I want to tell you a story about a lifetime lived in the middle ages. There was a boy who was terribly abused and neglected by his parents. He knew nothing but bitterness and hatred. He was surrounded by unhappy, mean and cruel people.
He found the church, and found that he responded well to the structure and the dogma which contained the people within the faith. He learned, grew, and took on more and more responsibility, more and more power, in his church.
Late in his career, the priest took on yet another novitiate. The priest chose this novitiate to work out some of his pain. The priest felt there were demons everywhere, and did not understand that the demons were projections of his own pain. He took an interest in this novitiate, but soon enough, found that mentally torturing this novitiate was far more satisfying than teaching, explaining or giving anything to him.
The priest drove the novitiate mad. Messed with his reality to the point of madness. The novitiate became so tortured, so insane, that he killed himself.
After that, the priest felt pride. He understood that things changed with his flock after that. He no longer had anyone’s respect. But he had their fear. He had their disgust. He had their obedience. And it was WONDERFUL.
The power, the sheer power he had in that life was truly intoxicating. It is a physical sensation, that power over others coursing through a person.
That priest was me. I touched that life about a month ago in regression session. When the healing is supposed to happen, when both players are brought into the light and healing is to occur, there was no healing. There was the smug, happy, twisted freak of a priest, and there was someone dear to me, shaking her head and saying wtf-you-freak..
I was not given resolution on that lifetime until today.
I realized today that this lifetime is the one I spent untangling that lifetime. Just like the Fibonacci series, my problems with authority, with work, with questions about whose reality is real, with religion, with Truth, with personal power and with victimization, these got progressively bad as I aged.
I would go into a new system, and within a year, sometimes within weeks, I would for no good reason, get singled out, tortured, screwed with, made to feel like I was defective, that I did not fit in, on and on and on it went. I would tell my sister of my work woes, and she would just shake her head and tell me that I was making it all up. It wasn’t a problem. I was creating problems, and I should just get with the program.
My whole life was set up to test reality, sanity, and identity and, ultimately, worth. The details need not be shared here. Please know, though, that each word is a word of truth, not fiction, not hyperbole, and not delusion.
I set this lifetime up to, in part, to play the role of the novitiate? Saddled with stars-in-her-eyes information and knowing about our real identities, our real work, set up to be misunderstood, labeled a heretic, and if I had not had many good people here to remind me of the truth, I could have easily lost my footing in this reality.
I can remember when I was a “tween” there was a documentary on the TV about mental illness in America.Halfway through, I excused myself, went to my room and hid, because I was convinced that my aunt and mom were going to put things together after watching that show, and they would come for me, to tell me I was mentally ill. I feared for a long time that bad things like that would happen. I never had any kind of details, just sheer terror.
I have carried that terror with me until this very morning.
Talk about an imprint.
You see, I understood earlier in the morning that this lifetime has been all about repaying karma, setting things right, releasing everyone into wholeness, including myself.
So when I had this vision, and finally understood that I have indeed paid back my karma with all these players, and that I am released from my karma, it’s like the skies opened up.
What happened next was a miracle, and I need to tell you about it.
I settled back and felt an exceedingly white light approaching me. It was part of me, but it was visible outside of me. I focused on it, and this purity, this great love, came over me. I was held in my family’s love. I felt home. I was home. For the first time in my life I realized I am home, and that I have never been apart from my help, my family.
I wept, because I knew in my heart that I have been changed by doing these lives. Being here has changed me, altered me, and I want to my soul family so sad, but I was moved to weeping, knowing, oh so convince that I have changed too much for them to love me anymore. We are separated now, because of this work I chose, and that this separation will be forever now. The pain has been too deep, the lessons far too rich, for me to be able to return to them and be loved. My heart was broken, I told them I don’t want even one molecule of separation between them and I, and these experiences have changed me.
I sat there and wept, and I was loved.
They told me that no, I had that bit wrong. They love me for having done what I have done, for living here and waking up here, and feeling everything so intensely. What I have done has been a gift to them, and they have been deepened and awed by it.
They explained to me that having these lives was a gift of love that I have given them, a gift of sacrifice and great focus. They have grown in ways they did not think they could. I am loved. I am loved. There is no separation.
After I was calmed, and I could feel the circle of light they had become, soothing and counseling me, in that relaxed state they explained that my service was not just to myself, not just to them, but I am supported and loved beyond measure by them. Far from being an insect, a dolt, all the horrible things I had come to think of myself, as human, they told me that I was their leader. They were here to support me. I took this on because I like the work, and I am the best at it, among them.
I am in a place of honor now. How is that possible? Up came a final argument. I have dirty feet. I have broken and been broken by other peoples’ spirits.
And all those arguments were just loved right into wholeness. There is no separation.
And then we made some adjustments to my play.
I am done with these koans, with these lessons, with my karma. Now I am free to create as I see fit. I understand that littlemind may decide to get bossy and tell God how the next bit goes, so from biggermind, I let them know that I want ease. I want peace. I want connection. I want fearlessness, and I want a reality where fearlessness is not applicable. I want ease. I want peace. I want plenty. I want to drop love bombs all over the place. I want enough money to be released from much of the drudgery which taught me these lessons. The drudgery is no longer necessary. Scarcity is no longer necessary. Trouble, that is no longer necessary.
