Deeply Awake — Please Assume I Love You 12-6-13 By Kathy Vik
On old friend and I went shopping yesterday, and we had a lovely time. I am glad that we are enjoying each others’ company. While I was in transition, during the deepest time, I felt strangely disconnected and sort of perpetually hurt by my loved ones. I think, now, what was happening was a review, not of their behavior, god no, but of the relationships we’d fashioned thus far, the roles and lessons and all that.
It was the cauldron from which I could not lift my eyes that put everything I contemplated into a weird prism, multitudinous fractals, and it all got pretty intense. A smile was not a smile, it was a lifetime. A snub was not a snub, it was a statement of faith. Heady times through which my loved ones also walked, during my time of transition.
But things are clearer now, and I want to talk about it.
I shared with you my love of Jesus, and then, of course, the dam broke yet again, the structure which had previously pent-up my understandings burst, and now, grateful for my previous understandings, I am seeing things differently.
I bought a book at the bins called The journeys of St. Paul. It is an excellent history book, something I had always wanted but had never found. Wanting to know more about this time in history has been tricky.
In order to get at it, get the context and such, get the information, I went to a lot of different sources, and I can see that these were helpful and beautiful pilgrimages, but I had always been looking for something that would tie it all up together for me.
I studied this time as best I could. I read the bible, and I went to church, and tried to pay attention. I loved and integrated Jesus Christ Superstar. I took a year of Latin in college, after mainlining I, Claudius and all things Roman. But I did not have interest in the apostles, thought they were second fiddle to the main event, and so, there were huge gaps in my training, in my remembering.
This book, it has helped me, it’s helped me heal. I see now just how much of a revolutionary Jesus was. Understanding the dynamics of the political landscape was crucial, and I never pursued this sort of study before, because I found the whole thing cloaked in a good guys/bad guys sort of vibe.
I wanted to go someplace, a school, where I could learn Greek, Latin, and really GET the times. I considered seminary, but there again, to get to the good stuff, I would have to profess a faith, and I wasn’t up to that this lifetime. I didn’t like the faiths at hand. And mostly, that’s because they are male-dominated, aggressively proselytizing, and I have a real thing against proselyting.
Last night, after full immersion in this book, I went to bed and slept like the dead. Finally, after a couple weeks of ragged, red, restless sleep, I had a night of deep blue, velvety sleep. I awoke once, and I saw a lit up map in my mind. I saw it was a journey, but not to anywhere, not really, the destinations were unimportant. The map was lighting up things that needed to get done, people who needed to be spoken to, helped, and it was a map of my travels. I saw the destinations as a grouping of light, and I kept hearing the word proselytize.
This morning, when I returned to the book, I realize that I had been wrong about the apostles. They were doing what needed to be done in their historic times. The pushing out of the information, the stretching of consciousness, it had to be done in terms that would be understood, so all the talk of punishment and somebody croaking so that you could feel good about yourself, that was done so that people could stretch themselves further than they’d stretched before. Increments. Baby steps.
And now, things are stretching again. There are so many who are awakening, opening to new ideas, new thoughts that maybe just two weeks ago looked psychotic. Now, they come again into awareness, and they don’t seem so odd.
Why label this “Please Assume I Love You,” when I am going on and on and on about the old days, dusty days of creaky knowledge, and the gross misinterpretations we are now aware of as failing doctrine?
It has to do with the shopping trip I had with an old friend of mine. At one point we were talking about the inevitable circle jerk that is work in this day and age, the bosses knee deep in mommy and daddy issues, promotions of people who then request, and sometimes demand, to be taught how to manage, by the ones they are supposed to be managing. Just all the stupidity we see sometimes in the workplace.
She has a spectacularly dumb boss, one who is manipulative to boot. And she said about it, “I am just so tired of people assuming they know how I feel. No one has that right, and everybody does it.” Her boss had projected all kinds of weird motivation to my sister’s steady, strong performance in her job. It gets old. People assume a lot, and what they assume is nothing but their own crap.
