Deeply Awake — Blessed Relief 8-4-13 By Kathy Vik
I want to talk about how good I feel, how excited I am about living, now.
At first, it was so big and it was so precious that I was totally unwilling to share it. It was mine and didn’t have to be anyone else’s. Mine.
I hung with it, and I tried it out, and have lived with it now since Thursday night, and I do not see it doing anything but getting more encompassing, more alive, innervated, so I am moved to write about this now.
When I started to write about this stuff, at the beginning, I did it because I knew the territory, knew where it would all eventually lead. I knew I could either chronicle it as it happened, or I could shift and then always wonder how it happened. I knew I would not be the same person, and would maybe have less access, or less interest in accessing, the older parts of me that were being integrated, once the process got to a certain point.
Maybe it’s because I doubted that the process of enlightenment would stick, and I wanted to provide a road map for myself. Maybe it’s because I wanted to have it somewhere accessible, who I’d been and all the mistakes I’d made in thinking, so that in my next lifetime I could read what I’d written, and gongs would go off, and I could have the end result more quickly.
And maybe it’s because I knew that if I was out here in the seeming wilderness, alone, singing some ancient, weirdly familiar song which abstracted me from all my peers, maybe if I was going through it, someone else on God’s Green Earth was also experiencing it, and by writing this down bit by bit, on the web, someone else’s loneliness could be punctured, and maybe I could be of some help.
So those are all good reasons, but this morning, on the way home from work, it was the first of the three I was most aware of. Have been since Thursday.
I know where this next part leads, and I know that I will always recognize my Self, but where I have come from would be getting more and more unrecognizable, I’d become more unrecognizable. And, not to erect a monument to my misunderstandings and strictures of thought, no, it’s not that which compels me now, but instead, this thought that what I once was is now passing away, and I think this deserves some exploration, some discovery, because I will not have access, won’t desire access, to the misunderstandings soon enough, and writing about the misunderstandings will appear to me to be boring or a misuse of focus. The fuzzy thinking will no longer have relevance, and the songs from the pain will begin to sound too out of joint for pleasure.
But isn’t it the extrication, isn’t it the miracles which allow us to breathe deeper, aren’t those valid things to discuss? I have thought so, and so I have written about them.
I am not so sure what the writing will look like after this entry. But I know I need to do this one.
I attended an event led by PETER HUGHES on Thursday, and he gave to me something which I did not think I’d get, not so easily, not so elegantly.
He is a powerful channeler here in Colorado, a treasure, and what he had for me was quite a surprise!
As the evening progressed, I could sense that the energy was shifting, heating up, and I was told throughout the evening what to do and when. To say that the voices were loud is an understatement. The voices were breathing me that night. Breathing me.
It started, this thought that I might actually get some real relief, some true help, when they explained that much of our suffering comes from the feeling we get when we are telling ourselves a false story. When I tell myself I am out of alignment with Source, then I am telling myself a false story, and a false story creates pain, suffering.
First shot across the bow.
The point being, I am in alignment. Period, end of list. I am in alignment with Source now. And telling myself that I am not, well, that is a lie, and lies are painful.
I could breathe easier.
They invited those who desired it to come up and sit before them in the “Thriving Throne.” The idea being, sit and we will help you go from surviving to thriving.
I am aware that abundance and prosperity thinking, these are things which fascinate and draw new-comers in. It’s a good thing to contemplate, thriving, being abundant, having all we want.
But the caveat had been put in place at the outset, and it is worth repeating here: the common misconception is that if I have ______________, then I can finally do __________, and then I will finally be happy.
This is, of course, a reversal of the truth.
If I am happy, then I can do what is in front of me happily, and I can be happy with whatever I have. The idea is to see that we are wanting happiness, and have gotten confused with how to go about it.
It was such a good way to have it put to me. I needed something that simple, that clear, that honest, and something which married action, thoughts and a state of being in a way which made sense. It was clear, it was clever, it was true and it just made sense.
So I sat there, jotting down what they’d said, thrilling, thinking, oh boy, I’m where I am supposed to be!
