Deeply Awake — Bringing It All Home 12-5-12 By Kathy Vik
Here, now, is the time for integration.
I have always felt a bit of reluctance writing, especially about my process, which, after all, is the core of expression, to combine, integrate, destroy and rebuild. Understanding has, until recently, been fragmented, scattered, and necessarily compartmentalized.
Now is the time to allow all aspects to return home, within.
This morning, Sam once again told me about the shadows he sees, especially at night. These shadows scare him, and he is convinced of their malevolent nature, feeling menacing, potentially dangerous and lurking, always lurking.
It dawned on me what is really going on as we walked to the car, preparing for the quick drive to school. I told him, if these are aspects of yourself, if you are casting shadows it’s to get you to talk with them, unafraid.
If it’s just you, just little pieces of your awareness, then if they scare you a little, maybe that’s to get your attention too, because maybe they have gone unnoticed, unlanguaged, undefined. Maybe you’re showing yourself how playful and powerful you are? It’s a thought.
I smiled, I hugged him, and we were still. We finished by our now standard reminders of how we really are here for each other. So what if there are a couple of shadows, right/ After all, they are shadows, and that’s all. They play upon the walls to get your attention.
What is a shadow? Is it solid? Does it have the ability to pick up the phone and call you? Can a shadow be hugged or kicked? A shadow is proof that light is shining very near by, but there is something interrupting the light from shining clearly. That’s all.
A Shadow is your way of knowing that you have a present, a gift, very close to your imagination which the deeper part of you wants you to unwrap.
He asked me last night, how do you think I am doing?
I sat there and really settled into the question, and its mate, the answer. I asked for precision, for clarity. And I understood and said this: “You are doing phenomenally well. You came in with more understanding than me, and a higher, bigger capacity to love spontaneously than I came in with.
I had to work at this, but to you it comes naturally. And you may be unaware, or unbelieving about this, but it is so. The thing is, you came in with some fragments, old programming, old structures that you are now pushing through, integrating, loving back into yourself.
So when you are dealing with bullies, dealing with being thwarted and misunderstood and pushed against, this is not bad, it is normal, and it no longer has to be so painful. I understand a few things and can help you learn tools, but only if that feels good to you. Your inner guidance is expert, always there, and in perfect timing.
You set this up for success, because you picked a parent who can see and honor you, so I’ll keep helping you, and you will keep helping me, and we will wake up and wake up and wake up.
I had a big day yesterday, and I need to tell you a little about it, I think, because I find it so fascinating, but also because, as someone who has been so very steeped in the old energies of doubt, resistance, fear, and disbelief, it is important for me as a soul to write these words of release, but also these words may turn out to be helpful to others.
If my work can provide an example of one kind of roadmap, then you might be able to apply what I have done and make your own map, your own way out. My way out is from my very own maze, that I spent lifetimes crafting, loving, knowing. You have your own maze.
When you and I can honor each others’ mazes, our crazy fun-houses of amnesia and discovery, without judgment, without shame, without the ever-present incessant imperative to teach, to improve, to convert, ah! Then we have magic.
When others lay down their willingness, their moral imperative, to tell me just how and who and where to fear, to judge, to limit, to exclude, and they stop needing to tell me that my soul can be saved if I’ll only think their way, then there is always a deep sense of relief.
It is no longer instructive or helpful for me to be preached at. Instructed, yes, but at my request. Guided, yes. But hammered at? No. Or, convinced? Never. And it’s not with a sense of judgment or blame that I say this.
Sharing is far different than instruction. Far more adventurous!
I have blasted my reality open with what Bashar calls a permission slip, a manifestation which allows one to be or think in a radically different way. My permission slip is called DIMENSIONAL ASCENSION, written by JULES KENNEDY. Absolutely some of the purest, cleanest information I have ever encountered.
I need you to know that yesterday I think I had my last wrestling match with the lower vibrations. I do know that I have more releasing to do, more processing, but it will be different from now on. It will have a different signature, a different purpose.
The belief that these old energies are real has been dissipated, dispelled. I mean that yesterday, before this energetic milestone, the energy was thick, strangling, hard, resolute, rigid. It created pain, all those jagged edges and non-approximated wounds. There was poor fit.
I went pole to pole yesterday morning, and was in emotional extremity. Toward the end of this huge emotional/soulic purge, I was in my car, weeping and yelling and praying, and I said, from somewhere deeper than I have ever reached consciously, that I am done. Today is the last day that I suffer like this. I am done suffering. I am done believing these lies. I am done being affected, being hit and hurt and rocked by these illusions. It is over, it is done. I am done. Take this from me. Release me.
