DEEPLY AWAKE COFFEE TALKS By Kathy Vik
“I Can Feel It Now” 1-31-16
I have very limited time today, and I find this curious, really. The amount of full-on changes I have made have been astounding, this last week. Each day has been revelatory in some way, but each day carries with it something brand new, though it is something I know, just know, is reliable. Unquestionably so.
It’s funny, because I am writing to you while in the middle of immediate, meaningful and significant events, and yet, these events are not knocking me off my horse. Rather, what I am finding is that each concern, every worry, is being addressed, in this seamless, timeless way. Friends present, a post is seen, a thought is had, and, I am reminded that everything is really pretty ok.
My sister and I had one of the best discussions we’ve ever had, in my opinion, last evening over food. We talked frankly and generously about each other, about life, about ourselves, and when we listen, we are doing so actively, so intently and wisely, that it is a bit of a maelstrom of self discovery, sometimes.
I spoke of this new movement in my life, this change that is from the simple act of self-acceptance, self-love. I really like myself a lot anymore, and have been exploring, truth be told, with just how much, the last six months or so.
I threw myself into the deep end of a particularly steaming lake, and I have come up from those depths shining, smiling, naked and glistening, certain of a few very key items, but one is most profound, the core of it.
It started out just as a random thought I would have now and then, the last several months, a lazy assessment done in bed on Saturday morning, or while climbing out of my car to start my work day. This observation would sneak into my awareness, that the best days I have are those spent really liking myself.
The last week, I have had a turn-about though. I have, I admit, been so self-obsessed as to have raised it to an art form, and I am well aware of that. Although it is standard to apologize for such behavior, or, indeed, chalk it up to a mental disorder or fundamental flaw in character, but really, this self-obsession , I think, is simply a part of the launch process.
My guides explained to me very early on that most of this is done in order to be able to recognize one’s own signature. I was told that we recognize each other by our energetic signature, that bodies and faces and life stories and lifetimes are a blur, in the end, a gestalt for the soul inhabiting a body.
Through years of self examination, and then a final three year push into self realization, I have come to honor radical self knowledge. And it is this reflectivity, this extension of the idea of reflectivity, that I need to focus on and then I will finish.
I am aware, this week, of the doorway which is very very hard to see, on the massive golden wall of self discovery. This doorway is one I couldn’t open until I was in full-on love with myself.
Through a series of beautiful encounters with absolutely stunning men and women, I have come to a place where I understand that I am attractive. I understand I am pretty. I understand I am desirable. This was told to me, repeatedly, and really, it;s how this last push got fueled. Being in relationship with someone who would not allow me to talk bad about myself, who found it a little gross, when I did it. I had access to that level of acceptance, and it was delivered in a way that was steady, and consistent, and reliable.
How can I repay the friend who lent such structure to me, to my innards?
That structure allowed me to seek out experiences, for no other reason than I liked myself better, and I knew I was loved by someone I loved, so, I had a bit of an invisible cape, as I walked into parties and orgies and coffee houses and hookah bars and dates’ homes. And, I began to live again.
This last week, I feel I have grown up, decades of faulty thinking and false expectations falling away. It isn’t happening magnetically or in a vacuum. It is happening because I am changing my behavior.
The reason I am changing is that I recognize, now, that the time for rabid self-examination and self-obsession has yielded a fund of knowledge about myself and about love, about this being a safe place, and that, in the end, I will never be unloved.
I have realized the last week that my prayer has come true. I had one prayer, in the spring, to feel compassion when unthinking, judgmental, small-minded, small-minded people do their judgy judgy thing. This answer, well, it is all about compassion, but, I went about asking for help with this koan another way, a few months ago. Let me explain.
It matters to me that I feel compassion toward others, because I know it’s really the only thing I want form others, because it feels so good. But, it goes far deeper, and it keeps asserting itself, and I find myself softer with others, more forgiving, quieter. A long time coming, that golden retriever puppy I’ve always imagined myself as, when it comes to ego strokes, it’s grown up too. My time of self indulgence, narcissism, hiding and being indirect, the fearful stuff, doesn’t fit anyhow. The time of immaturity has ended.