And by the time the second person was up getting their message, I was understanding I’d be the third of the night, and that this was understood by the channeled entity before the evening had begun. I was to be given something. I knew it, and I put up my hand, and I waited, and I knew.
I was acknowledged, welcomed. I walked up there and presented myself.
I had been listening very closely, and the funniest thing was, as the night progressed, as the vibration got clearer and clearer and clearer, I could recognize them. I was listening to my old Teachers, right there in that room. They were present.
I am well past the idea that The Teachers, the ones who trained me twenty years ago, that these were creatures who have personalities, and that is why this language, this purity of thought, I recognize it in The Teachers, in Kryon, in Abraham, in Bashar. It is the Golden Voice, the One Source, the All. The messengers carry with them their filters, as do I, so the messages can vary in context, even in subtext, but the heart and soul of the teaching, it is a pure sort of vibration, energy, sense. It is unmistakable.
And it was amazing to be sitting in front of them again.
I presented myself, and before I got a word out, they looked into my eyes, got real still, and gave me their old admonishment. They told me to speak mindfully. To think, and then to speak. I knew this to be Them, then. This was always the admonition. Speak honestly. Speak mindfully. Speak clearly. Think honestly. Think mindfully. Think clearly. Act honestly. Act mindfully. Act honestly.
I said, “I recognize you, and I know you, and I believe that you can help me.”
I felt like someone who petitioned Jesus for a miracle, and the person’s faith alone brings the healing. I knew I could be healed. I held high hopes, but sitting in that chair, it was not a hope. It was clarity, it was a relief, and it was surrender.
I said, I am between lives, and I don’t know how to get the next one started. I feel in between worlds, and I don’t know what to do.
They told me that I’d made the understandable mistake of thinking that one stops, and then another one begins. It isn’t like that. One is a continuation of the other.
They said, I was learning a master’s lessons in the old life. Why would I want to discard that? Why would I want to throw the baby out with the bathwater?
Look at yourself, they said. Just take a look at yourself.
And then they went on and on about my glasses. They’re mother of pearl cat glasses, and they said, no one who is uncertain about who they are could pull off that look, those glasses.
We want you to go get a pocket mirror, an oval one, and put it on a keyring that can extend and retract, and every time you are upset about not living your new life, just take a look in the mirror. You are living your new life.
But, I began to think to myself, I bought these glasses three years ago, and before that, the last pair were even a little weirder, so there is more to this than eyewear selection….
I got anxious, and they calmed me down, could read right through all of it and knew just what to do, just like old times.
They again admonished me to quiet. Steady. Still. Then we began talking again, and I cracked a joke, that my glasses basically say, hey, don’t take yourself so seriously. And they said, “Basically?!” and there was my loud, my booming, laugh, right in the mic, and the audience was laughing too, and they said, there it is. There it is. The light heart, the humor. There it is.
I wanted some sort of closure, an answer, something I could take away and apply which would make the fear recede and make the humor more available. I tried to language it but could not. I sat there, looking up into those eyes, tears now, no words, just a pleading, one ancient soul to another.
I was feeling like I probably got all I was going to get, but I looked up and said, I know there are others who need help too, and I’m ok, so, could you maybe just put a cherry on top for me?
It was then that something happened.
The room changed, and I saw a lot of red velvet and gold. I could see a plain in front of me, and the Deeply Awake I wrote which repeated what I was told in meditation came through.
In that essay, which I have been unable to locate on line, though it’s there, somewhere, I was recounting how my life was all messed up, as per usual, and in meditation, the voices had seemingly grievously incongruously said something to the effect of “You are sitting on a golden throne. Below you is your kingdom. You are sovereign over all you survey, and you are sovereign because it is fitting for you to be so.”
On that chair, in that little church, those words were belting through me, and I know for a fact that for those moments, me and Mr. Hughes were someplace other than, or in addition to, that little building. We were in a hall. We were in ceremony. And we were in the presence of legions.