From there I did a series of sainted errands. I chose to do what Bashar suggests, to just go from highest excitement to highest excitement. But for me, it is more an organic feeling of integration and return, of obedience and quiet joy in listening and being in time with my soul. That’s what I did. I was in time with my soul.
One of my stops was to the Shining Lotus, a little bookstore of magical objects and people. And there, I found a book, my permission slip, my ticket to conscious ascension.
When I worked with the Teachers and then they left, this set up a number of realities for me, set a lot of things in motion. Of course they did not “leave,” and I have never been without them. I chose to turn from it. I chose to shut it down. I played in 3rd, and I got real messy, and I did it all. I have done it all.
And now it is time to bring it all home. Like Sam’s shadows, playing against the walls of my reality are jigging and lurking and prancing and leaping shadows. They are still there, and I expect them to get thicker before they evaporate entirely. But I have come to understand that as I have done this shadow play, I came to convince myself I was doing this battling and dancing with solids and reality, all this time.
But, they’ve been shadows. Just shadows.
And now it is time to bring it all back to where it began.
This writing, this consciousness, this awareness, they’ve been what I needed to set something right within me, down deep, into the very matrix of my structure, my core, the very foundation of my Self.
You may never fully understand the degree of madness I experienced, knowing my truth to be the truth, and yet turning, turning, turning from it every day, every moment, turning from the light, from the truth in a blind attempt to become the light.
This dissonance, its name is doubt. It was an experience with deserving, with identity and meaning at its core. What is real? What is not real? What is true? What is not true?
A few months ago, one of the last times that my sister and I were together, she asked me, during a long stillness that had developed between us, what is all of this about?
Without blinking, without hesitation, I said, “Ascension.” That’s always been what it’s been about. It’s the only directive. It’s my raison d’etre. It’s my essence. I didn’t tell her all that. Just the word.
The thing is, at the time, I was going on what I can only term faith. I had been told this, and it rang so true that I knew it to be mine. I believe it to be. Ascension.
And this final piece, this permission slip, has served as my confirmation.
Ascension is all that I am here to do. It is an amazing and holy and exciting and fun process.
And the doubt is finally removed. What I was experiencing in my car yesterday morning, groaning and moaning and weeping against the weight of the last push of a third dimensional force, that was a birthing process, a release of the heaviness, and a simple declaration. A simple statement.
I am done.
I am done.
Done with density.
Done with illusions which are harmful, destructive, warped.
And then, reading what I have, meditating as I have, feeling this grid come alive within and without, I know that ascension is more than a whispered hope. It is more than a mental construct, a way to herd the masses toward just being nicer to each other. Nope, it’s more than that, at least to me, for me.
I am able to move energy and light in new and interesting ways.
Here’s a little miracle.
Last night, I read my book by means of my little aquarium light. It is a dim blue light which flickers and moves, turns and appears to have life, although it’s just an illusion. I enjoy reading by this light, but the quality of the light changes as the background moves on its wheels, now showing us a coral reef, now showing us a sandy sea floor. Around and around the sea turtles and clown fish rotate through the blue and tan and yellow of the imaginary aquarium, the limitless ocean, sitting on my little nightstand.
As I read, what I noticed is that there was another light shining on the page. It would go on and stay on, brightly illuminating the page with a white blue light.
It came squarely from where my heart was sitting.
It made reading more pleasurable, because the light from my chest didn’t waver as the little aquarium light did. But, then the light would go out.
I noticed it and knew that it was light from my light body. I was, I realized, playing the first of many pleasurable games with myself.
When I read passages that I found were very uplifting, the page lit up, from my chest area. It was then I began to see the correlation.
I had this amazing miracle going on, and I just knew that this was a new manifestation of fun, it was a gift, and it was just the beginning. It was a real. I can go on and on now, I guess, pondering on it, or I can just let it sink in.
While in a darkened room, in bed reading, a sturdier light, from my chest area, lit up the book’s pages, and got stronger when I felt moved, but went out unexpectedly a few times.
I know that ascension is happening now. I understand that the words, the thoughts, the articles of faith that I have allowed as my internal structure, my better nature, that these are indeed true and right and as old and light and love filled as I am.
I am ascending.
I understand now that there are periods of intense light transmission, downloads we call them, and that this is very helpful, to be willing and able to translate huge blocks of transformational energies. But there is an underlying structure to all of it, a structure that is now becoming visible, malleable and cooperative inside the deft fingers of this old soul, inhabiting this skin, grinning from ear to ear, relieved, oh so relieved to know that the release I have longed for is here.