I’ve seen again and again, through this shadow work, how much more I can do for others, and I want to. All that stuff my sister wondered why I committed myself to, heartache and all the rest, the romance of it has worn off. I’m grateful to be here. My life and my happiness is my responsibility. But, making sure I’m there for others, that I’m treating them well, that I’m showing up and caring, actively caring about them, is more and more a directive, a desire. To give.
I’m finding it easy to love everyone, so I’m enjoying life a lot more, just in general. I’m in accord.
This last week, I have really been honest about the feedback my reality is given me, about my appearance, about the impact of my words, about my state of relationship. And I have realized that I can do better by others. I can put to bed once and for all the questions that seem so fundamental, but, clearly there was some reason for it all, as innate as this process has been. I can accept my worth, way down deep, which stops the tussling with its reality, and gets down to the fun of it: living. Creating. Improving skills. Encouraging.
I don’t feel shame, and I feel no guilt. I feel a burn, I feel a happy glow inside me. I know who it is I am resonating with now, and I am breaking down my resistance, and I am doing it because I like feeling another’s love and passion and care for me, and I want to get out of my own way, so they can see that, in me.
Funny thing is, anyone I am in relationship with can so clearly see what I am. From a mile away. It’s only me who has had blinders. I look at my interactions and decide they need to be more compassionate. More generous. More trusting. And I am laughing. There is not a soul in the world in relationship with me who can’t see that stuff dripping off my skin. I have blind spots.
So, this week, I had so many miracles, and with each of them, my vision cleared, it seems. I have heard, more than once, usually while driving, that the scales are being removed from my eyes. Again and again. And it is a physical sensation, to be honest, this final dropping away of misunderstandings which have log-jammed my life in so many ways.
Three years ago, I had a few friends, none of whom I saw with regularity. I was a full-on hermit, and I loved my cave. Anyone who is interested in the mechanics of it can go back, way way back, in this blog to see what I was like back then, and the howling I used to do was just almost impossible to tolerate sometimes, the self pity, the fear, the fear the fear.
I mention this as a way to bring thoughts together, braiding them into a rein for the two of us, so that this horse we are on, which we now can read and anticipate, knows just where and how we want to go next.
There is someone in my life now who carries a signature that I recognize. I understand the story which was ruptured can continue seamlessly, joyously, and fully, now. And the rupture can be put in its place, as inevitable, purposeful, and , far from tragic, it can stand as a testament to coping with truth far too long silenced. From this I walk with a living commitment to interpersonal bravery, to owning my shit, and to letting others not please me.
I recognize, suddenly and with great joy, that to offer comfort and care to the other is more important to me than being told I am pretty. Being accessible and light and simply enjoying the process is what I want. The time of angst and pain and resistance and fear, that time is over.
This is moving from the need to have others mirror long hidden realities form me, of my worth, of my beauty, of my wit and warmth and ability to please and soothe others, over to wanting to give this to another. But, things have changed inside me. I don’t care to give this away for any other reason than it is an obvious move. AN act of simple honor.
I feel this with my lovers. I feel this with my patients. I feel it with my family, my son, my sister, all of my loved ones.
This shadow work has left me fully aware of how supported I have been this entire time, while howling, crumpled up, painfully screeching that I can’t feel any of it.
That is the reflectivity, you see. Somehow, a weird alchemy has settled on me, and I trust, I know, I believe, that the positive feedback I ride around in, all the love I am given, is for me. Because, well, because I am worthy of it.
I know it could be a simple case of , hey you can’t feed anyone if you’re starving yourself, but, living this out, the Hallmark greeting is a phenomenal coming home, a coming back into my heart, and realizing that love is all around me.
And so, I tie this up by telling you of something which can, could and often did move me to weeping, full-on blubbering, from an ache that is ancient, oh so old, and so very lonely.
