Deeply Awake — A New Perspective 12-24-12 By Kathy Vik
Today is Christmas Eve. Growing up, we never celebrated on Christmas Day. That was sort of the Dirge Day of the holiday season. But, oh my God, the fun we had on our Christmas Eves! I was recounting holiday memories to Sam, telling him of the wonderful nuances and delights of this season when I was his age. It felt very nice to wake up to the opportunity to chatter about Christmases Past.
But the day began for me before I opened my eyes. I have been given a gift of unusual proportion and splendor. I want to tell you about it.
This morning, upon first re-entry, that fuzzy place before full consciousness, I understood something that has been a Major Life Koan, and I have been studying intently the last three months.
See, what I was shown was sort of like the way things get distributed. I remember, as a goodwill gesture when our new team settled into our flagging nursing home, we all took tours of local businesses, and one was the distribution center for the Rocky Mountain area Wal*Marts.
Stuff at the distribution center is very tidy, very orderly, lots of monitoring of stocks and movement and stuff coming in and out in big packages, great amounts. And from there, stuff goes to local stores, is unpacked, is bought, stolen, run over by shopping carts, spilled on, loved, cherished, hated, ignored.
It all happens on the local level, the emotions and the complexity and the probabilities for each and every item, which came from the distribution center, where it had been huge lots of itself.
Now, this is an analogy I came up with once I was conscious, but it flows very well. The deal is, that on a higher level, where the plans are devised, implemented and monitored, that’s the level where there is a lot of activity, and a lot of movement. That’s the level I was on, seeing things as maybe more abstract, but so fascinating. And then, there’s my life. My various challenges and thoughts and feeling states and chores and hopes and dreams and ambitions and wishes and conundrums and conflicts and resolutions and lessons, they just have a different feel.
I wish I could explain this as whole and complete and lovely as it feels. It is a tough one to put into shared thought, into language, because this is a place which, of course has names and labels, but these are symbols, only symbols.
On this level, there are no problems, no heartache, no real dilemmas. Nothing is unsolvable, because on this level, I see that all these issues, all the things which engage my mind, my attention, my activities, they are by-products of this other level.
I do want to explain that this place has always been called a “higher” level, but I think all of this talk of higher and lower is just symbology, too. It’s funny, because on this level I have found, things are really simple. I see no problems, for miles and miles, mostly because I don’t see these issues as problems, and certainly not “negative.” No. Where I am just now is a place where I am understanding that all of these issues I have created to get to know me better.
Does that make sense? I saw, upon awakening, and consistently since, that these issues, this physical reality, it’s all just symbology. It’s quite abstract, very complex, and highly compact, the physical, the third. And there is no judgment in my heart, so I am seeing everything just a little more sainted, I think.
All the heartache we have and continue to experience, all the high experiences of really deep love between you and another, whether it be with a friend or lover or cashier, all the demands for my time and all the demands I have placed upon myself, I see now, they are simply symbols. They are real and valid and curious and fascinating, but they are symbols. This is an exercise. This is a self-perpetuated treasure hunt.
This is not to say that I have no feelings. But what’s weird, with where I am just now,
I am feeling a deep compassion for myself when I have these swells of emotion. I have had lots of little bursts of pure well-being. But I have also felt many other feelings today. Lots of triggers in the air. The place is thick with them today.
But I am not feeling especially triggered, really, by anything. There are things happening in my life that I wish were more harmonious. I feel anxious, because my Christmas presents this year were so really embarrassingly small, and yet, and yet, I keep with it and I realize that what I told Sam this morning, still sparkly from dreamtime and happy to be back in the illusion, is indeed true.
I could only afford to buy Sam one thing. And this is coming from a Mom who always worked extra or had a big bonus or money would in some other way just coming crashing into my life starting, usually, by the end of November.
That didn’t happen this year, and I did not have many resources through the year, so the gifts I bought for others was meager, at best.
