Deeply Awake — Love’s Authority 6-14-13 By Kathy Vik
This has been a deep and rich time for me, and I hope it has been very fruitful for you.
I am seeing things clearly at the moment and so I want to talk about it.
I did a long essay on time and money, basically, it is strong and helpful, but too confessional. I am beginning to see things better in this regard.
But I will tell you of a shame reaction I have recently asked help for removing. Noticing it is really all that is necessary. But it is important for me, natural for me, and good for me to then ask for help in its removal. A bit of ritual, ceremony, a show of respect, if only in meditation, but sometimes then symbolized consciously, and thus putting an end to it is anchored in the physical.
This reaction came first when I was up gambling yesterday. Even though I was not spending less than I could afford, and even though I was spending more of the casino’s welcome-cash than my own, I sat there in deep enjoyment, with just a twinge of guilt, of shame, of fear.
There it was, following me around.
I had a long conversation, in the end, and I will tell you, in part, what I came to understand. Then I can move on because what I really need to tell you about is this thing about authority and the Grateful Dead.
So, the conversation went something like this:
I remember when I couldn’t walk past a machine without it spitting money at me. I could get three, sometimes four, spinning, all at once. I was “lucky,” and I use that word only because the spigot has dried up. And it is easy to know I am in the spin when I am winning, and in my life I was, I was, I was winning, I was beating this thing, and I really did, guys, I really did, get my shit together.
And then everything came apart, one by one, everything changed, everything that was holy was indeed desecrated, and the betrayals (revelations in the truth I just stubbornly refused to acknowledge, no victim, I) wow.
It was trippy. I mean, I don’t even want to launch into my litany of weirdness. Someday when You have an hour and I have a radio show I will tell you of the desert years. We can each be sitting by fires, and we can all listen to it together. But in the meantime, no ghost stories allowed! We are moving on to higher ground with this.
And I was up there playing a machine, then considering the years of 2000 to 2011 I don’t feel quite so much like I am going to barf when I think on that block of time, the pain is receding, the shame and humiliation, the horrible devastation, of not being able to manifest.
Where did it go, I thought idly, but really, in that sparkly state in the casino, playing a pretty slot, I asked them, what happens when it all stops. For all the love and good wishes and good intentions, what if I keep bringing up duds? I have had so many years of set-backs, false-starts, recreation-s-of-purpose, disappointments, removal of “attachments” and, by God, an attachment is ANY attachment to ANY egoic principle, any personality fragments, any genetic debris. All of it. It all had to go. So it doesn’t necessarily mean you lose your house, though I lost my dream house, no lie, and it doesn’t mean that the things you love will somehow melt into a cloud of cosmic weirdness.
What it means is that any attachment you have, the you who thinks about bills and what Eloise thinks, yeah, that you, the personality one that you can recite the story to, “Well, she was born here, and went to school there, and her folks were this way and her friends were that way, and she wanted to be this, but instead she did that, and she was never lucky in love but had a lot of fun,” yeah, that one, it’s gotta get detached from the bigger you, or better, it needs to get loved into the bigger you, the one who thought it up as an ode, as a lyrical poem, as a dream.
What Kahn said today really resonated: Our higher selves are really our angelic future selves, here to lend a hand to our self through spiritual maturation.
And then he says this about how pain is caused from being in time, from believing in the perception and all the things that go with time.
Agreement fields, just as The Group hinted at two days ago!
Do you know, I came right out and told Sam about a puzzling manifestation of this phenomenon. I told him, I just don’t quite understand this, but when I did not have money, I feel more at peace, and when I actually have it, I am not at peace, and really, you would think the reverse would be much more reasonable.
He agreed, of course, but he has loved me through this. It has been a difficult time for him, being in puberty and all, and after six days together this last time, we were both begging Jerry for a break. So Sam will be away until Tuesday. I do not know what will become of me when Jerry goes away.
Seems he has pretty much just unplugged from us. Told me that he can’t help me financially anymore. And he’ll be fifteen hundred miles away come fall. What are we going to do?
And now I am in time.
And I am immediately aware that fear and excitement are said to have the same vibration, so I am now going to see this twinge of fear, and love on it, see it for what it is, a signal that I have forgotten the truth there for a minute, really, and I will now hook onto the cleansed excitement (see, in my mind, my very awareness of the fear transmutes it with white-gold-violet pretty light into something nice and pleasing to all…) and see where that takes me. If I have further thoughts of things in time, schedules, appointments, judgments, that sort of thing, then there is another technique I use. I think it is time to do this now, as I am quite uncomfortable, and I will describe it to you briefly. It is discussed in depth in some of my earlier work.