I made a list of things that I think would be pleasant. I listed how support would look to me. I trust them to manifest as they see fit, in accordance with the bigger plan. But I know I am now released from the bulk of my karma. I feel freer, lighter, than I ever have in my life. Unworried. What is there to worry about.?
So, I understand now that this quickening, these amazing “energies” which are bombarding us are simply accelerating our lessons here. Of course there will be further disturbances in the field for those unwilling or unskilled in this work. Of course there will be cosmic 2×4’s sailing through the air now. Everyone is being invited to get their collective and individual shit together. Simple. So expect cosmic 2×4’s. But if you have done your work, realize the 2×4 might not even be yours. Duck.
Here is a thought.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
I think this is actually a highly compact clue to karmic resolution, and how to live karma free.
Let’s, for a moment, agree to see physical reality as a series of thought forms or mental constructs. Imagine that my construct this lifetime around my sister is “My sister is better than I am. I will never measure up to her.”
If my sister decides to engage with me inside this construct, we will create karma. We will work on issues of worth, and we will create big sloppy messes to teach each other that neither is better than the other, that all contrasts and comparisons and competitions are false and therefore lead to suffering.
My sister may decide, however, to deal with me from a different perspective. She could treat me as she would like to be treated, not as I am asking her to treat me. She then deflects this karma that I am inviting her to take on for me.
Treating others as we would like to be treated… I think that means treating others in such a way as to not engage in their karma.
Younger souls’ raison d’etre is to incur karma. If I do not engage, if I do not allow the karma to stick, but instead use those opportunities for loving someone into wholeness in my head, or doing something nice for them, or simply holding my tongue in a moment of pique, then the karmic wheel is broken, the lessons are learned more quickly, divinity, grace is mastered, and we part as friends.
This is what I think is going on. I think we are finishing up karma. I do think a lot of younger souls are painting with very broad brushes right now, and the contrasts between dark and light are so intense because people instinctively know that time is running out to sew up their karma.
I saw that I have also been painting with a broad brush… lots of reds and blacks and violent colors. And I got the mental picture of a tiny, fine brush, and a canvas of a pastel landscape. I have put down my broad brush. I want to paint in fine, delicate, beautiful colors and shapes.
So, now, with karma dispersed, I get to explore what else there is. The biggest bug-a-boos in my life are forgiven, released, and I have no interest in creating any more karma with anyone. Just love. Just peace. Just joy.
God has increased the vibration we are all swimming in, and we can literally move from one soul age to another in this very lifetime if we are willing. In an early morning meditation, I was able to complete two lifetimes worth of karma, of distortion and torture and misuse of power, and I got answers to who I am, where I have been, and why I am here.
I am not far from my family now, and it is nice to be home in this body. I fear nothing, because there is nothing to fear. I love all, because that is the way. I feel hope, I feel clear, I feel on purpose, and I feel happy.
When I was that priest, my soul was in its infancy, in its youth. I believed with all of my heart that I had to punish and extinguish the ugly parts of me. I played out torture, purification and unification with others. That was the way back then. It was ugly, and it was mean, but it is what infant and baby and young souls do all the time, what they are doing now, in fact.
I learned from that lifetime how intoxicating power over others is, and how it is both a symptom and generator of not being right with God, and with oneself.
I learned about the joy of torture, the freedom inherent in not giving a damn about anyone else. It is with me still. And I brought with me, into this lifetime, an almost allergic reaction to expressing my opinion and differing from the norm. I know instead the exquisite pain that comes with feeling completely disempowered from and by self and others.
This is why I have been as hesitant as I have been in regard to spiritual matters, and why I could NEVER put myself out there as a channeler, a teacher, a guide. That is a wrong path for me. If people like what I have to say, they can follow it, learn from it. I may find that what I have to say rings true for a lot of people, and I will be invited to discuss these things, and write more. Maybe. Maybe so. I would like that.
But everyone is in charge of their own shit. I will be taking on no more karma, and will not place myself in a role of guru or leader or any of that garbage. That is not my karma. I can’t.
Remember Albus Dumbledore, and his inability to meld the three hallows? He knew he could not, would not, take on that much power. He knew it was not his path. Neither is it mine. Everybody gets to do their own healing. I can show you the door, you have to walk through it. I can explain what was on the other side of my door, but what greets you WILL be completely different in texture tone and color.
What is the same, whether it is a little nurse from Denver reliving her lifetime as a cruel mentor, or whether it is a disabled child in Australia learning the lesson of humility, or an arrogant socialite learning lessons in ego-driven pursuits, what holds all of this together is the invitation to learn more about forgiveness, about how absolutely beautiful we are, what incredible sentinels of light we are for the divine, who is just expanding and expanding and expanding.
We are in the midst of God breathing a gust of cosmic love into and through us. Creator is amplifying everything to just have more fun. I think our sector of the universe is created by a bit of a trickster, someone/something with more humor and joy and love than we can possibly imagine. Creator just turned up the volume and now we are all running around hollering, “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”, dodging cosmic 2×4’s and cleaning up our messes. How fun is that?
God is a delicious tease, and it has been fun serving in this endeavor. I hope this letter to you is one that finds you well and happy and not taking any of it too seriously, while feeling the meaning of it all in such a profound way that you are forever deepened, forever altered, forever grateful for the chance to experience such concentrated lessons in such a wide variety of topics.
We are loved beyond measure, because we are worthy of great love. We are from and of the Creator, The All, and for me anyway, this is one hell of a ride.
Yours in love and peace.