And now, upon waking from another deep sleep, readying for work, I was aware, while coming to, burning up, and thinking, about a new facebook friend.
She had been tip-toeing and apologizing for something, I forget what, oh, for messaging me, and then I didn’t respond, so she was apologizing. I told her, messaged her, and said, listen up friend, here’s the deal with me. My friends get lots of room. There is no counting, no keeping score, and no obligation, ever ever ever to respond to anything, ever. Everyone I am in company with does as they see fit.
I wrote to her, feeling forceful and sure, hey, listen, there are times when, even if I wanted to, I am unable to respond. I have to “go away” sometimes, and if I don’t respond, it is not personal. Ever. It’s how I am.
And so, I also give that to others. No need to respond right away, or at all, really, to anything. Be free, grasshopper, be free.
And this, more than anything, is what has stuck with me.
Upon this last waking up, I had the dictation coming in very loud, and I could taste what I was going to write. An odd thing I have come to enjoy, feeling I can taste, or sensually comprehend, what is to be written next. This is a meal. A good one.
I realized, listening to the dictation, that I needed to write it out so that I could see it whole, because what I was saying to my friends, in my mind, I realize that this was, or I hoped was, being said by my creator toward me.
So here it is, my list of assumptions that I really really wish people would make about me.
Please assume that I love you. Please just assume that I love you. Please assume that I love you.
Please assume that I see you as strong, and capable, and a miracle. I see you as an active participant in your life events, and not a victim of them, so I can help you quite a lot with any problems you have, since everything you are aware of is coming from you. Let me help you carry your burden. Please let me show you that you can just put your burden down, at least when you are around me.
Please assume that I know of your pain, and have intimate knowledge of the things you wish you could hide from even yourself. And I love all of it. All the things you do in secret, the things you are ashamed of, I also have those things, and have learned to love them, and I love your worries and your shames, too.
Please assume that I am on your side. I want you to be exactly how you want to be. If you want to be sad, it’s ok, and if you want to celebrate, I’ll dance and sing and laugh with you. Please assume I don’t care how you feel, except how it relates to your awareness of yourself. If you want to be miserable, I still love you. I have to. I was loved through my misery. I know it is more valuable than gold, and more, it is the way of warriors, those who change worlds, to love that which is unlovable.
Please assume that I think good thoughts about you, and that I don’t want anything bad or mean or scary to happen to you. I don’t want you to suffer, not at all, and I want for you to call out for me when you are suffering. But know, with me, I will not assume you are feeling anything, you must tell me, so that I know what your awareness is. If I do not have that information, I will assume nothing. I will love you.
Please assume that I will never discard you, no matter what you do, or say, or think. Know, please, please know, that I love you. If you do something that is disturbing, unkind, thoughtless, and intentionally so, I will probably wind up talking to you about it, bringing it up, and I will probably find I had been lacking information and depth, compassion, but if I am having trouble with you, I will tell you this. If we aren’t having such a conversation, please please please know, just assume, I love you.
Please assume that I will help you, as best I can, when you ask for help. Understand that I know how important help is, it’s really what makes the whole thing go, these encounters and meetings of the heart. So, please, ask for help, would you>? Assume I will never ever make fun of you for needing assistance. Please don’t muzzle yourself when you need to speak, or bark, or bite. I can take care of myself.
Please assume that there is not one thing you have done, said or thought that I cannot forgive, forget and move from. Nothing. So, please assume a position of honesty with me. I will not hold you in shame, and I will not hate you for your littleness. I have littleness too. I ride around with ugly too, and I love it, as I love my shiny.
Please assume that you are my friend, and I want to know you. I want to be with you in your caves, the ones you have never found anyone to explore with. The ones you have yet to explore. Please assume I know how to mountain climb, and I like a good walk. I will walk with you up your mountain, and will feel nothing but awe and gratitude if you let me encounter the parts of you that have been unexplored.