One evening at the end of November, I told Sam that we would not have the usual resources this year, so I wouldn’t be able to get him much. I asked him to think on it and tell me what would delight him, because my aim, this year, was that whatever I wound up getting for my family and friends might be cheap, but the intent would be to delight them, get them something that would give them delight.
He considered it, and said he’d like a blanket this year. What a lovely idea! How splendid.
He’d wanted a really special bag at a store we visited this spring, and at the time I could only afford the coin purse. Consistent with his soul’s maturity, right there in the store, having to be told no for something he wanted wholeheartedly, he said, “OK, Mom. But, when we come back here, do you think I could get it?”
Oh. My. God.
So yesterday, with a few dollars in my pocket, I asked my fussy neighbor for her car, and I drove out to that one special store. Sam was at home, alone, waiting for me to return. I found the store, and there was no purse. Darn it. Instead, I bought our loved ones each little crystals, and myself my present, a bumper sticker now adorning the wall I look at when looking up from typing, “Artists Are Here to Disturb the Peace.”
On the way home, present-less for Sam, I decided to swing over to Wal*Mart and find a blanket. It’s beautiful, blue, like him, with a soft woolen backside. It was very reasonably priced.
This morning, before unwrapping it, he had wracked his brain but couldn’t remember what he’d asked for. I thought about it and was blown away. In all of Denver, Colorado, or New Mexico, for that matter, I could have chosen anything at all for him. Anything at all. And I chose this blanket.
And the whole level/Wal*Mart distribution center/manifestation/ain’t-nothin’-but-a-thang dream came crashing back.
A desire. A choice. Unforeseen circumstances. An energy exchange. A gift. Delight. Wow.
So, this year, I think I may have done a little bit of ascension overnight. I feel so oddly and happily and blissfully blessed. Unconcerned. Blameless. Shameless. Certain. Uncertain.
I do not know what comes next. Never do. And I think these are sort of weird times. I think there are an extraordinary amount of movement in my life just now, and lots of blind alleyways, box canyons, but resolution and a feeling of accomplishment every time I am stymied.
I have had an extraordinary amount of frustrating circumstances, circumstances which could drive others to despair, to a place of unfaltering shame. And yet, I feel none of that. I have decided that this is the time of endings and beginnings and false starts. This is my time of kindergarten of faster manifestation. I’m learning new skills, and of course, doing it imperfectly. And so what.
I understand I have set this up to reap big bang after big bang of insights, moving through these challenges, these surprising circumstances.
When bad things, defeating thing used to happen to me, I just felt a weight, one more weight, was being added to my frame. I think my being so fat was a lot about that, not knowing how to discharge and dispel the shame, I ate it up, emanated it, and invited it from all who entered my space. So unworthy of any good thing, so certain of the drudgery of it all, so convinced of life’s futility.
And here I am, in a completely different space. Because I don’t believe these things are what they used to represent to me.
Now, I am seeing these defeating things, the car not working, the last crappy job I had, my poverty, my car not working, my debts, my relationship sort of crumping, being in distress, well, all of these things are all of the following:
Completions, discharges, of remaining behavioral patterns, ones which perhaps served at one time, but have become completely useless. They are highly charged, rapid, and are always coupled with a sort of catharsis.
Finally taking responsibility. Now, I think that this wasn’t entirely possible for me until I saw this different perspective of neutrality, the distribution center idea. Hard to take responsibility for a ton of shame and blame and fear and insecurity. But when seen from this new perspective, there is a cleanliness to all this, I see it all as constructs and structures and metaphor, so it’s simply easier to see that, jeez, I created all of it by my belief structures, my feelings, my thoughts about the matters at hand.
There are a whole lot of ways to skin a cat. In fact, the possibilities for resolution in these weird days are truly endless. But all of the lessons learned at this point seem to be about self-acceptance, self-love, giving myself permission to think as I wish, feel how I do, and behave as I do. I see I am a work in progress, as is each of us. Each of us is dealing with core issues, I think, and everyone is using the other as their blind canyons. We are all helping each other to resolve things from a different time, so the resolutions are coming thick and fast.
