Deeply Awake — Kirtan Revisited 7-6-13 By Kathy Vik
I was canceled last night and tonight, something that shouldn’t happen, I guess, being on a contract, as I am. I sort of didn’t do anything all that productive with my gift last night, but tonight, I knew exactly where I was gonna be: kirtan.
I have invited every single one of my friends, many more than once, and no one will come to kirtan with me. And maybe that is a good thing, because it is such an ecstatic experience for me, and I am so unshielded, so hooked in, when I attend, that maybe it is best for my friends, my family, to not see me that way. Who knows. I’d like some company, but it is what it is.
I have come to see kirtan as a bath of light, and a place where I give myself permission to do anything I see fit. I sometimes find myself at the back of the space, holding a corner, running light. Many times, I am visited by many lovely thoughts and visions.
Tonight, as each kirtan is, tonight was special, it was different, and I really would like to talk about what I saw, what I experienced, if you would indulge me.
Hinduism, for me, is something, for me, like finding I’ve sewn a $1,000 bill into the cuff of my jacket. It was always there, riding along with me, informing me, sort of containing me, but I was not given access to the information, the religion, until I was in my 50’s. Oh, I bought books, and I bought magazines, and I had iconography, but I felt a little like a stealer, sort of disingenuous and like I was imposing on something I had no business claiming even an interest in.
It was like that for me, with Hinduism. Not with the other religions, not really. I know Catholicism runs very deep in my past lives, my akash, protestantism, of course, and I love zen especially. I know I did time in that walk, but Hinduism, to me, it always made the most sense, because it seemed the most inclusive, the most imaginative, the most creative and artistic, and colorful. Joyous, lots of celebrating, lots of eating and socializing.
Seemed like a good thing, but, until I got introduced to kirtan, I didn’t own it.
That first time, I understood why it called to me, what its deep significance was for me, and that I was still, a part of me was still deep in practice, in India, a high master, multidimensional, ascended, there tottering around in the mountains, I am him, he is me, and it really is ok to just let your guard down and start singing, dear one, I was told. And I know the words, they come to me, and I hear those first few phrases, that first few beautiful tones, and I am off, I am far away, and I am as close as the dirt the room is anchored on.
I went very far tonight, and there is some of it I just don’t really understand, but there are a few things to relate.
At one point, I was overwhelmed with so much love that I could see, so very clearly, that all of these people who have come to me through the years, all of them who speak the same message, the same basic ideas, and many directly feed off of the last one who came through and blew me wide open, all of them, they have spoken to me of this time, and they have all spoken, given to me, such love, such straight and true love, such help.
And I went deeper, and I found myself floating, looking into a whale’s eye, and I asked if it would be possible to maybe look at each other as we really are, and not with earth clothing, and then I saw a face, and I saw that this is the face saying all the soothing words, throughout my life. The face of crop circles and a larger truth which knows of only boundless, individuated, eternal love.
This one, this one beautiful, benevolent being, is always with me, has never even ever left. Always here. Always right here.
And it speaks, and says many different things, but always right at the proper time, never early, never late, and whatever is going on in the life, the daily life, this is a gift, pure and simple.
But then, I told them, hey, the thing is, I am getting pretty tired of doing this same dance with a few items, I feel stuck about certain things, and I really want these karmic overlays, any and all karmic overlays, things I think must be plowed through, things I have convinced littlemind must somehow slay or conquer, can we just fast forward, just drop it, just try on a new set of clothing?
And it was done, just like that. Done.
They told me to expect that things are just not the same. Expect different.
I want to tell you about something that happened during kirtan that I still find a little hard to believe, to be quite honest. It is so honestly beautifully miraculous, but with anything like this, there will always be wiggle room for a doubter. Always and forever and a day. That is the way of it. So it really is cool if you think I was hallucinating, or whatever. Whatever. This is what happened.
I looked up and saw that I could see out the window and there was a very large tree out back, and the sky was dark, but then I noticed just a little patch of light. Eight o’clock, or so, lots of time before sunset.