I think it is this longing energy which effectively allowed me to push away this bliss until now. The longing I have known has been, at times, all-consuming, it became The All for me. And it is good and right to love that longing right back into my core. To welcome it home and tell it to put its feet up, pack the pipe and sigh, cover up with this soft green and navy and red plaid blanket made of the finest warmth available in the multiverses.
This is ease. This is integration. This is ascension.
And it is a deeply satisfying INTELLECTUAL pursuit. I think it is a misinterpretation of the data to assume this is done entirely without the higher intellect. I am aware of mathematical and energetic information which allows for the management, the dissipation and realignment of the emotional body, the auric field, all levels of self. I am saying for me, the need to really understand, to understand these energetic truths inside my very cells, and from my highest source of knowledge, this pursuit is one which must, for me, include a deeply rich, lush, vibrant and active intellectual activation.
I am only half unless I have the mental, psychic and akashic levels available to me, then I can use these planes, these grids, to my advantage, in wielding the energetic sword of truth to prune and clip thoughts, beliefs, constructs which are not in alignment.
So it has been wholly, tremendously satisfying to have this multidimensional activation. I can sense different grids now, different energetic fields. I can sense geometry everywhere. I can see the energy of my cats as plain as day, but with eyes that do not see from the eyeballs.
Their energy looks to me like lines, some bold, all straight, humming, alive with light. And they intersect, and they come together and spin in the heart, where the fields are generated into consciousness.
I like to spin with animals. I enjoy just spinning with them. I can do it easier with animals than with people. Animals understand. People don’t like to know. It scares them. This level of energy is quite primal, very happy, but raw, powerful, pure.
I did it with a herd of cows last spring. Just stood there at the side of the road and communed with this herd of cattle. It was quite magnificent, their culture, their consciousnesses, their constructs.
I asked my dad about the personalities of cows after I had that experience, because they sort of embody archetypes, that’s the best way to describe what they showed me. And without my explaining what I’d learned from the cows, I listened as dad, the man who’d spent his childhood on a farm, explained that cows each have a personality, and they seem to play different roles, so to say. So I think this spinning has merit, although it truly does lack a language.
I have been able to straighten out the nerve impingement I had in my right wrist about three weeks ago using this technique. I just saw tangled energy, matted energy, and it did not matter the reason, the cause, the root, what mattered was cooperating with the energy.
There had been a time of being not cooperative, not yielding to energy, and it got stuck somehow. So I eased it, pulled it and toned it with sounds I made inside my head, and then the energy began to run clear and pure and straight and true, like my cat’s energy, and I knew I was healed. And I am healed. It hasn’t bothered me since.
My goal is to learn how to feel/sense/see this energy in everything, and to work with it cooperatively always. I know I am a gridkeeper, have always known that about myself. And now I am remembering our sacred science. Praise God.
I declare, from this mountaintop, the following.
To all parts of self that I think of as past, and to that multiplicity of selves I can be aware of as my present, I state, from this height, that there is no reason to vaguely hope. There is no reason to fret or hold anxiety or feel anything but warmth and humor toward self. There can now be this knowingness.
I declare to all parts of self who identify themselves as lost, in grief, in lack, in loss, in misery, in horror, in terror, in extremity, all parts of self who are suffering, who understand the depths of the depths, and who long to know knowing that is beyond the beyond, you do not have to hold anything within you but this knowledge: It is available.
You will achieve it in this lifetime. You will become a completely integrated, full, whole, multidimensional being capable of more miraculous feats than you can imagine, and we understand your uncanny agility of imagination. You will know only to nurture this imagination, this inner knowing that you have that you are indeed the only author of your reality.
This understanding will grow, growing and infecting and overtaking and fundamentally nourishing into new creation a brand new self. An ancient and old and sovereign self.
It was the whispers of this bigger, more expanded, multidimensional self who asserted itself at key times in my life. During nursing school, During the time of my first awakening, when I was working at St. Paul, in my twenties, fully switched on, fully aglow.
The coming out process and the amount of amazing light this let in, my willingness to be self forgiving, and to allow myself to be my only authority. I think this is a special rite that “gay” people have attuned themselves to perform for the planet.
We are like harbingers of light, coming into a deep understanding that the only one who is in authority of the most personal, most spiritual, most honest and raw and total expression of self within the space time web, is one’s self. And it has been our pleasure to play out for you, the majority (who, I number myself a card carrying member!) the rite of radical self trust.
