this as possible until the agreement fields, or morphogenic fields, are in better resonance with higher ideals.

So the first wave does their thing, and a pitch is met, set, broadcast. And then, as the story goes, once this is a strong enough thing, another critical mass is hit, and the second wave awakens. And then, the third wave gets worked on. The die hards. The real pricks.

I think it’s happening now, and I feel less and less weird about saying that. I feel more confident in my skills, and in my reporting, too. I feel better, and I am more than hopeful, now. I feel something stronger than hope. It’s a knowing I have long traveled with, but have done my best to minimize. The seat of my crazy, thinking everything was really alright after all.

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