Deeply Awake — Re-entry 2-26-14 By Kathy Vik
About a week ago, I was parking my car in the garage when I was hit with an awareness. I sat in the car, motor off, just taken away by thoughts, started from realizing that I feel complete.
I wondered, just for a flash, what happens to someone when they have reached completion? Isn’t that what people have before they get ready to die?
Don’t they, however unconsciously, take a look around, realize they are done, the struggle, the puzzle, the koan finished, broken through luck and will and intent, when that sort of completion occurs, don’t people give up the ghost?
It was an idle thought, but, looking back on it, I think it points to how profound this peace I have found consistently proves to be. Kryon said one time, its time for the old soul to solve the dilemma of their soul. To come to peace. To figure out the puzzle.
That’s the quest, so says Kryon, and my other teachers. All of them, even Jesus himself, were saying, your job is to come home, experience love, experience peace, experience understanding and sovereignty and joy?
Maybe I’m reading into things here, but I think coming to peace with being here, liking being here, finding value and even (gasp!) happiness right here, well, that’s a big deal, and we have a legion of loved ones cheering for us, here on earth and “out there,” wanting to get to the place where we can know love for ourselves and our fellow traveler.
So to find this has, for me, been accomplished, by and large, one early evening after errands and shopping, well, I can tell you, it was a moment for the books.
And I thought, keys in hand, one foot in the car and one foot out, unable to do anything but stay still and think this out, well, does this mean that I can expect to die soon? Do I feel ready for this? I felt a little thrill run through me.
As with many of you, I have never really feared death the way my fellow travelers do. I have met folks of like mind, mainly in hospice and nursing home work, but there are less of us than those who fight death tooth and nail, or haven’t really considered mortality, or who deny it will happen to them. Of course, we must live in a state of perpetual openness to being surprised, because, truth be told, we, the little we’s the human we’s, well, we just can’t see the whole picture quite yet, at least not all the time.
But, I have moved my relationship with death off the maudlin peg and onto the adventurer’s peg. I believe I am, and you are, all of we humans, are eternal beings, in all directions, our true nature is infinite, individual and intimately, vibrantly, lovingly connected, entangled, with everyone, and holding all of this together is benevolence itself.
Divinity itself. It is what we are physically constructed out of, and our home. As such, if this earth gig is a project, which I obviously take seriously indeed, as do we all, why can’t I just then take a step back from this very compelling story I am telling myself, and merge with the storyteller, or imagine I am the storyteller.
I’m coming back, and I am thinking what I want next. I have already put my order in, actually, and I know that when certain things start to change in the sciences, I know I will be getting closer to transitioning.
Although my love of language is intense, and linguistics, and foreign languages are things I wish I’d gotten lost in this lifetime, a different path. I would love to pursue languages, but I think I may be able to do that this lifetime with relative ease. Knowing this, I know my other true passion is science.
But not the sort of science we do today. I am talking non-physical science, but exquisite, beautiful, complex and true science, far more creative and contemplative than what is allowed today. Imagine, the biggest bitch some scientists have is that to believe in God nullifies your scientific work.
I wouldn’t be welcome in that community, and it has to change for me to contribute, but once I see it begin to change, become more plastic, more balanced, less nonsensically rigid, well then, I’ll join in. I have decided that when base 12 math begins to be taught in university, then I know it will be time to change bodies. I want to come back doing high science, quantum biology, healing, with sound and light, not chemicals and poisons. With intent, in harmony and balance, in reverence to the earth and to the experience.
I know there is all the ground-breaking that has to occur, and I just do not have the patience to be actively fighting against an adequate but unimaginative mind-set.
But, I thought, in the car, well, hell, although I had figured on a fast turn around, months, probably, I suppose at this point, I could give permission to die now.
But I realize that there is more work to be done. Ducking out now, it wouldn’t be appropriate to what I have thus far created. And so even though I felt that zing of “Jesus God, I could die,” feeling I have gotten just a few times in my life, I realized, rousing, gathering my bags, that it really is up to me, when I die.
It’s not an automatic thing, “OK, when you get to the place where all the major questions you had are answered to your satisfaction, you must lay down and die.” I can understand making the connection, and maybe that’s because so many people who do know about their deaths ahead of time choose to make peace with themselves and their fellow travelers.