Please assume that I see you as triumphant, and beautiful and brave, because I do. I really really do. Even if you are really hard to love, it just means that there’s stuff you have yet to love about yourself. I love it, I love you, you cannot surprise me.
Please assume that if I feel disappointment at your choices, I will keep this to myself, keep my own counsel, unless I just cannot, and then, we will talk about it. But know, going in, that I have come to understand that that which I cannot love is that which I am unable to understand. Once I can gain the right perspective, the beauty shines through.
Please assume that I am happy, and full, and satisfied, and that you are not in my life to fill me, or some void within me. You are not my savior, and I will never put you in that position. If I do, I’ll wind up realizing and then talking about it, so there you go. I know enough to see that when I cannot love something, it is me that is deficient, needing perspective. So assume that you are just fine.
And assume that when I say enough, it means enough. Please assume that what I tell you is true, and don’t read into what I have to say. Don’t read into what I do, too much. I am not that mysterious, and not good at messing about with perception. Please assume I need your honesty for this to work well.
And so, please assume that if you and I are incompatible as people, I will not keep myself or you within something that is painful or small or inappropriate. Assume that I will always think fondly of you, even if one or both of us screw up and lose the connection. It’s not a screw-up, it’s change. I see you, your role, it can be an adversarial one, and our relationship can be sad, or hard, or poignant. But I will come to see you with eyes of love, only with love. Assume I love you.
So, there you have it. I wonder, is my creator like that?
I think my creator is my best friend, completely allied with my happiness and actualization, and would never place me in an inappropriate situation. That is a laughable thought. I like to think of my soul, sometimes.
My love affair with Kryon began when I read a quite scientific treatise on quantum energy of his, but it was prefaced with a thought so profound that it made time stand still. I was at The Golden Lotus bookstore, looking at an old Sedona magazine, in the used section of the store. It was a channeling issue, and it was the first time that Kryon effected me physically.
I read, standing there at the magazine kiosk, and later, at home, again and again, the idea that there is a part of me here, right now, with me now, that has been with me in every single incarnation I have ever had.
A guardian, a holder of knowledge, a keeper of all things, someone or something that is here, physically present with me, who has been through every single thing I have ever encountered in a life.
This watcher, this friend, has great intelligence and such depth, there can be no hatred within it. It is too vast to do such a thing as hate, or fear. It is ancient and true, and knows me better than I do as this human. And it wants to talk.
Of course this is true, I knew it, I just knew it, and I felt better for the knowing.
I think on that day now, and I smile, thinking, “Oh, look at what I am opening myself to now!” as the reel plays in my head, in my heart.
It is this friend, I think, who holds the assumptions I do about my friends. Assume I love you. Assume I will never ever think a bad thought about you. Assume I am incapable of writing you off or being critical. Assume I love you. Assume I love you Assume I love you.
When I was first awakening this last time, I read something David Wilcock said in one of his long essays about The Man, and it set off gongs in me. He said, imagine a world where no one carries shame.
Imagine it! No one feels shame about themselves, and no one, by extension, is able to project shame onto anyone else. Imagine the freedom! Imagine the fun! Imagine the creativity!
I had a dream where I was surrounded by such people, and it healed me of something ancient and dark. I realized that I am constantly around those who are in shame, and project it like an IMAX camera. Being without it, even in the dream state, it became a reality, and I liked it.
I cannot heal up and make right what is within you that makes you feel ashamed. It’s not my path. But I can love you through your doing it for yourself. I can hold the light of neutrality and high regard. You have not done anything wrong. You are guiltless, and I know that, and I am just waiting for everybody to sort of catch up, at this point.
So, I am deliberately publishing this today to tell the world, this works for me, and it might feel good, if you wanted to try it on for size. I don’t own these thoughts, they were given to me, and I worked with them, because my forever friend wanted me to.
I think of my forever friend, my soul, as the one who helps things glide into place, who puts books and conversations and longings in me, and then I get to live them out, put them into context and even field test them. I have final say, as to how I hold myself, what I tell myself, and how I relate to my world and situations.