OK, you take the emotion or the event, situation, circumstance, relationship, belief construct, whatever, that is causing you suffering, real pain, in your thoughts or in your heart.
And you imagine it as a ball. I have seen it as a smoky quartz crystal ball with black snakes writhing inside, most often. And then it gets as big and as ominous and freaky deaky as you can handle, and you see it as within you as well as outside of you, contained very securely, in this ball or whatever you want.
And then, you say this:
This is state of being which is no longer mine. It never really was mine to begin with. And so I am saying, I no longer recognize it as mine. I allow my Selves to reach sainted resolution to any energy this state of being continues to have in my current reality, but I say now that the reverberations will be only for the love of all, as lesson is void with this state. Please remove any remaining strands of this energy, just pull them right out from me, and let me be filled instead, forever, with the love of my creator.
But this last time I did this, just now I did it with fear, resentment, all those niggling things that have just been bringing me down.
And I saw the ball. And then I was gonna summon up this mighty wind to spout my words, but before I could do that, involuntarily and it really surprised me, the ball got littler, littler, littler, til it got pin-pointy, and then there was a lot of white light, and then I could see that I was glowing very white.
And then I woke up and wrote Oh My!
So it is a very effective technique. Judy Satori first gave it to us, and I think she will be seen as an elder, although, really, she already is. Because she is.
So, then here comes Kahn, tugging at me, telling me to get clearer, stop mucking up the works. Be honest, for God’s sake. Just be honest.
It is ok to come out now, he said to me.
He said, here I am, I am speaking my truth, and oh my god, it is so weird, and it is being LISTENED TO. Come out and join me. There is lots of room.
And here comes the pearl. About authority.
I think that I purposefully gave myself many of these experiences to wring out every single fucking drop of personality ego. It was necessary. I got to see polar examples, growing up, of the postures ego inevitably takes in this old energy. I did this to make sure that this time, when I speak, and I speak from my authority, because what I have to say is my truth, and there is permission to speak now, I speak of a truth that is powerfully obvious, and freeing, and fun, and expansive, so what the hell, right? Well, if you mix this with one iota of clingy need for recognition or fear of going unseen, well then, that is a life lesson being worked out, my friend. It was mine.
And although I have always been seen as the smartest person in any room (something I have lived with my whole life, to which I say, oh , p’shaw, and to which the old me would internally be screaming, “I KNOW AND I CANNOT STAND ONE MORE SECOND IN YOUR COMPANY BECAUSE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”) I have not always been known as the nicest one in the room. And I tell you truly, I will never be that nice, gentle, compassionate person, not that often, when my uniform is off. Not as much as I would have liked. And I have hung on my very own cross each and every time I missed an opportunity, I am a haunted one because of it, or at least I was.
I am no angel, and I want it known to everyone, forever and a day, that I am a guttural, physical entity who just happens to be switched on. I love my body, I love its complexity and its cravings, its workings and its willingnesses, its restrictions, its mysteries. I love nature, I love trees, and I can get lost looking at a lobster tail after dinner. I am in love with it all.
So I am not going to be in the camp that we must purge our lower natures. I do not think there is a higher or lower. There is that which spins faster than that which spins more slowly, and that is all. It is all divine, all mystical, and all quite awesome.
It has been my mission to be a light here, but it has been, up until now, a pretty selfish pursuit. I was inbred with such a consuming hunger, and such great disdain for the fucking nonsense I saw around me, all the deceit and nonsense. Good God, we have all tolerated far too much nonsense, don’t you think?
And has this been your experience? I will bet ten bucks it has.
Especially as you have gotten older, have you noticed that you are just naturally seen as someone who is not part of any given group? I heard Kryon say something that keeps playing in my mind, its sadness and its truth so poignant and fresh.
He said, look back, old soul, at your path, as it led here. Look back at all the lives, shaman, living outside the village. And they come to you when they need you. And then they go away from you, and leave you alone, because you are just a little different. And he said, look at these lives, most of them with this as the theme, and this theme, this primary theme, has been the one of SURVIVING ENLIGHTNEMENT.
