DEEPLY AWAKE UPDATE By Kathy Vik
“Home Is Here” 3-16-16
I want to explain something that has been occurring for me for nearly a year now.
I went out of my way, in my profound isolation, to make friends with a very beautiful, kind and super-shiny friend about a year ago. As I got to know her, and she realized I was not going to judge her, and that I saw in her something I very much wanted, we became friends. And she introduced me to happiness.
I have, this last year, made entree into a new world, one that is familiar, one I called to me and had flashes of while driving, when waking up, as I day dreamed, disconnected as I was, in 2012 and 2013.
I was her grateful student.
And then, something shifted, and the wind brought a faint smell of a fire, off in the distance, and it got stronger and stronger as the months passed. I write to you today a phoenix, joyfully transcending this collective conflagration.
In September, she and I decided that I needed to change my focus. I needed to detach from the idea of being part of a couple, partnering, blah blah blah, and just date. Just have fun. Just say yes.
We decided, in her car, during a massive thunderstorm, that I wouldn’t let myself seriously consider myself anything but an explorer, and after three months of it, I could decide what happens next. We gleefully shook on it. On New Years, I’d know more, but until then, I was charged with playing.
And I did.
On New Year’s many things happened that were mysterious and beautiful, and as I wandered the dance floor, contemplating, I decided a few things for myself, for the coming year.
I decided that my resolution had to be honesty. Going for what sounds good. Not holding myself back anymore. And I realized that to do that, I would have to get real, real, real comfortable with rejection. As I twirled, and shimmied, I figured out that I couldn’t be comfortable with rejection unless I got used to it. How do I get used to it? BY ASKING FOR WHAT I WANT, and being really super ok with not getting it.
I puzzled on that as I danced, but it was too hard to figure out, so I gave it up and just had fun. My friends arrived, and it was out of my head. The next morning, however, the only thing that I was aware of is how damned important it is to be emotionally honest, to speak from alignment, to be in accord with my life.
Three months have passed and I have just had an “aha” moment, and that is why I bring any of this up.
I have many more people in my life now than I did previously. Something peculiar is happening in my life, and the influx of eccentricity and synchronicity and that pure hit of HOME is something I am adjusting to.
I admitted last night to another human being just why it’s been so hard for me to connect, to reach out. And it is a simple thing. It has to do with feeling accepted.
And so, I will tell you, she helped me with one sentence, helped to dispel years, literally years, of guilt. I told her about what it was like to work in institutions, and doing what I devoted my life to, how I saw myself and others during that time, and how uncomfortable I was, how happy I am now, and this contrast, it is so stark now, so obvious where I need to go and how I desire to express.
She, in her wisdom, which is vast, smiled, tugged on a smoke and said, “Well, that just wasn’t your taste.”
All the lights went on. At once. It was so fucking bright in my living room.
I tried, I really, really have tried, to be conventional, to be regimented, to imagine somehow that the RN that trailed my name for thirty years somehow made ME responsible for YOUR illness and experience. Holy shit, holy mother of God. When I chanced on it, it became so very clear WHY, just exactly why, the work did not suit my taste.
And truly, as I mature, and allow my natural tendencies expression, I find that eating, doing, seeing, kissing, working, all these things, if I do what I truly want, what is my preference and in accord with my taste, with my natural make up, this makes me stronger, healthier, happier and not as afraid of rejection.
On Saturday night, I had a singular experience understanding, moment to moment, just how valuable, beautiful, fun and loved I am by people I value, and find beautiful, fun and loving. I had never experienced such a thing, to such an extent. And I know that most of it was because as I wandered and smiled and hugged and talked and danced and risked, I was in full appreciation of my own self. I caught myself thinking kind and good things about my life and about others. All night.
And that has not left me. This sense of solidity, of self acceptance, it is a matrix now from which I function.
This is perhaps an odd way to describe these changes, these energetic upgrades, but, so be it. Two mornings ago, with my first steps toward the coffee pot, I understood fundamentally that everything, every single aspect of my life is now vastly improved from where it was. When I told my friend of this, my son, who was in the room concurred, calling our old apartment, rightfully so, a “shithole,” and then, I thought back, once again, on the areas in my life that are improved. Physically, fundamentally, simply BETTER than they were.
It takes me back to the weird thing that happened to me May of 2012, after I’d been visited by my team, after all the lights and machines in the casino were cut, and before my own NDE’s. My team explained, when there has been an energetic shift, a vast hit of light, then, there MUST be a physical reset. They told me to expect my reality to reset, and with it, to expect my electronics to fail, and, one by one they did. My car. My phones. They all blinked out, and then they were either replaced or they recovered.
I think on that teaching now, and see how this has been translated into my daily reality. It is soothing and makes me so happy to be able to see the pattern, the progression, the arc.
They have been buzzing me all morning, and I have done my own personal channeling for today, so I would very much like them to come through now and do their thing. I will post these separately since this is long and it is personal. So, after ending, I will let them come through and do what they do. It is time.
I just want to end by telling you that the things that were not my taste were futility, being held responsible for another’s experience, legally, morally, ethically responsible for someone else’s physical creation, their pain, their experience. To feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, to love those who think themselves unlovable, to soothe the inconsolable, to understand the ones who’d consciously checked out, these were my directives. And I did it, with tenacity, with devotion, and with respect.
I am comfortable in places high and low. I know misery well. I know incompletion, and I have walked among the broken all my life.
And now, I move forward, into a sea of friendly faces who cannot consider holding me responsible for anything other than my own experience, and I am at peace. I am home in this skin, on this day, in these circumstances.