DEEPLY AWAKE COFFEE TALKS By Kathy Vik
“Availability and Resistance” 12-13-15
THANKS DENVER! Shpongle (Simon Posford), Alex Grey, Allyson Grey, Randal Roberts Art, Morgan Mandala in this photo by Matt Jensen… Big up toRandom Rab, Govinda Music, Templo Music, Johnathan Singer, and all the amazing artists and performers and production people and promotions teams who took part in an epic SOLD OUT Re:Creation at The Fillmore Auditorium! — with Alex Grey, Brian Otoole, Shpongle (Simon Posford),Joshuasca TryptamineSea, Randal Roberts Art,Ryan Hailey, Gary Williams, Nathan Baker, Alli Vest,Kaleb Dubspeak, Morgan Mandala and Matthew Mayer.
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Word Origin and History for “Available”
Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2010 Douglas Harper
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I have been pondering on this, how to say this, now, for several hours. No deleted attempts, this morning, just a lazy sidewinding up to this summit, with a view that is well worth the wait.
I have been trying to find a way to language what has happened, and I have done a pretty decent job, but nothing like this. I finally got it whole, while sitting on my bed just now, smoking and petting Minky.
It started with this idea of resistance, and how I have this vision, in my mind’s eye, when I look back and think about what I saw between my parents, a model, unfortunately for my future expectations, and what I saw was grand, unspeakable, unspoken resistance.
I am not calling them out, because they did just fine in their lives, they did everything right. I’m just saying, my model for male-female up-close relationships was one that was mixed, ambivalent, non-physical, cold.
Slowly, slowly, over the span of a few weeks, I let that sink in. Truly, when I first realized how I’d so handily translated that into my own relationships, my own expectations of How Things Work, I could see the tendrils of it as they snuck in and strangled so many projects, so many relationships and jobs and endeavors.
So, what do you do with that? I mean, it’s the movie I saw, and it was in fleshy technicolor, so it seemed real, something that could be applied to all fleshy technicolored folk.
But, what I see is how this stance works. It’s pernicious, and it’s a change, and it solidified into something quite tasty on the 12-12, so hang with me, because we have freaking awesome places to go!
Today, thinking and smoking and reflecting on the whole thing, a series of visions, some very weird body things that are going on, lots of “downloads,” I realized it more simply, more clearly, and it is this I can use, in everyday life, a simple thing to apply, to remember.
See, that’s the nice part. As I make my way toward another perspective, a thankfully less frantic and angry one, I really love how the lessons come. Usually I get a big overview, and then, one by one, my experiences and guidance fills in the gaps in understanding until, sooner or later, I can sit on my bed, have a think, and realized, hot shit, I think I’ve changed. I’m never doing “X” again. I don’t have to anymore.
Because this does have foundational aspects, it’s worth drilling down to the base. It’s not anything to be embarrassed about anymore. I have plenty of other stuff I can feel embarrassed about.
The idea here is that I have found resistance highly attractive, magnetic, a gotta-have sort of experience.
I am certainly not alone in my deep and seemingly abiding love of no, of maybe, of potential. Women, I think, in particular, know about falling in love with potential.
So I have a couple things to say about it, because it is central to the drilling down, actually.
I have a pattern in my life of hooking up and allying with people who act as if they would rather not be around me all that much. And that’s mostly because I don’t like to be penned in or owned, and it’s also because, people who like to behave that was usually are loaded with resistance to intimacy. They are, as I was, unavailable.
So, yeah, I figured out why I find unavailable people and situations and solutions so intoxicating. There, in front of me, several weeks ago, I saw an old talkie in my head, mom and dad in the car, in the front seat, a lifetime of me seeing nothing but their denied, silent acrimony.
I shake my head. The absolute insanity of staying together, in that sort of pain and suffering, it’s actually considered a social norm, a gift, something that is necessary for the kids.
Thanks a lot.
It’s taken awhile and a lot of honesty to look at all the situations going on in my life and get a feel for their resistance or their alliance. And I think that’s what I need to say next. Then I need to tell you of my 12-12. Then, I am done.
I understand that all life is a mirror, but I want to explain what I am seeing here. I realize now that if I have in my awareness a situation that feels a certain way, I know there is resistance there, and I’m damn well going to honor my feelings, now.
I can feel it, and these last three years have taught me better than any book or guru, that my intuition is state of the art. And, guess what, it’s also real, even if my judgment is off. Because it’s my take.
And I can feel it, I can sense it, when things are wide open or shut down, within a human heart, within a corporate structure, within myself, as I encounter him, and her, and that, and this.
And I will trust this as my guide now. I know I saw what I saw, experienced what I experienced, as a girl, as a young woman, and took my meanings from those things as that child, as that youth. I can assign different meanings to things now.
And so, what I saw back then, and chose to repeat to myself often and much, was that love is resistance. Love is disregard. Love is hate. Love is that sour taste in your mouth as it twists, having tasted something familiar, but tainted.
And love is nothing like that. Love is wide open. It’s solid. It feels good, and helps you breathe deep. It’s available, it’s all around, but it’s contained within the fingers and eyes and deeds of those sitting next to you, confronting you, walking away from you.
I used to fall in love with potential, and then feel myself justified when the slow torture began, the excuses and the pulling back and the bullshit. That was my pattern. Of course it was. Start with the premise of belonging, and then mess with it, shake it up good.
I believe that this process of ascension, DNA activation, enlightenment, consciousness shift, I think it has to do with burning off patterns of thought and therefore of behavior, which at one time served, and made sense, but now, as we have grown up, we see that perhaps the definitions were a bit crude, and to continue using the same markers, and the having the same goals, hopes, expectations, well, it might actually get a little boring. And it certainly lacks that nice deep integrity that leads to a soul satisfaction nothing else can.
