DEEPLY AWAKE COFFEE TALKS By Kathy Vik
“Piercing the Membrane” 2-17-16
I am moved to write tonight because I have been through a singular experience. At the time, to any kind on-looker, it simply looked like I was walking through a shit storm of my own making. It looked that way to me, too, mostly because it was true, on so very many levels.
However, That’s seen through buddhistic eyes, and, it feels to me just a bit judgmental, like it’s a shameful thing to have participated in my reality, when the reality is shitty. Of course it’s my mess, just as my victories are.
But, I am off track. The idea here is that things were bad, verifiably dire, and, in very many ways, permanently and indelibly altered, last week.
As the week progressed, the pressure and the heat was enormous, and thinking on those days, there was a tone and colors associated with that time. But most notable, there was a steady, pressure driven, kinetic, dull-heavy feel to it all that was as much emotional as intellectual, as much in my bones as in my raw muscle.
Yesterday and today, I am changed. I report on it now because I needed to make sure it hadn’t been induced by something that could just as easily be missing, causing the same feelings to return. But, it’s not like that.
I thought about that today, how uncanny we are as a group, living as proof that people change, and improve, and things can get better. I believe, as do those in my tribe, that these energetic shifts are expansive, and once we have expanded, it is not possible to go back to how we once were. Energetically impossible. Once expanded, there is contraction, and this might feel like regression, but it is simple adjustment, a resting, perhaps, and too, a revisiting of patterns, brought up so we can dismiss them as no longer relevant.
As a result of these beliefs, I am willing to allow myself, and other people too, to try on new behaviors, and to not shame the trials, as previously hoped-for ideals and behaviors take root.
What happened last week was a well orchestrated, divinely timed series of awakenings which led to a singular moment for which I have no memory. I was in such a state, the inner chaos extreme, the pain exquisite, the work refined. And with each intuitive inquiry and action, a point was reached, over the weekend, something happened, and it’s odd to me that I don’t care that I have no recollection of a moment, a singular event, which sealed the deal for me. T
There had been mirror work, the fist in years and completely perfect for the moment. There was a simple commitment ceremony, twice, as I solidified my commitment to this path, to me. There were lectures I heard, but no dreams, and only one bit of writing, done last night, when things came together for me, and it is this I need to report, this that is behind the title of this essay.
I realized as I wrote, that what had occurred was a piercing through a membrane. I saw a pearly white membrane, and the gauzy implication of a new creature pushing through something which organically had encased her.
I saw the bursting through, the membrane tear, then open, but did not witness more. I don’t have to. I realized, writing, that it was this that I had experienced, because the thing I have been commenting to my friend about is that there are vast fields of thought, patterns of behavior, which no longer are available. I see now, three days into the work week, that they are available, but that inhabiting them, choosing to not be mindful of thought, the patterned behavior is riding right alongside this new stuff.
There have been changes in my physical structure, and how I am being communicated with, and how it feels to receive intuition, now. Dictation that used to be half heard whispers grew, over the years, and was confirmed, verified, proven to me again and again and again. I can trust my intuition, I realized. But now, it’s not like that. I trust myself, because it houses my intuition. I hope you understand by that statement how vast I think a self is.
It’s not that I have happened upon a definition that finally fits for me. Instead, I feel bigger, like I can contain more, and the limitations of fear I put on myself about doing, saying, being certain things, they can be contained within the same person who is going out there are doing them.
Last night, as the images came, as the words flowed, I remembered what I’d read on Facebook a few days before. I had fond it curious that science was goggling at and had named a line, a membrane, really, which keeps us within our own atmosphere. It was an article discussing the thrust and power required to pierce this line, drawn with three’s. I don’t remember the units of measure, if it was velocity or height, and I can’t quite recall where the decimal went. I didn’t read about the science, because it just seemed like a lot of wanking about a very spiritual issue. 3333333333333. The numbers repeat. There is a barrier, a physical barrier which it takes intent and skill and desire to pierce, at the 33 line.
I realized while writing that what had been happening is I had pushed through, past 33% functionality, into a larger area within my own DNA. I had gone beyond the 33%. Jesus, my sweet friend, was explaining this with his life, his death, his shroud.
