Yesterday, as many of you know, I lost my way and, in desperation and in hope, I called out for help. I wrote an entry called HELP: LIGHTWORKER GONE DARK. The response was overwhelming.
I am in the debt of those who went out of their way to write me words of encouragement, and to those who held me in their thoughts. My words of pain did not lead to humiliation or lectures or silence. People, my people, cared and showed it. You guys helped heal me.
Here is the truth to what happened to me. I worked a shift expressly to have the money for paying off a traffic ticket due September 23. After work I found some shad behind a building, parked my car and read my emails, clearing my head before having to pick up and take of my son. A very odd officer felt what I was doing was, in his words, “weird.” He demanded my home address. My son’s address. My purpose. Even though we started the conversation with establishing what I was doing was indeed legal, the harassment continued.
Eventually the officers let me go, then followed me, then pulled me over, ran my license and said my outstanding traffic ticket was actually in the warrant phase. They handcuffed me. They searched my car. They called me names. They were evil to me. They truly were evil, because they saw evil where none existed.
I spent 8 hours in a jail crying. I was released after my friend paid a $350.00 fee. However, I was stranded 20 miles from my child’s home with no money, no car, and had been awake, at that point, for 48 hours.
Now, this experience sounds awful, and indeed it was. It was rough. I wept int hat cell for our species. How far we have fallen, when a little 51 year old nurse asks the jail keeper for Kleenex and is told to , “shut up and stop making trouble.” How far have we fallen when a debt can result in incarceration.
It was all too much. It heightened my hatred of this world. I have NEVER wanted to be here, ALWAYS wanted to go home, and have felt a deep sense of not being able to do this right… wishing I’d come with an instruction manual, because this world is so confounding, so opposite what it should be.
I have come to love the part of me which is a foreigner. It is my best part. And I was doing really well. Then this experience. It made me feel the following were true:
– I am not competent to run my life.
– I am manifesting too quickly and too well. I thought I was good at this (See above!)
– This dark energy will win. They have all the guns, rage, and authority. The mutants hold the keys to the jail cells.
There are much greater truths than these, and I finally allowed them to settle within me, so that I can claim them as my own, after I received proof that my previous suppositions are indeed invalid.
These truths have to do with love, forgiveness and mercy.
I walked out of that jail, stranded, penniless, a beggar. I walked into the arms of Angels. Strangers all, each of us carrying suffering from a system which is unforgiving and inhumane, approached each other and gave encouragement and love to each other. People bummed me smokes, and two ladies visiting their family member insisted on driving me to my son’s house (my kids was alone and is 12!), but they insisted on buying me a meal first.
My friends astounded me. There was no judgment. There were no lectures. My family were conspicuously absent. I have come to realize that my family of origin was there for many purposes, but their influence on my life is now at its end. People I must hide from, fearing their shame and ridicule, are not family and they are not friends. They are people to bless and release.
Looking back on the experience, I have a much different perspective, thanks in large part to all the love my family, my community, my fellow lightworkers expressed. I was suffering, and you soothed my suffering. you did not compound it. You did not make me suffer for feeling suffering. You loved me.
Here is what I know to be true today:
– I have approached my life truly believing in my own incompetence as a human. I have seen myself as a child in this life. The powerlessness I knew coming into this life became a pattern for me, one that I carried through adulthood. There are many reasons for this, but it is a falsehood.
– My rebelliousness has kept me alive, but it can get me in trouble from time to time.
– I am not like the people to administer this “justice” system. I am built differently than many people. I am different, and that is ok. I do not want to be caught in that life. Their walk is a sad one.
– I have a life to be proud of. I have made choices which have kept me small, kept me weak, kept me in a position of child.
This was such a multi-layered event. It influenced how I view myself in this world, my deepest relationships and my financial situation.
And so, yesterday I confronted the fears, the belief that I cannot do this life, that I am incompetent. I confronted the wolves outside my door, and had some red meat in my hand. I am not going to view this life as the problem anymore.
Some may never understand the intense isolation I have known as a human. They will think I am an elitist when I say that I don’t belong here. They will react with contempt when I state that I reject their version of reality. And so be it.
But I am not OF this world. I am in it, and I am smart enough and whole enough to play the games that are apparently necessary. But I don’t have to subscribe to the belief that this is all there is, nor must I conform to the notion that their morality is my morality.
The officer who was just on fire with contempt, a man so full of hate it chills me even now to know he is out there somewhere with a gun and a belief that he is on the right side of things, that man appeared to me to be completely lost. And the part that in functioning in the crazy world is indeed lost.
But driving to the jail in silence, I focused every ounce of energy on him. I realized he may very well be a friend, come to right me on a path that no longer was going in a direction my soul needed. I am a rebellious, hard-headed person. Always have been. Cosmic 2×4’s help still. I would like to say that is not the case. And most of the time it is not. It freaked me out when one came winging my way again. But a part of me must have known that drastic actions were required.
So, this left me feeling raw, sacred, uncertain how to proceed, and utterly convinced in my inability to keep myself safe, intact, whole.
These were illusions.
I needed a course correction. I received it. It hurt like hell. It’s over.
I look back on my life before January, before I finally woke up for that last time, and stayed awake. I hurt just as bad, maybe even worse, but I had no one to talk to. No one to discuss the greater meaning of events, no one to listen to my questions, no one to answer them.
I am deeply grateful for your love. You remind me now, in my heart, always, that I am no longer alone in the physical. I always knew I was never alone in the spirit, but the isolation I have known in this life crushed a lot of my hope, and to some extent, my belief in my own competence. The isolation was always because I had no one around me who thought as I did. That is then. This is now.
So I give deep and joyous thanks for you. I have been able to clear out lifetimes of pain with this event. And your love helped more than you will ever, ever know.
My love is given to you freely and with deep reverence. We are a community of saints making our way in a world filled with saints who refuse to believe they are anything but mortal. God bless them. God bless us. And God bless our work, making the us and the them into the we, forgiving others their weaknesses as we forgive our own, loving the parts of ourselves which still ache for tenderness, always mindful of the greater love we are creating for the Earth and for the Universe.
Life is just too mysterious sometimes. but even in the darkest moments, sitting in a jail cell chanting Om Namah Shivaya, wiping tears and snot off my face with my shirt, I am held in a liquid light of such incredible love and mercy. Loved so totally, protected so thoroughly, supported so invisibly, feeling so intensely.