I prayed, in the spring, to feel something other than grinding soul fatigue when people would demonstrate their low-consciousness bullshit. I wanted that, to be able to be gracious with those who are incapable of the same, of being tolerant of the intolerant, and kind to the unkind. A series of things happened, which I wrote about, which really brought me closer to that place.
Then, a few months ago, there really was nothing left to be done… my personal life was far beyond my comprehension, or my ability to tolerate. I was in pain, as my most significant relationship broke apart. And I prayed. Often, earnestly, and very intentionally. I realized that my heart’s desire, the thing that needed to happen next for me was, I need to feel love.
I’d told a lover of this soundproof booth I functioned from. It was as if I had a thick layer of numb around my heart, my soul, that thing that makes things go, and, I realized frequently, during that time, looking back as a break up makes one do, that my life had been one of wanting. Of waiting. Of never feeling it. Of never really getting it, either. Indirect love. Indirect, indirect, indirect.
I realized I desperately wanted to actually feeeeeeeeeel love. And I did not. The only time it is fulminant is when I am in a clinical setting, then my love is so free flowing as to be ridiculously bright and healing. I am touched, and I know it, and in a clinical situation, I can be a healer, I can let my freak flag fly. But, I was so blocked, in other settings.
Such a deep, piercing soul cry… Please, I want to feel love. I want to feel loved. I want to feeeeeel it.
I realized last night that my prayer has been answered, and in a way that I did not expect. I supposed, I guess, that my answer would be wrapped up in the physical body of a drop dead gorgeous man, and my life would continue to be challenging, but I’d have a nice relationship.
Like an avalanche, I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it.
And this time, it is different. I don’t feel that I am automatically in debt, at this moment, even though, at this moment, I feel so completely and utterly seen and supported and loved, by so, so, so many people. I am aware that people I don’t think twice about really love me. Respect me. Look up and seek me out kind of thing.
This inundation, this saturation of goodwill is accompanied by what I have been trying to explain above. It comes with a deep and steady love of others, and I know this is coming form this newly acknowledged flow of acceptance and celebration and honor I feel toward myself. Without needing to self obsess in an effort to justify the good feelings.
And so, last night, asking my sister to reality test with me, as I was preparing, obviously, to take a final leap into this next part, and I asked her her impression of me. Simple ones. About my appearance. My presentation. My interpersonal potential. All of it.
She was a little impatient, and I love her for that. She told me, very pointedly, that it’s well past time to stop thinking of myself in these archaic, non-sensical terms. Fix that tooth and you’re golden, was her response to my question of being pretty. And then, she told me, fatigued, almost, that she cannot understand my total commitment to self loathing.
It was good thing to hear at the end of this magical week.
I have always known that self pity, self loathing, these are fundamental mistakes in thinking. They are ugly and lead to perversion in my thinking and behavior, and unhappiness in my heart. They are poison. I have often said that, if I believed in sin, it’s really the only one there is. Hating one’s own creation, hating that which emanates directly from source. It is a tell, a way to know how plugged in a person is with the all, and with their own selves.
I told her that, in my case, it really did take people from the outside to come into my world and point out that I am beautiful, worth their time, and that I had a good effect on them. It took being exposed, being willing to be exposed, to new people, in new settings, taking risks by being willing to do that which feels good, even though I don’t understand it.
So, I apologized, a little, I guess, but in a way that was self affirming, actually, that, yeah, I have had huge-ass blind spots regarding my worth. So deep they were that I was crippled in some areas. But it is irrelevant now, because I feel love now, and it was just a theory before. It was something written down and studied, but I was not ready to have a lab partner til now.
I am in deep gratitude for those who have loved me, who have healed me because they reached into my hart, not minding the silence and thorns, as their hands carefully and gently weave their fingers past my silences.
I realize that even my thorns are beautiful.