And as I watched the light, I saw that it began to morph and change. It turned into many different, complex things. I spoke to it, and I asked it if it was a consciousness wanting to speak with me, and it morphed, and I knew.
So I asked it to go long, do something really awesome so I know I’m not making it up, and sure enough, there, right there, was a framed picture in light, of a sun in the upper right corner, and a white form that looked like a human, but with wings, it looked like, and punched right through its chest area was a heart, contrasted there. It was a beautiful sight!
Then I began to notice that there were more patches of light, and I thought it beautifully ironic that as the sun is setting, the sky is going from dark to light. And then I got busy singing, crying tears of joy, smiling like an idiot, I am sure.
And when I looked up again, the sky was clear except for one little cloudy patch.
And I understood it was mine to bust the cloud, to see it gone, and as I thought the thought, the cloud went away, melted.
It’s funny, that right now, what I see is the accusing face of someone I know very well, have known for a long long time, looking at me with a twisted smile, telling me to stop being so weird. Implying I am lying to get attention or some sort of nonsense.
Yep, there it is, just as big as day.
And so I will rebut this rude interruption with a little miracle, a little kirtan miracle, and then I want to stop.
The leader is a very clear channel, highly intuitive, very advanced. I love his energy, because it is so pure, it is so unimpeded, and it is so very joyful, so balanced, so tempered, it is, with his sorrow.
And I am always moved when I am led by this man, but none more than tonight, because when he spoke, which was rarely, what he had to say was so beautiful, and it contained longing and beauty and forgiveness and grace. Whether he knows of all of these ascension details or not, it is immaterial, because he has seen the face of God, he knows the truth of it, that it is all love, it is all within us, and we are here to love each other into remembering that we are worth more than we can imagine.
And I really felt so moved tonight, I wanted to go up and hug him and call him brother, tell him that I see him and I am glad to be seen by him, and as the kirtan proceeded, I found that, at the end of one of the meditations, a happy thing took place, where this mantle of karma and lesson was removed, and a snappier one is now on me, a lot lighter, prettier.
And then I was consumed in what I need to describe as neon purple light. It was really vibrant, and it was a lot like St. Germaine’s flame, but it had an iridescence, or a resilience, a tubular-ness to it that was amazing. And I felt alive with it.
And then I was told, you know, folks are gonna come to you now. Be ready for it, because they will need to have more of this. It feels good, and they will come to you now.
After the kirtan, after all the energy was set, and all the vortices stilled, thanked, blessed, it was time to eat.
I ate two scoops of dahl, I think it is spelled, it was fabulous, the rice was perfect, but before I could dig into this feast, I had to find a place to sit. I did, out on the patio, in the dark, at a table. My heart sunk a little, because I go there wanting to make friends, and sitting there in the dark, it did not seem conducive to that end, but I was hungry, so I sat.
Right away, a woman came up and asked if she could sit beside me. She had never been to kirtan before, and I asked her, in all sincerity, what it was like for her, what was her impression of it? She was blissed out then, smiling from ear to ear, words failed. I asked her if she felt expanded. She smiled and said yes.
And then the kirtan guy came out, and I told him what was in my heart, thanked him and honored him for his clarity of channel, his great love, and then thanked him some more.
He did not come over and sit.
The girl asked me questions, and I obliged. She wanted to know, when it came to it, why I was so happy. And I told her what I know to be true: that we are all one, we love each other very very much, and we have forgotten how much love there is in the world, for us and from us and between us, that’s all.
She smiled. I asked her to point out stars, some I knew the names to, some I did not, because I could see as she recounted what she knew, she felt some delight. I asked her about herself, and she floored me, telling me she was a student in high school. I told her that she struck me as someone who holds herself as if she were in her thirties. She laughed, looked proud. She said she loved science. I encouraged her love.
