DEEPLY AWAKE: ENTANGLED “The Only Law”
By Kathy Vik 8-2-14
It has been such an odd time for me as a human being that I had not been able to make sense of any of it. So, I went dark, dear friend, waded through, knowing we would talk again soon, wanting to, each day, but having no words to say, not yet, not yet.
I find, too, I am not the only one who is going through really massive things. My sister, my friend Diane. The other weird thing is that many of my loved ones are out of town now, and I always feel different when they aren’t here, just physically. I don’t like it. It feels better when everyone is where they usually are. But, there are road trips to birth states, plane trips to trysts, happy reunions with dear family members, lots of loved ones moving around a lot. Sort of weird. And unsettling, I guess is the best word for how I take it, when even one of my loved ones is physically off the grid, or away, in a different position. And now there’s three? four? Yikes.
Anyway, I have had to understand some core things, and one of them, a big one, is the ongoing one, how to put all of this together in a non psychotic, successful way. How to integrate what I am receiving and perceiving, how to be a functional human being.
I woke up this morning unworried, but, when I moved around, getting ready to get up, I bumped into it. Right under my chin, a little packet of fear, nice and shiny and red and scary, sharp and ready to infect things. So, I unpacked it, and found that there were some things I had forgotten to consider, ideas, ways to make things better, tossing away the fear thoughts like packing peanuts. And quite a few comforting thughts I found too, feeling particularly weighty in my hands this morning. So, that was nice.
But this stems from a shift that occurred last night for me, actually.
I had been feeling a little bit retarded for understanding the geometrics, being able to run light, channel, see things, hear things, and actually doing some really cool stuff here lately, and yet, hand in hand with this has been an ongoing battle, of sorts, a clearing out, I think of it now, of parts of me which have done nothing but make things really really hard, over the years. I felt it, as the day got rolling, a review of how I have resolved, how I want to act, and how I want to live, who I want to be, when faced with uncertainty, with fear, with doubt.
A continuation, perhaps, of the storm I was weathering when last we talked. A refining of the issues, perhaps.
And so, this morning, reflecting on how safe I felt, how little anxiety I was feeling, after what feels like years of it, time having collapsed somewhere along the line, I feel different, and I understand things that I once did not, and so finally, after so long jammed up and unable to speak for terror and shame, I thought today might be a good day to tell you what is bringing me peace.
By doing this, of course you know by now, I am doing a bit of a selfish thing. I have always worried that these insights can get so easily twisted into a shape that hardens, and then bends everything just the wrong way, from there on out. Best to set it down clear, when it is clear, when I know my thinking is level and true and its most loving, and then, from there, I can refer to my notes, remind myself of this better state, one I got to by sitting quietly on my bed, thinking, letting things come, my cats in curled rhythmic, breathing fur, my headphones on and no music playing, no need, no need, when I am sitting here with you, like this, I hear other music, and even listening to Bach, ah, there is no comparison, what sings in my chest is better, feels more full, and everything else is distraction.
You see, I had to get to a place where free will made sense to me. I had only gotten so far with it, considering it solved, moving on and trying to function, when there had only been a question, no reply having yet been uttered.
I find it amusing now, that I believed as I once did, so religiously and bone-deep, (though this state is impossible when I’m being choked by its manifestations) that I am, and will always be, alone. I don’t mean having to go to the movies alone. I mean alone, alone.
My friend CVL and I used to talk about that, still in our teens, that and the chasm that lies between people, the truth of it, that there is separation, we are individual and isolated creatures who can never truly connect with anybody. Yeah. That was me.
I understood this on a profound, I guess you could say cellular level. Believed in it, al the way. Like many of my friends, we knew it early, knew it very early, this chant, “I’m on my own.” The thinking, as a youngster was, “no one else is in this skin with me, nobody seems to be much of an advocate, and there are certainly more than enough creeps and people not paying attention.” As the years rolled and the thinking hardened, it become “the only person who was there at my birth was me, and the only one who’ll be there when I die is me.”
So. Having that as my first,only tenet, really, you can imagine how hard it was for anybody to get too far in.
