Below this essay is a recording from Lee Carroll/Kryon called “Recalibration Completion,” which I found entirely helpful this morning, as I listened to it and did my kitchen chores.
DEEPLY AWAKE: “Moving Forward In Trust” By Kathy Vik 7-29-16
I feel it appropriate to write at this time, simply because the thoughts that are coming to me require an organization that can only truly be had, for me, on the page.
My mornings have become even more cherished. I wake up each day with a very clear perspective, and thoughts which are so good, so whole and intact and helpful, that I have finally come to the practice of writing them down. It’s hard to read my handwriting, but I revisit my notes, and find that they lend me an inner integrity, a reorientation that I like.
All of this new age-y stuff requires, in the end, does it not, a high degree of self trust? I mean, in the end, isn’t that the difference between the inspired and the absurd, the divine and the delusional? Just what is it that I call true north, can it be trusted, and has it, is it, or will it lead me to things that are harmful?
In the end, is this not the central question?
Today the thinking was very sweet, gentle, and forgiving, as always. The idea was simply that problem solving is not very effective because it is focusing on the problem. Rather, the idea is about flow.
The first thought group I had was actually very innate, meaning, I had physical sensations, my whole body, my face, getting into the act. I realized, all sleepy and half awake, just coming to, that it felt best, and I have the most happy days when I feel gratitude for what I have. But then, it sweetened further, or maybe it deepened.
I slid under covers, pulled myself into a ball, smiling, realizing that it’s actually not so much about the gratitude, but there is something more, something better, and I felt around for it, and then I came to it. The word is appreciation.
I stretched out and brought it in, that feeling of being appreciative, of everything in this now, right here, now, and then, oh how it stretches out, really in both temporal directions, future, past, and then it just sort of radiates.
I realized, it’s got to do with being aware of how very blessed I am, how much I have and know and am and do, to be aware of all the things in my life I love, and to love them back, when I am feeling this appreciation and gratitude, and from there, it must come back home, to the center, to the core, to this person I have been, am and will be, the one who has been observing and directing it the whole time.
Most of the time I was convinced that, at most, I was simply expected to react to it all. But the truth is, somehow I’d gotten convinced, crazily, that I was reacting to it incorrectly or inappropriately or wrong. I had folks more than willing to tell me so, and that helped my distress hit the critical mass I needed to reject the whole thing outright.
But with gratitude there this morning, came home I did, and just felt so much appreciation and approval and acceptance and happiness for my life, and then I remembered, or allowed access to a different understanding. This idea of flow. I had it when I first woke up. I got out my notebook and began to write.
Here are my notes:
“It’s really, really not about CHANGING that which is problematic. It’s more about the removal of that which impedes flow. The removal of that which impedes natural flow or the addition of something that would ENHANCE flow. But this notion that problematic situations must be fixed, healed, no, it’s more about just removing them or adding to the whole.
This is why problems or focusing on what’s wrong is not helpful but perpetrates the problem. Its focusing on the obstruction to flow rather than on flow itself.
It makes flow the star, not problems. It makes harmony the star, not problems.”
Given all of that, I did my first thing of the day, and in my car I was thinking about the political stuff we just witnessed. I have been thinking it all morning, that there is at least a settling in now, knowing that yes, as a country, we are still very gullible and easily pushed around. Well, ok then. At least there was no assassination this time, and common sense got farther this time than in times past. But it is still business as usual in America.
It’s mass manipulation, fear mongering, blatant disregard for human dignity and self governance, and it’s a corprotocracy. Ok, at least that part is done and now I know what we’ll be dealing with, give or take wild cards, for the next few years. I’m not ruling anything out, at this point, but I guess what I came to was the realization that my fellow Americans are not all that bright, that we as a nation are not yet sophisticated enough to see what is being done to us, so, ok, at least that part is over.
And then, at home again, I realize, the thing is, I know a ton of people who would feel mildly attacked by those words, by that thinking. It upsets and it offends them.
And that’s just fine with me.
At this point, I stand for certain things that some folks fear, many ignore and some are drawn to. The metaphysical aspect of all of this, the channeled stuff, my ability to slice through realities, my take on things, but more, how all of this, even the politics, for me, all of it is an extension of spirituality, of ascension, of this movement that is happening within our DNA, that’s what has always set me apart, just naturally, and it is this that I love most, and it is this that people now feel more and more attracted to.
It is this component, or being-ness that made me feel so alienated in this world, it is what still separates me from many, and yet, more and more, it is this that I find others are drawn to me to access, and it is this that gives me fuel, and hope, and a smile, and peace.
This thing that has made me different, my sensitivity, my unwillingness, at times, to let something go, my queer moral code which I value more than human beings, and put before any decision I make, this all goes into making me me.
