Deeply Awake — Life As A Dream 1-23-14 By Kathy Vik
My dream life is back, meaning, I am dreaming again, and once again, I am finding my daily life bloom as a result. I stopped having important dreams, save for a precious few, through the 2000’s.
I’d been an avid dreamer before that, had been a sleepwalker and a sleeptalker, kept a dream journal, slept hard and for long, long blocks of time, used the imagery and information to help me, and then, the lights got turned way, way down, and I was stuck in this reality I didn’t really ever get.
That’s what this de- and re-construction has been about, I think, a lot of it.
And so, now, there really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think fondly and reverently of my years learning from The Teachers, way back when, as things just opened up, there they were, to remind me, about energetics, ascension, human nature, how things work in linearity. I am so grateful I had that training, now. They helped me with my dream time, helped me use it, understand it, as did Seth, and my academic pursuits into the science of sleep. But nothing like this.
And, with the dreams has come a great expansion in my waking life, that’s how I reference it, and a great homecoming feeling, when I sit here thinking about what it is I might be up to every time I lay my head back down on my pillow. It’s a relief to understand it’s a biological imperative, a fact of life, a necessity. I like that most of all, I think. Always have. Poetic, it is.
What I realized yesterday morning is that this connection I feel with my soul now is never far away, because every time I sleep, I am actually there. The physical is put on hold and I get to go home.
So, when going to sleep I ask about the big questions in my heart, hold them up lovingly and gaze on them, asking for guidance, clarity. I’m finding great peace, at night, quietly singing prayers. I hadn’t been much of a prayer, either, another skill I put down a while ago. But, it seems so good, natural, fills me with serenity, to quietly sing the Gayatri, like last night, an obscure, seldom thought upon chant for Shiva. They come, I sing, and then, it feels natural to pray.
But, anymore, I feel odd about saying, Dear God, because it just doesn’t seem inclusiveness enough.
I am addressing my soul, my eternal, universal, blazing soul, that which has been with me all of my lives, who thought up the joke and the punchline, who knows the answer to every mystery.
I am addressing the Earth, my beloved Earth.
I am addressing everyone who has dressed me down, everyone who has undressed me, all those who have stung me and those who can do nothing but love me, I’m saying, hello, I see you. I can feel you. I understand I am part of it. I understand I am my brother’s brother, my parent’s parent, my Earth, my lineage, when I say “Dear God,” all this seems to stretch in front of me, and so, the term God seems somehow almost demeaning.
I am not in supplication anymore. I am in union, celebration.
And maybe, for now, I, can only manage this in my prayers, and in kirtan, in meditation, and when I am really really focused, consciously, I can call it up, now, but it is hard to do sometimes, especially when things go small and seem confusing.
And so I want to tell you of my last two dreams. I have had a series of dreams, as I wager you have too, which are so vivid, which sort of tickle me inside in a weird, sort of electric way, dreams which turned out to be strangely too metaphoric but to be anything but a soul song, maybe an echo of something bigger than the little events that eventually went down. It’s been, in retrospect, that these few dreams have come to be, for me, and I wonder if it’s like this for you, there are dreams which seem to, cumulatively, become a familiar voice, an inner guidance system, reminders of home.
I think that’s what all the strum und drang is, this weird shift many are making internally, it seems. That there is a part of us that has believed dumb things, who let herself, himself, get duped by values or ideals which, now, in this light, just don’t seem applicable, worthy the effort, perhaps.
That feeling unsupported, forgotten, abandoned, any of that, it just is no longer true. The victimization drops, the sense of grief, and then, here you are, in the same land, but weirdly kind, weirdly opening up.
But, it’s more than that, you see. I think it is coming to terms, each of us, with our flawlessness.
And you know, don’t you, that you just may have finally gotten to the truth, that there is benevolence and there are miracles, and there is, now, a little bit of relief, which itself is expanding rapidly, I think, for some of us, when things finally get clear, and you get it, that we are all well acquainted with each other on some level, and no one, not anyone, is, really, out to get us, that there are those who are skilled and those who are not, when it comes to expression, and you were once very, very unskilled, this leads, eternally, I think, to finally turn the logic to greet itself.