Peter then took the aluminum cane he is using for a few more days, and he lifted it up. I did not see a cane. I heard Kryon’s voice, and I heard my own voices, and I knew it to be a sword.
He placed the cane, like a king who is knighting someone, first on my left, then my right, then my left shoulder. I have no recollection of the physical words which were spoken, but I do know that they used the word “king,” and they told me that my crown had always been on my head.
I had expected to be knighted, to be ordained to a lesser role, to once again be placed in subservience.
And then, once this was given to me, my own narration took over again, and I was once again inside that essay, inside that old meditation, but more, I was in the midst of a ceremony done in accordance with the Bridge of Swords. I have had such an experience while driving home from work one morning, understanding that the canopy of trees I drove under was a Bridge of Swords.
Here, on this shoulder, then that, then that, the Bridge of Swords had become personal, and a sword was being used to confer a great, great honor, and to state an energetic fact.
I was in tears, after this, and said, “I don’t know if you are aware of the significance this has for me, but thank you, thank you, thank you.” They smiled and said, “we understand the significance.”
It was a feeling I’ve only had once before, on the 12-12-94, when I gave myself communion, on that holy day, the day The Teachers ascended.
I was ready to leave then, ready to go off and think all this through.
That’s when they said, you asked for a cherry on top, and so we deliver it. We laughed as we agreed that the whole thing as a mountain of cherries, but, one on top would be very nice.
That’s when my old teachers, my old, dear friends, came out full force and no one, not anyone ever will be able to convince me differently. I know Them all too well, and have missed Them so much, I know their energetic signature, and I can assure you, it was They who did the next part.
The face became slack. The eyes became piercing. The demeanor was suddenly serious, and I knew there was work to be done.
They looked at me, and just as they had at the beginning, when I first sat down, just as they did for those years of work, they put their fingers to their lips, and they asked, Are you ready for this? Will you live this? Do not agree unless you are committed.
Speak no ill about yourself, and speak no ill of another, from this day forward. Speak no ill of anyone. And, then, they went just one step further, and they introduced the heart of the matter. Think no ill of yourself. Think no ill of others. Think no ill of anyone, from this day forward.
When I trained with The Teachers this was their admonition, always. They taught and then reminded me, that which is spoken is very very powerful, and I am to be mindful of what I say. Do not speak negatively about anyone, and do not think bad thoughts about anyone. These things are powerful, and the clearer you get, the more powerful they become. This is not some routine checklist thing. This is real. This is attainable. And it is desirable to attain.
Twenty years ago, when I was taught this, I realized that this was a really good goal, but it might not be attainable for me, this lifetime. It was setting the bar too high, and I’d try, but I wasn’t going to knock myself out over it, because it seemed too lofty, too inhuman, as a goal. It was, of course, desirable, pretty much the most desirable thing I could think of, but how? How? How?
And here I am, twenty years later, with my old Teachers back for a love session, a session of honor and grace and reminders. And They are now telling me, here it is. It is time. You have earned this, and you can do this, you know.
But I really did not feel “told,” it was more like my long lost love coming back from the dead with something in their hands which had been sitting on a shelf, waiting for the time when I was ready to receive it and actually use it.
I sat there, and without hesitation, knowing full well what I was committing to, I said, “From this day forward, I take this as my vow. I make this promise to you, as I make it to myself. It is fitting of who I am.”
I was talking to The Teachers then, not to the channeler, and he, being a conscious channel, I think, might have misunderstood my willing commitment as over-eagerness. He asked me to hang back, to wait. I could tell that having promised anything TO them was seen as a misinterpretation.
They admonished me then to speak carefully, slowly, deliberately. They said that I perhaps did not understand the enormity of what I was committing to.
I paused. I really thought it through. I quieted. And then I said that I fully understood what it was that was being asked and given, and I accept. This is my path.
Do you know, since the words were uttered, I am different. I understand this was an exchange, this was trading up, and I am ready now. I am ready now, and instead of this commitment filling me with unworth and fear, it just makes me feel so relieved. I feel such a body relief, such a soul relief, such a mental relief.
