DEEPLY AWAKE COFFEE TALKS By Kathy Vik
It’s been a week. Seven days ago at this time, it was steady as she goes, keep on trucking. Reluctantly. Unwillingly, really. But, steady.
Last night I was with friends who remind me that I can go farther, do more, help more than I give myself credit for. The only admonition I heard this morning, thinking on our amazing night was, go farther. You can go farther now.
Two years ago when I was here, what I was most aware of was the level of kind deference I received, the respect and love was just thick, that whole time. But, what I became aware of and stayed aware of, gathering with that flock of mighty, shamanic, powerful women, was that I already pretty much knew the stuff they were talking about. My guidance, my voices, were all over me, and I understood, during those four days, organically, cellularly, that I was among peers.
Last night, I realized that I have lagged behind, and my progress has been effected by what I have chosen to busy myself with lately. I took some time out to figure out human relations, basically, and, I feel it has set me back a bit, just, as a being.
I explained it last night… there were areas of growth that were stunning, verdant, rich, and then, areas where only scrub brush has grown, and it is in the scrub I have been weeding and watering, these last two years. I leave this patch a master gardener, with a plot of land that is set to deliver the juiciest of fruits for the rest of my life, but, it took time away from the purpose for my being here.
I have seen it that way, and maybe that is what is changing the very most. I considered ascension, spiritual attainment, to be the only reason to show up around here, for all the bullshit that creates, but, what about being human? Having an impact on others? Learning from those whom I have never encountered? Seeing value and worth in those who act in ways that confound and confuse. It was final course work, maybe, the core stuff, the final preparations, perhaps.
And now, here I am. Here I am. Some of the blessings I have in my life still don’t feel real, and I need to come to terms with that. How is it I simply cannot feel some of the wonder that graces me? Why can I not bring into my heart some of the love? I shrug. Hell if I know, but I like having it as a problem.
Much like when I went to California, last year, I have allowed these eclipses to serve as a change agent. I don’t know why I know that this eclipse is important to me, but I do. When I was channeling on it, I just kept seeing God’s eye looking lovingly at me, and then, with a grin I couldn’t see, a wink, and when its eye opens from the blink, it’s seeing me a little differently, and I’m seeing it a little differently. Maybe with that blink, God is removing a little eye junk, I don’t know, but I just keep getting the hit that this blink is just a little different than some of them. Maybe it’s because I can see the sun as God’s eye, and can imagine God blinking. I do not know.
In this past week I have experienced the death of two very large structures, things in my life that have, up til now, provided a way in which to explain myself, see my worth, and justify my emotions.
I realize that grief, grieving a dead loved one, is mostly about being sad that things once predictable are now up in the air. But then, there is that deeper sadness, that has nothing to do with missing things the way they were. It is a deep well, and the water is so cool, so pure. The knowledge, its crystalline purity then cooling a volcanic gut and troubled mind, proves the fear out: My life was very very good, and was made very very good by this thing/person/circumstance/agreement. That agent is now gone, and so, my life is not good in the way it used to be.
Still, it is a sadness for how things once were, but, the statement of fact, the knowledge that what once was is no more and shall not ever be again, well, it is heady, it can make a person dizzy, really.
And yet, what we discussed, and where we went last night makes me certain that there is absolutely nothing to fear. Not only do I have fast friends feeling the very same things, in their own way, all over this planet, really, but, we agreed, and oh my, how could we not, we are surrounded by the gifts we dropped off for ourselves, when we were readying for this time. Each of our realities, and our combined, shared one, are bursting with gifts we have hidden in plain sight.
There is nothing to fear, and everything to discover, and that is the truth of it.
This morning, it seems that the shock of it, the realization that now, my own daily life is different than it used to be, I take solace in that. Maybe it was hanging out with my friends that helped me get over the hump, but, I am grateful today, and excited today, where, frankly, I just felt an unnerving amount of exhaustion.
I’ll finish by talking about what each of us were commenting on yesterday, something that, I am certain, others are experiencing. It is a good feeling, one I have had before, but not like this, not really.
Waiting. Expecting, ready, champing at the bit, even. The things we are poised to do are so big… they are so big, and it is nothing but refreshing to be among those who understand that this is how it is done, actually. Each of us tried to explain more about where we are headed, and each of us came up short, words failing, imagery glimmers whose color can be described, but not much more. We don’t know how. We don’t know when. We don;t even know why, really. But, we are ready.