Through the years, leading up to just recently, free will was my conundrum. Basically, ok, if I am all alone, who are all these other people. Do they have significance too? Do they feel pain like I do? But I didn’t feel much of a connection, nearing the end of this road. I felt cut off, emotionally both shocked and uncaring, much of the time.
Is this the sign of a sociopath? Or someone who is just a little existentialist philosopher in a lady’s body, too close to the nietzsche-ness of her last life to adopt a different philosophy? Who knows?
I think it’s a pretty bent philosophy.
I think it is the end expression of the game of separation we all play here. Because it is patently false.
In this thinking, then, free will appears to be the spiritual equivalent of Darwinism, every man for himself, the strong are lifted up and the weak perish, that sort of thing. It’s mean spirited and its doctrine is one which generates self preservation, self interest and self protection.
And yet, there is a bridge, from which, after the journey, there is a different understanding, a different feeling state. It happened to me through the day yesterday, crystallizing outside a coffee shop in downtown Denver, then going in, writing, writing, writing, getting it all down, making sure it’s committed to more than just my wispy memory.
What has been happening to me is a release, I think, of attachments to old thought patterns, old expectations, and old assumptions. Old philosophies, maybe. With free will, I had come to the stage of, “everyone is on their own, let every one do as they see fit,” but I said it with arms crossed, legs crossed, frown on, crown digging into scalp, just one little pulse of blood leaking from the thorns.
Yeah, free will. The shadow sits, scowls, pouts and says, “Fine, everyone is on their own. So they can all go fuck themselves.”
How do I move off this peg, get off the fence, start feeling better?
It started, actually, the night before, with a meditation that I was sort of ordered to do, I laugh. Kryon was standing right beside me, at my bed, chastising me, reminding me that I can do a lot more good with energetics than I can with worrying myself to death. Sit down.
And it was sweet, I’ll tell you what. This I was so fast, so strong, and within seconds I was in the Great Central Sun, it as blazing, and I was lost in love, bliss, there at the side of my bed, finally feeling it again, finally home again. The weeping felt so good, like the release it always is, and I knew then I had forgotten some things, and it was time to remember.
And then, I was given the memory again, strong this time, usually so faint, just like it was on Christmas Eve, 2012, like I was back in the truck, Sam’s hair lifted from his scalp, just a tuft, in the hot air, my cold cheek resting on his head rest, behind him, arms over his chest, Jerry driving me home, to spend Christmas Eve night alone. The gold came, my vision changed, I saw it all, consumed, literally alight with golden light. My head turned though my body rested, and I saw Jerry, golden, Sam, golden, and lines like highways, so many lines, so much light, just like the highway we were on, connecting all of it, so much light, so many lines and filaments.
And I was consumed with the knowledge that this is a land of benevolence. It was irrefutable. It was truth. We are light, we are all expressions of this golden love, this liquid benevolence, this consciousness that was creativity and jsust beyond a ll description. I wish there were words for what I saw, what I knew.. I understood that even in conflict, we are here, together, all of us, even when in conflict, especially, sometimes, in conflict, we do this,all of it, with each other because we are all so in love with each other. It’s a sappy way of putting it maybe, but that was the understanding. Just absolute, unceasing, indestructible, profound love with one another, each of the other, every single person, every single one, every one on this planet, we are in love with each other. And me, at the end of it, feeling Jesus around, forcefully telling me, “The only Law in effect is that of Benevolence.”
This phrase comes to me at the oddest times, has ever since it first happened to me. The only law in effect is that of benevolence.
And that night, after I saw and was in the Sun, I sat at the edge of the bed finally being able to feel that again, that light on Christmas night, finally remembering what I have always wanted to believe and never could, never could see the reasons why, could only see the hard edges and all the separate containers of suffering and refusals and defense we all seemed to be. I felt it, and the containers were so obviously part of the experiment, so clearly a part of the lessons here.
After that meditation, I’ve found it enjoyable to remember the light, the golden, liquified stuff, that benevolence, and it’s not inaccessible now. It used to be. It would escape me, I’d forget it. But now, I feel drawn to remembering it, does that make sense? So, I went to bed peaceful. I woke up better, but still sore, still aching a little, and on edge. But through the day, yesterday, things started to shake loose.