And it’s not normal, per se, and it is stunning in its complexity, its depth, its validity and its truth.
Some can’t see it, and that’s fine. Some can’t see many things. That’s not my problem, and it’s not anything I need to worry about or even address. It’s not time to explain, and I have no interest in defending myself. I have no interest in arguing, or those who require me to defend myself. It is aggressive, as passively as it is sometimes done.
Maybe it was necessary, to have this time, to have some of this play out on the media and the national news, but it seemed, about three weeks ago, the world sort of crashed into this idyllic island I’d fashioned, and I simply could not get away from the collective pain, the violence, the craziness, the incessant fucking arguing, and it all culminated with these conventions.
I think it’s daft to imagine it’s not all connected, and I think, too, that being a Facebook fan, my awarenesses can be played upon to a certain extent. I’d thought myself free of the TV beast, using Facebook as a source of many streams of information. But even there I couldn’t shake that darkness.
Maybe it has receded for a time. And maybe I need to now look at my use of Facebook. I have been thinking that for some time, actually. I have enjoyed finger painting with it, I love posting things, I enjoy the unfettered expression and use it as an art form, but perhaps it is time to explore other art forms. I don’t like where my consciousness went, but maybe I just have to be ok with a little bit of current events, as distressing as they are.
I will forever be unconvinced of the wisdom of disconnecting from the mass consciousness. It seems, to me it’s what a monk or nun does, and I made a vow to stay out of those quiet, peaceful, contemplative, secluded places this time around.
I can’t do this lifetime from a mountaintop. I would have preferred it, but, no, this one is to be lived in the shit, a pure soul, covered in shit, laughing out loud.
That, my friend, is quite the powerful image.
Anyhow, I was counseling a friend this morning, disagreeing with her vehemently, and told her, in part, how I feel about making my life better, by how I choose my associates.
I think that this life is about finding the others. I think it’s about finding people who you admire, those who you enjoy listening to, those who fill you with inner passion or with hope. Those that carry new information, or see things in a brand new way from me.
As we rounded the final few neighborhood blocks heading to my house, I told her, there are lots and lots of people who love arguing best, who need conflict, who cling to their suffering, and they are the ones, I told my friend, who, if you try to help them by telling them what you think, or actually doing what they ask you to do to ease them, they bite. They are hell-bent on feeling their pain. I can tell you that, as a human being, and as a veteran nurse. It is how most humans are. So, I let them have at it..
I love that oddly sensual realization that happens with some, that we are the same in so many respects, that it’s just boggling, but even there, it is in the differences that the magic is. She was talking about the company she kept, and I told her what I have come to know. Did the same thing last night with another friend.
In this life, I walk alone, sure, we all do, I guess, so it matters, the company I keep, and it matters the thoughts I have. It matters how I think on myself and how I behave, even when I am all alone. This single truth has been the core of a lot of suffering for me. I know how tenuous life is, how valuable it is, how truly rare solid connections are, and how precious connection is.
I shrug. Some don’t and they are stunningly beautiful. And now, I see, there are so many people around me, and many of them have enough resonance that I no longer feel alone, like I used to. I know that for now I do walk alone, so it matters just how I carry myself, moment to moment, but I also know, now, that I am among friends, from here on out.
My friend is young, and she is willing to listen to me, and she told me she heard and liked everything I had to say. I don’t know if she’ll find any of it all that useful, but I think that for me, being in love and appreciation and honor of my self is the foundation, and being around those who have even a smattering of this, that’s the key to my having a happier life.
It comes down to self trust, I think. In the end, how could it be any other way? I trust where my mind and heart and body have taken me, and what I know now, having spent a lifetime being obedient to this guide in me.
I am more and more grateful for the voices in my head, the guidance I have, and the funny thing is, now, I really do sense that more and more, it is this inner refinement which is truly why I came in the first place. It’s what draws others to me, it is my best feature, and it trumps any of the karmic shit I may be called to do.
I will continue being me, and loving that. I will continue to be entirely moved and grateful for good company. Loving self and loving The Other, I think it is the way home.
The proof is in the pudding, they say, and for so long I really did think that this pudding stuff was the job, the bank account, the acclaim, the love. It isn’t. Not to me. Not anymore. The proof, the pudding, it is me. Who I am. What I am. What I know. What I stand for. How I live. How I love. That I love. This is what matters.
That these things are closely tied to teachings which are esoteric, advanced, spiritual, psychological, sociopolitical, medical, well, so much the better. I have a lot to say, I am good at saying it, and it is becoming clearer and clearer to me that this really is our time, as group and individually, it is our time now.
I feel moved to do a video, and I will, I am sure, but I am glad I sat down and made myself say a few words. It was time.
As referenced, the Lee Carroll/Kryon recording called “Recalibration Completion.” Enjoy…