I even found myself saying it to myself in idle moments tonight at work. Smiling with abandon as I realized I don’t have to think bad thoughts!
It is the best way I have to describe this. Bad thoughts. I don’t have to have them. And I have, in fact, made a promise to not have them. I have promised my Teachers and I have promised my inner teacher, that from here on out, I speak no ill, think no ill, of my self, of others, the world at large and anybody in particular.
God, what relief.
I was not ready for this level of commitment until now. It would have been a false promise, a hope said in an effort to make it true, and that would have been good, God knows that’s how I have been doing it, but this is better.
I can do this now, imperfectly, perhaps, but of course i’s what I want to be, because I know in my core that this is a benevolent place, that I am a benevolent creature, and that my being extends so far from my flesh that it all begins to seem like abstraction. This is who I am. I am the Peace of the Mountain. I am a christed one. I am blessed among men, and God indwells me is well pleased.
They said something within that swirl of healing which comes to me from time to time.
They said, when you are speaking ill of your self, you are actually speaking ill, thinking ill, about Source. And to think bad thoughts of another, this is thinking bad thoughts about Source.
And are these thoughts, are these actions, these words, are they true ones? Are they in alignment with Source?
No, they are not.
And that which is out of alignment with Source is painful, unpleasant, and the source of suffering.
This is a benevolent situation. I am loved beyond measure.
If I am in my right mind, I could not think one bad thought about Source. How could I? I am in love with Source, with God, with Spirit, with whatever you think is pleasing to call it. I am in love with God, and I am a living, breathing, bleeding, laughing, weed-smoking, cat-glasses-wearing expression of God. And you have your things, your ways, and you, too, are God’s expression. How can I be honest and speak ill? How can I be honest and hold bad thoughts?
So where this goes, of course, is to the heart of mastery. It is disingenuous and just too fatiguing to think that I will speak no ill, but I can continue to have all manner of bad thoughts, and if I do not express them, then, well, SCORE! But that is not it, really, is it? I mean, let’s be honest. The name of the game is authenticity, integrity, alignment, truth. Speech is an end-product of thought. Thought is an end-product of belief. Belief is an end-product of self-awareness. Self-awareness is the doorway to the love of God.
Becoming more aware of speech is a way to get real clear in my thinking. To slow things down enough that everything, everything, everything that is thought is pure.
I know that what happened to me on Thursday was as much dispensation as earned surcease. I know that.
I am grateful for it.
I am holding myself differently, even now, only three days into this, I am holding myself differently. The generosity of spirit which used to visit me from time to time, it has been pretty much non-stop.
And here’s the thing. It was something which I could not have done so well on my own.
I need others, and I allowed myself to see, imagine, hope, believe that there was help out there for me. I got myself in a very high vibrational state prior to the event, and I set my intention, with such clarity, such focus and purity, I knew something good was going to happen, but I figured I’d leave that little church with a handsome man’s phone number or an invitation to some other cool thing.
Instead, I was given a gift of such value, and I know, I know, I know, this is a gift I helped the Teachers wrap for me, and that has been sitting on my shelf ever since. Like Kryon’s teaching about How God Works. First there is the informational download. Then there is patience and synchronicity. And sometimes, you just have to trust that what is given will be able to come down from the shelf, once the vibration is a match, once the energy on the outside matches the energy of the download.
Funny, this. How it all fits together.
So I know this is a gift, and I know that the amnesia makes it seem as if others (Mr. Hughes, The Teachers, etc.) have simply given me something, and they could just as easily have withheld it, but oh my goodness, that is just not accurate at all, is it?! No. This is a cooperative effort.
I will go so far as to say that I believe, in the end, that this Golden Voice I have been schooled by, the same Golden Voice which has informed my sweetest moments of revelation, this voice is my voice, and it is your voice, it is the voice of The All, of Source, and our sweet collective soul. No one owns this information, and no one can sequester it. No one can really sell it, though everyone deserves to make a living. This is something that is finally relevant.