The main thoughts banging through my head upon recovery were simple ones. What is the point of all this work if I am not a truly decent and generous and open and responsible and good person? The areas in my life where I have been clearly not showing up, or where karmic patterns simply needed to be struck down as null and void now, they have come to pass. I have been treated with far more gentleness and tenderness and respect than I think i have shown, and that troubles me. I see how my behavior falls short of my ideals, and it is like a fuel, now, rather than a retardant.
My life, this life, this narrative and time line, I am waking up to it. The duality which wrapped its coils through my cortex, it has bled off, gone, this crushing duality which set up never ending, unsolvable arguments in my head. That’s gone too. Just, very simply, gone.
Having failed, in my eyes, so utterly and miserably and drastically, in more than one arena, like dominoes the situations fell, and any sense of pride or self approval for my works.
It helped, I think to have this happen, because I did come through, and I had to do it naked, as ashamed, as deluded in shame as Eve and Adam had been.
And Dr. Todd’s words have been coming back, the Monday I spent a little over a year ago with him encouraging us to go farther, to move past our programming, to expand in consciousness and awareness and ability. He said, after it’s over and you look back, it’s like you’ve woken from a bad dream.
I look around and know that this is my life, but, oh man, I need to do some things a whole lot differently, and I actually want to, and I actually know how. A paralysis has been broken, and the reasons why things are the way they are seems so irrelevant now. Not necessary to dig around in. The reasons are simply not necessary, and are as much a part of things as anything else, an integral part of the story. Just not a treasure trove to answers, at this point.
So, this is the end point, the bow on this package. The thing is, I don’t believe looking back and touching all my old stuff, going through it real good and figuring out where it all came from, is necessary any longer, and is actually less desirable as a heart/mind activity as considering what I would prefer to experience, and acting in accord with those desires. I know I sound like an Abraham poster on Facebook, but I am culling this exactly from my most recent life experience, and I am actually describing my day to day actions.
I don’t believe that the future is created from probabilities from the past. I think the past is malleable as are the lessons available to us, depending upon what level of consciousness we are employing when we look back. To think that what I have experienced thus far is what I can expect, however, is really humorous. I am smiling as I write it. It’s just silliness. What happened then was at a different vibratory rate, a different understanding, and with different skill sets. Each day, we are new creature, and if I have more from which to operate, then what I create today, and tomorrow, will have to be more than what I had been able to create on my best day, before.
Integrating this has been enjoyable and gentle. And I have realized that it is this theme, that it is the present creating everything, that I have happened upon since my head cleared a couple days ago.
This is about living it. This is about holding my reality and being at peace with it, in the middle of any storm. it’s remembering about my bigger selves, about our bigger purposes, about the reality that this person, this situation, this calamity, this blessing, all of it is made, actually atomically made of God. All of it.
Funny, but I have fallen back in love with God. The last two days, I have been on fire for it, knowing God in everything, and feeling so happy to finally feel it again. Understanding everything is of God. Not necessarily holy or sacred or dear or enough to fawn over. All of it. All of it . All of it is God itself.
It’s an immediate knowledge that feels so right, and true, and reassuring. I know God is a trigger word, but anymore I don’t think I am caring. I don’t have to say it, but neither do I have to fawn anymore, and I am not feeling all that moved, one way or the other, by humans at the moment. I feel a detached caring, and a desire to be engaged responsibly and in a way that leads to a healing, balanced interpersonal environment, but they are much more, each, their own thing than ever before.
I walked out of the facility tonight and looked up, saw the moon brightly silver, though the sky was azure, cloudless, and the air a cooling summer one. I walked into the middle of the courtyard and then stood there, and fell in love. I was moved to tears, I fell in love. So easily and completely I felt intoxicated, moved to great awareness of the beauty of this moment, its singularity, the privilege it is to be having it, conscious, hearing it speak to me, hearing my elders speak through me, standing on that concrete pad, just a complicated lady finally leaving after a day which held more victories than defeat.
It’s about living it, and it’s about understanding that there is no such thing as a calamity, that terror is a tool, and that this last push seemed to have a lot to do with breaking through biologically encoded barriers.
It would be different if I weren’t different, but I am, and I trust it, because I have been through enough of these things to know what I have experienced is not a mental break, it is not a testament to the flaws in my character, but instead, it was an initiation. It was a birth. It was a breaking through. It was a piercing of the membrane.