Many choose to not wake up now because of all the pain. Do you remember when the village turned, as one, away from you, a few of the more perverse the ones to strike the torch which consumed your body, in the end? Remember the ostracism, the ridicule, and when we did all get together, usually in the dark, in secret, it usually just all how somehow wound up going haywire.
Oh my, my. Interesting times. The old days.
And then, he said, this seed fear of enlightenment, it is a real and valid one which must be acknowledged and loved into awareness of its true nature. Could this seed fear be as well timed as anything? Could it be that the fear of enlightenment is one of the biggest fears to conquer. There are many fears (attachments), but some are more powerful than others.
My fear of speaking my mind is intense and causes intense suffering, whenever I cave to it. I only experience it at work, when I am in time, and therefore in the cage of money, in the cage of expectation and disappointment, of right and wrong, of better and worse, of mean and ugly and gruesome and tragic. The hospital. I keep my trap shut, and I am in agony sometimes as a result.
I have known for a long time that these hospital shifts have been my laboratory, where I try on different clusters of thoughts, and I have no allegiance to any unit, so by the next time I see a group I spent 12 hours with, they’ve moved on to different dramas, and as weird as I might have seemed, I am given another shot.
It is an awesome construct, really.
I fully believe that I am called to by the patients assigned me, that they have requested my presence at their bedside, and I believe that my co-workers are angles who are in varying degrees of amnesia, some more rule-bound and fussy than others. They are usually the ones who believe they are in charge. They believe they hold the most authority in the room.
But authority, well, the sort of authority which makes me perk up my ears, the authority which smacks of home, which I just can recognize now and gain nourishment from in all its forms, this sort of authority is unafraid, it has no defenses, it has no explanations, unless done in love, and its expressions are meaningful, involuntarily healing, to the point, disarming, loving, always merciful.
Words sometimes spoken to people which make no sense, getting up and checking on someone for no good reason and finding them in trouble. That is me now, and I am just finishing up this project.
If I can help lighten this heavy agreement field of life and death, illness and health, right and wrong, good and bad, night and day, then I can do anything. I really can.
And this is how I set it up. And now that I know that, I will still live it through, but the lessons will be gentle and helpful now, the people I meet, if adversarial, an invitation to laugh and say “Horsefeathers and poppycock.” I was told to say that whenever I feel that zealous righteous indignation I am still so prone to these days.
And here comes the kicker.
What am I without you?
I ask this in all sincerity.
There is an austere sort of mentality which has settled over folks in this part of the time lime. Lots of separation, lots of convincing people I really mean them no harm. That’s a lot of it. Just easing people. They are so uptight. So into comparing and worry and anxiety and fear. And that takes its toll, being around those convinced of their own fragility, I hate to admit.
And I find that I have set it up to have no real friends. Those who do befriend me still keep their distance. I know that’s because I like it that way, and that’s what I have to change, and I will change, on this, kicking and screaming, unless I decide to do it differently this time.
And I think I am in a position to decide.
And this is authority, but not the kind that will earn me stage time, not yet, or a promotion, thank god, and it hasn’t manifested a cash tree in my house, either. Nope. But it’s an authority that is fun to wear anywhere. It is even fashionable to wear on the beach.
And here is how I know having this authority is finally, finally, finally, ok to claim: This is a new world.
I know this is so, because I was taught it would happen, and who I would be, what position I would play here. I learned that in the 1990’s. Then, poopy things happened, yada yada, read my other blogs for the pain and its resolution, this is a song of celebration!
I know I am in authority of my reality. And I know this is possible because I know this is all real. The dreams, the meditations, the talking I hear, the physical conversions where my heart stops, all of it, it is the DNA activation I prayed for all that time ago, and was hardwired from the very beginning to yearn for. It’s why I am losing weight and it is why I look different than two years ago. I set it up so I would have to seek out to solve my koans in unconventional ways, and my parents agreed to let me. And so it worked out great.
And in this new energy, I can think clearly. I have a good sense of humor, and hold good will for all. But I will tell you, the nonsense still irritates me, and I have no problem voicing my thoughts, in a very kind way, a gentle way, sort of like, “Dear, do you really think it is appropriate to be getting paid to go through the purse of a plump older woman with a 12 year old who just wants to have a day of sun at Water World? Really? There are no bombs in here, no weapons. Do you really really think this is OK to be doing? I know things are tight, but, really? This doesn’t seem like something a nice girl like you should be doing.”
Things like that.
And damn the torpedoes.
