Deeply Awake – Upon Reflection By Kathy Vik 1-25-18
Today is an anniversary day for me. Six years ago I lost my job. Right before the ax fell, I had a vision, unexpectedly and intensely altering my response to this unwelcome, intentionally shaming, and truly disheartening event. I have described in this work. I was never the same, affter that day. Although there were events leading up to this release, this is the day there was a before and after. I wanted to write today, and I like that this impulse hits me so hard on this very special day.
I’m coming to you after months, nay, nearly two years, now, of video messages. I am glad that I discovered the fun and power and freedom of loosening up my throat, opening my mouth and spitting it out. I did a video today, 45 minutes long, and phenomenal. I blew myself away. And yet, I couldn’t hold my own interest, so I went back to this publishing thing I am doing, moving all my old stuff over to my house, all my babies almost under one roof, for the very first time.
I enjoyed the brief review I give these essays, the touch-ups are haphazard, though I am getting good at being thorough with spell-check. Even so, I wait until a moment of stillness before getting out my phone, going to my site, and beginning to really read. Really absorb just what it is I have been saying, ad nauseum, since March of 2012.
For those who have been reading, but who are unfamiliar with my video work, I want to say just a few things which might feel repetitious, at times, if you’ve been watching on youtube. Bear with me.
I think I explained prior to republishing my work, I want to be able to access my work in one location, because then I can start printing out and editing my work, but further, cull from the work highlights, key moments, visions which really helped, a revised version of this, to help others on their way. The highest meditations, the most divine visitations and realities I have known I would really like in one place, a slender volume perhaps, which my son and I agree will be called Becoming Deeply Awake.
That process will require watching the videos for that information, and after that, there’ll be the transcription. It’s a big project, but I am enjoying each step.
The reason I am writing is I am about to publish a work called “I Can See Home From Here.” I smile. I was writing an author’s note for it that turned into a page and a half, and it was then I realized, huh, well, looky looky, here’s a friend I haven’t seen in a while! The urge to write grew stronger, and now here I am, surprised, truly surprised that I am typing as fluidly as I had, when cranking out these monsters. During the time I was recording, I found my interest in writing wane, my attention span shortens, and when I did it, I was poorly coordinated, it felt off, and the typos were just so horribly abundant.
I’m glad that I don’t take any of this real seriously, in that, I know I’m being led, and all I am expected to do is follow the nudges, hear and then respond as I wish to the counsel and information given. That’s about it.
That’s perhaps why, after my fingertips danced over these keys like an impassioned composer writing an inspired symphony, back in those days, after I published, settled down and then simply read, I would often be shocked. In that state of union I get in, such happy bliss it is to write, there is a rhythm, a place where I was not a human in jammies tapping away at a keyboard.
I was instead a messenger, a scribe, a soul, just singing. Always, within every sentence, shining from the lines, there is that soul, that happy one, the one who feels honored to be here again, speaking again, helping once again. It’s good to be here, it’s good it went so well.
I liked those states, but you can tell, I’ll bet, just how much anxiety and bad thinking, just faulty, deeply ingrained thinking I was yet to do.
I have always thought about expansion and contraction as necessary and beautiful ways in which consciousness operates. I think of this like breathing. Expansions in consciousness do not go away. Just like you can’t unsee some things, your soul, our consciousness can’t unknow some things. It happens when we go from childhood through puberty. It happens throughout life, as we evolve, adapt, grow, change, respond, resist, react, retire. Each of us has breathing bodies, but our awarenesses, our very life stories seem to have this feature, of rest times, and active times.
Anyhow, just like, if during one of your more active times, you learned how to snorkel, during times of repose, or focused on other endeavors, you will always have the history, and perhaps the life-long ability, to snorkel.
Just as this is true, so too is it with our understandings about ourselves, our god, our place, this time of earth, and the web which entangles us together in magic and giddy elation. We love each other so well, we have hidden many gifts for ourselves, and asked our soul friends, your cast of life characters, to deliver them to you. Some you discover on your own.
And, happy happy, now is the time for such fun. I can feel the happiness and I can hear the giggling, behind the partition, where we go to meet and plan all the stuff that goes down in our daily lives. I think if we believed just a bit more in this place not being mean, that we’re playing roles with and for each other, maybe we’d at least look at each other a little differently, not as enemy, but as co-creator.
That’s really hard to do when you’re quivering with anger, with rage, with deeply personal indignation, once again stanching blood from a wound thought closed, scarred over. Each can be prone to these particular dips, these contractions in energy.
“Staying in your core” is how to not be swept up and into this madness, something many are experiencing now. But “staying in your core”may mean something a little different to you by the time I’m done.
One thing about all this consciousness shift work, the full-bore type that I’ve been experiencing since 2012, is that I was haunted, truth be told, with a fear of not measuring up, doing this wrong.
