Deeply Awake — Duality’s Illumination 12-20-13 By Kathy Vik
Two days after writing that numerology piece, I woke up realizing I had not understood the importance, the reverberations of those numbers at first.
Each day’s date adds up to the sum of the date. For example, 12-12-2013=3, and 12=3. The pattern is progressive, up until today. What dawned on me was that 12-20-2013=11, but 20=2. I hadn’t seen the pattern at first, and then, I didn’t notice the 11, really, not until that morning.
I realized the message for the whole sequence was an absence of duality. I mean, that was just so obvious But looking at it deeper, I saw that daily there was a vibration. And each day has really been sort of a tribute to the number at hand.
Today’s numbers are 11 and 2. They cannot be reduced in my mind, and so, through the progression I have been looking forward to today. Feeling the same sort of anticipation I have felt at other key days in my growth, no more so than my premonitions around 5-25-12, and then the day’s bizarre events.
I had been sleeping surprisingly soundly, not the usual waking up every couple of hours. But yesterday was different.
I woke up with huge awarenesses that had to be written down. The first block came, and I wrote a page. Then I laid right back down, could hardly wait to get back there. And then the next block came to me, and now I know things that I didn’t know before.
They would have been shadow thoughts, structure thoughts had I not jotted them down in my journal, and they would not be available thoughts had I not been inbred with this need to write about this sort of stuff.
So there you go. It works out pretty good for everyone, really.
“Dream 12-19 at 2321
Understood, saw, coming out of sleep the reason why we can afford to feel hope. It’s not that things getting better is some random thing that we happened on, and so we don’t have to be worried that the bottom will fall out again. I saw myself, day in, day out, being a blessing, each day going against the grain, and by virtue of just showing up, I’m helping.
I saw felt all of it in a flash. If felt so good, wanting someone like me waking up, and I saw how his energy was a blessing, how he was helping, how he’s a blessing.
So the reason things are easier now is, it’s finally more like how things really are. The rewards are many, and it’s from a place we know well. It all makes great sense.”
“Dream Letter, 12-20 @ 0055
So the reason things are doing to get good is that what makes us and is us is this benevolence, this high regard, esteem, honor, family love. Why? Because that’s what makes the universe, it is the universe, and we are part of that. And the more aware we are of this, the easier it will be, sort of like a better informed user.
And so we MATCH the universal benevolence.
That’s why the dreams come true, why the good stuff will be so easily manifested and enjoyed. When we match the love that makes us, also, we are this, it is us, how can you be alone when Creator is within. Something MADE of love and honor and esteem? How alone can I feel ever again?”
I want to tell you about an encounter I had yesterday. I was in a meeting with a nice, sort of sharp and forceful older lady, an associate of mine who is supportive and smart, and then a woman who just radiated hostility.
It was sort of embarrassing to watch, in a way, because her behavior was so awful, so angry, and then she’d rein it in, since her boss was in the room, and then Bam the hostility would come up again and she’d have an outburst, directed, always, toward me, such hostility! She flipped her affect a few times, and it was an amazing thing to witness, but I turned off, energetically, toward her, midway through.
I had been told before the meeting, a day before, and then repeatedly through the intervening hours, “LOOK UP.” Keep a higher perspective, remember that all things moss, and just take the long view.”
So, as things looked bleaker and bleaker for her ever giving me anything but contempt, I looked out the window. We were on a hill, on the second floor, and there were treetops to look at, and mountains.
I saw a huge bird sitting in a naked tree top and remembered, heard, look up. Take the long view. I did what needed to be done, put the situation in a good perspective, moved the meeting along, and we finally, after much gnashing of the interpersonal teeth, we got a plan together. It was an odd meeting.
My associate commented on it, that one woman’s emotional incontinence, and I told her that’s why I had to call in help. I was in a weird situation here. I felt sure we would not be coming back to this school come the fall.
I’ve been in situations like this before, contentious, when how we behave with each other determines the good of another. Many times. As a boss, a parent, a hospice nurse. So I know this land, and I know the warrior state. But what I experienced in that meeting was something again.
This was the school meeting for my son, you see.