I will tell you of a couple of things I have noticed, some things which are fun and sort of light and fluffy as a result of this.
It’s impossible to hold fear in this state.
How can I fear anything, really, anything at all, if I am seeing it as good, loving, from Source, and benevolent? There is that which I prefer, and that which I do not prefer, but it is not up to me to speak for anyone’s preferences but my own.
It makes the whole self-righting concept so understandable. It helps me to trust that we are indeed self-correcting beings, and have a true north that nothing can destroy.
But what it really comes down to is this: I can no longer, in good conscience, see my old life as one I want to retro-fit with this new knowledge. I used to think that all this self-improvement was being done so that I could bring back the knowledge to my Self so that I could make it good, make it right, make it whole.
What I am seeing now is that I am already good, I am already right, I am already whole, for myself, to myself, within myself. Not for you, for me. Not even in relation to you. This is an inside job.
If that is true, if I am already in alignment with Source, then perhaps what I have been experiencing is just lesson, just ways to get me here, and I can’t fault my lessons when in their hands are shining gifts of such beauty and profundity. I choose not to do that anymore.
I think I was trying to make right something that was not broken, and that caused me tremendous grieving. I focused on what I thought was all messed up, and really, that was fine to have done it that way, but I see now that it got me here, and maybe that was the purpose.
The purpose for the pain was not to continue to wallow in it, deconstruct it and make it pretty.
And so, during my face time with this beautiful consciousness, when they told me, in no uncertain terms, a number of times, that I am bored out of my skull right now, I finally had to admit it.
I am bored.
Or I was, prior to that dispensation, sitting in the Thriving Throne, wanting to be seen and understood and helped.
As always, I can reduce this miracle to plain 3d terms, really minimize it. It was a guy with a cane who tapped me on my shoulders. Big deal.
But I know that it is best for me to see this in a different way. Yes, it might be magical to most, but I have some experience in this, and I know what I know. I know my teachers. I know that voice. I know the energy. I know it. And I was immersed in its benevolence, held tight, hugged, welcomed home, on Thursday night in that muggy little building.
I got done with the face time, and they asked me, upon rising, to face the audience and flash the group my glasses. I did, and I got a big round of applause.
I saw the channel, up there at the front, as I was settling into my seat, talking about threes, and the trinity, and there was talk about how hot the room had gotten.
I know that there was a progression of energy in that room, and I know that my willingness to step forward and be hopeful, and unafraid, spinning and high and vibrant and ready and open, oh so open, and willing, this made a difference.
Today I go to my women’s group, and it’s the last time I will go, I think. I made a promise that I’d go one last time, but I have felt so uncomfortable in that group, that even though I’ve promised to go, I feel a little unwilling. I feel like I am too far ahead of the others, and they get down on themselves because of it. I voiced this to the leader, and she admitted that there have been a couple of folks who feel they are not ready for the group’s level of work. It was sad confirmation of what I’d been told by the lot of them, but still, the leader, my friend, she persists in inviting me.
They are concentrating on their lives, as we all must, but they are not looking up, not very much, and I have felt impatience, and also a pervasive need from the collective to stay silent.
But I have gone anyway, because my friend, the leader, tells me that I need to get comfortable with other people’s discomfort, basically, and that I have just as much of a right to be there as anybody.
I like the thought, and today I am going to go in there, not considering myself some sort of displaced prophet, but just a woman in her fifties who is at peace, and who is not thinking anything but good thoughts. I really do love those women, and I think what they are striving for is miraculous and fun and exciting. And although the energy is quite mixed, and there are a few women there who are not very open to me energetically, I am thinking that today, it’s going to be ok.
I will go, this last time, to prove to myself and to my teacher that I can have peace in a situation which has been uncomfortable for a very very long time. I don’t feel any fear, and I don’t feel that cold resignation that used to steal over me when I knew I’d be with those who judged themselves against me, and then, inevitably, judged me for what they think they do not understand.
This event on Thursday taught me that setting intention is very key, and something that deserves my attention, and setting intention prior to such a meeting can be of benefit to me and to everyone.