I began to see very clearly that if the law of benevolence is applied to me, then my loved ones will look at my decisions and choices, my desires and my interests, and they’re going to let me do them, be them, experience them, allow me my expression, whatever that may be, especially if it is one I hold dear. And even if it’s harmful, my friends know I was a viper, did not listen, was unwilling to bend my position, once I was committed. Not rigid, necessarily, just steel willed. Certain. Not about a lot, just a few things, unswayable.
And so, I tried, at the cafe table, I really did, applying this to others. Hmm. I tried, in that protectionistic, angry place, to do it, and all I felt was abandoned, alone, apart, scared. But in this place where there seemed to be more light pumping, I saw it different, I guess.
I experienced, sitting there last night, how wonderful it feels to be not only accepted, but honored, given praise and respect for the decisions and choices I have made, and how it felt to really know acceptance of my shadow, the one who lurks around with a box of matches and a gas can, a fire bug, a little girl who is up way past her bedtime, it turns out.
I felt it, let it wash over me, fill me up, and understood that I have known this, know it now, recognize what it is, and celebrate it. It’s as much an energy as it is an emanation, it’s as universal as it is intimate.
I understood, sitting there, that it feels so good to be seen and cared for like this, and then, it was time to put other people, those in my daily life, in this same sort of light, wondering if I have been applying the same amazing metric to them.
I asked myself if I have this capacity, to find something good in what I am seeing in others. Can I drop the defense and fear, and imagine that those around me are as capable, strong, smart, and loving as me? That they are just as purposeful, and have the same right to determining their choices and preferences as I do.
I put many people in this thinking, individuals, groups, states, countries.
In this light, the answer is yes. Even now, almost a day later, the answer is yes. I went outside to smoke, asking myself, ok then, can I do this when I don’t like or agree with what is being chosen, pursued, held as ideal?
I saw then how judgment and fear invade, that this is an entry point for it.
And then, it became clear. I saw, so obvious and beautiful it was, that everyone, each and every one, is acting out of love. Love of self. Love of other. I saw as I have before, that conflict and trouble and pain are gifts as much as a hug is.
It reminds me of the story in one of the Dolores Cannon books about a man who got beaten to a pulp by three or four toughs, in an alleyway, and after that, everything changed for him. In hypnosis, there was a reunion, the one who got all beat up, and his attackers. Turns out the one who got the beating had asked them to do it, all of them from the same tribe, family, group, all willing to stir, be stirred, gifts, all of it, gifts.
It’s really hard to maintain that focus when your gift is having the shit kicked out of you, but, you see, it’s afterward, when there is some rest, it becomes so much more clear that even the ass kicking was relative, maybe even an illusion, you begin to think, and then, you look down and find there’s not a scratch on you.
It’s odd, and I find that my friends have had similar shifts in their awareness, the last few days. A collective shift, maybe. I don’t know.
All I do know is that I realized my troubles were stemming from judgments I held that I had not wanted to admit, or that had become like a lens with which I viewed everything.
I watched the smoke billow, out in the summer night outside the little coffee house, looked over at my car and smiled, looked up for the moon, but couldn’t see it. If I want a pass, if I want to be encouraged, really seen and encouraged by others, and if I want them to support my decisions, no matter what they are, and only give me advice when I ask for it, at whatever level, then, by God, I want to start doing that too.
The containers that I thought we all walk around it cracked, hairline fractures that spider webbed, and the glass tinkled around me as I gathered my stuff and bussed my table. I want to start being approving, as a rule. I want to be encouraging, as a rule. I want to stop disagreeing, quite so much, disapproving, quite so much. Who am I to do that, understanding this, seeing this now. I want to stop being critical and harsh. I asked that the harsh thinking, the mean spirited stuff I sometimes find coming up like tar bubbles in a lily pond, that they be softened, removed, gone, and let me be alert, more aware, of the presence of this tarry, dark thinking. It is heavy and it hurts, like a swelling purple bruise. I like that there is more contrast now, maybe more intact skin than bruised skin, maybe so. That sort of thinking feels slow, heavy, dark, and it is a thought away, just one door over.