The work echoes with this fear, and although I have rooted out many of the root causes, the mistaken beliefs, the misunderstandings which goosed me in quiet moments and filled me with a peculiarly tenacious self-doubt, it wasn’t until I really let loose that I understood a little better about this next part.
I had an experience a few days ago that I’m still learning from. The details are fading, even now, while the circumstances are fresh. What matters is that I once and for all got in touch with a rage I’d tamped down my whole life.
It was a safe thing, and although the situation is irrelevant and completely neutralized, it was the experience of being within that unfurling, when you reach an internal tipping point of rage, and the most luscious variety of this energy is when to be outraged, indignant, beyond contempt, oh my, when it is deserved? Well-earned? Oh, that makes the rage all the sweeter.
But honestly, when do you ever get mad, that kind of mad, over something that isn’t deeply, and I do mean deeply personal?
That’s what I have discovered, you know. The disputes which shatter bodies and homes, whether the outburst happens in a bedroom, a washroom or a schoolroom, whether the weapon is a gun or a well-placed damning, it’s really a boggling thing to realize most of those disputes, if they could be languaged emotionally, soulically, wind up being about not feeling loved, or feeling put down, or feeling hurt. These insults are cumulative, they are done to a silent one, one who finally can take no more and unfurls, into the madness, into the rage that perhaps always enveloped them, while calling itself an advocate.
These are times of intensifying energy, and I want to explain what I have come to know, after unfurling, easily and fully, once and for all.
What comes with unfurling is then a dazed consciousness, the crackling red static of anger now a grey, hopeless reality, where desolation, and failure crushes against the heart and mind. There is then remorse, and a petition for forgiveness then follows. Physical contact is given and received. New depths of understanding, relief and compassion flood the neurobiology, where once it was intoxicated on rage. And thus, the cycle perpetuates itself.
I have seen various versions of this throughout this lifetime, and to live it, safely and (clearly) allegorically, and I have a few things to say about it, now that I went there, and I’m back.
Once the consciousness has expanded, it cannot return to an unexpanded state. That makes good common sense, but the thing is, when you are knee deep in the Weird, and the lights in your soul, in your life, seem to be flickering, the emotions are deep, the lessons and events profound, the synchronicity beyond question, even then, there are contractions, times when things get hard, or scary, or you lose your shit, or don’t understand something and things don’t go so well. Is that ok?
I’ll let you in on the punch line. This event I am describing, it is part of an ongoing relationship which cannot be severed. There is no walking away from this. It must be understood. It must be reconciled. It has largely been, now. A place between two people requiring active mindfulness, and the intention to learn, to grow, to level up and out of this pocket of reality.With nothing but cooperation in sight, and devoted desire to love and be loved in return, it is a living laboratory, a place to grow into more mature, balanced and centered human beings.
This journey of ascension is one which must reconcile the human condition in which it presents. There is shadow here. There is darkness here. And there is light. I knew about that light as a girl, and very young, I decided that I would follow it. I’d err on the side of it. What that meant is I stayed away from things that felt dark, mischievous, mean-spirited. I liked taking the high road.
As a nurse, it was an easy stance to stake, and I don’t mean that in a holier-than-thou way, but in an I’m- here-to-hold-space-for-you-to-be-you stance. I could stay above the fray, above things that only lead to ruin, like rage, and any number of other ways to hurt others.
The thing is, although there is comfort in taking this road, the one walking it is not immune to the rage s/he is often invited to engage in. I simply did not tolerate that kind of personality in my friends, I found peaceful and creative people. I sought out and found solace with the emotionally intelligent, on my off hours.
But, just because someone takes the high road, and is purposeful about creating peace and harmony in their private lives, that doesn’t mean they are immune to feeling rage. That’s the thing. I would listen to Kryon, and other teachers, and my own, and the admonishment is that of loving others.
And so, one of the hardest, and last, pushes, or initiations, or leaps, was to get to a place of peace with this whole set-up.
How do I reconcile my casual flicking of the wrist toward some folks? Is that ever an acceptable way to address a fellow human, my inner critic would holler at me. How do I reconcile being this amazing, ooh-la-la vision person with my white-hot rage for certain things people are doing?
This was such a central koan, like something I ate and slept and drank.
How can I be all of it? Aren’t I supposed to be a lightbeing, full of grace, mercy, acceptance, forgiveness?
So, you know, sometimes shit things happen for the best reasons.
I had this big, what I call, “unfurling,” into anger that consumed me, and I was really ok with that. I abandoned myself to this anger. That an interesting phrase, “abandoned myself to.”
I had an uncomfortable afternoon and evening because I was actually living within this energy of disdain and self-protection and threat.I knew I was not understood, not listened to, and I hated it. I was filled with hate. And I was ok with that too.