Then this means, if this is what the universe itself is made of, and I am part, biologically, chemically, electrically, magnetically, I am connected and a participant in it, then this is what I must be made of. Benevolence itself. Kindness and patience and acceptance made human.
Maybe so many of us got kicked around, or made terrible decisions we made, because, in the end, the ones who can successfully hold true power, inner power, are those who must, in the end, question their existence so carefully as to see how many times the humility, the need for true humility, is truly called for.
Humility is a misnomer. I think it’s empathy. And without a deep and profound experience with a level of suffering some never experience, from there, we have come to see, or at least I have, that I can be trusted. I can trust myself. I can be trusted. I trust my self most of all.
I do my best to not judge, but, oh, my yesterday, I had such a brilliant experience, light-wise, with that, with judgment. From there I will tell you of these dreams. I went off on having had big events, which then sort of allow us to move in deeper waters.
The thing is, although you and I might have had big vision-like dreams which have changed us for the better, there are the many more mornings, when I just come back with a statement, or a word, or something insanely obvious, it seems at the time. I always, now, write down, anymore, the things that seem in the wee hours to be so ridiculously simple as to be sort of an act of retardation, to scribble them down, because by the light of day they will sometimes seem contrite, they will not pack the emotional wallop they do when these things are fresh. It’s funny, how linearity dulls this clarity sometimes.
So, I went to a new employment situation, on Wednesday. It’s a job that is very dear to my heart, and I am just aching to get busy there. But, as the department heads started to come in and give their speeches, I could feel the atmosphere change, each time, and the mix of our energies was then impacted by whomever was teaching us.
I enjoyed it, but found that, as the day went on, I began to have impatience, and began to scold, in my mind, this or that thing they were doing, having seen it done many other ways. And as this gap widened and closed, I realized I really had been, at many points in my career, my life, a very judgmental and angry, petulant, even, person.
I have held people up to a high metric at work, at home, energetically. I had become aware, had held the thought, yesterday, that I was influencing their energy, as they were mine. I considered what it might feel like to be around me, just as a person. I want to blend, provide harmony and good will, and just reflect to other people what I get now, that they are also one of the participants each of us our own realities, and each perfect and valid in their expression. I got back in the groove in the afternoon, and it felt good to come home again, to see things more whole.
Here’s the odd part. A part of me has always known my energy, just my signature, I felt it to be too strong, too overpowering, too much. And maybe it was, and maybe it wasn’t, but it’s been an ache with me, all my life.
And it’s this ache that is finally getting relief. Anybody who’s been in pain for a long time, once the pain stops, questions, at first, not if but when the pain will come back. I’m beginning to believe that it’s not when, and it’s not even if, anymore. Things are getting good, the tide has turned. The pain is slight, if it comes at all, that familiar dissonance, that old familiar sense of disconnect, the gulf each of us feels at times.
I understand now, have proven to myself now, that there is not one thing I cannot take care of well, and I need to be willing to act, at the time. But the answers come along the way, not in a packet or syllabus. The heart, the soul, is guiding us now.
Wednesday morning I had woken up with the words, “It’s really OK to just stand back and enjoy everything coming together.” I had a picture of three or maybe more, planets, all aligning, and making a huge blazing star, just like the star of Bethlehem, which I have always believed was a light phenomenon.
I could see a blue Christmas card with a manger, and Mother Mary kneeling, and the white-blue star shining “down” in a diamond. That night, I think, it was ablaze with this decision, made by a terrific, a mighty old soul, remaining a sacrificial lamb in the eyes which are soft and loving, whether the tale is false or true, it no longer matters.
I think there are things which we may never know, and it’s fine to think he lived on, in the physical, it’s fine to say he resurrected. There are folks who say an imposter took his place, so he could go on to live, but I figure, the conjecture is healthy. There was a big flap in the community, recently, still considering it sacrilege to imagine all possibilities. Who cares. Just thinking about it, arguing about it, even, is progress. Thinking a little bigger never hurt anyone.
