DEEPLY AWAKE COFFEE TALKS By Kathy Vik
“Right On Time” 12-9-15
I had a brilliant thought last morning as I woke, and it made things so much better for me. At times, a thought like this comes in, and just as quickly it leaves, and with it, its relief, its surcease from the pain my thoughts currently cause. It’s like that with thoughts, I find. They come by and get tried on, like new shoes.
But sometimes, the pinching and burning from old, outgrown shoes is just too fascinating to actually bend down and untie them, and slip them off. I was like that. But these shoes, I walked around in them that morning, made coffee in them, and brought them along to work. I tried them on there, too, and they go really well with work stuff.
What is this nice, shiny new thought, this brand new paradigm>
To tell you, I must embarrass myself, or at least it sort of feels that way, because it is so simple, and it is a thought I have had repeatedly, like I mentioned. It has expanded, and now it is more an understanding, and with its counsel comes sweet relief.
It’s a simple thought, but in its weakest form, when it visited me, all I felt was despair, loneliness, a sense of forlorn, wind whipped lone wolfishness. It’s this idea of the “ideal,” the template, in relation to others.
I laid there, light off, alarm off, silent, realizing, each and every relationship I have ever had has been a combination of my energy, and their energy. We combine, at that time in each of our stories, and we create a flavor, a reality.
I realized then, as a felt into each of my relationships, that each of them are and were offering things unique to the union.
I had been doing a comparison thing, I think, holding each relationship up to some template, some ideal, and each time I did that, I felt frustrated, and unloved, and angry, and scared. Note how here, and here and over there, these things are not in line with love, god damn it.
Oh my god. What a bitch.
I’ll admit I am a bit of an asshole still, in relationships, simply because I am clumsy and scared most of the time. But, stumbling onto this? Oh, baby, this is a game changer!
Understanding, fundamentally, that my relationships with others are perfectly acceptable even if they fall far short of some fucking ideal that I had in my head when I was an immature person, my god, I am free.
I had a vision one night, two weeks ago, deep in something that was changing me, and making me feel better. I was outside smoking, on break, thinking on my lovers, and my sadnesses, and my desires. I was wondering if my life could actually go on and be happy without the man I love. I wondered if it might be best to withdraw again from love, since I am so bad at it.
And as I was walking around the corner, I felt a golden ball come toward me. I was massive, and it felt good. It felt inevitable, not only because of what I was doing, where I wanted to walk, but because that massive ball had it out for me.
I realized that this was love. This was the love denied me, and it is the love promised me. More, it is my life, my connection with humanity, sexually, intellectually, emotionally, romantically, in my daily life, in the stuff that set a home and a spine straight, and a life on course. That kind of love.
I understood that the kind of set up I consider love, daily, integrated, simple, steady, juicy presence, it’s coming. IT cannot be stopped. I felt such happiness. But I have had my heart broken before, and I’ve had a second wind of hope before. This was not that. This was better.
Because that ball of golden light represented not only a decent man who wants to be in my life showing me love, and being happy I like to show love back, no it’s not only that! It’s so much more! It’s friends, colleagues, lovers, audiences, clients, business associates, patients, families, so many people and experiences I felt in that light. It felt like something I could just walk into and I would blink out of being on the night shift at a nursing home.
Yesterday morning the thoughts got better, clearer, and more usable. It’s where we go to close.
I understood on waking yesterday that each of my relationships were perfect as they are. Granted, yesterday morning I woke up to being involved with absolutely no one. All at once, everyone left, and here I am, scratching my head, trying to figure out where my path goes next.
And maybe that’s why I had this wonderful thought! IT made yesterday at work a charm, and my path clearer. I know how this next little bit goes now, and I am thrilled at the new prospects!
The idea is that each and every time I come together with someone, we are creating our own thing, and it’s ours from the first hello. And whether it is a success or a failure, these are limiting terms that no longer apply. And what of the ideal? The template?
That’s the thing. Yesterday morning I realized, there is no such thing. I got it, loud and clear, that all love offered, all love received, all of it is perfect, just as it is. Any comparisons I make, one to another, is a form a violence, a form of taking away, a form of blindness. Comparing a person to an ideal, or to another, this is something that is insidious, and destructive, and a societal norm, and it has to stop, because it causes me harm, and I think it is quite harmful to the other, too.
I’ve known true heart connection, and I have been loved exquisitely. I am, I think, what some would call spoiled. But that leads to the esoterics, and this essay’s conclusion.
I understand now that I am not like everyone else for very good reason. Further, I understand that I have effectively hobbled myself in some areas. As I remove the hobbles and massage my ankles, I’m realizing that there are a lot of unhobbled folks running around, and they are doing some pretty fun things.
This last Kryon helped me, and brought me home, put things right, and confirmed for me that all of the bullshit I’ve been experiencing has a purpose other than going through bullshit smiling.
We are now in the process, this light and dark process, the reveal. I can remember so vividly now, The Teachers talking about the time when there are no secrets, when all will be revealed, the scales fall from our eyes and we realized just how dark we let it get around here.
And that’s what’s happening.
But, to hear that this is the last year, that 2016 marks the end of this recalibration I have been in, oh, to hear that, it was magnificent. This has been a process, with a point, a purpose, an end point, a stepping off point.
I understand that I have until 2018 to complete my last life, but, it is nice to know that this craziness is, for some of us, leveling off, and I for one know this is true, I can see it in my daily life, I see it in my relationships, and at work. And so, with 3 days until the 12-12, I am realizing that all relationships are a gift, they are to be held sacred, and their energy seen as discrete, a product of our combined joys and fears. Nothing so dear should ever be compared. With anything. Ever. And I regret having done this. IT was wrong.
I know I am on my way, and I give myself permission to be happy. To have a functional, satisfying work life, a brilliant and satisfying romantic life, a stable and nurturing home life, a full and vibrant inner life. I have so many interests, and friends, and things to explore and do and create.
That golden ball, I am perhaps more in it than watching now. I told my friend about it, explained how inevitable goodness and love is, and this is the kicker, this is what made me laugh out loud, there in the dark and cold that night, talking to my vision, letting my vision talk to me.
I understood that the relationships are just going to keep coming. Prepare, it said, smiling at me. You can’t avoid this shit. It’s on you. This love, success, connection you want, need, gotta have? Done and in ways that will blow your mind with joy. And it never ends. It will go on and on. It does not end. Ever.
Without this tethering to a template, without this rabid need to compare everything to something that dos not even exist, and never has, for me, this lifetime, oh, this is gonna get good.