DEEPLY AWAKE By Kathy Vik
“Timelessness In Application” 7-5-15
I have had confirmation of what was told me on that bar stool in Carlsbad, California now nearly three months ago. In that dark, cool TGIFridays, I saw, so brilliantly, so clearly, my place in things, my role, why I did all that I did, and chose to do this, its importance, its relevance and historical importance, and its fucking cleverness.
Hot damn. We are knee deep in ascension energies, and not only am I acute aware of the energetic shifts, I’m obsessed with making it meaningful in my life., and then writing about it, discharging the energy that’s built with this shift or that change, trying my best to frame and reframe, to assign meaning and significance in a balanced and loving way.
All of the metaphysics that I have learned, without application, it’s just useless wanking. If it bears fruit, well, as mad as I used to get about this point, I think it is a state of being, a requirement, in linear reality, to just come to terms with the truth that the proof is in the pudding.
The Reverend talked about just this in his talk today. The idea of the seed in the cup, and the plant it becomes; that each state is contained the other, and that its lesson applies to our development over the course of a lifetime.
So, for me, the bar stool moment was an internal confirmation, when, in one of those real glorious moments when the light shines all the way through, and you can see whole and perfect and true, and not one bit of it is anything but in your favor, because it’s all you. It was like that.
And now, I think it is about seeing that completeness manifest, or maybe just jutting out a new branch, or gaining strength in a bough that had been a green sapling just last month. Something new is here in my life, I can feel it. A vitality of some sort, a deepening and strengthening and lightening. A quickening, maybe.
I think it’s occurred gradually, and lately, looking on things, I see that some of it was always going on, that I really only had one purpose, though many ways of expressing it. Just, to understand. To find a way to love. To feel love. To give it and to receive it and to believe it. I know about giving it. I am free when I do so, I feel whole when I am allowed to, and I enjoy the mirth and lightness and steel purposefulness of such a state.
I just think about how I felt just a few weeks ago, under the gun. I hold everyone harmless, because I was miserable, and that just tainted everything. And that was no one’s fault. It’s just how it was at the time. It was a bad fit, and the bad fit created the misery, and the fear, which was constant, like a pressure, always on me, this fear. I didn’t like it one bit. But, I found no way to escape it for long. It always reasserted itself, and things, in that state, are just always futile and doomed. It’s set up for negativity.
It wasn’t just me, in other words, but, I contributed, like anyone in a messed up situation does. What’s done is done, and I just figured, in the end, it was such an absolutely wonderful feeling of extra strength relief when I walked away, I knew things I was on the right track, and I wanted more of that gentle calm that pervaded me after finally voicing a decision in a stressful situation. I am grateful for the work and the care and help, the salary and the kindnesses.
But, how I feel now, compared to then, it’s such a shift, so solid and warm and sure and calm and rational. Perhaps due in part to my new role, and knowing that now I get to set the tone. Mindfulness prevails. Kindness prevails. Thoughtfulness prevails. As does persistence, and the willingness to gracefully change.
Accepting that I have changed has, quite puzzingly, always been a little tricky for me. Certainly there have been times when, due to circumstance, one moment, I am one thing, and the next, I am quite another. Often it is from being involved with others or having things happen to a person, cooperatively or not. But then, there is another kind of change that can happen. The inside kind. The kind that then sets a pace that requires some adjustment.
I like that there are people out there now, chief among my pantheon, Lee Carroll/Kryon, and Dolores Cannon, who both explain that there is such a thing as energetic upgrading, and soul amplification. Soul sharing, and just looking at the soul, and the inner life a little differently, is being done very interestingly by Kryon, where he describes, technically and expertly, this notion of soul sharing. Another soul, maybe another energy, entwining with the incarnated soul, becoming one in the body, and carrying out tasks more ably. Soul sharing. Becoming bigger.
Who knows about the details. I think it is nice to explore the reasons, perhaps, that one day one is one way, on the inside, and the next day, the next moment, actually, they are something else, something more.
I don’t feel that what I am feeling and doing is more than simple DNA activation. I think that’s enough to consider. I am not averse to the notions of soul life, in fact, it’s comforting to me. Further, I have had experiences which have been cooperatively inner and outer phenomenon, beautiful dances of symmetry, events bleeding into massive energetic shifts, downloads, changes, whatever you want to call it. These are internal things. But still, I don’t consider even the bright white light I saw in Central City to be anything more than my most intimate of family. I am one, with the things I see and witness and understand. I know them to be home. There is no separation when home. I am that I am , in those moments, and I believe I am altered after, but, how would I now? How could I know, with sorrows and woes and troubles, such as I had.
So, when things become clearer and easier, the question, the trick, it is this. How do I maintain this? Right? I mean, with every peak moment comes the assault of the mundane and ridiculous, the others, the ego, all the of yammer yammer and sights and sounds and thoughts. It all comes flooding back, repopulating the screen, and once again, I get up, I get involved, however reluctantly int the past, and I tend to my tasks at hand.