I remember when I took care of a baby for two nights, who had the hardest death I have ever witnessed. Like a prolonged birth, I midwifed him, he I. I pleaded with him, exhausted, on the second night, to just let go and have some peace. Sort of cried out, screamed at him, in my mind, upset he was fighting so hard, hurting himself so much. And the voices I now know as my group, my collective, “them,” blasted only one sentence, one which changed everything for me, though I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time. “Who are you to tell another how to die?” They asked. They stayed with me and helped me for the rest of it, but that is how they introduced themselves.
It was easy to apply this to human suffering of the physical kind. I became more forgiving of patients, of disease, of the pains in the ass that some clinical situations are. But I did not apply it to myself, to others, to my loved ones. Couldn’t. Didn’t know how.
How could I, convinced as I have been of my isolation?
There has been a process, for me, in the last couple years, of coming to a place where I can trust, life, my survival, other people. I suppose some psychiatrist could get ahold of these writings and prove with them that mental illness can indeed be overcome, but to me, mental illness is not simple neurosis. Since childhood, I understood true mental illness is what makes someone be intentionally harmful. Those who harm others intentionally are mentally ill. Everybody else is just working some stuff out. Those who are intentionally harmful are few, but they are crazy. So, using that metric, I haven’t overcome mental illness. I’ve just worked some things out, or am trying to. Have at it, Freud. You will find so many nooks and crannies of impossibility and paradox in all of this, I’m looking forward to the critique.
I think the beauty of this realization is that it was not accompanied by shame. Lots of surprise, true, as I surveyed my general lack of compassion toward those I hold dear, but no shame, no self loathing, no despair. Just resolve. Having been shown this, having had it demonstrated, I shrug, put out my smoke, realize, it makes it possible, now, to do it for others.
I have known this sort of benevolence before, or I couldn’t have stayed here, really, but it has never felt so alive and so innervated, innervating. I have known it from many sources, looking back, and I think this is part of what I like the most. As my reality sweetens, as I ease up on the scary stories and fearful explanations and assumptions, I find that I see more if it my past than I had originally claimed. This process is what I think Seth and Lazaris, Bashar and even Kryon talk about, a simple truth really, that the present creates it all, because most of this is a matter of perspective, vibration, frequency maybe, thoughts, I guess, their obvious symbols here on Earth.
Will any of this make me rich?
Well, here’s the thing.
I’m reading this amazing channeled message by Magenta Pixie which blew my mind, since it’s the same voice I hear, but telling me new stuff, good stuff, stuff I remember and have been living here lately, all this Diamond Ray stuff, and I realized, yes, the same rules apply to me as to everyone. Money is a form of energy, a form of benevolence, really, and this work, laying on my bed, understanding this , remembering, embodying it, this is my work. This is why I am here. The other stuff of course must come, will come, but I layed there with my palms open, arms out, legs straight, understanding how supported I truly am, how beloved to God, to myself and to everyone I know, and of course, these problems get worked out. Solutions are everywhere. I felt this support, and I felt it go out, felt it come back to me, seeing things the whole time, blazing white geomtrics then as it has been, for me, for the last few days, full on, able to close my eyes and go, just go, and come back in a breath, clear.
And during this time, the plates moved, my earth wobbled, and weirdly, I was not the only one.
So, the eternal questions persists, how do I live this life, knowing this. I don’t feel the loneliness or the separation I used to. I feel I am among friends now, and that includes the nice lady who sold me my pop and croissant last night, the woman who asked me for help yesterday as things were seeming to crumble in my hands. The same feelings I have been having on and off for a couple years, blasts of something new, a connection, a family feel, that is like an opening up. So many essays about this, feeling my family awaken, knowing they are physical and I can be with them now. Strangers, dancers at kirtan and kindly cashiers, my blood family, and all the ones who have chosen to know me, and care for me, as I do them. All of us, each of us, here on purpose, not just to be beacons, not just to know light, but to generate it, to share it, to assume it.