And this dream of completion, of just being able to relax, was followed by a very gentle, very happy day, with amazing people, all, in the end, doing their jobs admirably, managing a Hydra day in and day out.
It’s one of the most creative jobs I can imagine, in this of industry, all about caring and integrity and mindfulness, the state and federal regs demand this, so there is always rule and verse to fall back on, to blame your standards on. The rules require effort, and honesty, too. They require integrity, going above and beyond, and yes, they are rigid and militaristic, and very restrictive, in many ways, but there is good thinking behind most of it, sort of legislated morals, and it seems to work, when the rules are being obeyed.
I think there will come a time when these codes of behavior will be unwritten, sort of sad and shocking they had to be written in the first place, but that is a ways off, I think. So it’s an odd business for someone like me, a situational ethicist, I guess.
That’s what I decided I was, in Ethics class. A situational ethicist. Everything in context. That’s the best way to make decisions, in nursing, in medicine, in my opinion, though, in class this view was classified as weak and wishy-washy.
And, I think, on Wednesday, upon awakening, that was the take-away understanding. That this linear life is a metaphor too. It’s as much of a dream as the other side, the side I have always felt more comfortable in. This incremental living, I rebel against the mundane, and have authority issues, still. It’s gotten better, but sitting in that class, I could see it hanging there, ugly and harsh, the adolescent in me just yammering on and on, but, honestly, mostly it was silent, once I heard it a few times. I didn’t like it and I stopped.
This morning, the dreamy feeling has left me. Last night, I told Sam, “this whole day seemed like a dream. I have felt that way all day. It’s nice, but kind of weird.”
He said, “I know mom. I told you about that. That’s how I always feel anymore.” I paused the TV and he said, “It started when I was younger, around ten. Don’t you remember?! (I did), And then, when I was eleven, it was all the time.”
He was sort of mad at me for thinking I didn’t remember. It’s not that I didn’t remember. It’s just, at the time, I thought he might be making it up, or just talking symbolically. I guess I also had no idea how to help him with it, so I just sort of supported him, still just a bit unbelieving, I had to admit.
And then, yesterday, feeling like I was willingly not waking up fully that whole day, having a really happy, healthy, distance from everything, and yet being completely engaged. The whole day was oddly all sorts of loving and symbolic and hopeful.
I want to tell you about what Kryon is saying about this. It is funny, to me, that some of this stuff I get, and then they confirm. It’s been like that for a while. I like it when they run up ahead, too. As the new information, the bigger hits of new information, comes in, it can make things wobbly for a bit. We’re all moving at the same pace of us, some of us, so it’s no longer a solitary pursuit, which is nice.. The last recordings from Kryon, for me, have felt very confirmatory, just right on time, as always.
They said that now it is the time to start thinking in terms of UBC. Unexpected Benevolent Change. Good God, did that strike a gong inside me. Unexpected Benevolent Change. That’s a leap ahead of “That Or Something Better,” my most recent mantra. Unexpected Benevolent Change. That feels better.
I do feel supported, now. I am feeling no terror, and less worry, more focus, I guess, while, at the same time, going all dreamy from time to time (without the ganja).
They went on the say that there are two kinds of lightworkers, spinners, and workers. Those who spin do so in drama, their drama, or the world’s.
The conspiracy theorists, the separatists, all just phases, really. That staying in problem rather than resolution may create more discomfort. He then talked about those who have found themselves alone due to energy mismatches.
I’m glad he said that, because, although I do enjoy seeing bigger, and some of it involves dark behavior, but to dwell in it, and invite others to feel the fear and insecurity, it’s no longer necessary, really. Neither is it necessary, anymore, to sequester, to hold oneself as odd, too weird, too strong or deep or different, you know?
Those who don’t may be just as alone, at this point, is I think what they were trying to convey. That as a group, we have interpreted as we could, but now, as things clear, its important to understand the idea of blending with others, no matter their level of understanding, and to stop talking and start walking, rather than staying, energetically, apart.
I think that’s what I got a glimpse of Wednesday, in the class I had. I got to see myself sink into judgment, of impatience, and I changed my thinking, my whole being shifted, back to something which felt good again. I’d known myself as someone who wants to just move it along, going too fast, seeing things already done, somehow.