I think my issue has been, lately, in the group, that I want to be leading such a group, not participating in one. I want to teach, not be a perpetual student. I don’t want to hijack what someone else has going. I told the leader that, and she told me to can it. It’s not an issue. It’s a cooperative thing, and I’m not hijacking anything by letting my freak flag fly, basically.
I like to think that the point to all this work is to allow me to be more of a blessing than not, and me being clear, loving what I am doing, loving those around me, and loving myself, I think this is a good place to start, and I am feeling hopeful this meeting will not end with my wanting the Earth to swallow me up afterward.
I want to be open, and I am willing to drop the old belief, the one that says I am to be on the outside looking in for all time. That is an old thought, one which no longer serves. I can hold this light in a way that does not burn out the eyes of my companions. I can modulate it. It is love, after all.
They say that light is information. Of course this is true, but I am thinking, at this point, that information, this pure, beautiful information, it is love. Love is truth. Truth is love.
I am done retro-fitting. I am ready and eager to move ahead, and to do things so much differently than before, but only because these twenty years have softened me up enough to allow me to see with smiling eyes, the eyes of a mother, the eyes of a grandmother, the eyes of an ancient.
I am so grateful. I am so grateful for all that has come to pass. I am grateful that I am willing to sit here in my jammies and write about this, because as tired as I will be come 7 tonight, functioning on no sleep after a busy night and fitful naps, I know that I don’t have to wait until I am home, alone, in my bed, to feel whole and clear and sane.
I don’t have to excuse myself from people to feel like I belong here.
I know I carry it with me now, and it comes from understanding that for me there really is a before and an after. There really is a point from which there is no going back, and I can finally say, with a smile on my mouth, that there is no returning to the killing fields to make things right.
What’s done is done, and I am well pleased with where it has taken me. I move forward now with eagerness, and with joy, and with trust, and with a peace which passes all understanding.
I am loved, and I have had this love proven to me time and time and time again, and I come away with rock hard evidence, proof which I can neither refute nor diminish, that this really is a benevolent place, I am well taken care of, I am loved.
I know this is true for me, and I know that it is true for you.
I am at peace with the idea that some folks won’t go as deep or as long as me. That’s fine now. I don’t expect it. I see now that I have been steeped in they mystical traditions my whole life. Not everyone has burned with this desire, not everyone has been so single minded. Not everyone has been as curious. That’s not all bad. I am happy for my pursuits, and don’t feel like judging others on their pursuits, and am so gleefully fine with no longer accepting the judgments of others over my loving relationship with the unseen.
I can begin to put away, or allow the sun to burn off, the old stories, the ones which had me out of alignment with my purpose, with my identity, with my source, and with them go the thoughts and the speech which packed a powerful punch, hitting below the belt, not being very nice.
It all gets pretty simple. It’s not for everyone. But if you have enjoyed this, this odd tale of redemption and recognition and homecoming, then I am your sister, and we do not have to hide from each other here.
Those who see this as psychotic ramblings, I am their sister too, and I no longer mind the thought that others may never understand some of this. Looking back, it is becoming clearer and clearer to me that to expect my degree of commitment and steely willed focus, it’s not just unfair, it’s a little weird. It implies insecurity, a desire to fit in, and to be approved of.
Maybe my job is to make this stuff more accessible, more understandable, less woo-woo, and to make sense of being different in a world that is becoming more willing to accommodate the unusual, anymore.
I think we are doing just fine, and if you are here with me, at the end of this thing, so much the better. I am happy to have company.
But I wrote this, to be honest, to mark a very very special moment in my growth, and if it has helped you, oh, that fills me with happiness, and if it did not, well, then, I will do as I always do, I will reference this work when I am feeling forgetful, when I am believing a story which has no basis in fact, when I am thinking bad thoughts.
I don’t have to do that anymore, and I just can’t express in words, not really, how much relief I feel moving forward.
YOU CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT MR. PETER HUGHES AT http://www.vibe-alignment.com