I don’t have a problem calling out the nonsense. I have come to find that people sort of like it. It is refreshing, I usually comment that we seem to all be stuck in a very restrictive system, and these are behaviors which really just don’t make good common sense. I tell that to teachers a lot. And so I do irritate a lot of people, but most just laugh right along with me, at the absurdity of it all. A few folks react to this with their shame, but I don’t really feel shame like that anymore, so I just love them when I see them next, and it’s all forgiven, and they feel permission to have had something pretty wrong. It’s cool. So have I.
I realize now that this period of severe ranklement is nearly complete.
I am culling meaning from fragments, now, that I had forgotten, and my life is often kaleidoscopic. It is all allegorical, metaphor, poetry, meaning, context, and all of it is beautiful.
Some of this sense of authority came from asking to see the future. I used my pendulum and asked to see the responses for “Yes,” “No,” and “It must remain hidden at this time.”
And then, after making sure I was clear, I asked some very important questions. And I got answers I trust.
Of course, I re-test my pendulum answers constantly, once I get into doing the pendulum. It didn’t work on me for a really long time, and the answer motions aren’t the same as they used to be, but it works again, and it is effective.
An aside: I taught Sam how to do It, use a pendulum, gave him my Ganesha pendant to do it, because he had a violent reaction to a can of chicken and dumplings. Actually, I should have used quote marks around that food name. It was probably infected horse and old Chinese men’s toenails. And he had me drive him to the hospital at 11 o’clock two nights ago, so sick he was.
We sat in the waiting room and then, after some thinking on the thing, Sam decided he’d rather go home and sleep. And so we came home and he, privately, tested all sorts of foods, many he’s been having bizarre reactions to for quite some time, and he came into my room elated, smiling, proud, listing off the things the pendulum said was good for him and bad for him!
See, I am in this game, and it may very well be a hologram, I think I saw that on Christmas Eve, but I’m really missing the point if I am not invested in living well, in ways that promote more happiness, more clarity, more peace.
I know this is a new time for us as a people, and this shame I used to feel about having not gotten it right before I put it out there, I think that is silly now. You do realize that my work, it spans a year, longer than that now, and it was in the infancy of my awakening that I knew I had to do this. So people will naturally be drawn to whatever level of ascension they are attracted to, and that’s good, and it’s all over the web, and that’s good too.
I know new projects are afoot, and I hope that when I sit down to write, in future, I won’t have such diarrhea of the mouth. I still feel a little weird about it, but I know that there is a purpose to it, and I can fight it, or I can let it be, so for now I will just accept that I am the lengthy, verbose, complex, multidimensional one, the one all about context and making this physical life wonderful and satisfying and ecstatic where once there was only pain, only grief, only sadness and depression and that was really all I had permission from others to express. It was an agreement field.
Bye-bye, agreement field of sorrow. There is nothing, not any longer, to be sorrowful for. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
There are octaves of emotion, as there are octaves of physical expression. Purity of expression comes from purity of self, clear of attachments, of stories which do anything more than refine. Stories no longer define. All is words and thought constructs until one goes within, where the price of admission to the really good shit is telling your narrator to sit down and look up and please, just be still.
I know it may seem funny to think about this, but imagine the deeper truth, that we all have a narrator going at us 24/7, and we don’t even notice it yammering until the rug gets pulled out from our lives.
It’s always there.
The Teachers talked often about how reality works, when working with spirit. There are always whispers. Always they are there. Always. (This implies that there are entities there doing the whispering, by the way.)
And sometimes, when there is a critical decision to be made, and maybe it will appear really counter-intuitive, but perhaps a sharp left turn in your reality is needed to get you on the best path, to steer you from one potent probability to another, preferable potent probability, the whispers are there.
And if you choose not to listen to the whispers, that is fine. But that means you then are going to get louder messages. It may come in the form of a friend’s advice, or a TV commercial, or a stranger on a train. But there will be a message, as the excitement, the potentials, mount. Timing, it is mysterious, and preparations must never be minimized. They are important.
The synchronicity builds for many of us, at that point, and all we really need is a tap on the shoulder and we show up to the next agreed thing early, but when you first start out, until gentleness takes over, this is the way of it.
So, then, if there is a big message you need to get (remember, you, the bigger you, is in on this stuff and helps set the contextual significance during the dream state), well then, if you are like me, if you like things loud and big and messy and sloppy and undignified and hilarious, then you do the old cosmic 2×4.