And I began to see how I eased, and laughed, and saw it in others. We played games, and I actually participated and had fun! I smiled, made the room laugh, spoke my mind, but was very observant of how I talked, aware of what I shared and didn’t. It felt, I noticed, that I was holding back, and I liked it, for the first time in my life, because I could feel how my signature was already speaking for me.
It felt good to hold back, and at the same time just soften up, and try to find something really good about everyone, and find no one guilty of any deficiencies. That’s how I began and ended my day, yesterday, and it felt good to get in the groove, and too, it felt, and feels, good to see how I am beginning to use my consciousness to harmonize, neutralize, soften myself, and then, it seems to spread, sometimes, into the whole room.
I felt myself doing it, and I guess, just realized I was with a good group of kind people, and everyone was pretty cool, just to begin with, no matter what they do. They each have a backstory, each of them have had difficulties and challenges, and their responses have, at times been just as unskilled as mine.
But now, I can see the difference between the two, skilled and unskilled, and see no blame, now, feel no hatred or grand impatience or the need to convert. I kept being told yesterday, you don’t teach anyone by insulting them, in your mind or in your words. That’s not how to do this.
Love everybody, I was told, be friendly. No one here wants anything but to be loved, and that is the long and short of it, I thought, as I watched everyone work, laughed and ate and smoked and learned with them.
Today was less dreamy, more rigid, feeling angular, thinking on family issues, strenuous spiritual weight lifting, sometimes. And then, I decided to just scribble, and tell you what I think, and how there is solace, still, for me, when I think on my Wednesday dream, the idea that physical life is the linear acting out of what we experience nightly. It feels like minutiae sometimes, and at times it has seemed insignificant to me, but I was wrong about that. Dead wrong.
I am beginning to see this as a disconnect which I want to correct. What Kryon is saying is salient to the discussion. They have the admonition to fit in. To go toe to toe in love with those you’ve had problems with, those in your family who don’t like you, seeing commonality and love rather than the same old troubles. In an earlier recording, he said, see a man or woman with a headscarf, and there is an instant impulse to divide.
To see the difference only. And this is our new opportunity, when this happens, whenever you feel or find yourself turning away or avoiding or judging, to honor the one who is demonstrating their interpretation of the divine, of god as they see it, showing reverence and respect and love. This is what should be celebrated, not only because this is a new dispensation, but that we can do it at all. We all deserve a round of applause, I think.
Some, like over-weary toddlers, don’t see the sense in this approach, but, I think the ones who just won’t see common sense, we are one family. Everyone is sacred, and I think most of the folks running our institutions, all of them, are materialistic, rule-bound, untrusting, even wantonly neglectful and even harmful. They have forgotten their true importance, their true magnificence, have warped its meaning in odd and highly creative ways, mostly selfish ones, and this will no longer be tolerated. It’s what children do. As we know, it’s a simple misinterpretation, of power, of one’s own worth, and this, too will have to change.
It must change, because more and more people are seeing the good in themselves and others instead of the bad, or allowing that they may have had things wrong. Then it really does make more sense to spend more on labor, and give to those who do not have, and dismantle these abuses of power, the police state, territorialism, and acting against the will of others, without respect, without trust.
That will have to fade, because more and more people are understanding that this dream we are walking really can be anything we see fit. And isn’t it past time to lose interest in war, argument, hate, any kind of ism, any compulsion to restrict the rights of others, dealing with this requires a certain amount of toughness of character to weather.
But it’s all local.
It’s all local.
It’s all done here, in your own skin, in your own story, with your individual meaning to each and every event.
Why not consider that we are the generator of our experience, of how and what we think, how we then feel, and if there are no boogey men, then, anything that happens is survivable, and it’s all just a story. That brings me much peace, and muse on that thought often. This linear walking life, it is a very engulfing, engaging, believable metaphor, and no one is getting hurt, I think to myself, sometimes.