Fear thoughts., all of it, fear thoughts. I suppose they could be thought of as mine, but they seemed foreign. Sleek, easy to maneuver, but not mine, this is not my experience, I do not want this ever again.
That was my thinking by bedtime, having recovered among friends who hold great love for me, and I them.
How do I reconcile, how do I forgive, my willingness to decimate another, to turn their psyche into a smudge on my carpet? How do I bring this in? How can I forgive myself this?
Please understand, I didn’t hurt anybody, I just mouthed off, but I didn’t say nice things, I said harmful things, and I didn’t care. I walked on the low road, and I felt like shit, until I plugged back into the mainframe, until I remembered to feel good again.
I understood after this event, that I am doing my fellow traveler a grave disservice by thinking myself a huge, white solar angel. Sure, I know it’s true, and I can feel that energy at will, and I thought, having been a student of Kryon, that to be a “new” human, I’d be a lot softer, and I wouldn’t even know how to “unfurl.” That doing so counts against me, that it is evidence I haven’t made it yet. I am still broken.
Ahh, that doctrine is insidious, one that Kryon does NOT represent, but one which my heavy Judeo-Christian akash rings with. As such, the admonitions on the value of temperance are strong, and to me, it’s just a rule book on how to stay on the high road. The way I was positioned, it was so hard to imagine that I could get mad and still be saved, in essence.
And so, that event, it sort of stands as a graduation of sorts.
I had a talk with myself once the lights were out, the room was still, and I could simply relax. The image of my wings, these huge, white bird wings that have been, over time, tattered a bit at the edges, and that are no longer pure white, but black speckles these massive, rugged, worn wings.
I first saw these things last year, around this time. It gives me solace, thinking on them, because I know them to be as real as my fingers. They just can’t be seen by most.
In a swirl of understanding, there in the dark, I allowed the darkness I have pushed away an entire lifetime, I allowed myself to see I have within me this darkness, and it is not what my mind thinks it is. I realized that am made whole with this darkness, and I am sovereign over it, we are indeed friends, but this friend knows I am, just by the nature of things, its more mature friend.
I don’t want to give the impression that I invited great darkness into my fields. That’s not what I am saying, but instead, I think I had to admit, at the deepest levels, that I am capable of immense destruction, and immense creation. I am both those things. It’s not about getting rid of this destructive force. It isn’t about making it smaller, even. It’s about seeing things as they really are.
In this body, in this lifetime, in these stories, I have biologic access to behavior and thoughts and feelings which trigger a powerful neurochemical wash which renders me immobile, soulically. And in that space, that wonderfully intense place of Kali, of Shiva, of all the destroyers on this earth now and in ages past, I have that in me. I am capable of great darkness, terrible acts, foul words and painful deeds. Yes. It’s true. It’s true.
It really was as simple as that.
The last word on my lips last night was “restructuring.” I fell asleep happy to be going where I was going, actually happy to cooperate with sleep, knowing I was going to work, so to speak, and knowing that I would be feeling better about everything in the morning.
In order to go forward, there are some things I must leave behind. Some of them contain a hint of this darkness. The desire to compare my new thoughts to the old ones, my new reality to the old one. I have done that to help me see the improvements, which were, at one time, spaced very far apart. The old “compare and contrast” method of writing, of analyzing data I used again and again and again.
And I don’t want to do that anymore.
I think this is a burden, something I carry around that slows things down, but that I think is absolutely life-and-death necessary. And it just isn’t. The lookback period, certainly as an artist and reporter, this look back period will be a soup I live in, because I am doing a lot of Deeply Awake stuff now. But I stand much more aware of my point of power, here, in this present, and often I am noticing and reminding myself of all the little joys I have in my reality.
This blazing white solar angel, this innocent, she comes out to play, and it is there I can access the core, but this happiness, this feeling of sweetness, hope, connection, being blessed, this is not the end product, and for most of this trip, I thought it was.
This innocence and deep appreciation, it’s a great place to hang, and I believe it is absolutely necessary in ascension. Gratitude leads us home, and it’s easy to do with a little tiny bump, usually. This deep gratitude is like a door which leads to the core, to home, to deep reality, to balance and common sense and new ideas that work in everyone’s benefit.
The core, for me, is my galactic truth. I know of my roots, and they are in the stars. My visions remind me of, not so much where I’ll someday go, but who and what I am in this moment. And this, to me, is the core. It is expanded, it includes all, it does not, cannot judge, simply because the perspective is so large, the scale mind-boggling.
Duality is a flavor, a kind of physics, and in the core, when I am aware of the whales, the forests, multiverses and Bible verses, in that space, there can be nothing but coherence, entrained realities, and the qualities we bang on about, love and respect, dignity and care, they are obvious, in my core, here in my skin, and smiling, at peace, here at the typewriter, seeing the galaxies spin, feeling my loved ones.