There are reasons behind seemingly impossible events, and many of the things we say “happen” are so mind-blowingly benevolent, but we just don’t have the eyes for it yet, sometimes, unfortunately.
I like excitement, change, I like the quicksilver my mind has become. But I no longer expect cosmic 2×4’s. I had a chat, and we have an agreement. There is no more need for any shocking events. I do not give permission to be shocked.
Awed, sure, moved, of course, but the piercing sort of shock I used to have when I discovered a truth (usually that someone was incapable of any higher love than they were currently exhibiting), I don’t want that anymore.
I want to see more clearly, all the time. I want to avoid the shocking situations,. You cannot be shocked if you understand the purpose behind the seemingly shocking event.
And once you discover the only message in any event is, “I love you,” the shock factor reduces significantly.
And I think that is what authority represents. I know that tonight I may encounter one of the most petty, mean little charge nurses it is my great displeasure to know, She acts in awful, just putrid, ways, but just toward me, so no one else sees her crazy, but, oh she is mean as a snake, shaming, just a real bitch, Just horrid.
And I now anticipate working with her tonight.
What can I do but smile? Knowing she’ll play tricks, and knowing that each time she does, it is simply an invitation to smile, to shine my light, to tell her she can no longer tempt me into a fight, into defending myself, I am not interested, and it will be how I hold myself and how I speak which will disarm her.
And what gets brought up is, well, what happens if the spigot is dry once again, right when I needs it?!
Is this not the central theme? How can I trust myself if my authority is spotty, if I doubt my story, my meaning, my worth? This dance with doubt has been an arduous one. The things I hold dear and have always known to be true, as articulated so beautifully by Mr. Kahn, tell me that it is finally ok to be like this, and to just be nice. Do you know how long I have waited for everybody’s permission to just relax?
And this us and them thing, this First Wave thing, this necessary division in consciousness, something that has nothing to do with ego needs and all to do with energetic frequencies, this us and them thing is a device, just for now.
Do you know how long it has been for some of us to claim our authority? Our sense of worth? How many of us are cowering, still, after six months of glorious 2013 energy, and a whole year and intense 2012 energy, and what is preventing us?
We keep looking back, onto that old shaman road, looking back and reliving the lonely times, the times when doing good meant getting punished for it, again and again and again. Many of us did not get in too much trouble this lifetime, but that sense of no good deed going unpunished, I know about that.
And I know the spigot cannot be stopped, but it is not as I used to think of the spigot.
I saw the result as the good. I saw the winnings, or the good job, or the easiness, as the result of the work.
That is not so.
Although the work does indeed produce all these things, the object I fancy, whether it be cash or a partner or a readership, these are congealed heart desires, they are imagined good. And they are symbols.
To be rich means, to me, to be out of time. To finally be off the wheel, no longer affected by time unless I choose to be. That is my definition of freedom. I have always known that I will one day know such wealth, such success, that it is pretty boggling, but just fine with me, commensurate with my talent. I have known this since I was a tot.
I know it is a metaphor.
But my despair always came when I would think I would have to work my whole life as a nurse, slogging, limping, now, and sleep deprived. Unrealized.
I see now this was a timeline which I am in fact elevating with just thinking good thoughts and clarifying the meaning of the work for me.
I have tried, since having that experience at my dad’s house, the sort of expansiveness that timelessness alone provides, living in expansion, I have always called it, and then watching it come and go ever since, I think I know what comes next.
And it involves not taking the work very seriously.
I know what I want, and I have been calling for it for months now, consciously, and all my life, in my dreams, in my quiet moments, in my honest moments. When I kneel down in the chapel of my own honesty, I always know the way to go. And then the clamor would come, and the confusion, and the push and pull of wills.
And that part is over.
I have put my order in, and I have always known the way. I have absolute faith in my path, always have.
In the casino, when I asked that question, what happens when the spigot goes dry, what then, guess what my answer was?
You love it anyway.
You love it.
You love it.
You realize you made it, and you love it, in all its seeming imperfection, and you love your impatience misunderstanding into yourself, and you love it.
Love is what all this is made of, and you can win or lose sitting here, but you are designing it, so if you get mad, you are getting mad at your own creation, and isn’t that getting just a touch old?