And now, all I care about is being here, and from here, loving everyone I know better. I feel full, inside, for the first time in my life, and I report this not from my lover’s bed or from a mountainside, but from my Walmart laptop, as I take an ill-advised break from my life’s activities, to write to you honestly and earnestly about matters of the heart.
It matters, you know. I am not willing to be in work, love, family, sexual, financial relationship with others without this sense of high regard and tolerance. And I don’t have to feel it from them anymore. I just don’t/ The beauty of the last few days is that I really am ok with acknowledging another’s beauty and worth and validity, and I want to see their point of view and accommodate rather than argue. I like feeling this solid, sweet love for myself, and it’s really all I want to give away. I am happy about this, most of all.
I think that Kryon’s last messages helped these life solidify so perfectly.
He explained two patterns of consciousness, that of hate and fear, and that of love and compassion. As he did this, I understood so much about these confounding realitonships I have been in, and through this last week, of contemplating that message and living my life fully, I realize that the prison of fear so many gratefully find housing is so strong, its surface tension very hard to pierce, because it is a a very simple pattern, and it is an imprisoning one. It is powerful. It is very hard to break. It is palpable. And I have seen it at work, as I’ve often talked about ways to manage fear, to work with it for what it is. It is powerful. Hearing his recording put an entire relationship to bed for me.
Those who carry a different patterning, that of love and compassion, this pattern is also palpable, and it is real. It is a kinetic, catalytic, healing feeling, and it is both expansive and inclusive. Fear excludes, love includes. Fear defends, love invites. And it is in these spaces that relationships dwell.
I understood why some are almost magnetically repelled by me. It always was a puzzle, how some people just couldn’t stand me. In the case of relationships, it’s never that simple, never that easy. “It wasn’t a good fit,” is the best way to describe it, but, I felt like I could take myself off the hook a little bit. All this time, in relationship, I have known these energetic truths, but I have not had the words for it. Suffice it to say, the way in which we choose to position our lives and our consciousness, by what we pursue daily and who we interact with, these reinforce our sense of purpose and self.
And far from all of this being a coral choice, or something which separates, I recall the discussions had the first weekend of January of this year, at the Kryon event. Gregg Braden talked about it, as did Lee Carroll. In physics, when one energetic pattern is introduced to another, one that vibrates faster, there is chaos, and then there is an emergence of a new, more complex, stable structure. There is a time of total chaos, with patterns switching back and forth, faster, faster, until, a pitch is set, a clearing occurs. I am convinced this happens to us internally, too. If it can happen to a water molecule, it is happening within us.
I have chosen expansion and compassion and love and expression. But, the good part is, I’m no longer mad or impatient when I’m met with apathy, or withdrawal. And now, I can walk toward and from others realizing they have their own relationship with life, and may not be wanting to go where I can go. So be it.
What matters, in the end, is who in in front of me, who is showing up, who is in need, and who is around, noticing my my needs. The love I cried out for in prayer is here. All around. Everyone I meet. Yes, there is sexuality in all of this, relationships growing, some fading, all in evolution, but simply one more way to experience this profound love we are all made of.
I am blessed to be having these experiences, and beyond fortunate to be as loved as I am. I don’t feel bashful, anymore, about shaking off some of my old ways, of hiding and keeping low and taking everything in. There is a time and place for everything, and I am just glad that it seems to be the time and place, now, to finally experience, with this body and this smile, with this voice, and this big heart, how much I love others, and how much, and how many, others love me.
This last week had brought it all home and made it sing. Love is grand, feeling all this accord, feeling sparks, too, all of it wonderful, healing, all on its own. But, I stand before you now, toweled off from my deep end adventures to say, love is doing, not feeling. Feelings are vital, but love, anymore, to me, is more. Love is action. Love is doing. Love is showing up. I want it from myself toward others. And I am finally, now, receiving it.
It’s been said a lot recently, if you’re waiting for God to come along and fix things, you’re going to be waiting a long time. It’s time to remember who we are, and act accordingly. Let the age of loving, forgiving, nurturing, expressing ourselves and, being cool with others doing the same, begin!