Again and again in my life, it has boiled down to a very simple question, “Do I matter?” That is my essential koan, in fact. Do I matter, does it matter that I am here at all. I have troubles with people, stir them up, affect them.
And it has not been easy. I have hid away on night weekend night shifts, because there is just less interpersonal turmoil there. I tend to my patch of land, for twelve hours, and then I am shot of it. That’s how I have come to see work.
It is a messed up system, all of them are, even the public ones, and it is so hard to be the only one who can see it. It was hard, and so I shrank, and I repaired, and I cocooned, and I wrote about it.
I had turned, towed the end, quite angry and resentful, not all the time, and not even voluntarily, but things wore on me and I was on a hair’s trigger, there toward the end, before I gave up and decided to restructure myself. I was angry. 5’3” and a little over 300 pounds.
Although I started coming to the spring before, it was on October of 2011 that my innate kicked in, and turned my digestive system sparkly. I lost 100 pounds, My hair got curly, I lost my allergy to nickel, so I got my ears pierced.
I understood that last one was a gimme, they al were, but the ability to wear earrings enhances my life. Sounds corny, but it makes me happier. It was s gift, I understood. To give me some joy, innate, natural, simple joy. A gift.
And then I turned from the machine, 1-25-12, and turned within. The woman who did benevolent battle in that classroom Thursday was once just like the woman with which she was battling. She was me before everything switched on.
So never let it be said, I am telling myself, that the angriest among us cannot change. I did. I did. I did.
I’d written a piece a while back, two of them, actually, within the last days of this odd corridor through which we are walking, but they seemed too slanty, not quite right. This feels better, because we’re getting down to the bone now.
I saw, felt, knew, understood this morning that we are in more and more resonance with a higher octave, one which has always been available, but one which we just couldn’t access before. Too many overlays, too much darkness. And it has been a collective effort to get to the place where the burdens of thought have been lifted enough for us to see what has always been true, that we are actually made of, constructed from, are an integral part of this mind-blowingly creative benevolence.
It can be all about mirroring of behavior and shadow busting. It has to be, and there are many many steps along this path, but the path has sign, sometimes nearly invisible ones, all along the path saying, “You Matter.”
When I thought I didn’t matter, that my voice would never be heard, and when I felt the most ground down my the machine I found myself in, the traps I’d constructed by not thinking things through with my heart, with a heart of courage and gratitude and honesty, that’s when I felt the most powerless.
And powerlessness is the ultimate riddle. Not so much a lie as a hall in the crazy house many of us have constructed, thinking that others’ opinions are more valid than our own, those of us who think things through and have a certain level of spiritual maturity.
It is not a mature thing to do, to have a blow out while in a meeting, to let your mask slip and show your rage. That is someone who is nearly there, nearly there, and that is all. No sinners, no insane in this room, just those who have suffered, and one who has somehow transmuted that suffering into great joy.
The thought I keep having is that, due to underemployment here recently, I have not had a lot of access to John Q. Public lately. I enjoy getting back into the wash, and seeing how I have changed. Sometimes the changes are really obvious, but usually, not so much. I find I laugh a lot, I put people at their ease, as a rule, and I am learning the skill of just shutting up and letting other people talk. I always said I never felt it was mine to teach, but then I watch myself at work, and see how bossy, intrusive, I can be. It is a contrast being given me, to soften me and teach me a new skill. I appreciate the lessons. It is like a lab, for me.
I doubted all of this for a long time, and most of it had to do with asking myself “Who am I to think such high thoughts about myself?!”
And now, after all these changes, I see that I react to people differently, and I see myself so differently, and I no longer feel it appropriate or necessary to question what and how I am anymore.
I feel that what my dreams were telling me is threefold. One, I understand that the field I tapped into on Christmas Eve last year, of unlanguageable benevolence, and that we are here, all of us, in whatever capacity, one to the other, because we all love each other so, so, so much, I think this is the field that we are merging with now.
I think the overlays, the karma, the false beliefs, are burning off, and as they do, we are just reclaiming our natural state. Like a fever dream, the authoritarianism and weirdness out there. A fever dream, and that is all. They are having fever dreams, I kept hearing this morning.