I understand that this means that each and every one of us is free, must follow their paths, but this is the crux of it, the end of the separatist consciousness, the death of a lie.
I was not alone the day I was born. I was being birthed from a woman, who dearly loved a man, and I would become sister, aunt, niece, cousin, nurse, friend, wife, lover, betrayer, doubter, believer, saint and sinner. I would do these things not alone, but with those I came into contact with, those I hated and loved, competed against and became disinterested in. And I will not die alone. I will be comforted and I will be sung to, and my body will be washed and dressed, after it’s done. I have never been alone. And even when I chose it, I was with my family, waiting silently, waiting for this time in my life, this energy, this willingness realized and promise fulfilled. They sat on the bed with me, murmured to me, pulled strings and reminded me of things, as I walked around thoroughly convinced I was doomed to this loneliness, this horrible homesickness. In that isolation, I was convinced it extended to others, and I chose that reality, fervently pursued it, actually, and defended its right to exist over and over and over again.
I know now what I have always known and always seemed to forget: nothing works on me like compassion, gentleness, patience, tenderness, acceptance, permission, freedom. Nothing. Some folks don’t need it like I do, it seems, but it is the only thing that has ever been able to get in through the cracks of the defenses of my belief structures, my consciousness, cracks created from weight and strength and will to see this experiment out to its logical conclusion.
I am soothed, at this point only by Kryon’s reminder, “Dear ones, compassion is learned behavior. Look around you. The evidence for this is everywhere.”
This implies student and teacher and lesson. It implies capacity. It implies being willing to learn.
I have been the recipient of this more than the giver of it, sometimes, and this is something I am happy to forgive myself for now. I understand my sharpness comes from concluding that harm comes from anyone getting too close, but this razor wire I lived nestled in is fading, has lost its point.
That has been disheartening, I think, finding that these central truths, so clear in a cafe, must then be applied to all manner of situations, all sorts of configurations and degrees of difficulty, but I am grateful for the chance to engage in this level of healing, this great a relief.
I hope this day finds you willing. Just willing, really. I have become more and more convinced of being on a different time, a different track, and that these energies coming through are just so sweet, so supportive, that there is nothing to fear. Everything changes, and I am not alone in knowing this central truth today. But I have so little fear. It is odd indeed. I told my team last night… I’m really grateful for this anesthetic, a sort of spiritual balm I have felt has been applied, but please bring it to my attention if something is a critical mass. But lately, I haven’t been able to trust that quite so much. Things that seem dangerous aren’t, and there just doesn’t seem to be any really need for alarm, I think to myself, even as the warning bells burn through me. I know what it is I am supposed to fix, but not how to fix it. I feel fear about money, and hav eno clue what to do in the now. It burns at me, and I don’t know how to respond. Seems my internal warning system is a little screwy, and dropping back into the core is then, once again, needed, to get clear, know what is real, what is true, what is in alignment.
That’s the weird thing, about things lately, and with this I close.
I know it makes it all pretty Pollyanna when there is state sanctioned genocide going on and all kinds of slidy crap that we are all getting fed up with, but even that, I can see the sense in it, I guess because from this perspective, it all looks cooperative and on purpose, if only for us to see demonstrated what we can no longer stomach,tolerate, avoid or ignore. I think this about some of the things in my life. That maybe there is not danger, but it sure is ugly, and I don’t want it anymore. I want something else. And so, turning from the ugly and thinking on the things I know that are more lit up, the panic fades, the fear recedes, and clearer thinking comes over me again, faster now, maybe just more able to ride these waves now, who knows? But I do know that the light has come up, it’s true, it’s true, and from here, I see a land now and then more clear than not, where the only law in effect is that of benevolence.
I hope to not visit the dregs again. I hope if I do my time there is brief. I think this is a clearing, a movement forward, and these troubles are instructive. I don’t think we are going through the shake ups we all seem to be going through just because we earned it karmically or we deserve it because our heads are foggy. I think it’s part of the times, it’s here to help and not hurt, and there is no way any of us can get any of it wrong. It never was, isn’t now and never will be wrong. Purposeful, beautiful, healing, all.
This is the link for the amazing work of Magenta Pixie: