Deeply Awake — Finished With Karma 10-17-13 By Kathy Vik
This morning I saw a facebook post of a picture of a middle aged woman in a shorts uniform, smiling. The caption explained that this woman had always wanted to work at a well-known outdoor theme park, and here she was, being photographed in her new uniform. Her son was old enough now, and she finally got what she had always wanted, and they were celebrating her.
I thought about how this woman is looking at the camera, having realized one of her dreams. I commented with congratulations, and I smiled at her face, thinking happy, or, actually, joyous thoughts to her and her family. Right on.
And then I thought, see, this is the mystery and fun of it all. Us hearing the siren song of our hearts, recognizing that which lights us up from the inside, and then pursuing it, and then snapping a picture, to capture that moment, a moment of relaxing in things coming together.
She probably had a lot of those moments, the birth of her child, maybe her wedding day, maybe a new house. Lots of milestones, lots of dreams come true, lots of things that the younger version of her wanted, sought out, prayed for, and then delighted in.
That her dream involved sweating in the sun in an amusement park, is that any less creative than me, banging away on a computer in my jammies? We all have things we are proud of accomplishing, as odd or funny as they may appear to others. The only kind thing to do is to encourage each other’s dreams and needs, just as odd as they may appear to us.
I was in deep samadhi when I arrived at kirtan last night. Very expanded. Very expanded. I was ready.
I sat in that first silence and told my loved ones I would like a miracle. Something I will always remember, something surprising and something that would delight me. I intend to experience a full-on miracle.
I went many places and learned many things last night. There is not enough paper, coffee or smokes today to go through each of them, and I held a happy feeling about that in kirtan. I realized I couldn’t encapsulate what was happening, and it strangely did not matter to me anymore.
I have been describing, blow by blow, what this has been like, to turn on, to stay lit, to find and maintain a center which cannot be disturbed, and a peace which cannot be broken.
Now, it has become the fabric of my life, much like depression, futility, doubt, used to be my raiment.
The highlight came, for me, when I realized that I was running bent, my energy bent, still. I thought on the meditation I had had, showing me the energetic circuit of how we have interpreted energy, as a species, for a long, long time. Bending to the heart of another, running our light through another, tricking ourselves into thinking that the other is the source of our good, our light, our happiness, safety, meaning, identity.
And in ecstatic meditation, I came to see that, although I do run very strong, so strong the light is that it crackles, honestly, I can hear and feel it pop when it really hits a certain pitch, but, there it was, I was looking more like a flower than a column. I saw areas where I was bending low, and areas where I was spiky, sort of projecting my energy out in a harsh, almost knife-like way.
I did not want to do that anymore. I wanted consolidation of this light, and I decided I did not want to peel any light off, into others, into beliefs which are not sturdy.
So I looked at the areas in which I do that, there in meditation.
Compartmentalized, just as pretty as you please, was me, as girl-wanting-a-date, bending low to male energy, doing the dance I was taught at my mother’s hemline, please the other, please the other, please the other.
It was less a habit and more a survival technique in my house, and I carried that pattern with me until last night.
I don’t fault anyone for having taught me this, and I don’t think bad thoughts about me having adopted this stance as a valid and necessary one. But looking at it last night, I brought it in, pulled up that leaf, that energy, and kept seeing me running my light up and down. When I got into the groove, I could feel a difference in how I was running. I felt better. Calmer. More confident.
Then, one by one, I brought each person to me who is significant to me this lifetime, now. I spoke with each of them intimately, and I asked for their forgiveness. I could see where I had been very judgmental, and as I cried and smiled and chanted, I released each and every one of them, once again, but now, strangely, for all time, to go be happy. With or without me, please, you are released, seek your light, I love you.
And then, I realized I had been making a bit of an energetic mistake with this writing career.
I have aggrandized it, symbolized and obsessed over it for so long. Decades. Decades.
And so, I brought it up. Me, the visions I have had, all of it. The feeling states, the smell of paper and the crack of new hardback books being opened for the first time. Travel, adventure, all of it. I brought it up, and I had one last talk.
I realized that I have made the mistake of walking with my desire, rather than having released it to the ethers. The Teachers taught us that to manifest, you bring up what it is you want, especially the feeling state, don’t focus on visuals, and then you inhabit it, and THEN YOU LET IT GO. I had forgotten that part. You have to let it go.
It then travels to where potential lie, and everybody gets to work. You let it go, knowing it will return to you, perhaps not in the same form, but always, always with a prayer. So I held up my love, the one which has been playing hide and seek with me all this time, and I felt it.
I could see it, feel it, taste it, there, in the living room.
And I told it, I release you. I ask that the outcome be of the highest love, light and sound for all involved, in gentleness to all parts of self, in every dimension, level and frequency.
And I then felt like that swirling tornado energy, but clear. I asked the manifestation to return to me, to my physical fields, in divine timing. It had dispersed, with the prayer of release, and as I said the final words, I could see bits of it, like shiny, colorful pieces of something, coming back into my energetic fields, swirling, not physical, just bits, glinting there.
I think it felt as much relief as I did, to be released.
And then, the light came. I could feel a bright shiny silver light come to me, one that was brand new. I then felt all of those lotuses, right there, and then, I got all of them spinning, and there, in my body, from collarbone to pelvis, spun a translucent, blinding tetrahedron.
I was told, and it was a cooperative telling, that my karma was gone. I had been working on this for a really long time, and got rid of many many of the overlays, but, this last bit, I felt, now, fundamentally different.
I realized in the car, that this involves changing behavior.
I remembered then a time, when I was in my early teens, that I had a high fever for a number of days, and mentioned to my mom that I was not in my body, but was watching, completely detached, from a spot on the ceiling.
This was a real honest to god thing.
After many days, mom took me to the doctor. Non-plussed, the doctor suggested psychiatric hospitalization. Mom thought he was crazy, but she still had a daughter on her hands who was completely absent. I mean, I could wipe myself and feed myself and talk and stuff, but I wasn’t in my body. It was weird.
I realized that this was the first of probably many upgrades that I have had in my life. Times when more of me could, need to, come in and take over, so to speak. I have long considered my life a relay race of sorts, parts of me surfacing to do what must and can be done. This level of consciousness could not have been maintained in that body at thirteen, at 30, at 50.
More and more has come through, more and more, as I have been ready. That I had a fugue experience to get there, one time, well, it’s not all that uncommon. Dolores Cannon has many books out there with such descriptions, of the bigger soul not being able to inhabit all at once. The energy would have been too much for the biology.
I like the idea of gaining more and more ability to just hold my own light, and I like the idea that karma, as I was told in kirtan, my karma is clear. It is over. I thought I had done it, previously, and much had been discharged, but there were still overlays, still issues. Last night was another milestone.
What I have realized is that after a fugue state, or after a few years in the desert when everything is flat and gray, there is a change in behavior. That which used to appear daunting becomes that which is necessary and doable. That which used to hold no fascination, or tons of fear, is suddenly accessible.
So, this morning, I realized that part of this process is to effect change, here in the physical.
I do not consider the time I have spent on this project a waste, or an act of vanity. It was an act of survival, or self-worth and of skill. I am proud of what I have done. And now, it feels as if things must change for me in my life.
One night, two weeks ago, after being canceled for work and having nothing to do, I found my way to the neighborhood Starbucks. I had an idea for a movie, or a book, or something, and I needed to write it out, get an overview down on paper, of the characters and what they were going to do, discover and turn into.
I sat there in the parking lot, and I can remember just like it is happening all over, I remember that I could SEE INTO the story. I saw it all come together, and I delighted in it. I was shaking, you know? I could see all the way through the idea, and it felt solid, good, fun. I understood the cadence of the work the voice, the objective, and the journey. I did not get out of the car, get a chai and start writing. I turned the car over, drove home and did whatever. But I did not pursue my vision. I let it be.
I now realize that this is the idea I want to develop during NaNoWriMo. It is something that happens once a year. Writers all over the world set November aside to write a novel in one month. It’s a lot of fun, lots of writing groups all over Denver, lots of fun, lots of fun.
I secretly rankled at the thing though, before, because I had no interest in fiction. None. Why make up people who are confused and lost, who find realization in the last twenty pages? I have that going on in my life. I don’t want to read about it, and I certainly do not want to write about it.
So, there in my car, I saw that this is a newer structure of novel writing. I saw characters who, out of the gate, were clear, joyous, benign, funny, and how this could be a hell of a ride.
So, at the end of this month, I will do NaNoWriMo once again, and this time, I feel confident that I can break through, make a work of fiction even I would enjoy.
I crank out more wordage than will be necessary, so I have no doubt I will be able to accomplish this, but it is a new thing.
I will post the entries here, and we will watch the thing expand together. It may suck, and you may never want to read another word I write, but, that is ok too. It sounds like fun.
The last few days, I have been hearing this voice, very non-judgmental, very kind, telling me, you know, your life is not very balanced right now.
And that is true. What was once perfection is now a bit wobbly, and this is, I think, because I have outgrown the last bit. Like those other times, when I was one thing, and then I morphed into something else, again, I am morphing.
Karma, to me, is my set up. It is my set of agreements. It is who and what I decided to bend to, see as my good, see as more powerful or more good or more competent than me. Karma, for me, is what the set up is, the internal rules of the road. It is what makes someone believe getting a job in a zoo is the height of attainment, and another setting off for a foreign country to study or live.
I like what Kryon says about karma, that it is that which is closest to us, the invisible stuff, the stuff that we take for granted, which pulls us this way or that, which makes it somehow impossible for us to do certain things, or to resist certain things.
But karma is a rather low-level agreement field, simply because it is without thinking, it is entwined in unexamined thoughts and unexplored reactions.
If I am free, completely free, in this moment, to do and say and act in any way I wish, consciously and purposefully, how much karma can I be playing out? If I can examine compassionately, any passion play going on around me, and see things whole, see the sense of abuse, the beauty of rejection, the perfection in union and the quiet rightness of self, how many patterns of behavior or relationship will I really need to engage in?
Cannon, Kryon, many sources tell us that karma is something which can be laid down. It is not necessary, and it is, at a certain point, an encumbrance, something that can really gum up the works.
Without it, though, one is free to do and say and act in any way at all. No compulsions. No unconscious patterns repeated again and again in our lives until we get the point.
I don’t know, I think maybe the definition of karma needs to be reworked.
Kryon goes on to say that the next level up from karma is contracts, and he urges us to drop them. Let your contract be written a day at a time, he says. Let your contract be your awareness, and let that which you do be that which you are.
Contracts, he intimates, are what we do to feel as if we are accomplishing something here. It’s quite unnecessary, but it’s fine to engage in. his point, I think, is to help us get beyond this notion that we HAVE TO do anything. We don’t. We are to BE, not DO, and to feel as if what we do is somehow ordained or agreed upon, ok, but don’t let it define you, I think is what I hear him say.
There is not lifetime contract to be sick, to suffer, to be poor, to be alone. It’s just not true. We did not come here to suffer. We came here to shine. And thinking that suffering is your contract, Kryon says, it is best to reexamine this belief, and challenge it.
So what lies beyond this? If I have no instinctual engine telling me to avoid this and go there instead? If I have given up this notion that I am here to do anything, anything at all, what is left?
The Teachers told me that yesterday they called it luck, today it is called synchronicity, and tomorrow it will be known as skill. I think my own wish is to consciously co-create, and to accept what is in my reality now as my deepest thoughts and beliefs made manifest, for my review, my delight, or my alternation. I think that would be, is, a fine life.
This implies getting one’s will under conscious control, in the end. It requires knowing why, and being able to tolerate an honest answer. And I know I am there. I know it.
Last night, I felt the mantle again. A shining, glowing garment, no sleeves, shiny, pretty, placed on me, with smiles it was given, and I could feel its power.
It comes to knowing that every moment, each and every moment, I am stepping off into an unknown, of sorts, and can handle it. It means that I am no longer hostile to my own beliefs, and have the courage and willingness to instead examine them, and then discard or keep them, as I see fit. It means that I am ok with knowing that what I create is good, and affects those around me with good.
It means, too, that I am living in a land of miracles. Open to being surprised, and knowing, now, that I am strong, and compassionate enough to love myself through it all, all of it loved, all of it recognized as emanations, divine emanations from a source which can see longer, and does not have the overlay of linearity to slow it down.
It occurred to me last night, while locking the front door, that defensiveness is the state of resisting that which one knows is true, and it is the state of dissonance created when one is holding a thought which one knows is untrue.
Today I understand that defiance and depression, these are symptoms of resisting that which one believes to be unchangeable and unacceptable about self, or of circumstance. Believing something is unchangeable and also intolerable. That is not a fun place to be. It is where a lot of folks dwell. It used to be my address.
If I have gotten rid of karma, then is anything unchangeable? If I have voided my contracts, what exactly could possibly be intolerable and also compulsory?
I’ll finish this with my miracle. I asked for one at the start of kirtan. I thought that the raiment thing, the star of David thing, and some other stuff that happened, I thought those were my miracles. I thought seeing stuff so clearly, dancing with Ganesha, and then physically turning into him, I thought that was my miracle.
And then, near the end of our time, the leader took a moment to talk about his experience. He talked about Ram Das, and he talked about his own walk. He had an experience like I have, and it happened in his late teens. He described it a little. And he said that it has just been lately that he has come back to his illuminating moment, and has begun to interpret it and live it in brand new ways now.
He sat there smiling, speaking with his eyes shut, telling of his experience, in a silent and expectant group of friends, but folks who usually don’t even stick around afterward. We get so intimate in kirtan, and then, when it is over, each of us walk to our cars, and drive into the night, into homes where our loved ones ask how it went.
I understood this was my miracle.
I went up to him at the end of it, and I told him that I found it a beautiful and encouraging thing, for him to talk about his experience so honestly. I told him I don’t know what circles you hang with, and maybe in your circle it’s cool to talk so openly, but it is not my experience, and so for someone to speak so honestly about something I have never heard another living soul discuss, this was big for me. I told him that I knew I was not the only one, but in my reality, I was the only one, so thank you, thank you for helping me see I am truly among friends.
It was just moving one step closer. I smiled on the way home, thinking that it was just on Sunday that I’d had my first realization, physically so, that I am going to now meet family, that my family is here now, awake, and I am now going to physically be meeting them. No longer an ache, no longer a longing, no, here they are, and they are in the flesh, and they are just like me.
Funny, that is what one of them told me as I’d been chanting, before the leader revealed his truth. I looked at the glittering altar, the friendly, rapt faces, and I understood in my body that here is a profound culture which takes as written that god is within, that there are as many ways to god as there are faces of god, and that living in integrity, and in joy, and in contemplation and duty and serve and love, these are ways to god. No bending required, in this set up.
I have come to peace with the truth of it. I resonate with Hinduism because I have spent most of my awake time in India. Part of me is there now, alive, ascended. I resonate with it because I remember and cherish it. I know the chants, and I am always deep in soul recognition when I go to kirtan. I am home there, and it’s nice to be home. It is temporal, it is imperfect, but it is home. And I am not the only one.
I looked at the pictures on the altar of loved masters. I settled on a framed photo of Hunaman’s face, and realized, heck, in that culture, being someone like me is just another day at the beach. Being self-realized is a goal, something to work toward, and stewarding one’s awareness, it is sort of an expectation, instead of something to feel ashamed of.
I smiled, laughed, realizing I am so not special. I am just one of so many who understand some things, that’s all. But, bottom line, I am not alone, not all that special, and I am not as far as some, on this path. It felt good, really good, not denigrating, these thoughts. Always has eased me, thinking on India, realizing that there is a culture her on earth which accepts the spiritual seeker, venerates the seeker, and loves the one who has found what they were searching for.
The leader said that here in America, wherever Ram Das showed up, so did others. They would just show up.
That stuck with me.
And after I told the leader of my gratitude and joy in his sharing, do you know what he did?
He said thank you, and moved on to other things.