We are asked to stay in our core, and what I am describing is my core. It is not a place where darkness is banished. It is a place where the darkness was dreamed up. I guess I wanted to say this “out loud” because I have guilt-tripped myself for a lifetime, over this stuff.
It’s funny. My very first video was entitled “Embodiment,” in which I ask a very interesting question, one I would spend nearly two years examining. Does having conflict in your life make you ineligible for ascension?
I have conflict within me. I pushed that darkness away, my very own, my own destroyer, my inner Kali. It was a good choice for me, but I was rightfully angry about a lot of stuff in my life. I served others, I found a way to turn the other cheek, to not fight back. And the rage built up. The raw anger. I saw, while super p.o.’d that it is vital to have a physical outlet for this energy. It is so intense!
While I contend the “How dare you treat me this way!” and other such personal outrages we go through, these are aggressions, and although we constantly experience micro-aggressions that we”ve all just agreed not to notice, it’s the ones you think are delivered by loved ones that are the most juicy, the most apt to trigger this anger response, this neurochemical wash. But it can be a public figure, an event, there are many triggers, and they all have to do with feeling unheard, unappreciated, unloved.
I think practicing these simple things, feeling gratitude, imagining things aren’t as bad as all that, these are ways to start the engine up, the engine that propels you into relief, best found in meditation, especially at first.
There are many far past me on this path, many I walk with, and many just beginning, but this light, it loves us all equally, and it is not only bestowing healing, love, light, but it is delivering help for us all, as our DNA restructures.
I decided to write this because an introduction to an essay was too long, and I realized, boy howdy! I’m raring to go again! I wanted to explain about the core, about being home while in a body, feeling peace when all around you are invitations to join the fray.
The truth is, I am having a blast these days because things are so soft, so easy, and I trust this to continue. I am able to create, to do art and to help friends, to meet new ones and find new joys. I am blessed, and I am free, and I am at peace now when I didn’t think it possible. I figured I was just about cooked, and the lingering sadnesses would just be with me forever.
But I feel different, released of burdens I have carried so very long. And I feel a new-found trust for myself. Somehow it was in accepting this basic truth about myself that I feel a new lightness, a new humor and grace I didn’t have before. More generous in conversation, certainly.
There is an energetic truth to any such work, as described above, that of expansion, and contraction. Of independence and testing, of free flow and restriction. But lately, I am thinking these expansions and contractions of consciousness, I wonder if what I have been describing is me riding a spiral of my own evolving consciousness. The tests, the circumstances are now so metaphoric, so lyrical and healing, I think what I am seeing is a spiraling up, and a fractal reality. The same bumps, the same set-ups, in a spiral of ever-evolving awareness.
What I know to be true, in my core, in my eyes, is this. We test ourselves, we give ourselves old stimuli, and intense stimuli, our souls do, and we are given free will. How are we going to play it?
Are we going to assume we are once again being harmed? That things are slanted against you? Are you going to choose to remain in habit, in stasis, when offered a new activity or new friend?
You can take this to the bank: I know when I am testing myself, or being tested. The stimuli comes, and I can act as I always have, or I can try something new, something that breaks the back of this conflict, rendering it void? What’s it going to be? Once I make the choice to at differently, and for me this means I act with a mind no longer biased in victim stuff, no matter the outcome of my attempt, the old behavior, the old reality, has weakened.
I hope this spoke to you, and I hope it helped you. I hope, if it didn’t, that’s ok by me. Thanks for looking in.
The essay I am excited to read is entitled, “I Can See Home From Here.” It is so beautiful, as I recall, and I’m excited to sit quietly and drink it in. I recall it was one that inspired me, and I was able to use this voice of mine in new ways, ways that delighted and surprised me, this one especially, though, to be honest, each and every one of my old essays take my breath away.
I am enjoying my work, and hoping you are finding happiness in your chosen industry, and that you are experiencing balance, peace, harmony, if only for a flash, now and then. We are coming online, and our minds are not in charge of this. Our innate bodies, our vehicles know far more than our brains. So it is a time to trust ourselves, to dwell within the core. I’m so pleased I got to describe it better, what it is for me.
Thank you for reading. You are my blessing. I’ve enjoyed connecting this evening. Now it’s on to other things, creature comforts, simple joys, and lofty knowings, snuggled up in bed, thankfully, after this thankfully soft and easy day.
It’s a new way, now, the energy flooding us evoking within us invitations into realms we have not known to consider. I am glad I can language what it is like for me. As always, I enjoy hearing others stories, and I encourage my readers to chime in with their own experiences. We’re in this thing together, after all.