I have watched my son do this. He insisted in fourth grade that everyone had to know he was gay. I cautioned him against it. I knew the shame. The lifetime of shame, that peculiar and horrible shame of self as bad, wrong, bent, malformed, at least in others’ eyes.
This is why I have always chosen to be quiet about relationship. It is no one’s business. And to me, the frequent dropping of your significant other into a conversation has, to me, seemed a cheapening of the most sacred of all expressions.
It is just no one’s business. I know it may seem weird, but to me a wedding ring is an almost obscenely overt symbol of something so intimate, so sacred, so holy, it could never conceive of being compared to anything else.
So, to me, full self disclosure just seems like an exercise in getting crapped on by lesser minds, tinier hearts, and I have just been unwilling to be anyone’s projection screen. Leave me alone, deal with your preconceptions without me, I am totally uninterested in helping anyone come to terms with so base of a hate.
To my son, I stated in tems he’d understand, that he has a lot of time, and he doesn’t have to tell anyone right now.
The next day, picking him up from school, his face suggested his excitement, as the words tumbled out about how he’d told everyone at school he was gay.
I was proud. I knew I would need to be a protective mama while he was in school, but that he had chosen a path of honor, of truth, and because it was his path, I would support him.
I honor my son. I allow him to shine through, and I remind him every single day of his unique honesty and bravery. He is a warrior, and he rarely acknowledges his strength. It is a peculiar and strong, unwieldy strength. It is fine, it needs to be modulated, and that is what he is learning to do with me. Modulating his pitch and cadence, clarifying his meaning, finding a way to have it all make sense and not hurt so bad.
Through the intervening years, my son has had times of needing to sit and weep because of all the bullying, the name calling, and being made to feel less than. He is transmuting lifetimes, and that’s what I tried to tell him last night.
He has not taken on a simple lifetime, but it is brilliantly elegant in its lyricism. He is a master, sent here to instruct, to honor, to show mercy and kindness and expansiveness toward.
And sometimes I find myself turning from his light, tired of this demand, this need, that objection, this imperative, and I weaken from the hours of fulfilling others needs, and then his, when do I get filled up, when is it my turn….
This is a temporary insanity. We are here to honor each other. This requires energetic cooperation, and clear, open communication. But it is quite a ride, quite a ride.
I realize this is probably one of the most rambling entries I have ever made, but I tell you, this energy is entirely expansive. There are places we can go in the physical that I never imagined I could access. I am surprised to realize that so much of this is so simple, it’s staggering. It is quite beautiful. A symphony of remembering. A symphony of harmony, integrating so clearly into a oneness that transcends the concept of love, of form, of meaning. It is here. It is available. In this moment.
I am calling to all parts of self from this moment of absolute perfection. Ascension is real. It will happen in our lifetime. We will never be the same. The pain will fade into an interesting geometric pattern with a color and scent we will remember with a strange fondness, part of an awareness that can still fascinate, but will never ever again consume. It cannot. It is illusion. It is just energy. It can be bent, reformed, retooled, reimagined, into ANYTHING. Anything at all. At any moment. It is done. And so it is.
Who but you can say so? You but you and you alone will once and for all, like I did yesterday morning, just slowly shake my head, and with all gravity and all earnestness, all the parts of myself as one pushed my foot hard into the pedal of my car. I hit the gas like the last scene of Thelma and Louise, and I decided to just ride that purge, that release, as far as I could.
I pushed all of me into that last event. There is no need to revisit the details (of course, to reach this state I was writing, on a new steno pad I’d just bought at Walmart). What matters is that there it was. A final surrender into something I could not understand and needed to ease into, an embrace of remembrance, of radical trust in my own intactness.
So I know this is a state which exists, and because it exists in the here and now, it can now be accessed by all parts of self at any “time.” Now we can all be painting with a more varied palette now. Simple.
It has been an interesting trip, and, in retrospect, I am grateful for that cellular need I have to write. I think it was a worthwhile chronicle. I think it can lead others to a place of remembering.
I know the content is rich, and some of it is heavy, and I never wish to have anything I’ve written leave anyone with anything but release, catharsis if this gift you feel me worthy of, and some sort of new perspective, just one more voice, one more set of possibilities, or at the very least, some very interesting stories.
It think this writing will continue, and continue to morph. I can sense that this is actually a place where some would say I channel. I think that’s just being willing to express your core, that’s all. I think we all have access to universal mind, and being clever on the page is just one expression of it.
I am expressing it in another way, for a whole set of other reasons when I go do a nursing shift.
