DEEPLY AWAKE COFFEE TALKS By Kathy Vik
“Viva La Evolution” 1-13-16
From the title, you can deduce that I am perplexed. A little bit puzzled. Taken aback, even, by the complexity, and the simplicity, of what is before me, what it is I now inhabit.
It is impossible to believe that only 14 days have gone by since New Year’s Eve. So much has happened, and so many times I wanted, I needed, to sit and write to you, explain what I was seeing, knowing, sensing, but I am so glad I didn’t. It would have been a ball of confusion.
As the epiphanies roll in, I am struck with how simple things become. With each new acknowledgment of a reality that was always right here, in fact, but imperceptible until now, I feel a falling away of weight. Physical weights, mental weights. Especially the one I’ve carried with me since girlhood, the one that sits right in the middle of my chest, and makes my breath catch given the correct circumstances.
Trouble is, those circumstances are pretty much all the time anymore. And that weight, the one that up til recently I figured was just me, nope, it really is liftable, movable, and therefore, with that first little nudge, and give, it was only a matter of time. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t permanent, and it’s not all that happy staying put, truth be told.
I’m a koan cracker, and before me I have put mighty ones, archetypes and cliches, definitions and identities. One by one I have broken them open. But now we get to the blood and bones of the thing, we get closer to core definitions, core identities, and this, then, becomes less a journey of self discovery but one of integrated and coherent change.
I think the term is evolution.
The week after New Year’s found me mainlining again. Tuesday I saw Matt Kahn in Boulder, at his book launch. I am very fond of Matt, and enjoy his thinking and his humor. I am aware of how advanced his thinking is, and amazed at his patience and willingness to assist others as he is doing. His book is profound but manageable, and he is yet another from the first wave who is helping the second.
I realized sitting there watching him, learning, beaming, cheering (on the inside), learning, that I don’t have his patience, his need to spread the word. I write and publish because I am a straight up word whore, and decided to blossom into full-on exhibitionist. I am no teacher. I don’t have an active interest in healing anybody. I refuse to be anyone’s guru. So, I’m not sure where that leaves me in the marketplace, but I think it’s down the road a ways for me.
In any case, he planted a seed that bloomed, the next day, into a flower whose fragrance softened me for the rest of the journey. He loves to say, “I love you.” I know that’s a very loaded phrase for most people. I’m not entirely fond of it, because I think it is misused. Or maybe we need a new phrase for what I think “I love you” should convey. In any case, he told us, hey, use whatever phrase works. Whatever thing you didn’t hear, or need to hear. Say things until something rings.
And I did. The next morning. Trying on phrases, soothing words to remind me I’m ok, better than ok. And the words that worked for me were, “I approve of you.” It’s ambrosia. I can’t help but relax, thinking on it even now. I approve of you.
Next, I saw my massage therapist. I’ve found someone who is a true healer, and someone who can work well with my energy. I was snippy, my words something like a cry of frustration, by the time I got to the table. The night after Matt Kahn.
I slowly climbed onto the table sad and disappointed in myself. I realized that in the past couple months I had returned to some thinking and ways of behaving that I thought I’d gotten rid of. But I could see, feel, how discompassionate, how petty and defended I’d become. I grieved, yet again, as he began working on my shoulder, letting the tears come, letting the pain be acknowledged, soothed, released.
I understood as he’d greeted me that I was going to be healed that night. I surrendered, and I worked. I was so altered, and the things I was given I am still working out, daily the application comes. On the table, I understood how my hip was talking to me, what it was doing for me, and how it happened. I visited the moment of impact. I understood it, and I forgave the event.
I decoded my hip.
I haven’t used my cane since, and I am healed. My muscles are weekend, but I am walking more, and getting body work when I can spare the time. It’s done. I won’t be needing surgery.
I know that this sounds like madness to those in the field. But, hear me out. I never saw the xray that told the doctor that my hip was ground to dust. I have no evidence, and so, it is easier for me to dismiss the diagnosis entirely. I think it best to consider the last year plus of cane use and immobility to something that happened to me once, like my knee problems, or other issues that have since resolved. Did I have the problem? At one time, yes. Do I have it now? Nope. It’s a thing that I went through once.
Believe me, I am just as magical around my body in many many other ways. This is not an anomaly but rather how I talk with it, and about it. I plan on doing an essay, maybe more, on this relationship. I think it is extremely healthy, actually.
So, this was happening, and I am working full time, with pressure that I really don’t wish to even explain. But, suffice it to say that all I am learning, coping with, trying to forgive myself for, all of it is in my face at work, as I mow projects down and face fear after fear, mine and others.
And then it was the weekend. My Kryon weekend. I spent it in the company of my sweet friend from Love land. So open, so happy and well adjusted, so free of shame and self loathing. What joy to be around her, to be in her presence! I only regret not having been more appreciative then and there.
She was with me from the start to the finish, and it was wonderful to have such a lovely companion. I feel better about my desire to have a companion in my life. She taught me many more things, mostly about relating to people fearlessly, which I have been trying to apply, and failing at with regularity, though I keep on pitching.