From there it was just a short jump to the realization that when I crap out, make a mistake, look like a failure, get caught in someone else’s lie but end up looking bad to others, all those old things that used to just trip me up, well, there was some shame in there, wasn’t there? A thought, like, “This shouldn’t be happening to me!” or “Dammit, when is this nonsense going to END!” or “I’m always going to be a grunt nurse”
There is shame in there, this protective coating telling me something beginning with the sentiment of “should.”
There it is.
That is not loving myself.
There it is.
Love it any way.
Through loving it, the problem, the solution becomes clear. Love it. Love it. Love it.
Love the imperfection, the bad luck streak, the lack of interest in the writing, chuck it all and love it love it love it all.
Do not be ashamed of having very little money, I was told. This is not wise. These are lessons which are not even yours. Your son told you he had been a dick banker and died because of it, in 1948. Your father was brought up in poverty so extreme we will not elaborate. So these are not necessarily your lessons. So just freaking relax. You have been cared for thus far, and your way is clear. Let these lessons conclude. Love them and they’ll clear all that much quicker.
So, yeah, love it anyway.
And I refused, like the young adult I used to be, to write today, upset with myself that I have felt off, and have been writing complex and un-funny things.
And this is just the way of it, and much like how I never really know what I will be saying to anyone, I have never known what the purpose of this writing is (oh my god that is so dishonest. I know exactly what this is, but if I told you, I’d be stoned. With stones, I mean.) but I know it is happy making and makes thing well. So I do it.
It is a meld that I have been working on a long time. So this us and them thing, well, if you think that my being able to talk directly to just about anybody I want, and then coming to know that there has been a lid on my understanding, which Mr. Kahn so expertly removed, yes, there is going to be maybe a mismatch.
But here is the thing.
If I am vibrating faster than those around me, the funny thing is, spinning faster is more natural, and it feels really good, and there are no awful side effects. Yes, those very very deep in their pain, they resist it and can get mean, but you love them any way. And so no harm is done, and everybody just winds up spinning a little better, maybe even a little less wobbly. It is fun and easy. It is my job. I get paid to do it. Sure, I hang IV’s and start IV’s and do all sorts of stuff, but I get paid to spin.
And this spin is infinite, and this knowledge I have always had, now it can come out, because I am unafraid of it. I am unafraid of them, because there finally is no them.
Everyone is valid, everyone has worth, and everyone has meaning. And because I love and respect myself and all that is, I am as kind to my fellow traveler as I can be. Yes, I get impatient, and I am crude, and I have bad habits, but if that is all someone sees, that tells me what they are able to see at present. And that is all.
And that is an authority I always deserved and have never received. And why is this?
Because I did not think I deserved that level of respect. It was never, ever given me by my family, not til recently. I gave myself such restrictive, fussy mirrors. I was capable of great fussiness, in fact. Great restriction. Great anger and impatience. Quite a thundercloud was I.
But it has passed, as has my sorrow and my doubt.
And so the voice strengthens. The message lengthens, and this is as it is. And now, I think I will close, and that is also just as it is, as it should be, as it always was.
Blessings to you this day, my faithful reader, my loving friend.
I think the time of solitude, it comes to an end as this essay does. I feel now that there is more peace to be had in company. It doesn’t hurt as it once did. It still requires some preparations on my part, but I am not bucked off the horse quite so easily, for quite so long, anymore, and for that I am thankful.
The time of recalibration, I know it continues, but this push toward others, it continues to strengthen, and I am so grateful, now, wherever I look, I am reading my words, my understanding, all over the place. We have combined in some beautiful way, and the voices I hear on the internet are strains of the same choir. We each of us, all, have a vital, assigned, so to speak, place in this choir, so there is no need to worry that someone will get to doing your thing before you get any good at it. It won’t work that way.
We people share, we First Wavers. There is a mission to complete, and clarity of action and word is vitally important to all. It is important to right our thinking and be sure that how we proceed is in alignment with the highest good.
Kahn repeated what I have always known to be true. Egypt was an experiment, of folks getting just a little bit more information than their consciousnesses were mature enough to handle. There was a great misunderstanding that just got more and more pernicious and the thing had to be shut down. It was sad. It was a process. And my friend and I , Diane and I, we both have this experience. We can sense Egyptian energy a mile away, and we avoid it, or at least I have, but it has been sort of involuntary, sort of like a magnetic thing, we both just have a revulsion for it. It was such a twisted misunderstanding, misinterpretations. Pretty, but messed up, in the end.