That’s another story for another day.
I made myself laugh so hard yesterday. I realized that I am really “lucky,” pretty darn clever that I resonate with a “hobby” that is indeed marketable. I could just as well have decided that my one true soul passion was fresh fruit arrangement. I mean, that’s a valid pursuit, one that is sensual and spiritual and awesome and creative, and tasty, but not very marketable.
Or I could have totally resonated with juggling and being the circus. It could have gone a lot of ways. I find this very funny.
OK, I am done, I think that is enough. This is a different voice than I am used to, but it feels strangely familiarly more authentic. Does that make sense? It feels far more conversational and far less self-conscious. I like it.
I think this is the most amazing process I could have never imagined. It’s so unimaginably intensely beautiful.
I wish you this happiness, this wholeness, this integration. We are all coming home, into ourselves, and into community, into union with our highest good at all times. Everything flows from this. Everything comes from this understanding, we are here for our highest good, and this is our simple prayer in all things. From drinking this water to paying this bill to working this shift. For my highest good, and the highest good for all involved.
What higher calling can we have as a people? How else can it be that we all finally come home, into community, into unity, into brotherhood, into higher consciousness. Just that. It all is stunningly simple, is it not?
Coming home. A long arduous singular and intense journey. Crippling, it felt, at times. And now I am at the doorstep. I am wiping my dirty shoes on the green grass of home, remembering again that I made the whole thing up, just to get it real good, just to come this far. To have gone so far away, and made it back here, like a homing pigeon with no other purpose, though many journeys lie between the last time I knew this grass and now.
And I never thought that I would be worthy of entering this holy place, as dirty as I have allowed myself to become.
But I see now that each situation was experience only, just that, nothing to hide anymore, nothing to feel any need to explain or defend, I am that I am that I am, I am eternal, I am one simple and exquisite expression of All That Is, a sliver of awareness, floating on this blue planet, connected organically, electromagnetically to agreement fields which no longer serve, and those that go beyond the beyond.
Everything is possible now.
And more than that, it is certain. It is energetic fact, not a probability. We move from probability regulation and a sense of control, and come from a place of knowing. It transcends the yin yang, it sanctifies the polarized, and unifies in a way which moves through union, beyond simple union, coming to a place of creation, of thought, deep and steady and pure and clear knowing.
This is a good place to be. I am attaining it now, however briefly, and yet my physical body is clumsily typing typing, listening to Collective Soul, moving at lightning speed, processing, processing, permitting, allowing, obeying, obeying, in union, obeying. It is a beautiful union, a simple symphony. And this state is now available to all, at all times.
This is as simple energetic fact. It is physics. It’s math. It’s geometry. It is the only truth.
Best wishes to you on your journeys into this wonderful space, where it all begins and where it all ends, where all the meanings are revealed, loved, forgiven, understood, integrated, and the pain is just not applicable anymore. Certain things are just no longer applicable.
They continue to be mighty pursuits for others, but they are just not applicable anymore. Impatience. Doubt. Loss. Grief. Sorrow. Bittersweetness.
These are just vibrations which move slowly, are cumbersome, and, although instructive, have served their purpose. There is more fluid, easy energy to work with now, much less cumbersome and dark. And so, I guess I just want to say that I know that this is not for everyone. I know that there few, quite a lot, really, of us pre-programmed, so to speak, to awaken first, to discover this ancient knowledge again, and then we can hold this space for others.
But there are those of us who hear these distant, gigantic waves coming closer and closer, and all of us, can’t you hear it, we are all murmuring to one another, all of us, in our hearts, sending out the signal, it’s getting close. Batten the hatches! Never fear! Do not give up! Everything is right on schedule! Hang in there! Relax!
That’s a very nice way to end this. That is the nicest welcome home I could get. Let’s crack open the blankets and ready the hot chocolate, light a fire and tell each other stories, vibrant and fanciful tales of our adventures within polarity, within duality, and the harrowing and valiant awakenings we achieved. Oh what fun we will have, the pow wows, sitting around the fire, telling each other tales, instructive, beautiful tales of archetypes and bygone dreams.
I am now of the mind that these comic harmonic, energetic milestones or doorways or portals we are going through will indeed propel some of us much higher in frequency while in the physical than we thought was possible. I do believe now that there is some sort of transfigurative energetic quality to it all. it’s quite fascinating to realize that it’s really scientific and mathematical.
I celebrate the space we created together through this, and welcome you into this wonderful energy, as you welcome me. Thank you for celebrating it with me. It is always an honor to do so.