I guess what is different about this is that most terminal patients use their impending deaths as a catalyst for closure. And God bless them for doing so. It’s just that, I have the closure, and I am fit, relatively, and by the way I talk, I think dying in another 150 years seems more than reasonable, I could actually live a shorter life within that time frame. Interesting thought.
I tell you all of this because today was another stellar day, so splendid, so wonderful, so magically timed and beautifully ordered. I told my friend Diane on the phone today that I am amazed and coming to embrace feeling like I am in the perfect place at the perfect time. It is just so magical, all of the synchronicity I am living in now. It has been a process, over about a weeks time, but, my god, something has changed.
What drove me the most was this burning need I had to know if it was possible for me to feel unconditional love for everyone and everything, to be able to come from a core of love within me, to see all benevolently.
This has been my only real goal. It has many names, really. Am I describing excellent mental health? Nirvana? Heaven? Ascension? Samadhi? Is it not true happiness? Unshakable faith in others being just as I am, no more, no less, each of us equals, angels?
And yet, of course, what was the hardest hurdle was reconciling this need of mine with how badly people behave sometimes. I mean, some of them do pretty harmful things, and they can’t see past themselves.
You see, even with the worst offender I can think of, I always, now, come back to the truth of it: Anyone I see doing that is doing it purposefully, in my awareness, so I am a part of it. Holding my own vibration, pushing light out, radiating it, beaming it, I realize that maybe the only reason I am seeing, and have ever seen, such behavior is to react to it in a way which stills the one transmitting such negativity.
And then, I turned a corner.
I began to realize that it really is perfectly fine with me if people are inefficient, self-defeating, even cruel. I have been all of those things. I no longer can judge people. Every time I try, I feel this feeling which I know very well, uncomfortable, unpleasant, dull and persistent, reminding me, I have done worse, and look at how magnificent I am. How can I resent someone who is lost, and not knowing any better, takes punches, or snarls, or withdraws and tries to disappear? There is nothing to resent, there.
I’ve had comforting recurrent thought, lately. My guides used to say to me, to bolster me and help me, “Love Them Any Way.” It became my war cry, before entering a nursing unit, knowing there’d be challenges. Love Them Any Way. It helped me tremendously, and still does.
But, a couple days ago , I did someone wrong. It wasn’t horrible, but I could have done better, much better. I admitted that I had been harmful, and that a part of me had wanted to be harmful. Hard to admit, because it is my only rule, really. Don’t go out of your way to hurt someone. Be nice. Its just not that hard to do.
But then, I did this thing.
And it felt bad. I admitted I’d done it. And then, I asked the person I wronged, as I drove (of course), to please forgive me. I asked them for forgiveness, and then I said something which really surprised me, but felt very, very good to say. I said, “Please just love me anyway. I harmed you, and I knew I could have done better, and yet I didn’t and please, just love me anyway.”
I said it, out loud, and it felt good to speak the works. Please just love me anyway.
I realize that everyone is saying this, in their own way. Each of us, intact or damaged as we feel we are, are wanting to me loved, to be forgiven, to be valued.
Humor without a full soul can feel like thinly veiled hostility, and asking to be loved without having a full soul can feel grotesquely co-dependent. I always had felt like an unresolved ball of pain in this regard, perpetually feeling unloved, unseen, unvalued. I was just playing tapes, just puzzling things out. I was filling out my soul, I think.
And now, I know that no one I meet is free from burdens, and insecurities, and fear. Few are as clear as I am, and you can take that to be an egotistical statement, but it is the God’s honest truth.
Few have my integrity, my precision, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, but you do, I am sure. And I am sure you are noticing that being within this new balance is suddenly a very attractive quality. Are you as shocked as me, to find that people are more receptive to you?
Now, it matters not if people do as I ask, silently, to just love me anyway. Maybe the pain came from being mad they couldn’t love freely, or maybe it was from knowing that I was still exhibiting unloving and difficult traits. But, it used to hurt so bad, the turning away. Now I barely notice it. And this is a big, fat miracle, guys. To not care if someone cannot return my love for them, oh what bliss. Because I can and I do love them anyway. I love them anyway.
