Deeply Awake Realized — And So It Goes 3-23-13 By Kathy Vik
I’m here at work, so I don’t have long (a collective sigh of relief goes up through the readership), but I have a couple of remarks, in response to the adjustments I am aware of, after having written “Peace In The Valley.”
First, I have to say that “Peace…” is the finest thing I have ever written. It was as intimate and true, as honest and courageous as a thing has ever been written, and for that I am immensely proud.
To be honest. To say exactly what you mean, these are the things I am constantly aware of while I write. Writer’s block is nothing but junking up the truth, holding ambivalence toward honest expression. But here, in this forum, I know of nothing but honesty, nothing but freedom.
I sometimes grapple with the length of these things, that perhaps they are so long because I am just being a big wimp about being honest. Getting to the point. I don’t know. I am going to edit these things one by one, and in pretty short order, I’ll know if they are long because I enjoy hearing myself think out loud. We’ll see.
For now, I am pressed for time, so I will just let you know that the reason I bring up and crow about “Peace…” is that, as has happened time and time again, it seems that by the act of writing it, just getting it out of me, I then come to appreciate brand new understandings.
It seems the act of expression allows for new connections of the same old data, but also seems to clear my head. These examined prisons turn out to have walls of paper.
So, the main dilemma, I think, that I explained concern about, was that I have come to believe that I don’t fit in at work because I am super weird, and I am surrounded by uptight, compulsive, boring types. In essence, right?
Also, that I am so different that I am off-putting, and so totally amazing that no one could, really, ever get to know me (these are inferred thoughts, but, come on, how could you not get that impression!)
So, here is the thing.
I have come to believe that I am sort of off-putting, but I really don’t know why. I get weird reactions from people, reactions I don’t expect sometimes. And how people behave and how they really think/really feel, oh my god, they are so often at such great variance. And I can tell these things, and I know that some people react really strongly to me for no reason.
So, upon rising today, it dawned on me that maybe I need to just use this differently.
First, this whole set-apart thing, a lot of that is my own doing. I feel awkward socially. Actually, I have been awkward until about a year ago. Now, I surprise myself with how I behave, how optimistic and chipper and cool I am. I have no idea how all this happened.
But I enjoy how I behave, even though it surprises me. So, this old stuff, about people not liking me and being unpredictably mean, you know what, I am sick to death of it. So I decided to change the belief.
There in my jammies, no coffee in me or anything, I just simmered myself down and closed my eyes. I felt the grids that emanate from me, something that I have been able to do when clear, for a few days. And here is what I saw.
I was lit up bright. I just saw a blob of light, walking onto the medical floor. And all around me I saw other lights. Most weren’t very bright, but it was clear to me that this is because these people are convinced they have no light at all.
How bright you are is proportionate with how bright you want to be, need to be.
And so I saw me walking around the unit, walking into and out of patient rooms, all lit up, and my light sort of bumped into and then joined the grids of others, and I decided, there in my jammies, that my light is now a gentle one. It is now a soothing one.
It may be needed to be harsh sometmes, and maybe I just didn’t know how to use it before, but now I know that I can make it/me do anything it/I want, and I want to be a blessing to people now. I no longer want to alarm or shake up or annoy or rattle anybody (I used to enjoy doing that, I have to admit…)
Now I am gentle, I use this whatever-it-is gently. Indulgently. Mellowly happily. Just like the old fat Buddha, just like the slightly mad Merlin, just a tree that understands a few things, in a forest with trees just as majestic, just as breathtaking as me, it’s just that I know how cool we all are. It used to anger me that people didn’t understand that.
No, I think it’s best to look at it all like a tree.
Which brings me to my second, and final, point. I sent my last blog to my dad, to whom it was dedicated. He wrote, saying thank you.
And then I reread it with his eyes, my imagination of his eyes. And it dawned on me that we all are a very cheeky bunch. Really. We have got a hell of a lot of something… courage? delusion? stubbornness?
I mean, we have decided or imagined or both that the time has come for people to start being decent to each other for a change. Decent to themselves, first and foremost. I think our message is that the time has come for there to be equal respect among all things, that everything is consciousness, that we are ultimately responsible for ourselves, and we must know ourselves and love ourselves in order to honestly know and love another.
But we have taken it so far. We have decided that our agenda should be everyone’s agenda. We have decided that the world needs saving, it needs to be reset somehow. We have come to believe that there is a source of power beyond that which we can appreciate with our physical senses which is intervening on our behalf, to awaken all of humanity to their worth.
I don’t think that these are bad beliefs. I think they might actually be in line with reality, actually. I believe that the gates have swung open to a new method of perception, one that is more in line with how reality functions when unimpeded by interfering programs, interfering patterns of being. But that’s just me.
So, that’s all I know. I do have to tell you that I am having one of those cardiac things, and I am at work, so this could get interesting.
I am very light headed, woozy, my heart is not quite right, and pounding. I get this way when things are really popping, really brewing. I love the sensation, but usually, these episodes conclude with me emptying all of my stomach contents. So we’ll see. I pray now to the vomit gods, and seek favor and benevolence.