Bringing that supreme peace and that orgasmic bliss into my walk has been the central koan the last three years. It seems to be an octave of physically feeling the sweet fragrance of accord and well being and high regard, one for the other.
Today in church, thinking on Independence Day, I decided that I would declare independence from comparisons. Any and all. Had the thought in stereo blasting me awake this morning, the absurdity of comparison and the harm it provides. Nope. I’m me. I’m not comparing myself anymore. No better thans. No less thans. And to hell with putting myself down anymore.
I heard an old Kryon a few days ago, and he addressed the audience telling them how a shaman lives. I very much like that recording, and cannot remember which one it’s in. A shaman walks everywhere knowing there will be help. They are always on time, there is always help, everything around her is expressing love and support, such as it is able, and willing. The shaman understands and is at peace with free will, and understands they are never without help.
I’m such a little shaman.
And so, I want to tell you why I brought up that bar stool, and the nice way I could see around the bend in those moments. I talk about it because I have had a couple of friends tell me in recent days that they are enjoying watching what is happening with me. I wriggled a little bit, just bursting with happiness, and a funny kind of pride. Again and again today I have been reminded of what The Teachers advised me of so long ago. I asked them, why? Why do I crave whiskey, why am I such a mess, why is all this crazy stuff happening (I was in complicated relationships),, why am I so fat? Why is my family crazy? Why did I have to suffer so much, take all I did? Why all the shit? Why?
They said, it’s so that others can look at you and say, well, if she can do it, so can I.
That’s it. It was understood, between them and me, that I was a writer, hardwired to finish my life well known and well respected and well remunerated.
That little prophecy, never anything other than a beacon of conduct for me, for better or worse, this lifetime, since, to me it was an open invitation to keep exploring, and it was ok if it got messy, and very very often it has.
But it also contained the truth behind the general studies I have engaged in since, in this grand university of creation. It implies that it gets better. Things clear up. Things would resolve. Feel good. Be ok. Be better than ok.
So, I understood this was the mission. To, when the time came, start writing, start creating in some capacity, explaining what had been taught me and what I now understand.
As an aside, I’d like to explain that They had their own mythology, but it is a mythology that others also have heard. There is a lengthy video done by Spirit Science which explains everything The Teachers did about “the fall,” and why it’s been a hard road up. How we lost consciousness this time around. I see it as mythology now, a cultural explanation which has been filtered, to some degree, through a culture here on Earth long ago, but it is based in the Seven Sisters, the same ideas as expressed by many of the star nations, the Greeks, the Maya, the Hopi, other ancients. Same flavor, different ingredients.
It was like old home week, watching that video. I’d never felt more elated, knowing someone else had heard the weird stories I had, that I, quite naturally, believed could be possible. It felt correct, at the time. Only as my own understanding has increased do I understand it was metaphor, though someone all of it could have taken place. Either way, it feels good to me, more correct than some other stories I have heard. To each their own.
So, to write about this great shift, this ascension, this change in countenance, as it was happening, not understanding much, but willing to go along with it, it’s this, and the turn of events, which are good and right on time, which people are following along with now. To see what happens. I certainly have been wanting to know.
How to gather all these threads I have been throwing out. How to bring it home, nice and neat. Tricky, this one.
That thought, the seed and plant thought, the one that would madden and frustrate me, the idea that what is occurring is nothing but simple, expected, anticipated growth. Nothing too wild about it. Growth. It’s not like it ends when you’re thirty. Or forty. Or fifty. It doesn’t end.
The maddening part of the seed and the plant in the cup is that you have to wait. The seed is the plant, and the plant is the seed, but they appear and act different, at different stages. You just have to wait and watch. And, I hate that. Used to drive me crazy. Comes from being able to have glimpses, of course, but also it is a hardwired feature in my DNA, I am thinking, this grand impatience of mine.
I realized a couple days ago that, looking back, I can idealize any of the best moments of my life, and I have had some stunningly beautiful things happen, but, you know, at the time, sometimes some of it was awkward, and most of the good stuff was scary as hell too, and seemed kind of risky and somewhat out of character, because it was new, a new thing, a new good thing. It rode around in the same sort of chaos I feel now, sometimes, just day to day. I was like this then, I just forget that part.
By “like this” I mean, I was always this me, just different shades and variants of it, at different cadences and pitches, depending on so much, much of it developmental, cultural, social. But, inside, there was this me. This one who knew. Who could wait. Who understood. Who led me places and whispered stuff to me and gave me dreams and hunches. That one. This one. Me.
That’s the point of this essay, really, and I was really beginning to think I did not have one, was going to bag this beauty and go take a nap. But I am pushing through. I want to tell you about this. It’s what drove me to the keyboard in the first place.