Anyway, they were all just experiences in consciousness, it’s not like Egypt was wrong or bad, but it begs the question, isn’t it important to go as deep as you possibly can with this stuff? To be as honest and true and integrated as possible, as clear and loving as Source? Then there can be no perniciousness, no calamity, no end.
It is not enough to do ceremony or ritual if you are not getting to the core of it, and that really cannot be done, honestly, it cannot be done in a collective. It must be done individually. With guides, arranged guides, helping you.
This is a shift in consciousness for the species. We are transforming on all levels, levels that scientists do not know exist. And some of us are aware of it because we just would not have it any other way.
Some are not even religious this lifetime. I have a friend who is a Christ, and she doesn’t acknowledge this stuff, none of it. But I can pray to one day become as benevolent, as generous, as loving, as tolerant, as brave, as kind, as she.
And that is the point, is it not?
I would not have been satisfied without the frills my words intimate. But others are walking saints, and speak not word one of any of this. That’s fine with me. And the truth is, when I am around these people, and I know a few, I understand, that in their presence, they are in charge. It is a funny thing that happens to me in the presence of such pure love. I am submissive, respectful, I show deference and obedience and respect. What else can be done, in the face of that sort of love? And now, anymore, the nice thing is, it is returned to me, and it is beautiful, and I receive it now gracefully, gratefully, with a happy and open heart!
Authority is one which I made unavailable to me during this trek of mine, this solitary trek of meaning and identity. It has been a complex and beautiful and creative and pretty funny one.
But the end result is to get to the place where people have to come around and get love from me, and I must give it away to all I know and meet, and I am surrounded by those, in my reality, who see me, who recognize me, and I see and recognize them, and all now have the capacity to be honest. Honesty, fearlessness, sentimentality, a deep love for nature, these are qualities which transcend our language, our good news about ascension, all of it.
It is the kindness you feel pouring out of you toward a child, an injured bird, a painting or song or story that fills you with serenity and completion.
This is the state that is our birthright, and the only thing that makes any sense at all, really, don’t you think?
What is authority but coming up against something for which there is no argument?
Really, isn’t that the definition of authority?
And how many people, really, do you think I will encounter on the remainder of this walk, ready to argue with the only words I feel are appropriate to utter, most of the time, “I love you.”
I forgive my not loving when I do not feel it. I forgive myself my perceived failures in loving. I let myself off the hook, and ask to have removed, all the rest of the shame I feel toward not being loving. I release this fear I have that I am not loving right, not living right, not pleasing myself and you because things go south sometimes.
What happens on the outside must be loved, seen for the love it is, and loved back into wholeness. I know that now. And so with the meekness which comes with self absolution, I offer myself to you not as an authority, but as one who is profound love with All That Is. Being meek has been a mark of foolishness. But the times, they are changing, and I believe this to be a mark, now, of someone who has been through the wringer and just has finally surrendered into the Love of Their God.
I am my own authority. You are yours.
And so let it be, as it always was, and forevermore will be.
P.S. Here is the thought linking authority to the Grateful Dead. As happy and clear as I was, I decided to put the Dead on to write. And I put on “Truckin’” first, as is my wont. And for the first time in my life, I listened to it as a person, and not as some groveling fan, imagining the genius, the magnificence, the glory, of Jerry Garcia et al.
I just saw them as a bunch of guys doing the best they can with the understandings they had available to them at the time, and they made some really nice music, really beautiful. But there is nothing there to worship or to fight against or to envy. And how did I get here, I asked myself. I got here by considering all the foo-foo stuff is real, and finally allowing my greater intelligence to have its day. I got here by recognizing that all the rules have changed. All of them.
And so, I am surrendered to this process of which, until recently, I held a great amount of fear and shame, cloaking it, afraid I would get hurt or snuffed out or rejected even more than I have been.
And that has passed away, and what remains is someone who knows she has been around this block before, many times, and that some among me are doing it for the first time.
And there is the us and them, and it has nothing at all to do with anything but one’s mission, one’s role, one’s signature, one’s passion, one’s core meaning, core truth, core.
We all have this, we all walk around with it blazing. But there are some of us who are now of fire, consciously on fire, with this new way.
If that creates an us and them, let it be the one which the forest knows, of seedlings, saplings, mature trees, and ancients. The saplings does not hold hate for its progress, the ancient knows only love for all in all of the states it indeed knows itself to have been, to be. There is no room for comparison in this forest, only appreciation.