And then I got up and smoked. No one followed me, and once again, I was outside, on the front lawn, feeling adrift, apart, longing for connection, knowing it was just a few feet away, and knowing the timing is all wrong, that mine is to love, to shine, to radiate, and to smile, smile at myself and this beautiful night and all the people who agreed to gather on this night, of all nights, and sing names that for centuries others have been sung only with love, devotion, focus on the most joy, the most truth, the most purity one can manage to feel.
My way is a joyful one, and it is still a singular one, and I am at peace with how this is all working out. There is no accident to anything in my life, and I have cooked up some very nice story lines which are putting along, coming along, and who knows where any of this leads?
All I know is that throughout the day, I had opportunities to transmute, in real time, really quick, some pretty mean stuff, and I did it, I did it quick and then I was fine, and I am very proud of how far I have come. I think it is ok to finally say that.
I know that there is a lot of stuff I do not know, but I know things that make me very very happy, very centered and tranquil and at peace, and I think this is good. And that is the nice part to all of this. No one is in charge of what I tell myself but me. Nobody.
I close by telling you of a fascinating and wonderful group I am part of at facebook, and we pop into and out of each other’s lives asking, “hey, anybody else having this or that happen?!” and it really helps a lot.
Today someone posted something that really got to me.
A guy said that he is, you know, a reasonable person, basically, not a crazy person, but he has had increasingly bizarre ringing in the ears, and he has questioned his sanity, thinking, as he has come to, that maybe this is spiritual in nature, and not entirely and exclusively biologically based.
And it got me thinking. I posted something, after a quick, “Energetics knows no dogma.”
I said that I think that there is an overlay that is just now coming down, which equated thinking or living in a multidimensional or quantum or an entangled way, that this was to be interpreted by our biology as mental illness, and that it was fair game for others to ascribe expansion thusly.
And there have been a lot of positive responses to that post.
I think it is true.
I know I really, really struggled with that, and it was a scary thing to wrestle with. Really scary. Traveled with me from my adolescence, this fear of being seen as crazy. Whew. Thick, that one.
But I think it is burning off, and I am glad for that, because it is enough to be given sight, willingness to see life as a poem, and maybe this is just one line of an epic, but it is beautiful and contains the essence, the meaning of the thing within this one line.
But as it might just be one line, this thing we are living out, seeing to, taking so, so, so seriously, I think it is high time to enjoy its rhythm, and to see it for what it is. This is not a dirge we are living anymore, it is the beginning of a new time, one of peace and stability and of coming together, of inner calm and outer resolve, benevolence and patience and humor.
Kirtan is a blessing to me because it is a place where I figure old souls, or at least Indian souls, congregate to sing these chants, and I will indulge. I run light, I use a weird gesture language that I love to use but do not understand, and I have visions. I laugh through tears, and I no longer, for those hours, feel the weight of the world.
The leader always washes us clean of our sorrow, that first couple of songs, and then we are complete, done with it, we are free, we recognize our walk, we recognize our place, and we then start rejoicing in our present, our choice to raise our voices and recognize a truth that may be unseen or misunderstood by those of a different bent.
I am glad I live in a place where it is not illegal for me to express my individual understanding of God.
I am thankful that I have been willing, this lifetime, to exercise this right, this freedom, and have explored, and dearly loved all the religions, still do, still do. They all speak of love, and I spent the day, today, reading the new testament, walking old familiar ground with my friend, seeing where they so blatantly misrepresented things, and just where he could have said more, but the energy just could not allow it.
It was a good day. It was a fun day. Not a typical day, perhaps, but a nice one, and it ended with kirtan, seeing in others what I have come to see in myself, wanting to hold everyone, the whole world, but especially those in that house in the ever-blossoming flower of that light I have seen, and come to love.
I don’t know what they’ll do with it, if anything. But I was inside of it and breathing it out, flowing with it, loving it, expanding it, and giving it away to anyone who wanted it.
I think it was a good kirtan. It was a good night. I am tired. I would like to see a movie, but sleep sounds more reasonable. Tomorrow is another day.