We’re obviously not there yet, globally, but the day will come. It isn’t a global event anyway. Sure, Mother is in with us, reflector and generator of amazing energies, communicator, show off, wild and honest and true, Mother nurtures us, and the less we take ourselves for granted, Mother benefits, and returns this energy. How could she not? , How could the universe itself, not? It’s simple physics.
And for that reason, this new mantra, “Unexpected Benevolent Changes,” Oh, My! Does that speak to me. Just move me. Just show me. And I am willing to act, now. I am willing to blend now. I am no longer afraid. I am no longer blocked, as I was, at times, shrinking against the wall, feeling the last of it, the doubt.
I’ve come to a place where I need a word that doesn’t exist yet, the word for having fought and conquered darkness, whatever that word is, the more people do this, individually, because it can be no other way for them, one by one the switches go on, and the more and more kids and grand kids and patients and customers and actor in whatever drama is at hand, whatever metaphor it feels appropriate to engage in, then, the narrative sweetens, lightens, and it becomes more and more easy to trust one another again, and get out of each other’s business, and start trusting each other again. I am looking forward to that day. When everyone is thinking better thoughts, clearer, more loving thoughts, more inclusive, less sad and more hopeful.
I felt that, in that room. I felt honor for each of them, a bunch of people feeling a lift, and we did it, all together. There was no disrespectful behavior from anyone, lots of joking and familiarity, actually. I realized I’d been an angry, pouting soul, at certain points in my life, hard to get along with, elitist, a spinner. And I don’t want to spin anymore. I just want to work, to love.
This walking life has always felt like work to me, so this is something to note. I think the energy has drastically changed for the better. And it’s benevolent. And unexpected, too. To see this life as story, as intricate and beautiful dream brings a lightening in my heart, a willingness to live, like I haven’t felt in a long time.
I feel, sometimes, like I have been jump-started back to life.
An odd thing to be thinking, I know, but that’s how it’s been for me the last couple of days.
I used to end by saying, well, it’s good for now, but I know it’ll come to an end.
And then I think about Sam, how he came home recently talking about how he spent his day daydreaming about how he could convert the kinetic energy of the school’s students and staff into an energy generating, self-sustained building, even talking plumbing. So I don’t worry all that much about where he’s going, but he has to have the basics down to allow his ideas fruition. It would be neglectful to think he can get by on good ideas alone, without some mastery of the things others find are essential to success in the physical.
Things may become more collaborative and less linear, everyone recognizing themselves as pieces to a puzzle, no longer competing, but collaborating. But everyone needs to communicate as clearly as possible, both energetically and linearly, so we focus, at thirteen, on scholastic basics, helping to success in a system essentially outdated.
I don’t worry he will find his way. There are more of the expanded ones coming in all the time, so this is a trend which will continue, and we are helping them, our seedlings.
But many, we know, are our elders, and this recognition is a new one to a lot of people, best unsaid, and that’s where I need to go, to really put a fork in this thing.
I liked what Kryon said about fitting in. That fitting in is the work. And I could feel a lot of voluntary isolation and protectionism just sort of spin off me. Spinners and workers alike, as Kryon said, it’s no longer time to tell. It’s time to show.
And this I like most of all. Marge’s, my mentor’s, counsel has been with me this week, as she sometimes becomes for me, a presence I can tap into. Her integrity, her flawlessness of character, her honesty, and yet her guardedness. She is the one person whose guardedness is something I cherish, and honor, always. I am honored to call her a friend, and I honor her ways, all her choices. She, above all in my world, can be trusted.
And for that, I have always loved her completely, always have, I always feel like she lets me be her favorite blanket, just for a time. I feel so proud and so in awe of her, as a person. Funny, to have found that in a boss. Doesn’t matter what she does, she has my heart in a way no one else has earned.
She doesn’t let me in at all, and that’s fine too. She knows I love her anyway. And I want to feel that way with everyone I interact with, every patient, every staff, every boss and vendor and bill collector. Isn’t that the goal of all this work, to just lean in the direction of love, to just feel love toward all, not a blind love, but an honor, of both our individuality and our commonality, but seeing individual expressions as nothing but what they find most appropriate, as do I.