The idea is that I am now a few days into the job, thankfully, and am feeling my way around. I feel a thick synchronicity there, and feel ease. I feel good, energetically, when I am there. Very good. I like going there, because I feel better once I have been there, because I can be with the patients, and my whole job is to make the lives of the patients and staff better, in ways big and small, by using my industry and my passion and my knowledge and wisdom and words. And such a role, it is natural and easy and it feels so good, just so good.
I am realizing the level of commitment this will require, has already, and how willingly I am giving of it. But, I am very much aware that physical life requires attention. Not in an urgent way, but things are getting busier. I am much more social. I am seeing this is a good movement, but it will require planning, and thought. Forethought.
I am not good at forethought, not my strong suit anymore, and this is what I needed to discuss.
A friend of mine told me last night that she learned of a culture where they do not organize time like we do. Things that occurred previously are put in a big thing called “the past”, and the “past” is like dream time. It doesn’t really exist, one of it. And then there is anything that one could project into another day, or week, or generation. That goes into another dream time called “the future,” which is as non existent as the “past.”
I long ago adopted a now moment perspective, and it’s been a bit of a contrast to how my peers have lived. I live knowing I am provided for day to day. I don’t worry about my survival anymore. I know I will always have enough. That’s been proven to me. So, it is about choosing what endeavor would be most beneficial, that I feel is the most appropriate thing to do. I know I am provided for. I listen, and I do as I am told, internally. I don’t know why I do some of the things I do, just that I know I have to, or should, so I do.
It has taken me well over two decades to hone this skill, I want to say. Second guessing my hunches and internal help was how I did things until recently. Arguing with the physics which does not, will not, cannot argue with itself. Sounds ridiculous, but I was great at it. Still am.
So to see that to pull of this endeavor of mine will require planning, forethought, mindfulness, priority setting, and much more participation and caring than I have given in a while, and I look at how I am feeling these days, comparatively, and I know I can do it.
But how does it work, when life gets busy again? I’ll use tools, I suppose, and I will stop saying I am crappy at time management. I will remove some of the restrictions I have placed on my self due to past difficulties with tasks. And, it is true, it is so very very true, anymore, there is just a lot of help about.
I’m new, in a lot of ways, and I need to just get over the fact that some things that used to not work will, now, and some things that seemed reasonable and necessary, chief among them, anxiety, self recrimination, guilt and hopelessness, no longer need to be considered reasonable in any way, and are therefore anything but necessary.
In other words, how does someone who now understands her shamanic ways conduct business successfully?
Isn’t that timelessness in application? Can’t I just do it as I have been? Trusting myself and my world, feeling it all as it presents, and finding balance and peace again and again, for longer and longer periods of time? Cant I just do that? Sure, I’ll incorporate a calendar, because it matters so much to show up, but, it’s all do-able, and it’s all right on time, delivered lovingly and, anymore, quite gently. It’s me who freaks, from time to time. It’s me who still gets scared. This bigger thing that nudges me and protects me always, it lets me vent, and then I go on, as diligent and certain as before, that what matters is now and in this now.
For all my bitching, the truth is I think being alive is a real kick in the pants, in a good way, and I confess that though it is maddening to me at times, I like feeling the linearity, the flow, the evolving. I don’t mind it. I’ll let the plant grow, and maybe I’ll watch it grow into a tree that will come to shade me, my seed turned companion and teacher, my seed, my little maddening thought.
I gave up knowing what my life was going to look like, who’d be in it and what would be going on, long ago. I was too often surprised for the better. No reason to project all that much. I know where I am going. I know the road. I know I just have to do it. I have vague ideas, and closely held desires. I have scenes that play in my mind that I know are just memories of things yet to come. I’ve never feared my future.
The worst I have done is figure this lifetime is a working one, and as such, the joy of gifts and blessings is not all that necessary. It’s a work life. So, sometimes my projections are that of disappointment, or fatigue, and deep resignation, but, then this passes, the world weariness, as I remember the good that has come and is to come. I look up again.
So, I don’t fear death, and I don’t fear the future, I don’t think either are The Enemy, code name: The Unknown. I like The Unknown best of all, you see. I am always so deep down sure it is going to be good, anymore, and in my lighter moments, before. And what I am doing now is getting me there. I shrug. Just how I’m built. I let it happen.
And now this new view into the past, remembering more fully that many of the miracles and things that changed me, cracked me wide open, moved me along, they happened when I was sometimes scared, sometimes uncertain, always a little nervous, sometimes a lot. It wasn’t all roses. It was much like this, this moment here, in many ways. I felt imperfect and unsure, to whatever degree, and the best things that happened were complete surprises. Out of the blue things and people.
Can I be a shaman and be a normal person? It’s sort of like asking a carton of milk if it can also be a dairy product, actually.
So, that’s my update, a slice of reality from someone who cares, somebody who knows things are going to get better, because they already have, in this moment. This one. Right here.