I can say all of this because I have crossed a barrier now. I have accepted love in a brand new way, and I feel better, I feel happy, now. Safe. Sure.
And maybe the outside hasn’t changed all that much, though I smile as I type, knowing damn well it’s f’awesome now, but the idea here is that I know inside of me that I am safe. There has been a flip, a switch, and I feel a security I didn’t, before.
I think it is the security which comes to someone who has spent an entire fucking lifetime saying yes to situations that were screaming no.
How else could I get that resistance I knew to be normal?
This is why the shift is fundamental. Because I can change everything, just with a blink and a flick of my wrist now. I can choose.
I can say no.
Believe me when I tell you that it is quite impossible for me to hate anyone. It just is. And more often than not I feel great and true love for people which can easily move me to tears, the beauty of, really, anyone at all.
With that sort of heart, I have said yes to many many people and situations who perhaps needed that level of acceptance, but, most assuredly, they had not the first clue how to reciprocate.
And then there are the ones who can, who do, who did, and oh, I love them best, but every single person comes with their own set of “no’s”
I’d puzzle over loving someone who’d locked themselves down tight with excuses. But, now, I ask myself, why?
Same with a job that is hard, not working out, total hardship and shitstorms day to day. Why?
And so, I look at myself, stopping the judgy-judgy for five minutes, and look real close at who and what I am hanging onto with a death grip on one hand, and punching with the other. Not much, anymore, but up until a couple weeks ago, I had myself in such a grip, and a couple others, too.
But, things have changed, and I am happy to let go of some of the attraction to no. I find I can afford to say no all on my own, and most assuredly, when great and powerful opportunities come knocking on my door, anymore, my ability to sense the resistance among the flowers and goodwill will not go undiminished. I have seen my own resistance, I have befriended it, quieted it, and mastered it. I have come to trust my intuition above all else, and I am happy to report that how I feel matters very much to me, and it now guides my decisions, rather than my resistances and reactions and arguments, to my intuition. I am on board with myself.
And so, on the 11th of December, I found myself in a sea of joy, in a massive place of beautify, with music which moved me, and soothed me, after having heard Alex Grey lecture on consciousness, on the universal field, on love.
This concert was one I saw advertised on Facebook, and I bought myself a ticket, without having listened to the music, and assuming that there would be a few Alex Grey posters about, and some stoners listening to electronica.
Yeah. Uh huh.
I knew that this was on time, and gift. I knew it was, and I wasn’t alone in my experience. I told my friend about how much synchronicity was around this night, brought him along, and I wished all night he’d been there.
I met, early in the evening, a group of kids, dread locked and stoned. The girl handed me a joint, and asked me what I did. I told her about Deeply Awake. She stopped, looked at me, and smiled. She said, “I read you.”
Prior to entering the hall, the voices had explained that this was a homecoming for me. They told me to walk proud, that I had been one to hold the space for all these kids, all these people waking up. I came in early, not as early as some of my friends, but, over 50 years ago, and I have been bumped and cut and banged up real good, and here I am, better for it, and done with the lessons. Walk in an elder, they said. You have earned it.
Then the encounter with those kids, leaving me with a half smoked joint in my hand, realizing I am doing something really really not ok, suddenly.
I got up and milled around, took to the floor when the music started, thumped and moved and smiled, but soon enough, I needed to sit.
I moved around the auditorium, and found myself stage right, the crowd suddenly thinning. A cool guy in a wheelchair asked me if I wanted to sit down, and did a Carol Merrill, toward six empty seats, overlooking the stage and dance floor. I smiled and said yes.
I sat there quite a long time.
At one point, I put it out there. The person or persons I am supposed to meet here, I’m right here, handicapped section. Come on over.
But the weird thing is, As I closed my eyes and said that, I was freaking blasted with such energy. I have never encountered such a thing.
I sat there, eyes open, stunned, wondering who the hell was going to come up from behind and touch my shoulder.
I listened, thumped, smiled.
I got a text.
And so, I went on to my next thing, the person I was to see next heard my call and answered back.
I was, by that point, so overwhelmed with this pure, clean, intense enegry being generated. I’d had a moment, prior to being touched, being called to, watching the beautiful breathing blanket of heads and arms and torsos bob and jump, here are the grandchildren. Look at them, how vibrant and on task they are!
And the voices, my sweet friends, I felt an embrace, I felt liquid warmth, as tears ran down my face and I knew, I heard, I echoed, “They know! They know! They all know!”
As I left the area and walked into what was now a writhing wall of sparkly humanity, I realized that this was reserved seating, for me, and I could, if I wanted to, go over, get a beer, and come back to my seat, and enjoy more of the show. More proof of this weird status I felt.
But, I was done. I needed nothing more than to anchor what I had been given. What happened next healed me as much as that concert, and now, integrated, I can speak of it, without needing to say much more than, I am going to be ok. Regardless of circumstance. Regardless of companion. Regardless. But, now, I get to enjoy things that are not split, less contrasted, more fundamentally allowing. Because I like it better than resistance. Funny, how that works.
I spent the 12-12 happy. I was with work folk that evening, and I was so expanded, so big, I worry that I will hear about it, I know I act oddly, and I just can’t help that sometimes. I walk around just hoping people will look back and be indulgent. Sometimes I am bigger than at other times.
I wake up today feeling competent, and able to choose things better. I am no longer willing to link love with resistance, and I feel joy in that realization and decision. It frees a lot of me up. I don’t have to care about potential anymore. It is clear to me that everyone here is divine. I get to choose who I shower my divinity onto. I get to decide. And it will be those who are asking me to join them. Those who are looking me in the eye and smiling. Those who are willing to let me be me. It will be the available.
I know now that the available is available.
2016 can now commence.