If I want my life to be different, I must behave differently. In ways that are fun, and plugged into enjoying everything as it is, while understanding that nothing in this, my reality, is more than a way to remind myself of my divinity and the divinity, the true and absolute divinity and the magnificent sacrifice each and every one of us has made to be physical during these times. Each of us is lighted, Christed. And that’s whether they know themselves to be or not. Whether they are kind or not. Whether they speak this esoteric language or not.
Everything is going as planned, on this higher level, on this different frequency, and there is a ‘just in time’ method in place that would just blow our minds if we became fully conscious of it.
Everyone in my current reality is here to teach me, and for them to teach me, but this is being done on a deeply energetic way. I think this is where that distribution center concept is the most poignant. We don’t really even grasp consciously just who we have been to each other, and we don’t understand the lessons the other is learning. Rarely are real feelings ever discussed, in polite company, and even lightworker on lightworker, we are teaching each other, but on an unspoken, sainted level. There is a lot going on we may not know. And part of this process is waking up to the magnificence, and the layers within which we are all functioning so flawlessly.
So, that’s the nature of the change. This is what I understand now. And I don’t know how long it will last, but I am becoming less and less convinced about that whole falling-back-asleep fear I have always carried.
I have dropped a lot of the denial I used to carry about who and what I am, and am caring less and less about what others hold as their judgments of me. It’s always much more enjoyable when I am involved in a mutually loving conversation or exchange, but some are not, because everyone is going through their own brand of turbulence right now.
I realize that a lot of the goals I have held for myself are based in an older version of reality, and things are going to manifest as they will, for a time, but a lot of it right now has to do with intent and how conscious I can be, because I think that at these different variations, being still is not as helpful. I have been introspective and retrospective for a little over a year now. I have dramatically altered my approach to myself, in all the stillness and solitude and care I have given myself, and my reality over this past year.
But I think now may be the time also of beginnings. It’s time to crack out my spidey-senses, stop denying that there is magic in the air, and magic within, and start reaching out in brand new ways. This can only happen for me if I am not quaking in fear, convinced of my unimportance, and willing to sacrifice my sense of identity to anything I am convinced has more power in any given situation than me.
I guess what I am thinking is that I may indeed be an equal partner in all of this. I am responsible for all of it, my perception of it all. I am no magician, not quite yet, and I suffer from this stupid amnesia, so I will still have bumps, but I think they can be fewer now, maybe. And even if they are what anyone else could only categorize as ‘catastrophic,’ they are purposeful, and I am beginning to believe all of it, every single thing, every single thing, is there simply for the highest good for all involved. All of it.
That doesn’t preclude my need to be genuine and kind and thoughtful and as generous and benevolent as I can be. That is my genuine desire in every situation. And it also doesn’t preclude my new desire to get clearer about my intentions, trying out new things, imagining new possibilities, surprising myself with all the mercy I am finding laying around.
So, this is a lean Christmas. Maybe I could even call it my last Christmas of the Depression. It is the last year I will approach my world, my people, myself, as a beggar.
I am no longer a beggar.
I am a legitimate human being, even though I do not see things the way others do. What I have learned is that every single person is having their very own experience. The best I can do is be as supportive as possible, as tolerant and genuinely loving as I can in any given moment. Letting myself feel exactly how I feel, allowing the dark and the light, the ups and the downs, the endings and the beginnings, the false starts, the unskilled manifestations, the unskilled words and deeds. I am learning, and I’m doing it with as much kindness as possible. I allow myself to make mistakes, to ask forgiveness, to be unheard.
Everything is here for a reason, to love me, to gift me, to help me. And I no longer think I am a burden or a curse to anyone or anything. I am doing my best. I am mindful, and I am hoping for the best. In full realization that I need to try new things now, have a little more belief in my own competence, because, after all, I am experiencing all of this as details. They are details. They are not unimportant details. But they are instructive in nature, the goal being to learn all the facets of love there is, was and will be. All the variations of love. Creativity. Respect. Humility. Compassion. Tenderness. Honesty. Kindness. Brotherhood. Oneness. A sense of humor. Allowing the other to be as imperfect as we, by now, are deeply and clearly aware we also are.
So this is my new perspective. My Christmas gift from the Ethers. An awareness that truly, and truly and truly, there can be and there is peace on earth. I am deeply grateful for every setback, every failure, every mistake, every time I have known destruction of something perfect and true and right. Every time that I have been brought up short, I have been given a hand engraved invitation to not get stuck, to not have those huge, hungry energy hooks that used to pull me down and go into deep dark spaces of separation and loneliness.
I asked, about six months ago, in a very exalted state to one day dwell there. A place of un-reactivity. This, to me, is the mark of the truly blissful, the true energetic master. It is a place of non-judgment. It is a place of allowance. Unable to feel guilt or shame or anger or fear, not because I’ve been visited by aliens or had some conversion, but because it is in that place that the hooks, the pain, is discharged. It’s gone.
The old hurts and haunts, they are gone. There are no blockages, no energetic eddies, no real pain. When things are hard or scary or hurtful or sad, you feel them, and then they re gone, off on the wind, discharged, blessed and released. Blessed and released. And clear. Clarity. That’s a nice place to be. A place of feeling no judgment, no need to blame or shame, and no need to pick up these parcels from others.
This is a state where there are no tugs, no pulls into that old flow, that clunky, unhappy place of limitation and fear. There is nothing to fear. There are the limitations which are instructive, and there is a way to structure thins that are more peaceful, fewer highs and lows, fewer losses. Change, yes. Loss, no. There is a difference, all the difference in the world. Right now is not a time of permanence. Beginnings, endings, altered perspectives.
I hope that your Christmas is a happy one. I hope it is what you really wanted, really needed, on a distribution center level. I hope that whatever condition your condition is in is fine with you, that you are ok with whatever you are presenting yourself, picking up all those clues about all the significance everything in your reality truly is. Our reality is thick with meaning.
A little too thick, a little too busy at times. This is the time, for me, of resolute action, of having confidence and blazing forward. Of allowing each and every fear I have come up, be felt, be acknowledged, be thanked, and then be blessed and released, so that I can go about the business of living this life to the fullest. Bringing in extra income, doing unlikely things, writing for money, maybe, going to a different work environment, being open to the whispers, knowing that it is all just a treasure hunt, all here for all of our highest good, there is no blame and there is no shame, just adventure and creativity and newness and a willingness to bend and grow in brand new ways.
Who knows where this is headed? All I know is this moment, as sweet as it is, fourteen minutes away from unplugging and cleaning, then celebrating with family, coming home to be alone, grounded, quiet, peaceful, contemplative, grateful, excited, and wanting more. More of the good stuff. Knowing this is all just as it should be, there is nothing wrong that cannot be righted, cannot be blessed into peace and harmony, at least on an energetic level.
The time of endings and of beginnings, the world now, once again, bathed in more light daily. More sunlight. More love. More clarity. More willingness.
My Christmas, 2012. An interesting one. A happy one. A slidy one, kind of. Things are not as they appear, from this perspective. It’s easier to navigate from here, from this different level, this new perspective. It is going to take some time to adjust. And I know there will be lulls, dips in the awareness. Bound to be. Bound to be foul ups. That’s all ok too.
We are all just doing the best we can, interpreting the orders sent to us from the distribution center, completely unaware it was we who placed the order in the first place. That this is what we thought we needed at this moment, for our highest good.
That’s because I think that the distribution center is responsible for only delivering variations on love.
Each and every package sent is manufactured with love, love is the only ingredient of each and every package we receive, unwrap, and start using on our walk into 2013.
Pretty nice view from here. Hope it lasts.