The next lesson, message, knowing, is that My being among those who know nothing about this consciously, they all know about it in their beings, because it is the truth, that we are connected, made out of love, that we love each other, and this is ll an act of divine creative benevolence, that this feels to me,
I can see it, it is a drop of pure light, and everything around me, you, us, brightens, in pulses, we send out pulses of light, and the burdens of others can ease, or not, as is their wont, but their being knows us and loves us for being here and being awake, aware of how lovely this is.
Whether we are in a good mood or not, whether we are off topic, making crap decisions, feeling tired, whatever, we are still a blessing. It’s an energetic fact. I enjoyed the visuals of this, and appreciated seeing someone else having this effect on his world, in my dream. It made it real, and made me feel more connected to all of you, too.
The third lesson is the idea of return and receiving. Understanding we are in a web of good now, and this is now just a matter of having things line up for the highest good for all involved. But have no doubt, what we have been consistently giving out, all the good we have given, now can and must return. It is the time of the return, in so many ways.
So, to me, the illumination of duality involves solving the most ancient of koans, my most central question, Do I Matter?
Along with the admonitions to look up that I received prior to that god-awful meeting, I also got the message that it matters, that I show up on time. I heard my boss, again and again tell me that this is what she had been modeling for me.
She understood her responsibility. She understood that by virtue of her abilities and her status, her behavior had to be impeccable, her verbalizations purposeful, her attitude benevolent. She had shown me, for six years, the behavior of someone who understands that she does, indeed, matter.
And so, I am chocking up a bit and feeling sort of swoony, thinking this is the truth, that I really do matter, that my being here is purposeful, and, gasp, people are depending on me.
I had long absorbed this truth in a way I could live with. I considered my time on duty time I was giving to others, and my time off duty was mine, to do with as I wished. Now I see that this is not so integrated. I see now that I matter, to my family, my friends, my patients, my handlers. What I say, how I say it, what I am trying to get across, in my heart of hearts, all of this matters.
And the dreams taught me that I cannot really do it wrong. Just by showing up, I am helping. A nice contrast, but I think it is just a melding of the thing. Knowing that me, little old me, that I count, and how I act impacts others, and I can make them feel better, just by loving them, whether they love me back or not.
And when they are mean, I set them back on the path, but not because I am defensive, but because I care about the bigger things going on here. With harm to none.
A day of illuminating duality. Melding duality, seeing it as an 11, perhaps, but more, seeing the validity in duality, the challenge of darkness, and understanding it is just a number, just a canvas on which to paint, just one sainted number, just one.
I guess that’s how I should leave it. If I understand that my higher mind is creating this life from the mind of god, and I meld with it, allow my fear and inadequacy thoughts to finally just take a break, and see that they are devices only, that judgments of good and bad, right and wrong, dark and light, then duality is illuminated. And that is the point of this day, I think.
I have been thinking about this corridor, ever since waking up in a cold sweat about numbers, that tomorrow is sort of just icing on the cake. I understood today was the meat and potatoes, and tomorrow would be dessert. My thoughts about Christmas are brand new, in many ways, newly clarified. I have rethought this whole thing, and like how I have chosen to spend these days.
Thank you, as always, for reading along. I feel better having gotten this out, and feel sleepy, happy, more focused and physical now. I like what’s happening to me. GIVE ME MORE has been my forever stance with all this stuff. I want it all. I want it all. I want it all.
Blessings to you and yours this season. However you are celebrating it, and if you are not, that’s fine too, of course, I hope these days are finding you happy and peaceful. Know that I love you, I see you, I know you, and we, the two of us, are together here, trying on something new, twirling around for each other, making funny faces in the mirror.
Just trying new things on, and, funny thing is, have you noticed this, when you’re trying on new clothes, maybe clothes you would never think to wear, fancy and expensive, and then, you put something from such a collection on and you suddenly feel more normal than you ever have in your life? Have you had that experience?
When you wear something and you just feel different, then? It is an echo to this, for me. Trying on new ways to see, feel, know myself and others, this world, this beautiful earth,and then, ahhhhh, my breath deepens, I expand, and I am home.
I am home now, all the time, now, and I wish this for you, if it is your wish.