I end with a thought which is big and pretty.
While reading that book, this morning, I felt a quietness settle onto me. It felt good, complete, like a blanket which came over me. I had to rest. I was laying on my bed. I felt pushed into it. My eyes closed. I went away.
I came back needing to talk, out loud, alone in my apartment. I talked loudly, forcefully, and for all time. With great authority.
I realized that I have been unable to kick-start the 3d portion of my life (what job is next, nurse vs writer, blah blah blah), and realized, here it is.
I went far away, and things on the 3d side sort of slid off me as unimportant. I let things go, and this is loved into wholeness now because, rather than being pulled up into a spaceship or turning into a ball of light on a hill in a field, I did the work in physicality, in lesson. But I have been away, now, for a while.
I said, announced, that I understand now, and love and respect myself now, for this imbalance, and now, finally , I can right it.
That part of me that found it just couldn’t cope with mundane activities, and who was blown apart by simple interactions, who went deep when pondering an orange slice, or had conversations with trees, this was the part of me I had been loving, and I had done it to the exclusion of physicality. I could not abide with increments, with baby steps, with not having things whole.
And now, I said, loudly, from my bed, I understand that I have to change how I approach things.
I have ridden a weird roller coaster with money. And what I have done is to not have a baseline of solidity, or structure, of stability. Being stable, that has been something I have purposefully shied away from, me seeing it as a false construct, a delusion.
And now I see that playing it that what is optional. I see now that creating stability, creating a pattern, creating an environment and a life situation which is stable is the next thing. I have had my time away, and I am better for it. And now, I want to create stability.
So I will do a menu plan tonight. And write a grocery list. I will consider how to move things along a bit, because my life, in 3d terms, has been sort of static, allowing for internal journeys, not attending very much to the physical
I also realized the value in the trip I made to Vegas a year and a half ago. I had so little money, I lived on grapes and anxiety the whole time, but I got it, I really did, that this life is about DELIGHT. Do that which delights in this moment, and this one, and this one. DELIGHT. And I did it on a shoestring.
So, I will now do that in this life. Sure, I have tried, and failed, repeatedly, to do this these last couple years, but now, it seems to be possible. I realized this, on my bed, talking loudly to myself, and said, “How I am currently interpreting life is not commensurate with my magnificence. I will now do the physical things that are commensurate with my magnificence. I will delight myself once again.”
So I close with that, because I think that this part of me who has all the answers, has been with me every time, every time I have been incarnate, this part of me is now not standing next to me whispering at me. I feel, through the last bit of time, that what has been happening is that this part of me now is seeing through my physical eyeballs sometimes, and I feel this part of me not to my right or to my left, but within me, part of me, as me.
I can remember a lovely afternoon when I took my son to Utah Pool in Aurora. I was in the kiddy pool, floating on my back, looking up at the huge beams high above. As I drifted, I saw that I was going to slowly move tot he very center, the very very center, of the structure. I felt anticipation, and excitement, floating there, drifting, watching. I felt uncharacteristically excited.
And I heard them say that it is good to see through my eyes, to be seeing through this face, to be alive in this way.
It was a fleeting thing, but I think it is the way of it.
So I like the idea of the watcher being me, me being the watcher. As I burn off the flimsy explanations for people’s behavior, and my own, and as I burn off the expectations that flimsy thinking creates, I am left only with this grand assumption, that I am loved, and that everyone around me is also worthy and capable of this love.
Is that proselytizing, or is that just one of the destinations on my lit up map? Is it just a place I visit, and then, when I look back at my travels, I can remember what it was like being there, and can call to me the wonder and awe I felt when seeing these vistas for the very first time.
I love you, and I want you to assume this. I want you to just allow me to love you, and to love, accept, permit, enjoy, allow allow allow this for yourselves. I will remind you of it, when needed, never to shame, only to comfort.
Assume I love you. Please.