This is the key, for me. Now my hands are finally full, and I am no longer begging. Now I am able to give, freely and with great glee and enthusiasm, and this is balanced with thoughtfulness, kindness, integrity. There is balance within and without, and it feels luscious.
I trust my inner guidance system, and I know that there are things I cannot see ahead of me, and I have come to peace within. If I lay down tonight and it turns out being my dirt nap, that would be fine. I’ve recently felt a structuring in my physical reality. I feel things lining up again, and so, I doubt this will happen, but I’ve been wrong before.
I know from having had those NDE’s that death is a ride. It is just fine with me if it happens today or in 150 years, or next year. I trust I am divinely guided, and that I am in good hands.
But now that I know that the good hands I am in are my own, I can take some ownership of the experience, co-create it, enjoy this next part, however long this body lasts. I’m not really going anywhere, and I am interested in seeing the story play out. That’s sort of the point, in my opinion.
I’ll close by reminding you of something I wrote about a few months ago. I had a dream and meditation about my birthday, and I saw it all in numerological terms, and it just blew my mind. I saw the messages I’d scribbled to myself, before I was born, in code, in birth dates and such. I realized that 53 was my year.
I was given the numerological evidence. I remember reaching for my journal feeling pushed, being told, “You just have to hang on for two months. Do this, and nothing will ever be the same.”
I turned 53 on Sunday. Huge galactic alignment, followed by a crazy big solar flare. And yet, these last changes, when my eyes softened and my heart opened up, they were evident before now, but sporadically and with great effort. Now, it is coming to me smoothly, and I am feeling magical. I am feeling switched on.
I’m glad I wrote as I did. I hoped there would come a time when I could look back over all the anguish I related, all the parsing of emotions and meaning and significance, and say, “It was purposeful. It got me here. I am in full-on ascension mode, I am tuned up, I am home.”
Even though things happen which I don’t know about, I hold no fear for events. The ladies I meditate with on Sundays were talking of this. That old pattern of getting into a good place and feeling dread, wondering when the other shoe will drop. And we are not alone.
I think it is a common issue, especially with lightworkers. Historically, we didn’t do so god once our light started shining. Of course we got knocked back down. Of course we did. It wasn’t yet time, for one.
The energy is not as dense, now, and it is easier to maintain a high vibration, and it’s easier to get back to it when I get lost. It is no longer a mystery to me when I lose my sparkle, and I know what to do to reignite it. And I do the things I find work, to get my sparkle back. I don’t have to wait until Sunday, or until I can get home and write.
I do it on the spot.
Alchemy. Love and high regard, in the midst of those who don’t know how to generate it for themselves yet, but, oh my, can they tell when it is in the room!
I am hopeful. I can be nothing less than this. It is a hope that sparkles, instead of whimpers. Hope that is borne from having grappled with my darkest darkness, and loving it home. Loving it all into that which I am.
I thought, when I had that dream, that something monumental would have to be happening around my birthday. Some Deus Ex Machina, my true love, or a publisher, or a big cash prize, something concrete.
I know enough now to have it down cold that what I am experiencing in my simple life as a nursing home nurse, just a new employee exploring a new workgroup, that this is a catalyst for everything. It is a creation beyond ideal, for integration, and synthesis, and metamorphosis.
But, what I mean to say is that the big ticket items I long for, financial abundance with just the right amount of luxury, a soul mate who is just as foul and high minded as me, a new home, a new car, whatever it might be, these things come from the vibration I feel coming form me now.
The simple pursuits I am enjoying now are huge, and from them, more will come.
I have re-entered life.
I am no longer the hermit I was. I am unafraid. I generate and amplify love itself. I am a divine being of love and light. I wear this wonderful skin, and I swear and I smoke and I do all manner of foolish things.
I love unashamedly, guide tenderly, teach indulgently, and praise thoroughly.
I love. I am love. I know this. And now, others know it.
They are no longer turning away.
Maybe that’s really what this re-entry is, after all. Entering the same room I have been entering for 53 years, and finding so few are turning away this time. And now, those who do, I love them anyway, and they know it.