I just woke up after nearly 10 hours of sleep, and such a long sleep has occurred maybe two times in six months.
So that’s almost miracle enough.
But couple that with the messages I got during my brief wake-ups (“uninterrupted” now means a sleep with breaks lasting no more than 30 minutes at a time… I had 3 of those…) and the BLAST I received once fully conscious, and the whole thing deserves at least an honorable mention.
I realize this morning that I have spent 51 years hating and making mean comparisons between my Self and Everybody Else.
I don’t need to do that anymore.
And that’s not because I believe some cock and bull story of being a swan among ducks or a prince among paupers… I mean that I have never had a firm foundation in either identity or in reality, constantly and utterly judging myself with every passing moment.
Do you know what a relief it is to wake up UNBURDENED by SELF HATE?
And please, don’t get me wrong, I am not a bad person, no one who would deserve any rancor or bitterness; if I presented myself formally to anyone, they’d think I was a pretty decent person.
But I didn’t.
And I really didn’t get that until this morning.
And I only understand it now because I did some work last night and I have been healed.
It’s like I keep looking for this big, menacing bully who has shadowed me throughout my life, and this morning, I got word in my dreams that he’d be gone, and this morning, looking all around the house, and looking deep within, the bully is GONE.
See, last night I was in a bit of an existential panic, thinking that big things were about to happen soon, but I have to work this weekend, and I was worried if I’d be able to handle the energies while on a work schedule. The bigger part of myself told me to stop worrying and go to sleep. The little part of me fretted and thrilled and emoted.
I feel like we are all not needing to do a ton, that these gifts are being GIVEN to us. And this is the most amazing thing of all, I think. How much have I longed for magic and mystery in my life?
For the call of the strange, and the permission of the spheres to know and be and feel anything, this freedom, the freedom to know the silent lives of crystals, to know the deep and passionate history of the Earth, the really know where I came from and why…
This freedom, this unknowable, untameable desire to know all, to be all, to love all, to feel all, well, it looks to me like this mystery/magic longing I have had implanted within me, it is about to be satisfied.
So I will go about my business. My angels want it so. And I will do my bit to ease others’ pain the next two nights. I will work hard to be the best nurse I can be.
But from here on out, no comparisons.