Those who are harmful, you try to teach, if you have that position, and they have the willingness, and that’s all you can do, just be honest and true and strong, and see the best in others, too. She taught me that, mesmerized me with it.
Hopefully, holding more open hearts, there will be more and more days, and weeks and years, of inhabiting a blend which allows this perspective, for as long or as little I hold it. Imagine if more than one person in a room were doing it. Imagine if everyone was doing it.
And that’s the thing… the more you’re there, the more you’re there. And if you can get there only at night when saying the only thing that seems to make sense, but that is strangely small, “Dear God,” worlds can be unlocked there. And they can now be unlocked in the shower, while driving, while sleeping.
I think this is the new energy, able to support a higher level of quantum energy, multidimensional awareness. Even if someone feels it just once, that’s enough. It’s like having that amazing, electric dream that keeps coming back to you, even through your lifetime, something you know to be true and beautiful and unexplainably comforting.
It, that one first hit of it, can become like a homing beacon, or a true north. For me, they started out as situations ending in being let off the hook, for a real or imagined misdeed. Being treated better than I thought I deserved. That’s how it started for me.
I know people might think I overstate or ramble, but these things seem oddly connected, and highly accessible at the moment, and so, I write these words thinking I am no longer alone, that there are lots of people feeling the very same way as me, and right now, you’re looking at this on your phone, on your laptop laptop, going along for the ride, grinning, feeling even less lonely, feeling connected, now, aware and supported and seen, now. I know these essays might seem excessive to some, brilliant to others, but, after all, they’re just the musings, of a career nurse and metaphysician or artist of esoterica, just plodding along, still chasing a buck, doing the same job she’s been doing for nearly forty years. No adventuress, on the outside, it would see,
But here I sit, in my granny chair, writing to you today, smoke in my mouth, KBCO on the radio, believing in, having the firm intent and studied ability to experience benevolent change, now, for the first time in my life.
I closely mind my numerology now, see numerological sense in things, and see patterns. I have switched on in lovely ways, and I know, I just know, I am not the only one. I write to you when the glass is dark, sometimes, but hasn’t that sort of been the point? We all have dark hallways to get through, and I think there is value in having described it as I went, sometimes feeling like I am faltering, uncertain, doubting. But no more of that.
There can be doubt, even, in a dream, you know. It is one of many, many awarenesses one can hold about a situation. And if left to fend for itself, but better yet, if invited back in, back home, then the cattiness ceases, maybe just for you, but if it ends for you, then those around you will sense it, and maybe even stop it, and start figuring out how to get that feeling back. Isn’t that sort of the idea?
And what is that but an amazing dream someone is having.
But as dreamy, as exalted or lofty or esoteric the thoughts, they are lived out by a human being, who gets behind in her laundry and her bills, sometimes, and who now has two jobs and is still underemployed, she sits in this new soup, of being willing, ready and, now, able, to sit and stew in this new soup, called unexpected benevolent change. All lower case, because it is the norm now, no need to shout it.
I hope it’s not just me, ha ha. Still sometimes insecure of where this is headed. Some don’t have an interest in the esoteric and I don’t mind that a bit, doesn’t matter. There are men out there who know all of this just instinctively, who didn’t have to struggle as some of us did, to get here. They just have it, and we know it, in their presence.
And not one of them has ever given me a lecture I didn’t need, many of them wouldn’t think to teach me in any way.
We honor each other, no matter the belief structure, because we know each other. I have this with a few friends, and I value it dearly. How nice to think that the point of it all might be to get to the place where I can feel that way about anyone, and if enough of us get to that place, well, imagine such a place.
So, I’ll get on with the linear of it. I have got this figured out better, how to walk through my life without being heartbroken, how to love anybody, and recognize when it just isn’t me, junking up the works.
Guiltless, truthful, happy, centered, balanced. Bringing the dream state, the values of dream time, down into our daily lives, seeing things more whole. I think this is where we are headed, and that would be a dream come true. I want more of my dreams to come true.
I remain within the certainty of unexpected benevolent change winthin, and without, acknowledging I my life as a dream.