Here I am, understanding that I am just now exiting my immersion tank, and the first one to greet me as I am toweling off, has nothing but a thank you for me.
How is this possible, I wondered, on the drive home?
Why does Ram Das have folks showing up out of the woodwork (nothing I would sign up for, btw), and me, I can’t even get a conversation going with a family member?
It spread, this question, to every area in my life where I feel there is no permission from folks to just be, no spark of brotherly recognition.
I think, too often in this culture, these sorts of feelings are sexualized and then struggled against. I am not asking the leader on a date, or for his hand in marriage. I am saying hi, and still, the door is closed.
But this is a pattern in my life, maybe a karmic one, maybe a simple energetic one, but evident throughout, all the same. It is evidenced in this writing not getting the play it deserves. It is evident in my family unit, my work life, everywhere, and I drove home then, so grateful, so very very grateful for those in my life who welcome me and love me just as I am.
I drove home asking, why the rejection, and can I please just be done with this?
What I heard was, you just have to keep pushing on doors, that’s all.
When I present myself to someone and then feel absolutely no permission to come inside, see no evidence of meanness but no evidence of homecoming, then that is a door that I need to just take my hand from, and I need to move on.
Pushing on doors. Letting synchronicity come.
But there is a new thought, now that Kryon is exploring for us, and I will end with it.
In his last tape he is explaining that planned synchronicity is where we are headed. This is a marriage of intuition with the innate, it is seeing things using spiritual logic, and it is more than trust, more than faith, more than planning and dreaming.
It is seeing things so clearly that you understand where things must head, what must, inevitably occur. You may not know how, and that is the journey. But you do know that which you know, and that is all you really need to know.
It is a curious thing, that I have always had the capacity to feel potentials, and people, as I greet them. I can feel their level of permission, and sometimes the biggest things they are struggling with. I can feel mismatches of energy, and I can feel people’s hearts. As such, I am an expert nurse, a wonderful negotiator, and a trusted friend. I don’t judge what I see, but I do see it, and it feels certain ways. Feeling it is not the same thing as judging it as good or bad, right or wrong.
And I could feel potentials with this leader, as I have been able to feel potentials around others who have surprisingly become significant to me as I mature. So, this is what confounds me, and disheartens me. I can feel things whole. At least my version of them. I can see great friendships, happy moments, and I can feel a whole lifetime stretch out when I consider some folks. It’s how I decide where to work, where to live, what car to buy, all of it.
And that is what is so confusing to me. I can see these things, and yet, there is no permission to begin. I would like nothing more than to spend about two hours letting this guy talk about his views on the nature of reality. Not to get into his pants. Just because I know I have found a friend. And here is my potential friend saying thanks and turning away.
I used to ask The Teachers about this phenomenon. How I could see a situation, all at once, all of it, somehow, could feel it, when I met someone new. Why doesn’t the other one feel it too? They told me that sometimes I was connecting to different reality track, a different lifetime with this person, and no matter what I feel or know, I have to let the person guide things, lead things, to some extent, if I come having knowledge.
Understanding, when all is said and done, it is this moment here, this one, that is happening, not any other, so let it unfold, do not cling, and allow it to be exactly what it is, no more, no less.
How is that?
And again and again I heard, keep pushing on doors. Walk and push, walk and push.
So I don’t take rejection as personally as I once did. I cannot change anyone’s mind, and I cannot alter anyone’s desires. I can present myself, in person, in writing, in meditation. I can give. Jesus, actually, told us about this.
He said to his disciples, as they were striking out on heir own, he said, go to towns, and ask for the most righteous person in that town. Let you peace settle on the house. And if the peace is accepted, stay there. And if the peace is not accepted, leave, and know that this is a town that you would be unhappy in remaining. You’re both better off to just walk away.
Press on doors. Those that open, walk through. Those that do not, disengage from them, and walk on.
As gentle as doves, as wise as serpents, make your way, present your peace, evaluate its reception, and then decide where to hang your hat. This is the essence of free choice. Let everyone choose. Allow, expect, encourage discernment. Be not discouraged.