Saying it was a Kryon weekend is a bit misleading. Lee Carroll presented, thankfully discussing more fully his passionate interests, and giving us a travelogue. Gregg Braden presented a coherent, thorough and compelling talk on cycles, time fractals and choice. He is instrumental to the work, because he is so astoundingly reasonable, that to reject its reason makes you seem a little unreasonable.
And then there was Prageet. He is a channeler, and he has built a Stargate based on his channeled information. The Stargate with us was perhaps 9 feet tall, and could accommodate a person sitting within it. I spent time with it during a break, and it speaks, hums, sings. It is a consciousness, and it is quite powerful. His channeled energy was so pure, oh my, oh my. Oh my. I have listened to a recording daily since, and it is so pure, so helpful, to me.
So, it is a big weekend, full of 3D information, but, beginning and ending each day is the Kryon channel.
I had no recollection of Saturday’s main event. Prageet had done a channel, and I was so far gone, I remember drinking a pop and looking around during the Kryon’s Saturday channel, but when I finally heard it last night, it was like hearing it for the first time. It was so powerful and helpful and joy inducing.
The weekend was affirming, as time with my family is. It is a relief I don’t talk about all that much, but I realized, watching Lee, and being struck with how cooperative, but how respectful the whole group is, top to bottom, I realized, you know, I need more support. How can I possibly get my thing off the ground without people around me who believe in me, and where there is free flowing, mutual support. I realized then, I am closer now than ever before, and just having such a thought is progress.
But that is the idea, and the feeling I am left with, after spending time with people who aren’t in fear mode.
And I knew come Monday morning I would get to do it all again, and apply what I have come to understand, in these most unusual of travels.
I need to summarize what I had learned, and how what I had learned wasn’t all that correct, so I had to change my thinking again.
I had come to understand that the reason I feel so happy and good when I am in the role of healer or nurse is that I don’t let them reject me. It’s not on my windshield. I just don’t care. If a patient hates my guts, I don’t care, I still love them. If they call me names, are rude, needy, etc, well, that’s just them, oh well, can’t change ‘em, might as well work with ‘em as is. Btu, I just don’t do that outside work. Can’t. And it bugged the hell out of me.
I realized on the table that the difference between the two comes down to the conditionality of the love, as well as the role. And so, I left understanding that as a nurse I give, and I have been frustrated because, perhaps, I have felt overdue to be given to by the able-bodied, and they haven’t shown much interest.
That’s how far I’d gotten before today.
Today, I understand things better, and with this explanation I will close.
I realized today that it’s not about paranoia, or about carrying into the now past wounds and hurts. It’s really much more simple than that.
When I am a nurse, in front of a patient, I know myself to be good. On time. On purpose. I like myself, a lot. I approve of myself, and I don;t pick at myself. At all. Well, if I do, it’s to better my practice, but I take a no-nonsense approach to criticisms. Bring a mistake to my attention, explain why it was wrong, explain your way and why it’s better, and then drop it. Move on to the next thing, basically.
I’m a bit of a squirrel in other settings, more close up ones. I doubt myself. I question my own motives. I judge myself mercilessly. I don;t ever give myself a break And I never stop obsessing. All things I never engage in at work, because they’re counterproductive and make me unhappy.
In his second Boulder channeling, Kryon alludes to this. He explains how things work, how enlightenment works, in essence. It’s a timing thing, a homing beacon thing, too. You get a vision, or a dream, or a thought, and you can’t shake it. The feeling of it. The correctness of it. And it winds up being an aroma, one that, when you catch it in the air, you follow it, instinctively, because it’s going to bring you something you must experience.
He said, it is not uncommon to have a big sparkly experience, to have everything put right inside, and then to have parts of your life that just don’t come together. This process is not an across-the-board one, and timing remains a great mystery, for good reason. Without it, things slated, potentials as undeniable as your face, cannot come to pass.
So, the rough translation is that it’s not all that weird to have pockets of insanity tucked into the folds of our new mantles, little areas where the crazy still leaks out. You can’t do something this big overnight.
The epiphanies are happening now, after two weeks of willing participation in a reality that is astoundingly supportive and benevolent.
I mean those words, and I know how impossible all of this looked to me three years ago. I know what a state I was in, and I know what I have had to do to get here. And this is why I know in my heart that this journal stands as a testament for those who don’t want to spend the kind of face time I did with these demons and angels, getting things straight.
I close by telling you a little story. For the last channel of the weekend, Prageet did a lead-in meditation, and the energy was running so high and pure and sweet. As Amber led the group on her meditation, Kryon and I had a talk.
I called to him. I reminded them of my heart’s desires, of my intentions.
They said, “Would you like a gift?”
I told them yes
“We’re giving you an extra special one.” and with a wink, they were off, the channeling began.
They talked about gifts, in the channel, how the gift you five your 19 year old is not what you give him at 8. And these epiphanies, this healing that continues, the softening and opening I feel happening inside my countenance, it’s a convergence, a culmination, and I guess that’s why the word evolution is I think an accurate one. Uneven, steady, self balancing growth, with improved function and well-being, I think that is the very heart of evolution.
Fourteen days since my last essay. A lifetime. Maybe two. With no end in sight, thankfully.